Because school has started

If you have mathematical anxiety, or just hate the subject, I’m sorry about this video. However, do not blame me- blame school. School made me do it.

Dear Diary: First Day of School

Haha, oh Spongebob… *sighs*

School has officially commenced!

Surprisingly enough, my first day of school went great! Grace was back and so were my other friends so I wasn’t alone most of the time. I still have the same subjects so it’s obvious that I’d be in most of the same classes but I’ve still moved a few and have new teachers… Haven’t met any of them yet… That’ll be tomorrow.

It was mostly a normal day apart from the fact that I came in at 7:30 for reasons I can’t be bothered to explain because I’ve already got homework, my teachers keep going on and on about revision and I’m quite tired. Anyway- back to the topic- I was surprised at my mood today at school. Normally, at least during one point of the day, I’ll be upset or angry in some way. Always… almost always… But today I was just happy overall so it looks like I may be able to achieve my goals that I set a few posts ago.

Still, I’m not talking that much in school and I’m still the quiet girl in the corner of the room, unless I’m with Grace, that is. It’s funny how friends bring out a different side of you. I was mostly silent in my maths class, only daring twice to ask the person next to me how to do a certain question. I stupidly came late and there were hardly any seats left so I had to sit with people that I find it really really really difficult to talk to. I’m pretty sure there were many chances I could join in with the conversation but I was too scared to. I guess social anxiety is a lot harder to beat even if you’re all positive and happy…

Still, that didn’t ruin my mood. I got to sit in the special year 11 canteen today and although it’s really cramped (no different than the other canteen) it was a nicer, more pleasant experience because seriously, if I hear ‘happy birthday to you’ one more time, I swear- I WILL explode. (figuratively, of course 😉 )

And as for my default pissed off face, I think it’ll be a while before I’ll see it again.

I wonder what actually caused my general good mood? Was it the fact that I’ve been taking really good care of my skin lately? Was it because I did my hair? Was it because I’ve been drinking water every chance I get? Was it because I planted good thoughts in my mind. Was it because I viewed everything uncomfortable that happened as a chance for a challenge? Or was it because I did some yoga the day before? (Yeah, I did yoga. In my cramped room, of course; I was too nervous to let anyone else see) Maybe it’s a combination. If it was a combination, then let me give you some advice:

  1. Be determined to change.
  2. Take care of yourself (health, body and fitness)
  3. View everything as a challenge (believe me, that stopped me from crying)
  4. Plant good thoughts in your head.

On my phone (I have a crappy blackberry) this is the message I have on my locked screen

You are kind, fun and very important. Don’t forget that 😉

Smile and think positively

And in the background, it has this:

‘couldn’t you earn money doing this?’

Okay, showing you that wasn’t necessary.

In conclusion! I believe that I will not be catching ‘school fever’ anytime soon. Maybe when mock exams begin (month’s time)

well, until next time!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

 

Social Anxiety: It’s coming… IT’S COMING!!!

It’s coming everyone. Yes, that dreaded 4th of September (though it may be different for others…) And what is happening that day you ask? I’ll tell you what’s happening- I’m going back to learning prison *ahem* I mean SCHOOL!!!

It’s really strange though. During my last days of summer holiday, I always feel bored and am always itching to get back to school to see my friends, but now it’s different.

Fine, yes, it’s partly to do with my unwillingness to wake up early and put on my uniform and walk to the bus stop and… get the bus and… learn, but recently I just remembered something that the many days of relaxing in isolation has made me forget- there are people in school.

Okay… that sounded weird. What I mean is, people are scary. How can I stand stepping out into the blinding morning sunlight and pretending to walk confidently past strangers and sit on the bus while stressing. How will I be able to walk into my form room. Heck, I can’t do that anyway; I have to avert my eyes as I step in and silently sink into my seat so that nobody will notice. And then for the rest of the year, I’ll be trying to hide my existence and then wonder why I’m so invisible and then try to stand out and then get scared and then… and then…

I don’t even know what I’m staying now…

The thing is, I’m scared. I’m scared of being… alone… For starters, I don’t even like stepping out of my house… alone… I don’t like entering my form room alone. I don’t know what I’ll do in my lessons when I’m not with Grace. (Thankfully, she’s in most of my classes) What if I have to work in groups? GROUPS?! I hate that word. When the teacher says it, everyone gathers with their friends and who do I go with? NO ONE. Until I’m forced to join a group who don’t even acknowledge me…

And what about break and lunch? I’m too shy to go up to anyone to talk to them. If Grace isn’t with me for lunch, how the heck am I supposed to find anyone to eat lunch with.

oh wait. I just remembered.

The year 11s in my school have their own separate canteen. It’s much smaller so maybe if I’m lucky I can just fit into the corner and hide or something…

And there I go again, trying to hide my existence.

*sigh*

Sorry… This post seems a little muddled, but I’m really anxious now, my fingers are trembling slightly and I’m just typing whatever comes to my mind at the moment…

But seriously, if I’m scared now, what about when school starts? How will I cope? During the last few months of school, I had something which I call ‘School Fever’ (Wasn’t really a fever but… you know… yeah). Some of the symptoms were headaches every hour of everyday, random stomach aches, the strange temptation of wanting to run away or get run over by a car (believe it or not) and fantasising about what it must be like to stay in hospital after the accident (I actually really thought about this and… well… I was a little reckless when crossing roads though I’ve still got a strong sense of safety so I don’t think it would’ve happened.) Also, I had negative thoughts a lot, especially in the morning, and that’s what would lead to the temptation of running away or going to hospital. Sometimes I would come into school and would refuse to talk… or more like I couldn’t talk. I’d just make gestures or say a few words but if anyone wanted a longer answer from me, I’d just stare… I got frustrated about not being able to tell anyone, but eventually I opened up to Grace and she seemed a bit worried. We laughed about it, of course, that’s what we do, though it was a kind of awkward laugh.

Of course that phase is over, it ended a week or two before the holidays started (the headache continued to the end of the term). It still hasn’t returned even though school is about to start (the headache) so I’m not feeling that worried, but nevertheless, I’m still panicking. I even cried about it yesterday (or was it the day before?) and talked to my sister about it… She wasn’t much help.

Still. I’m DETERMINED to be different. I WILL be able to keep my eyes of the ground when I walk and I WILL be able to talk more to people, and I WILL not make my default pissed of face, and I WILL read some yaoi manga, and I WILL work in groups happily and make an effort and interact with the people in my group, and I WILL make my A* targets!!

I WILL SHOW EVERYONE WHAT A COOL AND FUN PERSON I AM!!

Cool and fun? That’s not modest at all…

Well… all that’s left is to wait till school starts…

I actually can’t wait…

Hey! Fun fact: I was making my default pissed off face during the whole of this post! 😀

Yeah…

Time to watch anime.

NHK NI YOUKOSO!

OSU!

~EpicCupcake signing out.