MAN VS MACHINE!!! / Social Anxiety: Independence

More like an asthmatic girl against a double-decker bus…

One day I was on my way to college and my bus went on diversion. I didn’t think this was a big deal because I knew it was gonna end up in the same place. What I didn’t know was how long the ‘little detour’ was. And I ended up getting to my next bus stop late. I saw the bus was coming in two minutes and thought ‘I can make that!’ …I couldn’t. The bus times had failed me yet again.

It was nearing eight o’clock and I knew if I didn’t catch a bus within five minutes, there would be literally no point. Past eight o’clock the bus stop gets crowded with other colloege students pushing and shoving in a desperate attempt to make it to their 8:30 lesson (That’s right. I said 8:30). I checked the times… The bus was coming in… 12 minutes.

At that point I stomped all the way to my college muttering to myself how I should’ve gotten another bus and how I left so early on to be running to college. It occured to me that the bus might actually pass me if I walked and the thought of that made me more and more determined to get there before the bus. Something about seeing the bus I didn’t wait for, because I thought I get to college earlier if I walked, drive straight past me… No, I wouldn’t stand for that. So I picked up the pace and somehow, without running even once, I made it. I had beat the bus. And while I knew I wouldn’t get an applause or flowers or a trophy, I still felt like I’d achieved the impossible. I felt like a gold medalist.

And it somehow got me through the day without punching a wall or something.

So, how’s it been lost travelers of the internet? I have been absent from WordPress and I’ve explained many times how I wouldn’t be able to post as frequently because of the whole business of sorting out my future career. You know.. A levels, volunteering, work experience… I even started my CV!

But as much as I want to do Pharmacy in uni (that’s what I’m sticking with now. Not Medicine.) this preparation is really depressing me. Seriously, I woke up today I felt like I couldn’t be bothered to do life. I just wanted to sleep all day and forget that I’m getting closer and closer to adulthood everyday. Urgh. I wish I was still a kid and could spend my half term playing Poptropica all day…

I’m getting more and more independant everyday and getting more and more responsibilities, and while I feel proud of myself from migrating away from my old little shy dependant self, I can’t help but miss the days when I depended more on adults. I mean I have five appointments next week. All of which I must take myself to. Then I must also go about looking for a volunteering oppurtunity, by myself, and even talk during my old school’s curriculum evening. I’d have to talk to perhaps up to 150 parents of year 9 students about GCSEs and the thought of that scares the life out of me. It would be okay if I was talking to the students. My social anxiety has died down a little to let me do something like that only feeling a little nervous, but talking to parents?! Just thinking about it makes me almost wet myself. But hey, I’ve promised myself to put myself out there, because I know that exposing myself to uncomfortable social situations is the only way I’ll grow and eventually rid myself of this persistent thing I like to call social awkwardness.

When looking for volunteering opportunities, I first looked for ones that weren’t too scary. Nothing where I’d be placed in an awkward social situation. But now I’ve realised it’s pointless. If you really want to rid social anxiety or shyness, you have to face your fear head on. That’s what I’ve learnt and doing that really helps. I mean, I was able to book an optician’s appointment without saying the word ‘um’ even once! I was even the one who called them. I willingly called them, whereas in the past I’d only call after my mum shouts “Just pick up the phone! They’re not gonna kill you for goodness sake!” And even when I called them, I wasn’t nervous and it wasn’t actually that scary. I don’t care what anyone says, that was a great improvement.

I’ll say this again and again until my exams are over- I won’t be able to post as frequently. If I haven’t posted for a month- don’t worry I’m probably not dead. My exams are in may so after Easter I won’t be posting anything. Unless something really interesting happens and I have a little time to post.

Till next time!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

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It’s Always Nice When Heat is Warm

MOCK EXAMS

Haven’t drawn anything in a while…

My creative juices are running dry at the moment. I hope that’ll change soon and you’ll find out why soon enough.

So this random post has been placed in the Dear Diary category- the category I use when I want to give you an update on my latest fails so that’s what this posts about.

First and foremost, I like to say how shocked I am at how well I’m getting on at college. I always thought that I’d never talk to any of my classmates outside of my lessons, but oh how that has changed! Okay, it’s not like I suddenly became a pro at socialising overnight, but I think I’m improving. Before I never really talked in lessons, but now I feel like I’m talking too much in my bio lessons and moderately in my chemistry lessons. As some weird rule, I don’t talk much in maths and haven’t since GCSE but even today I had a conversation with the guy I sit next to which didn’t feel forced or traumatising either. Even though I’m still silent in physics, there is one girl in that class that I talk to a bit so I feel like maybe that’s a sign that I’ll soon feel like I fit in. Right now in my bio class, I really do feel like I fit in and that’s a first for me. I like how I can comfortably talk to others in my class and even talk across the room which I never used to do and that’s awesome! For me, at least.

I’m not even sure how it happened, but I feel like some switch has just been flicked and my social energy saver light bulb is slowly glowing brighter and brighter. I’m beginning to wonder why I was struggling so much. Though, like I said, I’m still not there yet and I’m still shy and a little awkward but I feel like I’m opening up to people and I’m actually enjoying college a lot more than high school!

My typical week involves me hanging out a lot with Tori and we’d meet up with other friends. It would involve me going to help out in the local primary school and learning how to be less awkward around kids. It would involve me and Tori running the student-run chemistry revision sessions. It would involve me strengthening my bond with Phoenix, texting and talking whenever we can etc. Oh, and lessons, of course. I don’t feel stressed, I’m hardly ever alone and I don’t need to worry about being alone and I’m happy and I’m comfortable. The people around me are nice and friendly and it’s not that hard to talk to them. Yep… life is good… apart from mocks which are NEXT WEEK!!!

DUN

DUN

DUUUUUUUUUN!!!

Oh well…

Let me tell you a bit about the chemistry revision sessions and the primary school volunteering.

The revision sessions started quite late, due to the word about it coming out late and can blame that on Tori’s chemistry teacher. When we finally had our first session, only about four people came which was both fortunate and unfortunate. Fortunate because I’m shy and don’t fair well in large crowds. Unfortunate because… well, it looked a little sad. We had prepared a powerpoint ages ago but ended up discarding it once we realised that students wanted exam practice and help with questions. So the first week was a fail. The second week however, which just so happens to be this week, we had a few more people, though still a small amount, and I had prepared high level questions to get them really thinking so that they’d ace the mocks and that actually went well! I also feel like the explaining and giving tips will help build my confidence and maybe help me learn to be more social.

Another thing that I think is helping me is the volunteering. I’m coming to really like my class and their teacher. The kids are cute, enthusiastic funny and polite and they even call me ‘miss’! Though some call me by my name which I appreciated cause I’m not used to being called miss so if they call me, I won’t even realise. One thing I want to be able to do is be more firm and tell the kids to quiet down if the teacher wants silence, or tell them to grab a book when it’s time to read. I don’t feel like doing that cause I’m not in authority, but it’ll help the teacher as well as help me to become more assertive. But I don’t wanna tell off childreeeeeeen! Teeny, tiny childreeeeeeeeen!

In other news, I’m in a really good, really weird mood. A bug called Christmas has been going round and infecting people, giving people that warm, soft, gentle, Christmasy feeling. I caught it. And now I’m demanding my mum to find the Christmas songs she and my dad used to play on the CD player. I want to be reminded of  those past magical Christmas and somehow recreate at least half of it. But that’s not the point of this post. The  point is that London is going to look all romantic and Chrsitmasy and Phoenix wants us to go to the city and this has sort of driven me crazy. The previous night, I was filled with such fluffy mashmallow soft feels as I daydreamed (nightdreamed? … dreamed???) about a romantic evening-looking afternoon as we gaze upon the river and the twinkling lights. I would hand Phoenix her present, which would be a story specially written for her, and chocolate, cause she practically lives on that stuff. Then I’d tell her that I like her, and tell her that I know I already told her (texted her) but this time I wanted to say it to her face. And then I’d tell her not to feel bad that she doesn’t feel the same way because I don’t care whether we date or not, just that I want to be near her, for her and as close to her as I am now, maybe even closer. Then I’d get flustered and trip on a rock.

I don’t know why I feel so loveydovey today. Maybe it’s because I’m sleep-deprived (didn’t sleep for three days straight) because in my physics lesson, I almost burst into hysterics. It was a cold day and there was some sort of warm air coming from a vent or something and one guy goes,

‘Oh, warm heat!’

And then the guy who sit’s next to me started laughing and I wondered why but then I always thought he was a bit strange… Then he says,

‘Yeah, it’s always nice when heat is warm.’

And then it came. I had to press my hand firmly over my mouth to reign back those wild giggles that were about to spill and explode everywhere.. Which made me look really weird cause I was making small noises every time a laugh threatened to escape. Even now I find it funny, though it isn’t really, but back then, oh my goodness, I found it priceless… Pure gold…

Yeah… I’m actually really tired… and hungry, so I’ll end on this note. I was gonna write about more. Hopefully I’ll be able to write about the really cute guy in my maths class and about Grace. I was gonna at that to this blog but I’m practically nodding off.

I hope you have a nice day.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Social Anxiety: The Battle Continues

This is really cute :3

As you may or may not know, I am currently suffering from social anxiety or something similar to that I don’t know it’s not like I was diagnosed or anything…

Aaaaanyway, Since I started this blog, I think I have definitely made some progress though I’m still a long way off.

I hate the fact that I’m quiet and can’t think of anything to say. Literally the only things that come out of my mouth are puns… I ccan be so boring sometimes…

I’m still attempting to make good friendships in college. I was hoping to get close to the guy who sat next to me in chemistry but then the seating plan changed 😦 but the girl I’m sitting next to is really friendly and I get along with her, but the only thing is that she doesn’t watch anime… Oh well…

It’s getting harder and harder to speak in lessons. Every is getting so familiar to everyone else and yet I hardly know anyone’s name. My physics class is so chummy even though they met only just in September. Somehow I feel like an outcast, sitting there quietly while everyone else screeches like monkeys… Well you get what I mean…

I’m always jealous at how my other friends talk to people in their classes outside of class, while I only talk to one person. Well, one person is better than none so I shouldn’t complain.

I have no idea how to crank up the socialising… setting (?) but I think now I should just focus on my studies cause I’ve been ill for three days and all hell is going to break loose pretty soon when I find out what I must catch up on…

Arrggh! Education!

But ti’s not all bad- the social anxiety I mean. I’m not sure if I mentioned this earlier (actually I probably didn’t) but I now help out in the local primary school (local as in, to my college, not my home) and the Peanut of before would have screamed and hid in the corner. And let me tell you, when I found out I was to help out in a class by myself (not with anyone from my college) I did feel like screaming and hiding. Every pair of eyes were on me as I stepped inside and I felt so self-conscious. I mean, as well as not being good with kids, I hadn’t the first idea how I was supposed to help out.

But eventually I was like ‘Damn girl, breathe!’ and I calmed down and I helped out the kids and even talked to them. Now I’m already familiar with a few, I’m less nervous and… I found out that working with kids is kind of fun, which was a nice surprise because I signed myself up for this by accident (don’t even ask…)  I don’t know why I got so shy in the first place. Of course, I’m still shy now, just a lot lot lot less. Even when I broke into a coughing fit (asthma) I didn’t feel hot with embarrassment.

There are still odd moments like when I got lost and ended up making a fool of myself in front of the teacher next door yet again. My friend was helping out in that class and told me that the teacher asked if I was okay or something. I will never enter that class again. Ever.

Now it’s time for a new challenge. I didn’t actually think of this- my friend Tori did. We decided to set up a Chemistry society and I still don’t know what she plans to do in it, but it’s along the lines of a revision thing plus some chemistry outside our syllabus (yay!). The two of us have to present it on our own, without any teachers, in front of a whole bunch of students. This’ll be nerve-wrecking but as long as Tori’s there and as long as I don’t pee myself, I’ll be fine. I’ve got this. Yep…

And so the battle continues…

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Social Anxiety: How to be normal

I’m finally free!!!!

My mock exams are over and now I can procrastinate full-time!! Until after Christmas when I have to continue revising and doing stuff for the science department. But let’s wait till then to talk about that. Now onto my main point.

Last night I had a conversation with my mum after watching ‘Miranda’ which is officially one of my favourite shows. I said to her that ‘I don’t get people.’ She then gave me an odd look and then asked me if it was about Grace. Then I tried my best to explain what I meant.

And what I meant was exactly that. I don’t get people… at all… I mean, firstly, eye contact. What the heck is that? What are the so-called ‘rules’? When you enter a room, where do you look? When you talk to someone, where do you look? If you pass a stranger on the street, where do you look? When your seating opposite someone on the bus, where do you look?

The Science Behind Being NORMAL

I’m pretty sure that I’ve looked up on Google at some point in my life ‘How to be normal’, because I recall reading something about the rules of eye contact. It said: don’t avoid all eye contact.

‘Fair enough.’

Then it said, don’t make direct eye contact.

‘Fai- Wait… Hold on a minute…’

Lastly, it said something about making  2/3 eye contact and I thought:

‘How does that even work???’

I concluded that it must mean that if you’re talking to someone for 3 minutes, you mus make eye contact for 2 minutes and avoid it for 1 minute. I told my mum about it and she agreed, though I think she just did it to get me to shut up. She was pretty tired and kept dosing off until I nudged her in the side. I didn’t really believe in the whole 2/3 thing, but it made a bit of sense if you break the 2 miniutes and 1 minute up like they say you can do for exercise so I could make eye contact for 2 seconds, then avoid it for 1 and then complete the cycle. Trouble is, that’ll take quite a bit of concentration and I already find it a little difficult to concentrate on what people say without getting lost in my thoughts.

Really, what I do is look at someone’s eyes for a few seconds and then look at their nose or something. That doesn’t work well if they’ve got something in their nose. It just makes me want to laugh. And after bursting out with laughter at the french assistant yesterday, I don’t feel like laughing at anyone. That’s a funny story, I might tell it another time if I’m bored.

And then there’s walking into rooms, one of the things that scare me the most. Whenever I enter my form room in the morning, I always look at the clock which probably makes it look like I can’t stand to look at anyone else’s faces. I probably have this facial expression that makes me look stuck up. I know some people used to think I was like that and I used to have no idea why. My default face probably did that. And my reluctance to speak.

But seriously, where do you look? At someone’s face? At the floor? I can’t look at the floor and making eye contact with someone who doesn’t seem to be smiling or saying ‘hi’ makes me nervous and I kind of fidget and I automatically look away.

Sometimes I think it’s because I think to much. But if I don’t over think, then I’m not Peanut. I’m able to sense danger because I over think. I’m able to apply my scientific knowledge because I over think. I’m able generate awesome story ideas because I over think! I always over think. I even over think about over thinking! Isn’t that what I’m doing now?

Okay. Solution. Don’t over think only when it comes to people I know. Well, easier said then done, but I’ll look into social protocols and tips and stuff and see if I can actually get at least 50 points on my challenge. I’m on 14 points at the moment. Sucks to be me.

But really, if I look at this post’s title ‘how to be normal’, I don’t really want to be normal. Not completely normal at least. Just a little bit more so I can communicate with other human beings. Once I achieve that, who cares about normal?! Weird is wonderful and exciting and I have no intention of surrendering to General Normal. (Hey, see what I did there? I said general and normal… Well at least I found it funny…)

I’ll try my best!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

I Don’t Want To Grow Up!

Hello!

I am so sorry that I haven’t actually made a written post like this in a while. It’s the same excuse- homework, revision, procrastination… But to be honest, I sort of lost it yesterday.

Finally part of the full stress of GCSE has hit me and my mock exams are in two weeks, starting with my spanish orals. How lucky am I? Yesterday I blew off work completely, after my calculator starting acting up, and went all out relaxing… until reality came rushing back after my shockwave flash crashed 2nd time in a row while I was playing poptropica. And before you say anything, I am not too old to play poptropica! Just as I’m not too old to watch Spongebob Squarepants (though I haven’t watched it these last few months…). And besides, poptropica has these new sound effects and a new island called Virus Hunter or something so I was basically revising biology.

I was worried when it crashed for the second because I was pretty annoyed, and I knew how pissed off I could get if I lose repeatedly in poptropica, so I decided to close it down, get some books and start my revision again. But, of course, I distracted myself with something I like to call ‘manga surfing’ which doesn’t involve using a manga as a surf board (I just kidding you; you knew that already 😉 ), but actually involves looking up manga and I found this one about cooking and-

Let’s stay on the topic.

So anyways, I was manga surfing and watching TV so it took me even longer to work than it normally does and I was hardly paying attention to my work and just felt like slacking off again.

But then the TV spoke to me.

I was watching Popgirl because there was nothing good on and ‘Life With Derek’ came on. In the episode it looked like some super important exam was coming up and Casey (or however you spell her name) was doing full on non-stop revision and Derek was procrastinating. (Sounds familiar…) Then Derek had a vision or a premonition of what his life would be like if he did badly on the exams.I didn’t actually get it, but I could tell it was bad.

So then I panicked a little and when I panic, I procrastinate and I continued to read manga whilst pretending to do a maths paper.

That night, I stayed up till about 1 or 2 am reading ‘Crescendo’, the second book of ‘Hush Hush’ to avoid sleeping, waking up and going to school, and when I finally put the book, I started obsessing over a question in the maths paper. It was probably easy and I already put an answer, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. This morning I woke up (late) and not long after 20 minutes or so, I burst into tears. Thinking of exams, revision, homework and time  management- it was all too much!

My mum heard me crying and talked to me and she helped me make some changes to manage my time better and keep focused on my work. One of those changes was to go to the library after school which I didn’t do because I hadn’t told anyone and I didn’t bring my normal revision stuff. My dad made my mood worse though, and when he heard about what I was crying about, he blamed it all on me saying that I have time for manga “and other rubbish” but not for my studies and I went to school feeling as I normally did on Monday mornings- angry… pathetic…

But then after crying a bit more and getting advice from people at school, I ended up coming home with a half grin on my face (not full. I’d never grin in public on my own) whilst thinking about my brother and his kicking. He opens door now, by the way, so I have to be always on guard. But, long story short, I cool with my dad now, I’ve de-cluttered my room and, in the process, part of my brain so I think I’m ready to start serious revision! But maybe I’ll also clean my locker- that’s a whole other story…

*Sigh…* Sometimes I wish I’ll stay a kid forever or at least be whisked away to some fictional land, where they don’t have GCSEs, on a magical adventure filled with hard-core action with swords and everything and a beautiful romance with a happily ever after.

I need to get my head out of the clouds.

As for my challenge, I think I’ve earned a good 7 points already. 5 for getting off my lazy bottom to buy a present for Cloud’s birthday (In case you’re wondering, I got her a necklace). It was the first time I’d ever gone out to a shopping center by myself on weekday and boy was it nerve-wrecking! I splashed on some subtle make to camouflage myself- I had to ‘blend in’, and quickly went around the shops in search of a gift. Let me tell you, going shopping on your own isn’t fun, especially when you get cornered by random people from Green Peace or guys trying to sell their album and make their name in the world. I was forced to talk to that guy for a good few minutes before I could escape.

The other two points were for greeting people in my church choir (which I recently joined) even though I felt like punching myself instead. They’re nice people who don’t laugh at me when I drop all my little sheet on the floor every week, but it’s just hard not to be nervous, especially when you’re me…

That’s going to be my main challenge of the week- greeting people. I’ll make a little counter thingy to take note of my points. That’s 7 so far! Not much, but a good start!

I’ll finish this post here, but maybe next time I’ll talk about my friend Phoenix because I find her really interesting. Or maybe I talk about something completely different. Well, you’ll just have to find out next time.

Again, sorry for the late post. Don’t be surprised if I don’t write a post again till the weekend, but I’ll try to post something before then. If I don’t… then I’ll give you a muffin. Is chocolate okay? 😉 Till next time.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Social Anxiety: Challenge Accepted!

Social Anxiety?

Short post! (Hopefully!)

Sorry, I’m feeling a little hyper right now.

Today I was going about with my day as normal when something struck me.

They say that the best way to confront a fear is to face it. I’m not about to fill a bucket of spiders and throw my hand inside. No, I’m going to challenge social anxiety. Now, that I’m writing (typing) this, I feel like I’m going a little crazy, but I thought about it and figured that if I expose myself to ‘social’, I’ll reduce the ‘anxiety’.

So I’ve decided to do one thing every week that I would normally never do because I’m too scared to do it. Small things though. Perhaps say something to someone I wouldn’t normally open my mouth around. And to make sure I don’t get bored of it, I’ll give it a points system, like the CBT depression app thingy has. I don’t know what it is that makes points so appealing… The more daring, the more points- that’s how it’ll work.

And I guess it doesn’t have to be exclusively limited to talking to people. I could give myself a point for doing something in public I wouldn’t do or not having a panic attack if I see a spider. The other day I even dared to take a picture of the sky. Yeah, I know it’s not much of an accomplishment, but it’s something I’m scared of doing. Lame, I know.

It feels a little far-fetched though. I don’t believe that this little experiment/challenge will cure me. It probably won’t, but I think it’ll make a good start.

I’ll think of something to do tomorrow. I really hope this works because my social anxiety, or whatever this is, really bugs me and stops me from being… well, me!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

It feels like forever since…

…I last made a post.

…I was Grace’s friend.

…I could actually open my mouth and talk when I felt like talking.

Thoughts

I’m sorry that I haven’t actually posted anything, or even been on WordPress at all, since some days ago. Maybe you might not realise it, but I do and I feel a bit guilty since I said that I’d post regularly… But I swear, this time I wasn’t procrastinating! I was actually doing homework, revising and being plagued by problems constantly.

It feels like my bad luck is striking me again. That day I made that post (‘A Thought:…’ Was it?) I was experiencing my bad luck’s evil works. The darn buses were failing me. When I was coming out of school that day, I just missed this bus and when I checked the bus times, it said the next one was in 10 or 20 minutes and there was no way on earth I was waiting that long in the cold. So I waited for another bus at another bus stop that was coming fairly soon… but it was full and the bus driver closed the door on this old lady when she was trying to go in. How sad… Buses are just cruel.

In addition to that, I’ve lost a number of things:

  • Four pens
  • One pen lid
  • My 30cm ruler that folds in half (I loved that ruler)
  • My oyster card (Just when I about to get on the bus)
  • My prefect badge (Spent a whole lunch time looking for it on the street and was almost late back to school)
  • My P.E. kit and other stuff.

Now, I found most of these things though they caused me trouble to find. My prefect badge was the worst because I realised it was missing after I had my P.E. lesson at the leisure center so I panicked. It could’ve been anywhere! My friend Cinnamon helped me look for it though which was nice of her (Grace wouldn’t have done that for me *puffs out cheeks*) What made it worse was that as we were walking back, we realised we were walking a different way from before so the badge could’ve been on the other side of the road but we could cross to check because we only had 5 minutes to get back to school and at that point we already needed 10! We got back on time, though (a cover teacher took the register)

I found it in the end… in my SCHOOL BAG.

But enough about losing things. I’m more worried about other things. Like friends for example. I know that I should be 100000000 times grateful for my friends, but I can’t help but feel lonely, like I don’t fit in. I want to become part of their ‘official’ friendship group, but I don’t know them that well, and they don’t know me. It’ll be kind of hard. I sometimes feel jealous of Grace, how she has that perfect friendship group that I used to have… with her and my friend who refuses to step into school at all. I’m a lone wolf now and although I don’t like it, I’ll have to live with it. I’ve got my life so I have to live it and leave pain behind because it’ll only hinder me…

…that’s why I spoke to Grace for the first time in a month on Thursday. I just said hi with this goofy smile on my face and she responded with that same goofy smile, as if nothing had happened, as if we were still friends. Of course it got awkward when we had nothing to speak about, so I said ‘see ya in English!’ and went to buy some juice for the lunch that I didn’t eat because I was looking for that bloody badge.

That moment kind of gave me hope. Hope that one day, we’d become friends again- best friends- and that our friendship would always last. But I read too much fiction. This is reality, and it’s a lot harder to predict what will happen in the future based on one moment. I knew that Grace had moved on, and I have too. We can’t get stuck in the past because I know how it’ll end up (and this actually contradicts what I said earlier but I know that nothing good can come out of that).

I decided that I didn’t want to be Grace’s best friend, but that I’d settle for just a friend or acquaintance because it’s better that way. I don’t want us to be enemies anymore. I don’t want it to be awkward between us anymore and I know that to move on, we can’t avoid each other so we have to get along in a way that doesn’t hold us back.

At first I was a little skeptical that my little plan/idea would work, because she never really came out and talked to me after that (I only talked to her once after that), but (and I know this sounds stupid) yesterday she asked me for my rubber casually. She actually turned around and addressed me and I was glad that finally the air has become less suffocating around us. Maybe we’ll start talking again. Maybe we won’t. But at least we’re slowly moving on.

One funny thing I just realised was that was how our friendship started in the first place. Not that she asked me for a rubber, rather I asked her for some scissors… and kept asking over and over because I was too lazy to buy my own. Funny way to start a friendship.

Apart from my problems with bad luck, feeling lonely and Grace (I miss calling her Backstabber, the name kind of grew on me. But I promised I’d stop after a month so…), I’m still dealing with my unstable emotions and my social anxiety.

I think my music teacher is starting to notice my strange behaviour: how I sometimes stare right at a teacher (her included), and sometimes I can’t hold someone’s gaze for very long and end up looking down after 2 seconds, and how I always seem to not to be able to see people when I’m walking out of school. Maybe I’m being a little paranoid (I am) but I think recently she’s been paying more attention to me, saying hi to me when I see her in the canteen or when I’m walking out of school looking at the opposite direction to were she was walking, pretending I never saw her in the first place. I think she knows that I’m shy. No, perhaps more than shy because I know a lot of shy people who seem outgoing compared to me.

I wonder why I do that. I wonder why I can’t hold people’s gazes and look away embarrassed and then feel like punching myself for looking away so obviously. I wonder why I always see people but pretend that I never saw them in the first place. I’m very observant, you know. Well, most of the time. And why do I hold people’s gaze for so long with a straight face? I do this to my french teacher almost all the time. Why on earth do I do that?!

But I guess my shyness isn’t so bad. I’m pushing myself to talk to people who sit next to me and I think it’s working because I feel more comfortable than I did before. This doesn’t mean that I have the confidence to actually hold a conversation (or their gaze for that matter) but I’m getting there!

I’m really worried about my speaking exams though. I was lucky during my spanish one, because even though my mind went blank, I had practised it so much that it just flew out of my mouth. I got an A* for that and I’m proud of myself. During my french, on the other hand, I was extremely nervous because I had to learn it during exam week in year 10, my french teach was pissed because I missed the time I was supposed to do the speaking (I just didn’t go), and being alone with my french teacher was nerve-wrecking in itself…  I managed to speak it with as much fluency as I could muster, but I spoiled it when I shouted ‘NO!’ when I mixed up a certain word. I realised it was a stupid thing to do because the word I said fit the sentence perfectly. I got an A. I almost cried because I was expecting my grade to drop seriously with the stupid ‘NO!’.

This year I’m more worried because I felt that my other speaking were just a stroke of luck and… I’m not having any luck at all (except bad luck). But for me it’s not so much the remembering part that I need to worry about. It’s my nerves. Before my spanish last year, I spent the time most people used to practise to calm myself down and breathe. It didn’t work; my heart raced and my mind went blank as my teacher said ‘GCSE’.

Just as I was lucky with my speaking, I was lucky with my music solo. But my music ensemble went terribly and I fear that the same will happen for my speaking exams this December. I already feel overloaded with revision and my piano exam and with my science prefect board that I feel like exploding. That might be why my mood has been acting up. One day I’m fine, the next day I’m fed up and then I’m just upset and then I’m happy. I’m not enjoying being a teenager.

The science prefect board, by the way, is a board for the science prefects to write about any subject in science or stick up posters and whatnot. The science teachers have told us to write stuff about the environment and I was not happy about that. I wanted to go into quantum physics! I wanted to do this cool poster called ‘How to Make an Atom!’ and write it like a recipe. Okay, it was a lot cooler in my head.

We decided to divide the board into chemistry, biology and physics and I was put in charge of chem. I wanted to do physics and write about radiation and go into detail and explain alpha, beta and gamma radiation and talk about the bosons that actually caused this but no… I was stuck with chemistry. But I like chemistry, I really do, but all I could think of that was about the environment was greenhouse gases and acid rain, and I really didn’t want to write about them.

But then I was struck with an idea. I could go into significant detail about global warming and explain how the structure of greenhouse gases caused the greenhouse effect. Bad idea… I found out that it was a bit complicated and I had to read a few other sources to gather the basic understandings. And then I thought, if it took me a while to understand it, how would a ks3 student or even a ks4 student or even the triple science class understand it? I already had the basic understandings of things like electronegativity and chemical polarity and I still don’t understand some of it!

But them I thought, some people don’t question things like I do, so if I explained it as simply as I could whilst still going into detail, no one would really care.

Who even looks at that board anyway? (Actually, it might be a lot of people because there like four clases that wait in the corridor with that board)

Honestly, it would’ve been easier if I did the atom thing. It’s easy to explain and easier to understand.

Enough about science though.

I started reading this book called ‘Hush Hush’ and it’s actually really good. I thought it wouldn’t be, because my sister has read it. I never trust anything my sister reads because I feel that our interests are different. To my surprise, they’re quite similar. I wasn’t quite sure that I’d like it, but I was desperate to read something because I had just finished ‘Slither’s Tale’ and I wondered how long it would be till I read the next book ‘Alice’. I can’t wait! But I was foolish to start a book series. I was planning to read something as I reserved and waited for the book ‘The Fault in Our Stars’. Which Cinnamon recommended. She also said that Hush Hush was really good so now I have faith in the book. I totally trust Cinn’s choice. She’s actually reading Les Misérables at the moment which like 1200 pages long (it’s massive) and she let me read a small passage that talked about consciousness and it was just so poetic and I loved it. I wanted to read the book, but it’s way too long. I don”t think I could carry that around with me. But today I watched the movie, which was actually a musical. It was a great story and I loved it despite the fact that my sister was talking and complaining all through it. I hate watching things with her…

I haven’t read a lot of it, so despite what any says, my favourite part of Hush Hush has to be the beginning, when Chauncey was like ‘I AM THE DUC DU LANGEAIS!!! But I do like the part with Patch and Nora.

Speaking about stories, I recently started this challenge called NANOWRIMO which I think stands for ‘National Novel Writing Month’. I was lucky to catch it earlier  on this month because you had to write a novel (50,000 words) in 30 days and submit it at least one minute before the 1st of December. I started it but never finished; I have my GSCE exams in December and I can’t afford to write. It hurts though, I love writing stories and I was determined to write this novel, but I don’t have the time so I’m going to have to leave it. Maybe next time. Hopefully they’ll be something that’s happening this summer. I’ll be starting afresh in August next year so I don’t have to worry about studying or revising. I can just focus on reading, writing, making songs, watching/reading anime/manga, sleeping, watching movies and possibly learning Japanese. I only know the basics and I really want to learn how to speak it at least, but I need to continue learning my verbs.

This post is really long so I’ll stop here. I also need to revise again because I didn’t do any yesterday because I was occupied with my ideas for the chem section. I’m soooooo tired. I could fall asleep right now…

Oh, one last thing! Cloud’s birthday is coming up and I don’t know what to get her! I considered asking her but I didn’t for two reasons:

  1. I think gifts should be more of a surprise
  2. She’d tell me ‘Anything is fine!’

So if you know what I could give to a sixteen year old girl, PLEASE tell me. I know it’s weird, but I don’t know what most girls like. I just want notebooks… seriously (I got three last Christmas 🙂 )

But, wow, Cloud is going to be 16. I swear in America you can drive at sixteen. I can’t imagine Cloud driving; that’d be too weird…

Okay, now I’m done.

~EpicCupcake signing out.