I really don’t care!

Hello! I am feeling energetic today! So energetic that I want to write a post! (Y’know, since I neglected my blog for so long)

As you’ve probably guessed, I’m actually happy for once and it’s weird. It feels like I haven’t been my cheerful self for ages and it was what Grace told me that made me realise this. I’ll get to what she said later.

Anyways, today was the second day of my English controlled conditions for GCSEs and blah blah blah. And before I started, I started randomly saying/singing ‘I’m s-s-s-sorry. I’m s-s-s-s-sorry.’ In a deep voice and I noticed a girl laughing. I was only after looking up to her oddly that I realised she was laughing at me and I got really embarrassed. This wasn’t the first time I felt embarrassed in an English lesson (and during a controlled conditions for that matter) and at that time I couldn’t actually help it. i had this sort of coughing fit and the whole class started laughing. I don’t really feel like going into that story. So anyways, as she laughed and said something to her friend beside her, I began to think up excuses that could justify singing/speaking and then I said to myself (in my mind, of course)

I doesn’t actually matter.

So then I continued with my essay, trying my best to believe that so that I wouldn’t destroy my good mood. Eventually I forgot. It worked! For once…

I had P,E, after that. It was a single period so we just played football for the whole time. Our P.E. groups are actually our English groups this year, since P.E. comes after English. I love football by the way (playing it, that is. Not watching it) though I’m no good at scoring. I think I’m great at defending though; I’m always good at defending in sports. I found myself being tackled by the same girl (she does GCSE P.E. so you can imagine how scared I was (no  really, to be honest, but still…). I kind of messed up at one point and kept kicking the wrong leg because she kept kicking the ball in the other direction and I must’ve done this weird jumpy thing because after I’d successfully kicked the ball away from the goal (and her) she burst out laughing and went to her friend who was the keeper in my team. I walked off, with my eye on the ball thinking:

The ball is going towards your goal so… jokes on you, mate.


And I continued with the game. I didn’t even feel the least bit embarrassed- I didn’t care! This was weird because I always care. When someone tells me that so-and-so doesn’t like me, I obsess over it and end up doing or saying something stupid.

And that leads me to the main point of this point.

After school, I was talking to Grace and then suddenly, this girl, let’s call her Mandy, walks up to Grace and totally interrupts us. Yeah, this pissed me off because she always interrupts us everyday and it really gets on my nerves. After she’d finished speaking to Mandy, I told Grace how Mandy was so annoying always interrupting our conversations and Grace looking to the side awkwardly and said.

‘About Mandy…’

And then she told me what Mandy, who I, didn’t think was nice in particular, but at least respected people, said about me. She told me how she hates me because I’m moody all the time, which isn’t actually true because:

  1. This moody, upset business only lasted for a few weeks and for the end of last year and
  2. She doesn’t know anything about about me.

She also told Grace how she shouldn’t be my friend and all I could think was:

‘That backstabber!’ I also said that out loud.

I wasn’t too shocked though, she usually ignores my existence even though I say hi to her and try to be friendly and talkative towards her especially since my whole depressed episode. Strangely enough, the thought escaped my mind and I forgot about her for a good hour or so (after school club) but as I walked home, I thought about what I should do about it. I had told Grace that I was going to talk to her about it but of course she asked me not to; Mandy had asked her not to tell me, but I seriously want to tell her that it isn’t okay to say things about people behind their backs especially if they don’t know their situation (and in my case, I was just crazy but it’s not like I could help it). That’s the worse thing, you know- hearing that someone said something behind your back. Although it’s rude, I appreciate people who say what they think to a person’s face. Saying something behind someone’s back is not only cruel but shows that their a coward who can’t even be truthful. How can you trust someone who does it? Even Grace thinks that Mandy talks about her behind her back. I’m sure she has because she loves to gossip, even about Grace and her private life.

I’m going a little off topic. So, I decided that I could do two things:

  1. Confront her, without being rude of course, because I’m not aiming to hurt her.
  2. Leave it alone.

As I was about to just leave it alone, I decided to do something else. As a scientist, I decided to do an experiment. I would be as friendly as possible to Mandy, compliment her, try to have a nice conversation with her and try and join in with their conversations. Then I’ll ask Grace what she says about me.

I know this sounds like I care, but I actually don’t. I just want to try an experiment now that I have the chance. I guess this short story series I’m writing is influencing me (it has major science and psychology themes), but I might end up not doing it. I have exams and stuff so I can’t really be bothered. Maybe it’s the exams that are making everything seem so trivial. Yeah, that’s probably it.

I just feel so energetic and happy. Maybe it’s because earlier my baby bro fell on his side cause he laughed so much, I kept lying even after. Anyway (I keep saying that) I’m kind of hungry and I have homework to do so…

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Dear Diary: First Day of School

Haha, oh Spongebob… *sighs*

School has officially commenced!

Surprisingly enough, my first day of school went great! Grace was back and so were my other friends so I wasn’t alone most of the time. I still have the same subjects so it’s obvious that I’d be in most of the same classes but I’ve still moved a few and have new teachers… Haven’t met any of them yet… That’ll be tomorrow.

It was mostly a normal day apart from the fact that I came in at 7:30 for reasons I can’t be bothered to explain because I’ve already got homework, my teachers keep going on and on about revision and I’m quite tired. Anyway- back to the topic- I was surprised at my mood today at school. Normally, at least during one point of the day, I’ll be upset or angry in some way. Always… almost always… But today I was just happy overall so it looks like I may be able to achieve my goals that I set a few posts ago.

Still, I’m not talking that much in school and I’m still the quiet girl in the corner of the room, unless I’m with Grace, that is. It’s funny how friends bring out a different side of you. I was mostly silent in my maths class, only daring twice to ask the person next to me how to do a certain question. I stupidly came late and there were hardly any seats left so I had to sit with people that I find it really really really difficult to talk to. I’m pretty sure there were many chances I could join in with the conversation but I was too scared to. I guess social anxiety is a lot harder to beat even if you’re all positive and happy…

Still, that didn’t ruin my mood. I got to sit in the special year 11 canteen today and although it’s really cramped (no different than the other canteen) it was a nicer, more pleasant experience because seriously, if I hear ‘happy birthday to you’ one more time, I swear- I WILL explode. (figuratively, of course 😉 )

And as for my default pissed off face, I think it’ll be a while before I’ll see it again.

I wonder what actually caused my general good mood? Was it the fact that I’ve been taking really good care of my skin lately? Was it because I did my hair? Was it because I’ve been drinking water every chance I get? Was it because I planted good thoughts in my mind. Was it because I viewed everything uncomfortable that happened as a chance for a challenge? Or was it because I did some yoga the day before? (Yeah, I did yoga. In my cramped room, of course; I was too nervous to let anyone else see) Maybe it’s a combination. If it was a combination, then let me give you some advice:

  1. Be determined to change.
  2. Take care of yourself (health, body and fitness)
  3. View everything as a challenge (believe me, that stopped me from crying)
  4. Plant good thoughts in your head.

On my phone (I have a crappy blackberry) this is the message I have on my locked screen

You are kind, fun and very important. Don’t forget that 😉

Smile and think positively

And in the background, it has this:

‘couldn’t you earn money doing this?’

Okay, showing you that wasn’t necessary.

In conclusion! I believe that I will not be catching ‘school fever’ anytime soon. Maybe when mock exams begin (month’s time)

well, until next time!

~EpicCupcake signing out.