Always Read the Label

It’s been FOREVER but I’ve actually been quite busy in my life. It seems that I’m getting involved in a lot of things at college etc. and it’s weird because I’m not that kind of person. I’m lazy.

Just a little update if you’re curious about what I’ve been up to before I get to the point of the post:

I’ve finally decided that I’m going to take that leap of faith and try my luck with medicine. I feel now that this is the way I would like to spend the rest of my life (or at least career) helping people. But as you know, medicine is extremely tough to get into. As well as having ace grades, you must do a million work placements and volunteering and come across as a friendly, outgoing breath of fresh air during your interview.

As you probably already know, I am not the least bit outgoing and am extremely shy. Even so, I will not let that stand in my way. I’ve realised that dreams don’t come true just like that. They need work and effort. Sweat and tears. I believe that I can get there if I really try.

So I’ve got a new primary school volunteering placement which is a lot more helpful because not only is it literally a 20 minute walk from my house, but I get to help the kids one-on-one (you know, which reading and maths and stuff) which is useful. I also got offered an after school job where I’d actually get PAID. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but I excited to finally get some money! I’m now one step closer to independence. 🙂

I’ve also volunteered to help my college’s chaplain (or however you spell it) and I’ve been randomly chosen for this program where I have to help other classmates and basically be like a tutor. I think… I only got the letter not long ago so I’m not really sure what it’s about but if it gives me leadership skills and makes me less shy then what else matters?

Of course I’m still a long way away from my goal. I’m planing to do at least five voluteering or work experience placements before I send in applications or go to interviews, but, you know, I’m getting there. I just need to stay positive!

Positive!

Now back to the topic at hand.

The other night I caught this movie/project/one episode drama… I don’t know what to call it actually. It’s called Cyberbully and it’s this relatively short movie based in only one room with only a handful of characters.

The main character Casey finds a mean tweet about her on this guy’s twitter (I’m gonna assume he was her ex-boyfriend) and her friend Alex helps her hack his account and write something about him. Only Alex isn’t the one messaging her. It’s a mysterious individual who wants to get back at Casey because of what she did. And what did she do? Well you’ll have to watch to find out. But I’ll tell you this:

What I learned from the movie is that cyberbullying comes in different forms and while something may not seem that bad because you’re only doing it as a joke and because everyone does it so it’s the norm, it may hurt someone. I guess it’s different being on the other side of the bullying. While the bully may be doing it as a joke, the person being bullied may see it as something else. And we don’t even know they’re situation. They could have experienced a death, may be suffering from a serious illness, could be in an abusive relationship… And when the bullying piles on on top of all the pain and suffering, life just gets to hard to live and then…

I don’t have to finish that sentence.

Anyway, I’m not saying this cause I think you’re a bully. I don’t truly know you so I can’t judge. I’m only stating what I’ve learnt from the movie, or rather, I stating how my perspective has changed… if that makes sense. I’ve realised that the little things can mean a lot. I’m also trying to say that it’s a good movie, a little scary and upsetting, but good nonetheless.

Still, I wish I had read the description. If I had seen the word ‘thriller’ I wouldn’t have watched it at night by myself *shivers*. It’s not that scary; I’m just a scaredy-cat.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Sitting on the Sidelines

Sometimes (maybe a lot of the time) I feel lonely. No matter who I’m with or what I do, sometimes it just hits me. I’ve been wondering and thinking and wondering and thinking why I feel this why, and recently I can up with (I want to say theory but the correct word is) hypothesis.

Maybe I feel lonely and left out because I’m pushing people away from me, deliberately, yet subtly, distancing myself from people, sitting on the sidelines and never getting involved… anything for that matter! I did a post on Borderline Personality Disorder earlier and one of the symptoms I mentioned was an unstable self image that generally comes about from adapting one’s personality to match whoever they’re talking to. I always feel that I do that and it discourages me from getting close to people so they don’t know what I’m really like.

I don’t know. I just have some crazy idea in my head that I’m a bad person and I’ve got a bad personality and if I show people what I’m like, they’ll start to hate me (like Grace) so I’m just trying to be what people want me to be but I can’t even do that right either.

I guess my shyness also plays a large role. I’m pretty much terrified of people (though it’s not like I scream whenever I go outside, haha…). Normally when I’m shy or too terrified to speak I just glue my lips shut and try not to make eye contact. This also means that when I sit at my table in my form room in the morning, I can’t even talk to my friends because their friends from other forms are there and really it’s only three of them that come in the morning but I still can’t open my mouth. I don’t know what to say. I never know what to say.

And there’s problem number 3- I don’t know how to talk. Before you say anything, yes I can indeed talk and I speak English quite well with the correct grammar etc. blah blah. But when I mean I can talk, I mean I can’t form a conversation. Firstly, what do you say first? Do you go up to someone and start randomly blabbing on about something? My likes and other people’s likes are very different. Others prefer to go out on a weekend. I can’t be bother to get off my backside. People are into movies and go to the cinema often, I don’t care that much about movies as long as anime and E4 exist. I don’t read the same book as others and I’m just so out of tune and I’ve probably said this (maybe not up to) a million times but I only say it a lot because it’s true! It’s so true and it gets on my nerves. And it’s not like I have time to research what people like and make lifts and diagrams and whatnot because I’ve got exams! Plus that’s a pretty weird thing to do, but probably effective…

I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. I just felt like moaning. I used to hate that word- ‘moan’. That’s what people used to say to me in primary school if I got annoyed or upset or started crying. Kids sure are cruel… That’s probably why I refrain from saying how I really feel or being who I really am. No, that’s exactly why. Why would anyone be themselves if people were just going to hate them in the end? That’s what I was thinking. But I’m sick of not being me. I’m just desperately searching for the person who’ll accept me for who I am and not get annoyed with my behaviour and fluctuating mood and my clingy-ness and whatever crap I like to pull on people.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Say What You Feel Like Saying

I’m going to take advantage of this little free time I have a write something:

I’m a very held-back person- the exact opposite to my friend Grace who literally say anything that comes across her mind. I, on the other hand, think of something to say but never say it. And it’s sad really, because I try so hard to think of something worthwhile to say, but end up coming up with random rubbish.

I just wish I could open my mouth and just say what’s on my mind. But, then again, there’s the problem of people hating me or talking about me behind my back and who can forget the major problem- who would listen? I’m practically (sometimes, I believe I’m literally) invisible!

Y’know back in primary school, Grace and I (though we didn’t know each other at the time) were opposites. Grace was quiet and unsociable and I was loud and energetic. Still, being loud and energetic and being able to say exactly what’s on my mind did no good for me. My primary school ‘classmates’ gave me varies labels: ‘annoying’, ‘moody’, ‘cry-baby’ (I cried a lot) etc. and I think that’s why I’m the way I am now. I’m always, dare I say, ‘scared’ of being disproved of and my primary goal is to get people to like me. That’s probably why I turned into this weird, unsociable, shy, held-back girl who tries her best to please people and doesn’t let them know how she’s feeling or give them the chance to talk about me behind my back. That didn’t work; I got labeled as rude because I hardly talked. In fact, back in year eight, this girl who was in my art class (and a lot of my other classes) once commanded me to speak. I was embarrassed by that but I hid that by giving her an odd look and saying ‘Um… hi?’.

Recently, I’ve been trying to convince myself that none of it matters and I think it’s working, but very, very, sloooooooowly. But it doesn’t matter, I’m finally coping with school and I don’t feel as crazy as I normally do. I still need to work on the eye contact thing though. I try to make eye contact but then look like I’m staring right into someone’s soul and then avoid it all together. Yep… gotta sort that out…

I still wonder what life will be like when I reach college. I’ll still be the same at home- as childish as ever- but I’m worried about making friends and that sort of stuff. I had a taster day at the college that’s linked to my school and the boy’s school across the road. In the taster physics lesson I had, the class was literally a sea of boys with three other girls from my school and I had a major coughing fit because I was so nervous. I was scarred for life. I guess it wasn’t all that bad; it was almost like the boys weren’t there because when the teacher asked questions, only us girls answered. Eventually the teacher got some of the guys to answer, but he didn’t get much out of them… This is what the class looked like:

Image

 

I was in the front row filled with only boys. Oh the horror. It’s not like I can’t talk to them, no I’ve had much practice talk to a handful of Grace’s friends (she’s a guy magnet, seriously). I guess it’s just when there are a large group of them. I just pray that there will be more girls in my physics class next year and I hope everyone will be as enthusiastic as me (I’m a totally science nerd 🙂 )

I’ve totally gone off topic…

Well anyway…

Mary Hooper’s books are pretty good. Especially ‘Newes from the Dead’

Yeah…

~EpicCupcake signing out.