My Rants: What Did I Do Wrong?

Don’t expect me to answer this question as I am unaware myself…

This past week, my relationship with my mum was on the verge of shattering… I think.

Since I have been at home revising constantly, I haven’t had time to do stuff around the house. I mean, I did clean the house last Saturday so I could spend my half term revising, but for some reason that was not enough for my mum. One day I hadn’t washed the plates that day. My mum came home and went into full on rant mode and we got into a argument and shouted at each other.

The next day I made sure to wash all the dirty dishes my parents dumped in there that morning, as well as my plates, as well as the dining table and the kitchen and mum came home and went into full on rant mode AGAIN for not clearing up my brother’s toys. When I went to clear them up, I thought to myself ‘What toys?’ Because there were only a few of these alphabet pieces on the floor and that was it.

Another day I aimed to do intense revision because I thought I hadn’t done that much so I had a bagel in the morning and starved myself for the rest of the day. I was going to clear up the mess I made in the morning when I had my next scheduled break but my mum came home and she went BERSERK.

My mum would just start spouting all this rubbish about how I never do anything and how I’m so lazy and how I wasn’t revising- that I was just watching anime all day and I was so hurt and angry because she KNEW that wasn’t true. She would always say such hurtful things and make me cry and when I did cry she would just give me this horrible look and tell me to grow up, that I’m not really upset when she knows I’m sensitive. I’m on the verge of crying just thinking about it.

Now today I managed to avoid annoying her until my dad told me to wash the plates. I said I’d do it in a while. Oh how I wished I had just done it…

I came into the kitchen and saw more plates and I was like, half jokingly ‘There’s more plates?’. I was, and still am, not feeling very well so I asked if I could just wash my plates and go. My mum wouldn’t have it so I washed the plates anyway. I was only trying my luck after all. Then I when my mum was having a go at me while I was obediently washing the plates, I opened my mouth (Oh, why did I open my mouth???) and told her that she was really strict with me but so lenient with my sister. I said that not because I thought it was unfair she was washing the plates, but because I wanted to show her that it’s because she wasn’t tough, like she is with me, that she turned out the way she did. My mum just started shouting and stormed off. I could’ve tried to explain it to her but seriously, I know better now. My mum is deluded. There’s no point trying to explain anything to this so-called Disciple of Jesus.

I went upstairs and could here my mum complaining and moaning to my dad, twisting my words and saying things that never once came out of my mouth. She complained about how she bought me donuts yesterday and how I said they were disgusting and refused to eat them, when in actually fact I ate one before my dinner but didn’t eat again because I was full and by the time I came home today, they were finished and I did say they tasted weird, but nice even though they were the worst donuts I had ever eaten in my life and the manufacturer should have been sued. She told my dad how I refused to eat the dinner she made because I said it was disgusting. I actually said it was nice, but had too much oil. And when I say too much oil, I MEAN too much oil. It was practically just oil and I felt so sick afterwards yet I forced myself to finish it to not hurt her feelings. I felt so sick obviously more disgusting donuts were not an option for me. My dad called me down and had a go at me as well, but in my dad’s defense, my mum tell him a lot of bullshit depicting me as a heartless demon. My dad only wants me to be a good and respectable child. My mum’s just got problems.

I don’t want to blame myself, because I believe I have done nothing wrong. My mum treats me like shit sometimes and doesn’t appreciate how much I’ve helped her over the years and how much I’m willing to do. Not for money or to be allowed to go out. For love. Because I do care. But I can’t help but have this feeling of deja-vu and now I know why. This is exactly how Grace was acting because she ignored me for good. Always fed up with me, even though I was actually in a relatively good mood most of the time at that time. The only time I was sad was when she was really hurting my feelings. It’s making me wonder if it is all my fault. If I turn people like this. If I’m just this terrible person who makes life difficult for everyone. I thought maybe it’s cause of my eczema complications that’s causing her stress and the only way to release it is to yell at me and get dad to tell me off. If that’s the case, I get that it’s stressful, that’s not excuse. You should never take your anger out on other people. I know I’ve done this and I’m not proud of it, but it’s still wrong none the less and it’s really getting me down.

It’s really pushing me to the edge and I’m worried I’ll say something I’ll live to regret. All out of spite to hurt her. And I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to hurt people.

Honestly, what did I do wrong?

~EpicCupcake signing out.