…I last made a post.
…I was Grace’s friend.
…I could actually open my mouth and talk when I felt like talking.
I’m sorry that I haven’t actually posted anything, or even been on WordPress at all, since some days ago. Maybe you might not realise it, but I do and I feel a bit guilty since I said that I’d post regularly… But I swear, this time I wasn’t procrastinating! I was actually doing homework, revising and being plagued by problems constantly.
It feels like my bad luck is striking me again. That day I made that post (‘A Thought:…’ Was it?) I was experiencing my bad luck’s evil works. The darn buses were failing me. When I was coming out of school that day, I just missed this bus and when I checked the bus times, it said the next one was in 10 or 20 minutes and there was no way on earth I was waiting that long in the cold. So I waited for another bus at another bus stop that was coming fairly soon… but it was full and the bus driver closed the door on this old lady when she was trying to go in. How sad… Buses are just cruel.
In addition to that, I’ve lost a number of things:
- Four pens
- One pen lid
- My 30cm ruler that folds in half (I loved that ruler)
- My oyster card (Just when I about to get on the bus)
- My prefect badge (Spent a whole lunch time looking for it on the street and was almost late back to school)
- My P.E. kit and other stuff.
Now, I found most of these things though they caused me trouble to find. My prefect badge was the worst because I realised it was missing after I had my P.E. lesson at the leisure center so I panicked. It could’ve been anywhere! My friend Cinnamon helped me look for it though which was nice of her (Grace wouldn’t have done that for me *puffs out cheeks*) What made it worse was that as we were walking back, we realised we were walking a different way from before so the badge could’ve been on the other side of the road but we could cross to check because we only had 5 minutes to get back to school and at that point we already needed 10! We got back on time, though (a cover teacher took the register)
I found it in the end… in my SCHOOL BAG.
But enough about losing things. I’m more worried about other things. Like friends for example. I know that I should be 100000000 times grateful for my friends, but I can’t help but feel lonely, like I don’t fit in. I want to become part of their ‘official’ friendship group, but I don’t know them that well, and they don’t know me. It’ll be kind of hard. I sometimes feel jealous of Grace, how she has that perfect friendship group that I used to have… with her and my friend who refuses to step into school at all. I’m a lone wolf now and although I don’t like it, I’ll have to live with it. I’ve got my life so I have to live it and leave pain behind because it’ll only hinder me…
…that’s why I spoke to Grace for the first time in a month on Thursday. I just said hi with this goofy smile on my face and she responded with that same goofy smile, as if nothing had happened, as if we were still friends. Of course it got awkward when we had nothing to speak about, so I said ‘see ya in English!’ and went to buy some juice for the lunch that I didn’t eat because I was looking for that bloody badge.
That moment kind of gave me hope. Hope that one day, we’d become friends again- best friends- and that our friendship would always last. But I read too much fiction. This is reality, and it’s a lot harder to predict what will happen in the future based on one moment. I knew that Grace had moved on, and I have too. We can’t get stuck in the past because I know how it’ll end up (and this actually contradicts what I said earlier but I know that nothing good can come out of that).
I decided that I didn’t want to be Grace’s best friend, but that I’d settle for just a friend or acquaintance because it’s better that way. I don’t want us to be enemies anymore. I don’t want it to be awkward between us anymore and I know that to move on, we can’t avoid each other so we have to get along in a way that doesn’t hold us back.
At first I was a little skeptical that my little plan/idea would work, because she never really came out and talked to me after that (I only talked to her once after that), but (and I know this sounds stupid) yesterday she asked me for my rubber casually. She actually turned around and addressed me and I was glad that finally the air has become less suffocating around us. Maybe we’ll start talking again. Maybe we won’t. But at least we’re slowly moving on.
One funny thing I just realised was that was how our friendship started in the first place. Not that she asked me for a rubber, rather I asked her for some scissors… and kept asking over and over because I was too lazy to buy my own. Funny way to start a friendship.
Apart from my problems with bad luck, feeling lonely and Grace (I miss calling her Backstabber, the name kind of grew on me. But I promised I’d stop after a month so…), I’m still dealing with my unstable emotions and my social anxiety.
I think my music teacher is starting to notice my strange behaviour: how I sometimes stare right at a teacher (her included), and sometimes I can’t hold someone’s gaze for very long and end up looking down after 2 seconds, and how I always seem to not to be able to see people when I’m walking out of school. Maybe I’m being a little paranoid (I am) but I think recently she’s been paying more attention to me, saying hi to me when I see her in the canteen or when I’m walking out of school looking at the opposite direction to were she was walking, pretending I never saw her in the first place. I think she knows that I’m shy. No, perhaps more than shy because I know a lot of shy people who seem outgoing compared to me.
I wonder why I do that. I wonder why I can’t hold people’s gazes and look away embarrassed and then feel like punching myself for looking away so obviously. I wonder why I always see people but pretend that I never saw them in the first place. I’m very observant, you know. Well, most of the time. And why do I hold people’s gaze for so long with a straight face? I do this to my french teacher almost all the time. Why on earth do I do that?!
But I guess my shyness isn’t so bad. I’m pushing myself to talk to people who sit next to me and I think it’s working because I feel more comfortable than I did before. This doesn’t mean that I have the confidence to actually hold a conversation (or their gaze for that matter) but I’m getting there!
I’m really worried about my speaking exams though. I was lucky during my spanish one, because even though my mind went blank, I had practised it so much that it just flew out of my mouth. I got an A* for that and I’m proud of myself. During my french, on the other hand, I was extremely nervous because I had to learn it during exam week in year 10, my french teach was pissed because I missed the time I was supposed to do the speaking (I just didn’t go), and being alone with my french teacher was nerve-wrecking in itself… I managed to speak it with as much fluency as I could muster, but I spoiled it when I shouted ‘NO!’ when I mixed up a certain word. I realised it was a stupid thing to do because the word I said fit the sentence perfectly. I got an A. I almost cried because I was expecting my grade to drop seriously with the stupid ‘NO!’.
This year I’m more worried because I felt that my other speaking were just a stroke of luck and… I’m not having any luck at all (except bad luck). But for me it’s not so much the remembering part that I need to worry about. It’s my nerves. Before my spanish last year, I spent the time most people used to practise to calm myself down and breathe. It didn’t work; my heart raced and my mind went blank as my teacher said ‘GCSE’.
Just as I was lucky with my speaking, I was lucky with my music solo. But my music ensemble went terribly and I fear that the same will happen for my speaking exams this December. I already feel overloaded with revision and my piano exam and with my science prefect board that I feel like exploding. That might be why my mood has been acting up. One day I’m fine, the next day I’m fed up and then I’m just upset and then I’m happy. I’m not enjoying being a teenager.
The science prefect board, by the way, is a board for the science prefects to write about any subject in science or stick up posters and whatnot. The science teachers have told us to write stuff about the environment and I was not happy about that. I wanted to go into quantum physics! I wanted to do this cool poster called ‘How to Make an Atom!’ and write it like a recipe. Okay, it was a lot cooler in my head.
We decided to divide the board into chemistry, biology and physics and I was put in charge of chem. I wanted to do physics and write about radiation and go into detail and explain alpha, beta and gamma radiation and talk about the bosons that actually caused this but no… I was stuck with chemistry. But I like chemistry, I really do, but all I could think of that was about the environment was greenhouse gases and acid rain, and I really didn’t want to write about them.
But then I was struck with an idea. I could go into significant detail about global warming and explain how the structure of greenhouse gases caused the greenhouse effect. Bad idea… I found out that it was a bit complicated and I had to read a few other sources to gather the basic understandings. And then I thought, if it took me a while to understand it, how would a ks3 student or even a ks4 student or even the triple science class understand it? I already had the basic understandings of things like electronegativity and chemical polarity and I still don’t understand some of it!
But them I thought, some people don’t question things like I do, so if I explained it as simply as I could whilst still going into detail, no one would really care.
Who even looks at that board anyway? (Actually, it might be a lot of people because there like four clases that wait in the corridor with that board)
Honestly, it would’ve been easier if I did the atom thing. It’s easy to explain and easier to understand.
Enough about science though.
I started reading this book called ‘Hush Hush’ and it’s actually really good. I thought it wouldn’t be, because my sister has read it. I never trust anything my sister reads because I feel that our interests are different. To my surprise, they’re quite similar. I wasn’t quite sure that I’d like it, but I was desperate to read something because I had just finished ‘Slither’s Tale’ and I wondered how long it would be till I read the next book ‘Alice’. I can’t wait! But I was foolish to start a book series. I was planning to read something as I reserved and waited for the book ‘The Fault in Our Stars’. Which Cinnamon recommended. She also said that Hush Hush was really good so now I have faith in the book. I totally trust Cinn’s choice. She’s actually reading Les Misérables at the moment which like 1200 pages long (it’s massive) and she let me read a small passage that talked about consciousness and it was just so poetic and I loved it. I wanted to read the book, but it’s way too long. I don”t think I could carry that around with me. But today I watched the movie, which was actually a musical. It was a great story and I loved it despite the fact that my sister was talking and complaining all through it. I hate watching things with her…
I haven’t read a lot of it, so despite what any says, my favourite part of Hush Hush has to be the beginning, when Chauncey was like ‘I AM THE DUC DU LANGEAIS!!!‘ But I do like the part with Patch and Nora.
Speaking about stories, I recently started this challenge called NANOWRIMO which I think stands for ‘National Novel Writing Month’. I was lucky to catch it earlier on this month because you had to write a novel (50,000 words) in 30 days and submit it at least one minute before the 1st of December. I started it but never finished; I have my GSCE exams in December and I can’t afford to write. It hurts though, I love writing stories and I was determined to write this novel, but I don’t have the time so I’m going to have to leave it. Maybe next time. Hopefully they’ll be something that’s happening this summer. I’ll be starting afresh in August next year so I don’t have to worry about studying or revising. I can just focus on reading, writing, making songs, watching/reading anime/manga, sleeping, watching movies and possibly learning Japanese. I only know the basics and I really want to learn how to speak it at least, but I need to continue learning my verbs.
This post is really long so I’ll stop here. I also need to revise again because I didn’t do any yesterday because I was occupied with my ideas for the chem section. I’m soooooo tired. I could fall asleep right now…
Oh, one last thing! Cloud’s birthday is coming up and I don’t know what to get her! I considered asking her but I didn’t for two reasons:
- I think gifts should be more of a surprise
- She’d tell me ‘Anything is fine!’
So if you know what I could give to a sixteen year old girl, PLEASE tell me. I know it’s weird, but I don’t know what most girls like. I just want notebooks… seriously (I got three last Christmas 🙂 )
But, wow, Cloud is going to be 16. I swear in America you can drive at sixteen. I can’t imagine Cloud driving; that’d be too weird…
Okay, now I’m done.
~EpicCupcake signing out.