Pansexual 1

Why didn't I come up with that?

Why didn’t I come up with that?

During exam week, I was hanging out with Phoenix and other people for a quick ‘revision session’ and somehow the conversation switched to sexuality. When someone asked her what pansexuality was, I told them that it’s when you are sexuality attracted to cookware.

In my mind, that was a good one but I have to say, this would’ve been even better. In my opinion anyway…

Aaah, haven’t posted in ages! Enjoy! ;3 and… TO BE CONTINUED!

…Probably.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Apparently the Man in Asda was Right

Pfft, y-yeah r-r-right! He wishes! *rolls eyes and sashays away all over the top and totally unconvincing*

So I’ve been reading a lot of comics lately, which all just so happen to be lgbt related, and I sometimes come across gender queer characters so naturally it got me thinking, ‘What’s my gender?’. Of course I’ve doubted my gender before as I did with my sexuality wondering if I’m really male inside or female or whatever. So i’ve done a couple of gender tests (because I just love online tests- ever tried a psychopath test?) my favourite being the BBC brain sex test. I’ve done it two or three times now  and on a scale of, let’s say, -50 (female) and +50 (male), I got about -20  to -10. Now I know one test or even a bunch of online tests can’t really tell you what your gender is, but it’s not always too far away.

When I was younger I used to try my best to be more girly. Like other girls I’d experiment with my hair and with makeup (even though I was lazy back then). I love skirts and dresses and prayed to God every night that my boobs would grow to at least a D (my prayers weren’t answered :/ ) I distinctly remember one day being mistaken for a boy. I wore this massive coat at the time with my hood right up and I was shopping in Asda with my mum. She dropped her keys or something and I went to pick it up. This old guy turned to me and said I was  a good boy, helping my mum like that. I wanted to strangle him just stood there like an idiot while my mum laughed her head off and explained to him politely that I did not have an appendage between my legs.

Even though I sure as hell didn’t want to be a boy, I always thought it would be cool to have a dick. I pretty sure I went into detail about this in a previous post so I’m not going to elaborate (I know you’re just gonna type ‘dicks’ in the search bar anyway…) and while I liked to do my barbie dolls hair, I also like playing with boys toys and was relieved that my parents got me a cool blue and yellow bike instead of the pink one my sister had (Though she had these nice streamer like ribbon thingies spewing out of her handle bars and I was pretty jealous of that.)

As  I grew older I lost the will to be girly and gave up with the whole makeup thing, like I’ve probably mentioned before. And it’s not only that I gave up but I know since I started college, I have wanted to dress more masculine and I would wear baggy hoodies so my boobs wouldn’t stand out. I’d wall like a guy and sit like a guy and I liked the thought of someone mistaking me as a guy. Heck ,I’ve even accepted my man voice and have honed in on my skills and now I sing Japanese songs (and this one Indonesian song) like a guy and I actually like the way I sound. I’m even doing exercise everyday so I can get a six-pack even though I claimed to have hated these on guys.

But this doesn’t mean I’ve stopped acting like a ‘girl’, mind you. I sometimes feel the urge to wear pretty short skirts and colourful tops and look cute and stuff. I still don’t wear makeup, and don’t plan to either, but I’ve definitely been taking more care of my hair rather than walking out of my house looking like I’d just crawled out of a dustbin. Oh, and I also painted my nails… twice… and before then I hadn’t touched my nails in years (I’d file them but that’s cause they feel nice and smooth afterwards)

So as you can see I sometimes feel I have issues with gender identity, but if I had to go with one gender, I’d definitely choose female because, to be honest, despite everything that’s how I truly feel. Maybe that’s just based with the fact that to me, certain behavours don’t belong exclusively to one gender. Or, it could always be based on the fact that I sure as hell do not want to be called ‘sir’ or ‘Mr Butterson’ or anything like that.

So yeah, cis-female. That might change in the future because usually when I say I’m not something, I end up being just that. Irony. Stupid irony.

You know, my sexuality has always been a little old which is why it took me essentially 4-5 years to figure it out. Even know it’s still a little weird to me. Sometimes I show little to no interest in girls and then suddenly I’m like ‘Wow, girls are wonderful! Why do guys exist again?’. And when it comes to guys I’m only attracted to a select few, thinks some of the others are alright and then I’m scared of the rest. Not that there’s anything wrong with guys, just that I can’t handle a swarm of them (luckily I hardly have to worry about that *cries*). Deciding on bi, or pan if you want to be accurate, works for me because I know I’m somewhere in that middle zone of sexuality. When it comes to gender I’m not picky not because I’m open to stuff, but because I honestly can’t see why you wouldn’t date someone based on gender or sex alone. Well, that’s just the opinion of this piece of cookware.

But back to gender…

I did this genderqueer test today, expecting to get either cis-female or maybe slightly genderqueer, but no…

I got cis-male…

CIS-MALE

cis-male

(Yes, I have a windows phone)

I’m STILL laughing. Apparently the man in Asda was right. I’VE BEEN DECEIVED!

And I don’t like chick flicks either :/

Yeah, so, lesson of the day- your gender is what you say it is! Despite how you act or whatever. Don’t always trust these online tests, especially those which tell you that your biological sex is not what you thought it was. Lesson well learnt… Still gonna keep doing these tests though 😉

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Back From The Dead

Okay, so three days after I made the last post, I was on my computer, still a little morose, when all of a sudden it started shutting down. It didn’t mean anything to me because that sort of thing happens sometimes. Especially if I haven’t shutdown in a long time. After it finished installing the updates and shutting down, I turned it on but instead of loading windows, all I got was this:

When my laptop died

That’s right, I got the

BLACK SCREEN OF DEEEEEAAAATTTHHHSDFVDCVDV!!!

And at that point, my heart went from being broken to being shattered.

But now it’s back from the dead again after getting it wiped clean of the virus that took over. I still had some of my stuff but some programs were deleted and my settings depersonalised so I spend some time setting the background to anime pictures, my screen saver to anime pictures, installing Office, installing antivirus etc.. At around six my computer wanted to install some updates. I was a little scared but figured it was going to do it at some point so I went ahead and shut it down.

And guess what it said

Installing 1 of 196 updates.

I had to leave it overnight but I stupidly closed my laptop so when I went to bed so it made no progress…

But at least it was working and I got some programs back 🙂 And no more malfunctioning!! 😀

I’ve been pretty busy since then since my exams are just around the corner but now I’m taking a two hour break so I am able to make a post.

 

Anyway, not much has happened since the last post except for one big thing.

It was a spur of the moment thing and pretty painful but I did it nonetheless.

When my mum came home, she heard me talking to my friend Cloud. I was telling Cloud what happened cause I knew I had to talk to someone about it before I continued my half-sobbing-half-singing. When I came down to greet my mum (cause my parents hate it when you don’t) she saw my face and demanded to know what happened. So I told her that the person I liked had a girlfriend and she went on to say how I shouldn’t get involved with boys, how they only want one thing yada yada yada. You know- the usual. I tried telling her it was different but she said all boys were like that. She asked if I was going out with ‘him’ and I said no and she was like, ‘Then why are you crying? It’s not like he broke up with you.’

As the conversation dragged out, I felt that I should just tell her the truth. I can’t remember my reason for doing so, but I hate keeping secrets so I told her that the person I liked went to my high school to indicate that it was, indeed, a girl (Went to an all girl’s high school). My mum then thought that I meant that a friend from my high school introduced me to the guy I liked. I kept giving her more clues, making it more obvious each time but my mum either just didn’t understand or wouldn’t believe what she was hearing. Then I tried a different approach.

I told her that my friend Phoenix got a girl friend. Her exact words were: “That’s terrible!” Exact words… That made it even harder to get the next words out. While she was thinking I was upset that Phoenix was bi, I finally told her that I liked Phoenix and the shock on my mum’s face made me want to run away. And I did run away upstairs and after a while I came back and we continued our conversation.

My mum said the things I expected her to:

 

“So you’re a lesbian.”

“Do you think that’s what God wants?”

“So you’re sexually attracted to women?”

“Do you know how women have sex?”

“Does that mean when you’re married to a man, you will be dating a woman at the same time?” (She asked that when I said I was bi (???))

“I just can’t believe it…”

 

I was standing some distance away from her, my face burning the way it was about a year when I told Ann. I did laugh at some point when she said stupid stereotypes and when she talked about sex I was like: “Whoa, please don’t go into that subject, mum…”

But the weird thing was that after we finished the conversation, feeling a little embarrassed and vulnerable, I brought up another subject, something I had to ask her (I won’t go through the details) and we started talking about that and we were talking like normal. Even after that day, we were talking like normal- her complaining at me and me trying not to lose my temper, or us talking and laughing and making jokes. I did ask her, that same day, if she hates me because I’m bi. She said that it was my decision and she can’t hate me because of it. One time when I was telling her about a friend at college, and how we went to the same high school but we’re becoming closer now, she joked and said, “So now you’ve moved on from Phoenix and have a new lover?” Actually I’m not sure if she was joking because she said “You never know when it comes to you, Peanut.”, but she I knew she was purposely making fun of me as per usual so I guess everything’s good. Also she hasn’t told anyone which I appreciate because normally she opens her mouth at the first opportunity she gets.

Yep… that’s my mum for you.

 

I don’t know if I’ll ever tell my dad, because my dad is the understanding one (most of the time, anyway) and if he gets angry or disappointed, I wouldn’t know what to do. I’d probably regret it. As for my sister… that would be super awkward.

Oh well, I think about it later. For now, it’s time to watch anime. (I know what you’re thinking, but I am NOT obsessed with anime.)

Maybe my next post will feature Phoenix. Maybe not. Oh! And it my feature my new hobby- programming!

 

~EpicCupcake signing out.