My Rants: What Did I Do Wrong?

Don’t expect me to answer this question as I am unaware myself…

This past week, my relationship with my mum was on the verge of shattering… I think.

Since I have been at home revising constantly, I haven’t had time to do stuff around the house. I mean, I did clean the house last Saturday so I could spend my half term revising, but for some reason that was not enough for my mum. One day I hadn’t washed the plates that day. My mum came home and went into full on rant mode and we got into a argument and shouted at each other.

The next day I made sure to wash all the dirty dishes my parents dumped in there that morning, as well as my plates, as well as the dining table and the kitchen and mum came home and went into full on rant mode AGAIN for not clearing up my brother’s toys. When I went to clear them up, I thought to myself ‘What toys?’ Because there were only a few of these alphabet pieces on the floor and that was it.

Another day I aimed to do intense revision because I thought I hadn’t done that much so I had a bagel in the morning and starved myself for the rest of the day. I was going to clear up the mess I made in the morning when I had my next scheduled break but my mum came home and she went BERSERK.

My mum would just start spouting all this rubbish about how I never do anything and how I’m so lazy and how I wasn’t revising- that I was just watching anime all day and I was so hurt and angry because she KNEW that wasn’t true. She would always say such hurtful things and make me cry and when I did cry she would just give me this horrible look and tell me to grow up, that I’m not really upset when she knows I’m sensitive. I’m on the verge of crying just thinking about it.

Now today I managed to avoid annoying her until my dad told me to wash the plates. I said I’d do it in a while. Oh how I wished I had just done it…

I came into the kitchen and saw more plates and I was like, half jokingly ‘There’s more plates?’. I was, and still am, not feeling very well so I asked if I could just wash my plates and go. My mum wouldn’t have it so I washed the plates anyway. I was only trying my luck after all. Then I when my mum was having a go at me while I was obediently washing the plates, I opened my mouth (Oh, why did I open my mouth???) and told her that she was really strict with me but so lenient with my sister. I said that not because I thought it was unfair she was washing the plates, but because I wanted to show her that it’s because she wasn’t tough, like she is with me, that she turned out the way she did. My mum just started shouting and stormed off. I could’ve tried to explain it to her but seriously, I know better now. My mum is deluded. There’s no point trying to explain anything to this so-called Disciple of Jesus.

I went upstairs and could here my mum complaining and moaning to my dad, twisting my words and saying things that never once came out of my mouth. She complained about how she bought me donuts yesterday and how I said they were disgusting and refused to eat them, when in actually fact I ate one before my dinner but didn’t eat again because I was full and by the time I came home today, they were finished and I did say they tasted weird, but nice even though they were the worst donuts I had ever eaten in my life and the manufacturer should have been sued. She told my dad how I refused to eat the dinner she made because I said it was disgusting. I actually said it was nice, but had too much oil. And when I say too much oil, I MEAN too much oil. It was practically just oil and I felt so sick afterwards yet I forced myself to finish it to not hurt her feelings. I felt so sick obviously more disgusting donuts were not an option for me. My dad called me down and had a go at me as well, but in my dad’s defense, my mum tell him a lot of bullshit depicting me as a heartless demon. My dad only wants me to be a good and respectable child. My mum’s just got problems.

I don’t want to blame myself, because I believe I have done nothing wrong. My mum treats me like shit sometimes and doesn’t appreciate how much I’ve helped her over the years and how much I’m willing to do. Not for money or to be allowed to go out. For love. Because I do care. But I can’t help but have this feeling of deja-vu and now I know why. This is exactly how Grace was acting because she ignored me for good. Always fed up with me, even though I was actually in a relatively good mood most of the time at that time. The only time I was sad was when she was really hurting my feelings. It’s making me wonder if it is all my fault. If I turn people like this. If I’m just this terrible person who makes life difficult for everyone. I thought maybe it’s cause of my eczema complications that’s causing her stress and the only way to release it is to yell at me and get dad to tell me off. If that’s the case, I get that it’s stressful, that’s not excuse. You should never take your anger out on other people. I know I’ve done this and I’m not proud of it, but it’s still wrong none the less and it’s really getting me down.

It’s really pushing me to the edge and I’m worried I’ll say something I’ll live to regret. All out of spite to hurt her. And I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to hurt people.

Honestly, what did I do wrong?

~EpicCupcake signing out.

My Rants: I’ve had enough of them.

This is a rare post. Today I’m going to talk about my so-called family. What joy.

After leaving school late because Grace decided to have a hour long chat with my french teach (don’t even ask) I got a call from my dad to meet him and my sister at this pizza hut near my house. I was happy- I was getting pizza and sure I enjoyed that pizza- but things soon turned around when I found out that the wifi had been connective. It wasn’t a big shock; I already knew my dad was changing it or whatever. He put the password etc and it was set up. Then I asked him if he’d set it on my phone and, with a straight face, he simply said,

‘no’

and then I asked him why and he said that my sister uses the internet on her phone when her laptop goes off (he set this stupid family safety parent control thing so it logs off at 10) so he won’t put wifi on either on our phones.

Now I was furious. had to suffer for something my sister did and this wasn’t the first time. Two good instances were:

  1. On my 13th or 14th birthday, my sister made a stupid promise that she’d take me out to wherever after she came back from her friends house. My mum had even bought a cake that we were going to cut as soon as she got home. So there I was, waiting… waiting… Soon it was 6 o’clock, then 7 o’clock. 8, 9, 10, 11… Eventually she arrive near midnight so it was obvious that I wasn’t going anywhere. There was a big argument between her and my parents. They kept interrogating her- asking her where she really went. She kept insisting that she went to her friend’s house. Then, after the argument, my mum was snooping around in her bag and found a ticket to this really far place and a packet of cigarettes and from that moment on, my birthday was completely ruined and even my dad had a go at me the next day. My sister has never apologised for ruining my birthday and I know she never will- not even on my death bed.
  2. She got into a argument with my dad not that long ago because my dad asked her to tidy her room and she said she had no time and then she started watching stuff on the internet. I’m not really sure what else happened, since I had already left for school, but apparently she was rude, said horrible stuff to my mum saying that she wasn’t her mum and the usual stuff blah blah blah and then I came home to find that my computer time (by this point my dad had already shortened my computer time to go on at 9am and off at 10pm) had been shorten even further so that now it goes on at 1pm and off at 9pm and when I told my dad that it wasn’t fair that I need the time, he told me that if I spoke again, he’d shorten it even more. And this happened all because of my sister.

Why my dad punishes me when my sister does something wrong, I don’t know. As far as I’m concerned, I’m a good girl and I follow their ridiculous rule and the rest. Why must I suffer? What have I done wrong?

Nothing! That’s what!

Now that I’m only allowed 8 hours (actually 4 because it takes me a while to get back from school) and I have no wifi on my phone, I am seriously pissed off. Every single time, my parents are bloody restricting me! I’m not allowed to do this, I’m not allowed to do that. I have to sleep by this time. I have to whatever. They aren’t doing what’s best for me! They just want to punish me, like everyone else does! Even my sister who causes all of this, just told me a few minutes ago ‘I’ll break your charger.’ It’s my charger, she doesn’t have to use it. She doesn’t even have the right to. She was the one who wanted to swap chargers in the first place and then she broke my original charger and now she wants to take mine. She the most horrible human being I have ever met- even worse than that girl who swore at me for picking up someone’s pen! Sometimes I just wish she’d leave the house. I’m seriously counting down the days till she leaves for Uni, if she makes it that far, that is, because she doesn’t take her education seriously at all. No, she’d rather drink and smoke with some random strangers she probably met off the internet. Honestly, I’m better of without her.

And don’t even get me started on my parents. They are just so old-fashioned and believe that children don’t have a choice. Even though I’m in my finally in high school, I can’t even do the things that year sevens do. You know- go to other people’s houses, after school or whenever, weekends I’m not allowed to step out of the house unless I want to accompany them while they’re shopping and apparently, holidays are meant to be spent indoor. One thing I don’t get is that my so-called sister goes out every weekend. I swear, it’s favouritism. Maybe I should start behaving badly then and maybe I might get the slightest bit of attention.

Oh, here’s another fun story. One time, when I was in primary school and my sister was in high school, we all went out roller skating (well, at least, I did. My parents didn’t have skates and my sister… no comment) and at one point I found myself going down a hill and I couldn’t stop otherwise I’d fly forward and break my nose. I yelled for help but when I looked back, I saw my sister suddenly fall after standing still in one place and my parents where bending over to help her and whatever . It was clear that I wasn’t going to get any help so I just kept going downhill till I saw stone floor below. I panicked, wondering how to survive this. In the end, I skated towards the side where there was a tiny patch of grass and fell onto my stomach without taking to much damage. As I trudged back up, no one even said a word or even wondered where I’d went.

Even though I’m a good girl and I don’t cause problems for them, they always find a way to restrict me. For one thing, I hardly make plans to go out anyway so I mostly spend a lot of time indoor, on my computer, but for some reason, they don’t want me on the computer, they want me to talk to human beings when they stop me from going out in the first place. Thanks to them, I can’t have a life outside my house and I can’t have a life inside my house. Where else am I supposed to have a life? No, no, for them it’s study, study study, even from primary school when nothing really mattered.

I just can’t stand them or my sister or anyone else and they’re all driving me crazy and I feel like I’m going to fall into that depressive state again. I was already like that this morning an right now I’ve got a pretty bad headache. Usually, in order to manage that ‘state’, I read manga or watch anime in the night to get my mind of things. Of course, that’ll never happen now and I’m definitely going to go over all this and some other painful stuff that I’m not in the mood to share tonight and I’m going to stay up late anyway. It doesn’t make a bloody difference.

I’ve vented for too long so I’m going to end the post now before I right something I’ll regret later.

~EpicCupcake signing out.