Always Read the Label

It’s been FOREVER but I’ve actually been quite busy in my life. It seems that I’m getting involved in a lot of things at college etc. and it’s weird because I’m not that kind of person. I’m lazy.

Just a little update if you’re curious about what I’ve been up to before I get to the point of the post:

I’ve finally decided that I’m going to take that leap of faith and try my luck with medicine. I feel now that this is the way I would like to spend the rest of my life (or at least career) helping people. But as you know, medicine is extremely tough to get into. As well as having ace grades, you must do a million work placements and volunteering and come across as a friendly, outgoing breath of fresh air during your interview.

As you probably already know, I am not the least bit outgoing and am extremely shy. Even so, I will not let that stand in my way. I’ve realised that dreams don’t come true just like that. They need work and effort. Sweat and tears. I believe that I can get there if I really try.

So I’ve got a new primary school volunteering placement which is a lot more helpful because not only is it literally a 20 minute walk from my house, but I get to help the kids one-on-one (you know, which reading and maths and stuff) which is useful. I also got offered an after school job where I’d actually get PAID. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but I excited to finally get some money! I’m now one step closer to independence. 🙂

I’ve also volunteered to help my college’s chaplain (or however you spell it) and I’ve been randomly chosen for this program where I have to help other classmates and basically be like a tutor. I think… I only got the letter not long ago so I’m not really sure what it’s about but if it gives me leadership skills and makes me less shy then what else matters?

Of course I’m still a long way away from my goal. I’m planing to do at least five voluteering or work experience placements before I send in applications or go to interviews, but, you know, I’m getting there. I just need to stay positive!

Positive!

Now back to the topic at hand.

The other night I caught this movie/project/one episode drama… I don’t know what to call it actually. It’s called Cyberbully and it’s this relatively short movie based in only one room with only a handful of characters.

The main character Casey finds a mean tweet about her on this guy’s twitter (I’m gonna assume he was her ex-boyfriend) and her friend Alex helps her hack his account and write something about him. Only Alex isn’t the one messaging her. It’s a mysterious individual who wants to get back at Casey because of what she did. And what did she do? Well you’ll have to watch to find out. But I’ll tell you this:

What I learned from the movie is that cyberbullying comes in different forms and while something may not seem that bad because you’re only doing it as a joke and because everyone does it so it’s the norm, it may hurt someone. I guess it’s different being on the other side of the bullying. While the bully may be doing it as a joke, the person being bullied may see it as something else. And we don’t even know they’re situation. They could have experienced a death, may be suffering from a serious illness, could be in an abusive relationship… And when the bullying piles on on top of all the pain and suffering, life just gets to hard to live and then…

I don’t have to finish that sentence.

Anyway, I’m not saying this cause I think you’re a bully. I don’t truly know you so I can’t judge. I’m only stating what I’ve learnt from the movie, or rather, I stating how my perspective has changed… if that makes sense. I’ve realised that the little things can mean a lot. I’m also trying to say that it’s a good movie, a little scary and upsetting, but good nonetheless.

Still, I wish I had read the description. If I had seen the word ‘thriller’ I wouldn’t have watched it at night by myself *shivers*. It’s not that scary; I’m just a scaredy-cat.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Update: Things are looking good!

超可愛い!

 

They sure are! I started school on Monday and I’ve actually been trying my best to live up to the promises I made for the new year. Like I said, I’m sick of being upset, socially awkward and shy and I want to just be happy and live my life the way I want. For Christmas, I got three notebooks from my sister, A4, A5 and A6 and with my now large collection of beautiful colourful notebooks, I’ve decided to use the A6 one (which I named the ‘Ferris’ because I’m weird enough to name notebooks…) to track my progress and to keep a little diary-like thingy. It doesn’t feel like a diary, because I don’t really go into that much detail about my emotions and stuff, only when necessary.

At the end of every day, I sit on my bed and get out the Ferris and write an entry called ‘Evaluation of Day’. I’ve given all my problems a number. 1=social anxiety, 2=health, 3=studying and 4=emotions and regrets. I write the numbers down and record all the important stuff I did today and give them points. I can tell you now, according to the Ferris, I’m doing quite well in the social anxiety section and the health section, because I’m setting new challenges for myself and I’m doing regular exercise (rather than none at all) and eating my five-a-day (I even ate a bloody fruit pot today! I normally hate fruit that aren’t apples or oranges, but I have to admit, it was kind of nice). On the other hand, on the studying section, I’m not doing so well. 6 points so far, from new years to now. Not very good, but I’m very lazy.

There’s also been another downside. I’ve been exercising as if I was back in primary school (I was very active back then), but my body isn’t used to exercise so now I’m half walking, half limping around everywhere. So, until next week, I’m only doing sit ups and maybe star jumps, if it doesn’t kill me…

But even with the limping, I think I’m heading towards a success. I was really worried about going back to school. I was worrying about ‘School Fever’ but I’ve been doing fine. My mood has been very stable over these last couple of days. Although I still find it a bit hard to look at Grace, things are close to being back to normal. It’s not so awkward between us anymore and I can tolerate sitting next to her in English. In fact, we still talk and laugh and have the whole class yell shut up at us every lesson, though I don’t feel any closer to her. It feels like the distance between us has increased a little. Although sometimes I do long for the days we were friends, it doesn’t actually bother me that much. I can sit on my own in the computer room with her and the other cackling away at each other and not feel any discomfort. I’m slowly getting over her. I don’t talk to her that much, and I don’t try to, though now I feel she talks to me more than I talk to her, she even complemented my hair even though it wasn’t anything special, and it makes me wonder… but I’m not going to over think this.

As for friends, I still feel a bit like a lone wolf, but Cinnamon is a great friend who’s always by my side and I don’t want to take advantage of that. Cinnamon is a little weird though, I’ve noticed. She seems to like it when people die in books… At the moment, she’s re-reading ‘Bec’, part of Darren Shan’s Demonata Saga. She told me she loved reading it because all the characters die, even the main character (a little confusing considering it was the fourth book out of ten books…) But she’s a nice and interesting person and I’m grateful to have her as my friend. Also, I very much appreciate weird people!

So… yeah, just a little update… I’ll end on this final note: I’m still working on my Challenge- I’m mixing it up with my evaluation thing and so far I’ve got about 23 points! But I’ve only really done basic stuff so from now on I’m going to challenge myself a little bit more. I have a mental list of the stuff I want to tick off such as calling people by their name which I am just unable to do. I always feel to shy to use someone’s name. I only want to do some sort of eye contact challenge, but I’ll save that for when I feel more confident. When I write my evaluation, I make a little list. Today, I managed to listen to music on the bus, something that absolutely scares me. I don’t know why, I guess I’m just worried that somehow other people can hear my music and make fun of me. But I was listening to Green Day anyway and no one can say anything bad about Green Day… I’m more worried about the songs I have that are in another language. Today I started listening to this Indonesian rock group called J-rock. Really confusing. I was expecting them to be Japanese, so I was a little confused when I didn’t hear any Japanese.

Okay! That’s enough for today! Thank you for spending a little time reading this post! 🙂

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Just a life update…

… Nothing much.

So, how are you, lost traveller? Today, I’ve been feeling quite happy and what’s strange is that I’m still weirdly happy, because normally I feel like shit at the end of the day. And now that I think about it (which I really shouldn’t) I have a lot of things to be sad about.
I lost my pen, my folding 30cm and my P.E kit and I can’t get back to school till november. :/
If the school are stupid enough to throw it away then, yeah, that’s pretty serious, but hey, I’ve got a back up kit! All I need now are trainers…
The second thing, or person, is Backstabber. The other day I was pretty upset about the whole not-fitting-on-to-any-friendship-groups thing and I also felt unusual strong feelings of hate towards her so didn’t sit next to her in English. I’m not sure whether or not that was the reason she shot me death stares throughout the day but I can tell she was angry. I don’t feel guilty though; she totally embarrassed me in chemistry the other day and it really hurt. And not only that, but she also told something to my sister that I told her in confidence as if it were a light matter. That made me furious. If you ask me, she deserved whatever she’s feeling now.
Do you know what I found out today about her? My friend who’s been really supportive and nice to me, let’s call her Cinnamon because I feel that somehow suits her, told me that Backstabber came up to her and said that she won’t be her friend anymore because she’s my friend. We were really angered by this. She was practically threatening her. Cinn said  that she didn’t have the right to tell her who to be friends with and I said that regardless of whether they are friends with your so called ‘enemy’, if you’re a true friend, it wouldn’t matter. Oh well, ‘good riddance’ I say. No one needs people like that.
You know, I think that’s the reason why my friend, the other girl she hangs out with, alongside Mandy, has stopped talking to me. She doesn’t even look at me and the only way Backstabber knows her if through me and Mari (she was actually Mari’s best friend… It’s funny how things turn out, ne?) who Backstabber also disowned.
But you know the reason I’m not bothered? Why the physical manifestations (mostly shortage of breath and feelings of sickness in some cases)? It’s because I had one of those moments when you look on one of your problems and worries and think ‘was I really stressing over this…?’ I hate to say it, since I’ve been her friend for almost half a decade, but she’s kind of pathetic and I don’t mean that in an offensive way. It’s just that when I look at her sometimes, I think about a little puppy trying to get out of a box thrice it’s size and trying to do so without any help when it’s just right there, within reach.
I wasn’t just imagining it at open day, she is lonely, despite whatever airs she puts on when I’m around and she’s with Mandy laughing her head off. If I could count the number of times she glanced and stared at me and looked like she just tripped over and landed in dog poo and quickly ran out of lessons to avoid me, just today, you’d be surprised. In Spanish, I loudly called my teacher, not so Backstabber could hear me, but just so I could get my quick question answered before the controlled conditions started. I might as well have called out just to annoy,Backstabber because she was truly shooting me daggers then and I had to stop myself laughing- what I do when I feel uncomfortable, but it was kind of funny, the face she made at least.

Sometimes I wish that I could tell her that it’s her loss, but there wouldn’t be a point, she won’t learn and I doubt she will.

I feel that even though I will again feel pain about this and cry about not fitting in, I think the worst is over and that I have a nice,future to look forward to as long as I  learn the lessons that I’ve been taught in the experience.

The lessons? I’m in no position to give life lessons being the way I am, but I feel that these are very important.
The first is to never invest in one particular friendship; it doesn’t work… at all… The second is to look at your worries realistically. The third is to let things go, but remember that it takes time to heal. There’s also no point in trying to act as if you’re okay. It’s emotionally exhausting and only make it worse. It’s better to about your problems regularly and try not to hold back, but don’t overwhelm people with your problems. Overwhelming should be left for blogs and diaries. 😉

Well, I’ll just focus on my school work for now as well as my friendships. I’ll try not to worry about bs because she’s not worth the trouble. Sorry if I don’t blog for a while over these next few months; I’ll be doing my mocks soon, but down stay clear of my blog for a few months  because I will post for definite.

I’m tired now.
Goodnight.

~EpicCupcake
signing out.