I really don’t care!

Hello! I am feeling energetic today! So energetic that I want to write a post! (Y’know, since I neglected my blog for so long)

As you’ve probably guessed, I’m actually happy for once and it’s weird. It feels like I haven’t been my cheerful self for ages and it was what Grace told me that made me realise this. I’ll get to what she said later.

Anyways, today was the second day of my English controlled conditions for GCSEs and blah blah blah. And before I started, I started randomly saying/singing ‘I’m s-s-s-sorry. I’m s-s-s-s-sorry.’ In a deep voice and I noticed a girl laughing. I was only after looking up to her oddly that I realised she was laughing at me and I got really embarrassed. This wasn’t the first time I felt embarrassed in an English lesson (and during a controlled conditions for that matter) and at that time I couldn’t actually help it. i had this sort of coughing fit and the whole class started laughing. I don’t really feel like going into that story. So anyways, as she laughed and said something to her friend beside her, I began to think up excuses that could justify singing/speaking and then I said to myself (in my mind, of course)

I doesn’t actually matter.

So then I continued with my essay, trying my best to believe that so that I wouldn’t destroy my good mood. Eventually I forgot. It worked! For once…

I had P,E, after that. It was a single period so we just played football for the whole time. Our P.E. groups are actually our English groups this year, since P.E. comes after English. I love football by the way (playing it, that is. Not watching it) though I’m no good at scoring. I think I’m great at defending though; I’m always good at defending in sports. I found myself being tackled by the same girl (she does GCSE P.E. so you can imagine how scared I was (no  really, to be honest, but still…). I kind of messed up at one point and kept kicking the wrong leg because she kept kicking the ball in the other direction and I must’ve done this weird jumpy thing because after I’d successfully kicked the ball away from the goal (and her) she burst out laughing and went to her friend who was the keeper in my team. I walked off, with my eye on the ball thinking:

The ball is going towards your goal so… jokes on you, mate.


And I continued with the game. I didn’t even feel the least bit embarrassed- I didn’t care! This was weird because I always care. When someone tells me that so-and-so doesn’t like me, I obsess over it and end up doing or saying something stupid.

And that leads me to the main point of this point.

After school, I was talking to Grace and then suddenly, this girl, let’s call her Mandy, walks up to Grace and totally interrupts us. Yeah, this pissed me off because she always interrupts us everyday and it really gets on my nerves. After she’d finished speaking to Mandy, I told Grace how Mandy was so annoying always interrupting our conversations and Grace looking to the side awkwardly and said.

‘About Mandy…’

And then she told me what Mandy, who I, didn’t think was nice in particular, but at least respected people, said about me. She told me how she hates me because I’m moody all the time, which isn’t actually true because:

  1. This moody, upset business only lasted for a few weeks and for the end of last year and
  2. She doesn’t know anything about about me.

She also told Grace how she shouldn’t be my friend and all I could think was:

‘That backstabber!’ I also said that out loud.

I wasn’t too shocked though, she usually ignores my existence even though I say hi to her and try to be friendly and talkative towards her especially since my whole depressed episode. Strangely enough, the thought escaped my mind and I forgot about her for a good hour or so (after school club) but as I walked home, I thought about what I should do about it. I had told Grace that I was going to talk to her about it but of course she asked me not to; Mandy had asked her not to tell me, but I seriously want to tell her that it isn’t okay to say things about people behind their backs especially if they don’t know their situation (and in my case, I was just crazy but it’s not like I could help it). That’s the worse thing, you know- hearing that someone said something behind your back. Although it’s rude, I appreciate people who say what they think to a person’s face. Saying something behind someone’s back is not only cruel but shows that their a coward who can’t even be truthful. How can you trust someone who does it? Even Grace thinks that Mandy talks about her behind her back. I’m sure she has because she loves to gossip, even about Grace and her private life.

I’m going a little off topic. So, I decided that I could do two things:

  1. Confront her, without being rude of course, because I’m not aiming to hurt her.
  2. Leave it alone.

As I was about to just leave it alone, I decided to do something else. As a scientist, I decided to do an experiment. I would be as friendly as possible to Mandy, compliment her, try to have a nice conversation with her and try and join in with their conversations. Then I’ll ask Grace what she says about me.

I know this sounds like I care, but I actually don’t. I just want to try an experiment now that I have the chance. I guess this short story series I’m writing is influencing me (it has major science and psychology themes), but I might end up not doing it. I have exams and stuff so I can’t really be bothered. Maybe it’s the exams that are making everything seem so trivial. Yeah, that’s probably it.

I just feel so energetic and happy. Maybe it’s because earlier my baby bro fell on his side cause he laughed so much, I kept lying even after. Anyway (I keep saying that) I’m kind of hungry and I have homework to do so…

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Last Night

This morning, I put on Balamory on the wii for my brother and I caught this:

Pedophile maybe???

AAAAAAAnyway…

Last night I had a load of strange dreams but I can only remember three so I thought I might as well share them.

1. I’ll tell you in story for to make it sound interesting. This is set in Grace’s house and I’m talking to her brother:

He sat beside me with a wide grin planted on him face as usual, but this time it seemed that he had something to tell me. I gave him an odd look, but waited for him to speak. Finally he spoke. “Peanut, come closer, I have something to tell you.”

“What?” I said.  

“Just come closer.”

“Um… okay…” I edged closer towards him, my head slightly turned to encourage him to speak. “What is it?”

“A little bit closer.”

What is it that’s so important and so secretive that I have to be so close just to hear what it is, I wondered, but moved closer nevertheless.

“Closer.” He repeated, his voice was strangely 

“Seriously, what’s so importa-” But before I could finish my sentence, his lips were pressed onto mine, silencing me. My eyes widened and I was frozen. Why was he kissing me? Does he like me? What if Grace comes in? After a while, he drew his lips away, but I was still as still as a statue.

“Geez Louise…” I murmured.

Confused

And that was it. I was really shocked when I woke up because it felt really real, but I was more surprised at the fact that I dreamt it. I’m pretty sure I don’t have a crush on Grace’s brother, but I think I had that dream because two days ago, I went to Grace’s house and her brother was acting a little strange (like normal though. He and Grace both smile too much) and he  talked to me while Grace was downstairs.

2. I’m going to find it hard to describe this one because my point of view changes quite a lot, but the best way I can describe it is that I was in a kind of game land thing and it felt really familiar, almost nostalgic. It was like I had had that dream before. The aim was to stay alive in this dark sinister game world and avoid the dark lava on the ground underneath as the ground above it was disappearing. I was with a couple of other people who I just so happened to know. My point of view changed from myself to some other boy as he hid the lava floor and lost. He ended up in this place where he could either choose to join the game again or ‘quit’ and I had no idea what ‘quit’ meant because I had no idea how I got in the game in the first place. I decided to join the game again to find everyone huddled together on the safe side of the game land. We were scared and we wanted to stay there but eventually we decided to just lose the game and ‘quit’. It turned out that ‘quit’ meant to go back to the real world- reality. We were relieved. The end.

Game over lift

3. For some strange reason, my parents sold are house to live in this hotel-like place so my sister and I kind of lived the ‘suite’ life if you get what I mean. 🙂 We got to take lots of stuff for free, but for some reason, there were not locks between our rooms and other people’s rooms. It was really weird.

The Suite Life of Peanut and Jelly

So… yeah… Weird dreams…

Take a nap

Well, until later.

Click here to see a real chick magnet

EDIT: The link isn’t working properly, skip to 5:17

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Social Anxiety: Alone VS Lonely

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Despite the fact that the words ‘alone’ and ‘lonely’ both share the same four letters (lone) which pretty much give the words their meanings, they are two completely different things. The word alone means to be by yourself; to be in isolation. It literally means ‘all one’. Loneliness is actually a complex and unpleasant emotion that is brought about by isolation and this is what links the two. This is why shy people, socially anxious people, people with avoidant personality disorder and possibly borderline personality disorder are more prone to feel loneliness. a shy person may find it difficult to socialise, therefore resulting in a very limited number of relationships or no relationships at all. This can easily lead to isolation. People with AvPD and social anxiety hold themselves back in social situations due to anxiety however, they may long for more close relationships and again this leads to loneliness. For people with BPD the loneliness may be due to ‘unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.’ (DSM-IV-TR 2004 from http://bpdresourcecenter.org/DSM-IV.html)

However loneliness is not always felt when you are alone and you also do not need to actually be alone to feel this emotion. Here are three examples:

1. Being the weird little nut I am, I normally feel uncomfortable around loads of people. When I’m by myself and I see load of other people, I get this feeling of jealousy and I think  ‘Why am I by myself when everyone is with someone when I’m on my own? ‘ I start to question this and, hey, what do you know!, the negative thinking commences! Suddenly I’m lame, stupid, worthless, annoying and just plain unpleasant. Then comes the feeling loneliness to ice the cake and a little cherry depression and voila! LONELINESS.

2. I’m in the canteen eating lunch with the usual lunch gang and being the greedy little nut I am, I don’t talk and focus on eat (if not for reading/watch yaoi, writing and interneting, it would be my favourite past-time) So every one on the table is talk, and greedy Grace is nicking everyone’s chips while she’s leading the conversation and suddenly I feel like I’m invisible on the table and suddenly I’m shrouded by this cloak of loneliness and desperately wish for myself to finish my lunch quickly so Grace and I can go elsewhere. LONELINESS.

3. After a tiring day at school I come home and lock myself (I don’t really lock myself- I don’t have a lock- but you get what I mean) in my room and read some yaoi or whatever and although I’m all alone, the ghost of loneliness decides not to haunt me for the rest of the day. NOT LONELINESS.

So what you probably understood from that is that I’m a weird introverted person who feels lonely when I’m not alone, but lonely when I’m alone though sometimes that’s not the case. When I’m alone, I am sometimes visited by the ghost of loneliness and sometimes when out and about or in the canteen with the lunch gang (that’s what I’m gonna call them now), loneliness is the last thing on my mind.

Conclusion? I am weird. I am complicated, but aren’t we all? I can assure you, there is no one that I’ve met and known for even a short period of time and I can say that nothing about them (their personality) is weird. One day I saw this perfectly normal guy pass me on the street, but as soon as he was right beside me, he stretched out his hands and started singing! Yes, singing! He was weird. And so am I. And so are you.

This post isn’t about weirdness or complexity so I’m going to stop here before I get carried away. But just remember, if you feel lonely, you are not alone- I am lonely. We can be lonely together even if it’s for no apparent reason. What? Huh? I’m confused.

~EpicCupCake signing out.