Results’ Day/Exam Pressure and Revision

Yesterday in school, there was a little practice- a ‘dress rehearsal’ was what the teachers called it- of what would happen about seven months from now. Yes… result’s day. After those grueling two weeks of torture known as exams, and a Christmas holiday that was more of a I’m-so-nervous-I’m-gonna-wet my-pants holiday, we finally got our results for our mock exams. I have to say, I was pleased with what I got. All As and A*s except for one grade… English. English language. The exam I thought I pretty much aced it. I didn’t even get a B for it. My grade dropped straight down to a C, which is still good, but it’s three grades below my target grade and, most importantly, my English teacher’s going to give me a hard time about it. Still, it doesn’t bother me that much.

There were an assortment of grades with a mixture of tears of relief and tears or disappointment yesterday and today. People were eagerly asking each other what they got and showing off their amazing grades. Others were in tears, talking to teachers. Like an good teacher, they encouraged then not to give up and to change those grades by the time summer comes. One of my friends told me today that she hated it when people who were smarter than her said their grades and asked what she got. I agreed with her- it’s not fair at all. It’s embarrassing. Which was why I pretty much stayed quiet about my grade only speaking of my English Language grade and only really asking the people in my English class what they got for that. And, like the ‘ever so modest person I am’ when other asked me about my grades, I said them, smiled and kind of looked down. and whispered a thank you when they congratulated me. It’s like I’m torn between being modest and not seeming stuck up. It’s kind of complicated, I can’t really explain it.

I’m sure the buzz about exams won’t die down any soon. Though now that we’ve got our mock results GCSE results’ day style, the tension is building and the pressure is even more suffocating. I’m glad that for a lot of my subject, there’s no coursework, and for the coursework I do have, it’s controlled conditions so I don’t need to work on it at home and in my free time. Nevertheless, there’s still a lot I need to do. I need to start thinking about resits for my music since I’ve got a string of Bs hanging round my neck and it’s only my final exam that can push it to an A. I would redo them, if I wasn’t nervous as hell… and if I hadn’t lost the pieces… That wasn’t very wise of me…

And then there’s English to worry about. I have no idea how I got the grade I did. I tried to pin it on my writing, but I got an A in Literature so I’m not quite sure. It’s horrible to not be good at English Language, because there isn’t really a clear way to up your score. If it’s something like science of maths, you can do quick questions or just look up… I don’t know… limestone on BBC Bitesize.

At the moment, I’m really thinking of strategies to help me revise, but I never look at notes and I get board of cue cards. I tried to make a game on Stencyl, a PowerPoint Presentation, a board game, but nothing seems to fit me. Only test papers seem to work and there are a limited number of test papers out there. There will come a time when the pressure will be too much and I have virtually no time left and I’ll probably crack from the pressure. I suddenly wish I was back in year 10 so I can take my revision more seriously. Every year, the teachers say ‘Start your revision now! From the beginning!’. Every year, everyone ignores them. Every year, they regret it. If I could go back in time, I’d start making my notes. Of course, I can’t go back, and I wouldn’t anyway; I’ve already done so much. To make notes now for everything would take forever though so I’ll stick to my normal revision method: books and the internet.

Wish me luck for… about 4 months?

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Feeling Like A Boss

You’ve got to admit, this is pretty funny.

Hey! What’s up?

One thing I always wonder is if people notice my spelling and grammar errors. I realised that on my last post, I missed out the word ‘the’ and it was so cringy… I’m just like that.

Just in case you’re wondering, things are going well in the school department. I successfully finished planning my french oral and I suspect my french teacher got a migraine from reading my google-translated work. Yes, I’m guilty for google-translating, but hey, who seriously has the time to pick out words and writing out. I already did that for my spanish so I just popped that into translator and out came my french! And, yes, I am aware that google translator isn’t very good at french grammar or even english grammar for that matter, so I analysed the text, fixed the minor errors and voila! Now I’m focusing on learning my spanish which is actually going well. I learnt two paragraphs yesterday so I have three more to learn by december. Piece of cake.

In other news, my school is having an inspection next week so the science teachers have requested that we prepare the science prefect board by the end of the week. Finally, after lots of planning and putting things off and forgeting things, Phoenix and I, as well as my other fellow prefects, got 2/3 of it done and dusted. My chemistry section fitted well and looked nice, but I wanted to add some more pictures to fill in some of the gaps. Phoenix was in charge of physics and did a nice display on meteors. I originally wanted to do physics and felt a little jealous when the others push chemistry onto me, but I like chemistry and it covers a lot of the topics I particularly like. Plus, I would’ve never thought of meteors or astronomy if I was doing physics and since we don’t learn so much about space, I figured it would be best to leave it to Phoenix. Her display looks awesome. All that’s left now is biology.

You know, now that I hang out with Cinnamon and Phoenix, I forget what hanging out with Grace used to be like. I can’t remember what we talked about. Probably random things that no one else would talk about. I’m not into talking about girl stuff and tried my best to seem enthusiastic when she talked about boys and stuff. She yawned whenever I talked about science. We’re like almost total opposites and I bet some people wonder how we even became friends in the first place. Well, now I think Grace is hanging out with people more like her. But they’re so bloody annoying when they’re together whenever we’re in the computer room for a language lesson. They all sit there watching ‘Vampire Diaries’ or whatever laughing like bloody hyenas. It’s really hard not to turn around a yell “SHUT UP, FOR GOODNESS SAKE AND DO YOUR BLOODY WORK!!!” That wouldn’t even work though. That’d make them laugh more.

But, you know, Grace and I are getting along well and even though we aren’t stuck together like glue, when we are together, it’s almost just like the old times. Now english lessons aren’t so awkward. Perhaps a bit pleasant. But we won’t be friends again. Not now, at least. I don’t need stress during my GCSEs. And speaking of GCSEs…

Today, after school, my school’s STEM club was on and I was already up in science putting up the display so I decided to join Phoenix and another girl from my form, who both help run STEM as science and technology prefects and ex-STEM club members. As a science prefect and an ex-STEM member, I thought I ought to have attended at least once. Normally I was busy on Wednesdays. My timing was great too because our ex-STEM prefect came alone to talk to the year nines about GCSE and A level. I felt really mature sitting alongside my fellow year elevens answering questions alongside our ex-STEM prefect and explaining our experiences with GCSE, colleges and A-levels. It was actually quite fun, though I got home really late. My parents picked me up at some point during my journey so at least I didn’t have to walk home in the rain.

I still can’t believe it practically snowed today…

Glimpse of Christmas, perhaps?

This is supposed to be a short post so I’ll stop here.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

I Don’t Want To Grow Up!


I am so sorry that I haven’t actually made a written post like this in a while. It’s the same excuse- homework, revision, procrastination… But to be honest, I sort of lost it yesterday.

Finally part of the full stress of GCSE has hit me and my mock exams are in two weeks, starting with my spanish orals. How lucky am I? Yesterday I blew off work completely, after my calculator starting acting up, and went all out relaxing… until reality came rushing back after my shockwave flash crashed 2nd time in a row while I was playing poptropica. And before you say anything, I am not too old to play poptropica! Just as I’m not too old to watch Spongebob Squarepants (though I haven’t watched it these last few months…). And besides, poptropica has these new sound effects and a new island called Virus Hunter or something so I was basically revising biology.

I was worried when it crashed for the second because I was pretty annoyed, and I knew how pissed off I could get if I lose repeatedly in poptropica, so I decided to close it down, get some books and start my revision again. But, of course, I distracted myself with something I like to call ‘manga surfing’ which doesn’t involve using a manga as a surf board (I just kidding you; you knew that already 😉 ), but actually involves looking up manga and I found this one about cooking and-

Let’s stay on the topic.

So anyways, I was manga surfing and watching TV so it took me even longer to work than it normally does and I was hardly paying attention to my work and just felt like slacking off again.

But then the TV spoke to me.

I was watching Popgirl because there was nothing good on and ‘Life With Derek’ came on. In the episode it looked like some super important exam was coming up and Casey (or however you spell her name) was doing full on non-stop revision and Derek was procrastinating. (Sounds familiar…) Then Derek had a vision or a premonition of what his life would be like if he did badly on the exams.I didn’t actually get it, but I could tell it was bad.

So then I panicked a little and when I panic, I procrastinate and I continued to read manga whilst pretending to do a maths paper.

That night, I stayed up till about 1 or 2 am reading ‘Crescendo’, the second book of ‘Hush Hush’ to avoid sleeping, waking up and going to school, and when I finally put the book, I started obsessing over a question in the maths paper. It was probably easy and I already put an answer, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. This morning I woke up (late) and not long after 20 minutes or so, I burst into tears. Thinking of exams, revision, homework and time  management- it was all too much!

My mum heard me crying and talked to me and she helped me make some changes to manage my time better and keep focused on my work. One of those changes was to go to the library after school which I didn’t do because I hadn’t told anyone and I didn’t bring my normal revision stuff. My dad made my mood worse though, and when he heard about what I was crying about, he blamed it all on me saying that I have time for manga “and other rubbish” but not for my studies and I went to school feeling as I normally did on Monday mornings- angry… pathetic…

But then after crying a bit more and getting advice from people at school, I ended up coming home with a half grin on my face (not full. I’d never grin in public on my own) whilst thinking about my brother and his kicking. He opens door now, by the way, so I have to be always on guard. But, long story short, I cool with my dad now, I’ve de-cluttered my room and, in the process, part of my brain so I think I’m ready to start serious revision! But maybe I’ll also clean my locker- that’s a whole other story…

*Sigh…* Sometimes I wish I’ll stay a kid forever or at least be whisked away to some fictional land, where they don’t have GCSEs, on a magical adventure filled with hard-core action with swords and everything and a beautiful romance with a happily ever after.

I need to get my head out of the clouds.

As for my challenge, I think I’ve earned a good 7 points already. 5 for getting off my lazy bottom to buy a present for Cloud’s birthday (In case you’re wondering, I got her a necklace). It was the first time I’d ever gone out to a shopping center by myself on weekday and boy was it nerve-wrecking! I splashed on some subtle make to camouflage myself- I had to ‘blend in’, and quickly went around the shops in search of a gift. Let me tell you, going shopping on your own isn’t fun, especially when you get cornered by random people from Green Peace or guys trying to sell their album and make their name in the world. I was forced to talk to that guy for a good few minutes before I could escape.

The other two points were for greeting people in my church choir (which I recently joined) even though I felt like punching myself instead. They’re nice people who don’t laugh at me when I drop all my little sheet on the floor every week, but it’s just hard not to be nervous, especially when you’re me…

That’s going to be my main challenge of the week- greeting people. I’ll make a little counter thingy to take note of my points. That’s 7 so far! Not much, but a good start!

I’ll finish this post here, but maybe next time I’ll talk about my friend Phoenix because I find her really interesting. Or maybe I talk about something completely different. Well, you’ll just have to find out next time.

Again, sorry for the late post. Don’t be surprised if I don’t write a post again till the weekend, but I’ll try to post something before then. If I don’t… then I’ll give you a muffin. Is chocolate okay? 😉 Till next time.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Just Another Manic Monday

I wish it were Sunday… or perhaps Saturday.

Chapter 16 of Hush Hush! I can’t wait to finish the book!!!

So… about today…

I woke up at six, as usual, and fell asleep again until 6:40, as usual. Normally a late morning + a Monday morning + consequently missing an episode of Adventure Time = Bad Mood so I started the day with some negative thoughts and was rude to my mum. Brilliant.

At school I came in feeling horrible, as usual on a Monday morning- probably the early stages of cyclothymia- but then I realised that my piano lesson ran through assembly and I cheered up a bit; I hate assemblies and I don’t see the point. Instead, we should send announcements by email or Fronter or something. So I left for my piano lesson 15 minutes early to avoid having to weave out of loads of chairs with my school bag and, what I call, my ‘piano bag’.

Playing the piano always cheers me up, especially when I become able to play parts that I had trouble to play before. I still have a lot of polishing to do, but I’m getting there.

After that I had french and tried my best to finish my maths homework while my french teacher went on and on and on and… But then my maths teacher never asked for the homework and I was like ‘All that effort for nothing…’

But something weird happened. While I was sitting down watching everyone working and not doing anything, because I had already finished what I was supposed to do (for once) and no one seemed to know what to do next, I heard my maths teacher having a go at some girls in the hallway. I wasn’t that interested, I was busy wondering if I’d have enough time to finish my homework before she came back, but I was when she called the girls in and made them stay in her class (my maths teacher deals with the trouble makers just as my chemistry teacher does). She sat one of the girls at the front and the other beside me.

And that girl was Grace.

I mentioned earlier that I spoke to Grace on Thursday for the first time in a month. Although I doubted it, I still had a little hope that even without returning to our original relationship status, that we’d at least talk. It seemed like luck is on my side this time because we did in fact talk during maths, we didn’t say much. I’m not sure whether it was because it was still a little awkward or because we were all having a debate with my maths teacher as to whether the graph was transformed by y=5f(x) or y=f(5x). But we still talked and she told me about what happened (She didn’t do any work in class) and at some point we even laughed. The atmosphere lost its tenseness and I could finally breathe properly around her. I seems that things might actually got right in my life . For once in my life…

I don’t want to dwell on this, otherwise I’ll be jinxed. Not that I believe in jinxes  but sometimes things a way to coincidental.

You know, now that I think about it, I have a lot of weird beliefs even though I consider myself a scientist. I sometimes believe:

  1. that people can read my mind if I’m thinking of a good story plot or other things that I would rather not say aloud.
  2. that I have some special power. (Once I almost fooled myself I could see atoms…)
  3. that someone will try and… shoot me… on my way home from school. God forbid.
  4. that someone is stalking me.
  5. that someone will just leap out of the bushes on my way home and attack me (I blame my dad for saying it as a joke one day).
  6. that the negative things I write on my blog will come true.
  7. that I am a black belt in ‘public transport-ing’ (don’t even ask…)
  8. that my brother isn’t who I think he is.
  9. that if I sit in the park reading a Darren Shan book, my live would transform into some romantic comedy. (I know it’s sad, but I’ve fantasized about it… on more than one occasion… But I guess that what happens when you are a writer. I even came up with a story plot!)
  10. that walking under a ladder or something of that kind will have some effect on me.

I don’t generally believe in any of these (well maybe the mind-reading and supernatural powers) but I can’t help but run past the bushes on a Thursday evening when I get home late or using an umbrella as extra protection.

That reminds me. I had school pictures today, well, one picture. It was a whole year picture and our behaviour during earned us all a whole year detention… Imagine that! Everyone was so pissed about it but, to be honest, they were the ones that were talking. I wasn’t talking and it didn’t actually bother me. I’m used to unfair whole class detentions. This was nothing to me.

I was more interested with the photo. My single school photo was a nightmare. It came out okay but my smile was a bit too stressed…

I was horrified when I found out about this unexpected picture. I hadn’t brushed my hair properly, my face and lips were dry-ish and I was tired. I bet my teachers didn’t tell us because they didn’t want us to show up with 10 layers of makeup and our skirts 5cm from indecency. They didn’t have to worry about me though. I tried to do my simplest smile and tried my best not to blink but the intense flash of the camera was too much. I think it was okay.

One thing I was surprised to find out was that in my year 7 whole year picture, my cheeks were a chubby as a hamster’s. Seriously chubby! Maybe I wasn’t the only one but it felt like it. Cinnamon was lucky; she was perfect in hers. Grace’s one was funny though- her eyes were like slits and she frowned at the camera. I couldn’t tell whose was worse- Grace’s or mine? Well, at least I was smiling… and Grace’s hair looked as funky and wild as ever. I’ve always liked her hair.

But yeah, it was just another day. Just another Monday. What was weird was that I left upset and came back happy. Normally it’s the other way round… Maybe I’m starting to get over my thing with school. That would be nice…

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Just a life update…

… Nothing much.

So, how are you, lost traveller? Today, I’ve been feeling quite happy and what’s strange is that I’m still weirdly happy, because normally I feel like shit at the end of the day. And now that I think about it (which I really shouldn’t) I have a lot of things to be sad about.
I lost my pen, my folding 30cm and my P.E kit and I can’t get back to school till november. :/
If the school are stupid enough to throw it away then, yeah, that’s pretty serious, but hey, I’ve got a back up kit! All I need now are trainers…
The second thing, or person, is Backstabber. The other day I was pretty upset about the whole not-fitting-on-to-any-friendship-groups thing and I also felt unusual strong feelings of hate towards her so didn’t sit next to her in English. I’m not sure whether or not that was the reason she shot me death stares throughout the day but I can tell she was angry. I don’t feel guilty though; she totally embarrassed me in chemistry the other day and it really hurt. And not only that, but she also told something to my sister that I told her in confidence as if it were a light matter. That made me furious. If you ask me, she deserved whatever she’s feeling now.
Do you know what I found out today about her? My friend who’s been really supportive and nice to me, let’s call her Cinnamon because I feel that somehow suits her, told me that Backstabber came up to her and said that she won’t be her friend anymore because she’s my friend. We were really angered by this. She was practically threatening her. Cinn said  that she didn’t have the right to tell her who to be friends with and I said that regardless of whether they are friends with your so called ‘enemy’, if you’re a true friend, it wouldn’t matter. Oh well, ‘good riddance’ I say. No one needs people like that.
You know, I think that’s the reason why my friend, the other girl she hangs out with, alongside Mandy, has stopped talking to me. She doesn’t even look at me and the only way Backstabber knows her if through me and Mari (she was actually Mari’s best friend… It’s funny how things turn out, ne?) who Backstabber also disowned.
But you know the reason I’m not bothered? Why the physical manifestations (mostly shortage of breath and feelings of sickness in some cases)? It’s because I had one of those moments when you look on one of your problems and worries and think ‘was I really stressing over this…?’ I hate to say it, since I’ve been her friend for almost half a decade, but she’s kind of pathetic and I don’t mean that in an offensive way. It’s just that when I look at her sometimes, I think about a little puppy trying to get out of a box thrice it’s size and trying to do so without any help when it’s just right there, within reach.
I wasn’t just imagining it at open day, she is lonely, despite whatever airs she puts on when I’m around and she’s with Mandy laughing her head off. If I could count the number of times she glanced and stared at me and looked like she just tripped over and landed in dog poo and quickly ran out of lessons to avoid me, just today, you’d be surprised. In Spanish, I loudly called my teacher, not so Backstabber could hear me, but just so I could get my quick question answered before the controlled conditions started. I might as well have called out just to annoy,Backstabber because she was truly shooting me daggers then and I had to stop myself laughing- what I do when I feel uncomfortable, but it was kind of funny, the face she made at least.

Sometimes I wish that I could tell her that it’s her loss, but there wouldn’t be a point, she won’t learn and I doubt she will.

I feel that even though I will again feel pain about this and cry about not fitting in, I think the worst is over and that I have a nice,future to look forward to as long as I  learn the lessons that I’ve been taught in the experience.

The lessons? I’m in no position to give life lessons being the way I am, but I feel that these are very important.
The first is to never invest in one particular friendship; it doesn’t work… at all… The second is to look at your worries realistically. The third is to let things go, but remember that it takes time to heal. There’s also no point in trying to act as if you’re okay. It’s emotionally exhausting and only make it worse. It’s better to about your problems regularly and try not to hold back, but don’t overwhelm people with your problems. Overwhelming should be left for blogs and diaries. 😉

Well, I’ll just focus on my school work for now as well as my friendships. I’ll try not to worry about bs because she’s not worth the trouble. Sorry if I don’t blog for a while over these next few months; I’ll be doing my mocks soon, but down stay clear of my blog for a few months  because I will post for definite.

I’m tired now.

signing out.

Apparently, best friends are replaceable

Another sad thing to write about! Yaaaaaaay!

Honestly, when I think back to when I was all in a depressed mode, I don’t know how on earth I could’ve been in a worse situation than I am now.

Before I  start the whole story/account/nightmare, let me just fill you in on something Grace said to me earlier. She was randomly telling me about how she has high standards when it comes to boys. The first boy she ever kissed was… kind of on the short side, he was kind of… well, Grace told me she heard that he was a ‘slag’ (she used  that words exactly) and I don’t think he was very good looking either but she still exaggerated about how how fit he was and how her first kiss was so romantic… She later revealed that she regretted wasting her first kiss and was so upset. She went out with two other guys after that exaggerating about how good-looking and fit they were and like a good friend- a good best friend- I agreed with her. They were okay people, not ugly though not as dashing as she described. They were decent people. Of course when she broke up with them, she always said that they weren’t good-looking and that she deserved better. Of course after her last boyfriend, she began getting noticed by other guys and she kept boasting about how she kissed a 24 year old (gross) and that was when she boasted about being able to get any boy she wants. She even refuses to go out with this nice guy who she likes just because he’s shorter than her (and not even by a lot because he’s a still a lot taller than me). And now with this cleared up, I can continue.

Recently I’ve noticed that Grace has been in a bad mood. She’s been having weird mood swings. For example, I ask her for a favour and no matter how small it may be, she always refuses. Whenever I tell her that she never does anything for me, she yells at me and calls me spoilt and then ignores me. Later, she acts like it never happens and when she sees me upset she yells at me asking why I’m so moody all the time. I tell her that she doesn’t do anything for me and that she always has a go at me and then she’s angry, she ignores me and we’re back to square one and I didn’t want this to go on so I’d just slap a smile onto my face and pretend everything’s rainbows and peaches. But then…

Yesterday, I there was nothing in the house for lunch. I usually buy my lunch at school but that day I had P.E. in the nearby leisure center before lunch and we were allowed to eat out. Since Grace and I are in the same P.E. class, I asked her if we could stop by McDonald’s (I’ve always wanted to try the 99p burger) but of course she said no because she wanted to go home to pick up her P.E. kit. Firstly, she should keep her kit at school like everyone else and secondly, she would’ve gotten her P.E. kit before P.E. not after (???). Still she said no.

I got angry at this point and told her that she was being selfish. Then she started her ‘your-spoilt,-it’s-not-all-about-you’ thing again and the I countered ‘it’s not all about you either’ and then she said that it was all about her. Every second she was just making me angrier and angrier. We ended up arguing as we left our that lesson to go to the leisure center and in the middle of it, she stopped talking to me and starting talking to other girls lying to them about what happened and making a joke out of me. I just got furious and left. i ended up walking by myself to P.E., crying (and Grace knew this and kept on laughing with whoever she was talking to as if I didn’t exist), until I bumped into my friend, let’s call her Ann, and she asks me what’s wrong so I tell her everything. She, being the nice lovely person she is, understands my feelings and gives me a lot of great advice; she tells me to take my friendship with Grace with a ‘pinch of salt’, as she says, and remember what kind of person she is. She also tells me that I should try hanging out with other people and that I’m welcome to hang out with her. I thanked her for the advice and seriously thought over what she said.

Then, in P.E. I saw Grace. Shen didn’t apologise. She didn’t say that we should forget about what happened. She just picked suddenly decided that I was her partner (because  she didn’t have anyone else who would be her partner) for badminton and we started playing. She started to talk about how she had gotten in trouble when the teacher caught her in her P.E. kit when she entered the leisure center (It turned out that we weren’t allowed to change at home of anywhere and got straight to the center). Obviously I was still upset, though I wasn’t crying anymore. She left after P.E. without a word so I went back on my own to change. Ann and two other girls from my form let me walk back with them and even after insisting that I’d be okay with no lunch and refusing Ann’s offer of part of her own lunch, they stopped by a shop so I could by a sandwich and apple juice which, i had to admit, was better than the cheese toasty I made for my lunch on Thursdays because Grace refuses to go back to school so I can eat even though she promised (yes, she’s a promise breaker). At registration I told her about the nice things Ann did for me and she told me that it said that it didn’t kill me to hang out with someone else. It was then that I realised that something was off.

Of course, we got into another argument. She was my best friend so I argued that of all people, she should be there for me but apparently, her house means more to her than me. You know, I’m always there for her. A few days ago, I went to my french teacher for him to check my french, but then she totally butted in and made things about her again so instead I was wasting my time after school for Grace to get her french re-checked when mine hadn’t even been checked in the first place and then she started up some hour long conversation about random rubbish and I ended up leaving school late. After promising to walk me to this other bus stop because she made me late, she decided to choose laziness over me and told me that she wouldn’t and of course, she got what she wanted.

Back to the story. We went to our next lesson arguing, then she left without me again. Didn’t speak a word to me. After school we somehow end up arguing again. This other girl in my form asks Grace what I’m going on about (of course) and Grace makes up lies again. I explain the truth. The girl says that we’re always arguing then I, being the stupid clingy dependent person I am, apologise and tell her to forget that this ever happened. Grace ignores me saying that she’d end the fight tomorrow. I keep asking her and asking her but she always has to have it her way and leaves with the satisfaction that she never gave in leaving me extremely upset even though I tried not to show it so that Grace wouldn’t have anything to moan about.

The next day, today, I decide that it’s okay to be with different people so I just tried to be with Grace whenever I could catch her because she seemed to be ignoring my existence unless I make an effort to run after her before she can leave me behind. Unluckily, but perhaps luckily, for me, I completely bombed my GCSE ensemble piece all 5 times that I recorded it and came out crying. I decided to wait for Grace who took ages to get out of her class and we walked to lunch. I explained to her how I messed up my music and I couldn’t help but shed some more tears. My whole body was shaking after I’d left the music room and I was scared that the piece would bring my grade down at least a whole grade and music is already hard enough.

Of course, Grace didn’t bother to comfort me. No, she did quite the opposite: she walked ahead of me, looking annoyed as usual and told me that it’s not the end of the world, that I was overreacting and other stuff in an attempt to make me feel guilty for crying over an exam I might’ve failed and she went to get a seat in the year 11 canteen like she normally did ever since she became too lazy to wait for me in the main canteen as I got my lunch. Fair enough, I thought. But when I’d gotten my lunch, I realised that she sat somewhere else with other people that she hardly talks to, eating her lunch. She didn’t even save a space for me and she didn’t say a word as I passed by trying to find somewhere to sit. Eventually I found a seat beside Ann, another of my friends and some girls from my form. Ann was happy to let me sit beside her. She listened to me as I explained what had happened and my other friend gave me a hug. Then they even waited for me to finish my lunch (I didn’t finish it- it was far too much) even though Ann was late for choir. I joined her too (I originally went to choir but Grace always convinces me not to go which is funny because all of a sudden I have to listen to her but she won’t listen to me… hmm…) I didn’ sit with Grace in registration and she left without even looking at me.

I went to the next lesson, Grace ignored me. I tried speaking to her once. I tried walking with her the next lesson. She sat with Mandy, the girl who hates me and told Grace not to be my friend, instead and it seemed like she had been hanging out with her for the whole day. When I saw them together, and thought about it, I realised that I had been so easily replaced by Mandy, the girl who’s rude about everyone. Grace was fed up with being my best friend. She thought I wasn’t worthy  of her or her friendship and so she cut it off like that. She believed that she deserved better, which Mandy probably hinted to her. So now I’ve been ‘dumped’ by my so-called ‘best friend’ for a new one that fits her needs. She’s tired of me, just like a child gets tired of an old toy. The only difference is that I’m human but it’s not like that makes a difference for Grace.

You know what the worst part is? During these last few days, I’ve been feeling bad for being moody or whatever when the last two weeks apart from the thing with my parents and when Grace was mean to me, so I don’t really know why she got angry in the first place?

I hate that I still want to be her friend even though she’s horrible and treats me like a child, shoving me off and telling me to go with someone else because she doesn’t feel like taking care of me. I can’t believe I even apologised a number of times when the last time she ever apologised to me was at the end of year 9 when she laughed (or more like smirked) when these girls sprayed half a bottle of deodorant as a ‘joke’ probably to see if I’d have an asthma attack (I’m asthmatic), said horrible things behind my back to my friends the same day to try and turn them against me and generally make me upset that horrible camping trip. I had to apologise first before she even thought about saying sorry. After that, anytime I get upset because of something she does, she ignores me, hangs out with other people laughing as much as she can to make me feel bad and come running back to her because I she knows that I have difficulty talking to other people and she enjoys watching me suffer and eventually run back to her practically begging for forgiveness.

I find it hard to believe that even after what I’ve been through having her as my only close friend in that school, I still feel guilty and I apologise to her anytime I show any sign of sadness. Shouldn’t I be free to express my emotions without the fear that I’ll be walking the school alone while my so-called best friend doesn’t give a care in the world about me. It feels like I’m trapped in this so-called friendship. Like it’s either I listen to her, don’t say a word, don’t have any voice or opinion and run after her all the time.

I’m sorry, I’ve seriously rambled.

I’m just not sure what to do now. I talked to my mum and she told me not to let her push me around like that and I think that she’s right. A lot of times a voice in my head has told me not to trust Grace and that I shouldn’t be here friend. Thinking that always made me feel guilty but now I’m wondering if it’s true. For now, I’ll do the same. I won’t wait for her. I won’t go out of my way to talk to her. I’ll wait to see if she’ll make an effort to even look at me and then I’ll know whether she’s a real friend.

But I can assure you that that will never happen.

Sorry for taking your valuable time by making you read this post, but since you did, I guess I feel a bit better. I’ll try and be less depressed next time.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

I really don’t care!

Hello! I am feeling energetic today! So energetic that I want to write a post! (Y’know, since I neglected my blog for so long)

As you’ve probably guessed, I’m actually happy for once and it’s weird. It feels like I haven’t been my cheerful self for ages and it was what Grace told me that made me realise this. I’ll get to what she said later.

Anyways, today was the second day of my English controlled conditions for GCSEs and blah blah blah. And before I started, I started randomly saying/singing ‘I’m s-s-s-sorry. I’m s-s-s-s-sorry.’ In a deep voice and I noticed a girl laughing. I was only after looking up to her oddly that I realised she was laughing at me and I got really embarrassed. This wasn’t the first time I felt embarrassed in an English lesson (and during a controlled conditions for that matter) and at that time I couldn’t actually help it. i had this sort of coughing fit and the whole class started laughing. I don’t really feel like going into that story. So anyways, as she laughed and said something to her friend beside her, I began to think up excuses that could justify singing/speaking and then I said to myself (in my mind, of course)

I doesn’t actually matter.

So then I continued with my essay, trying my best to believe that so that I wouldn’t destroy my good mood. Eventually I forgot. It worked! For once…

I had P,E, after that. It was a single period so we just played football for the whole time. Our P.E. groups are actually our English groups this year, since P.E. comes after English. I love football by the way (playing it, that is. Not watching it) though I’m no good at scoring. I think I’m great at defending though; I’m always good at defending in sports. I found myself being tackled by the same girl (she does GCSE P.E. so you can imagine how scared I was (no  really, to be honest, but still…). I kind of messed up at one point and kept kicking the wrong leg because she kept kicking the ball in the other direction and I must’ve done this weird jumpy thing because after I’d successfully kicked the ball away from the goal (and her) she burst out laughing and went to her friend who was the keeper in my team. I walked off, with my eye on the ball thinking:

The ball is going towards your goal so… jokes on you, mate.

And I continued with the game. I didn’t even feel the least bit embarrassed- I didn’t care! This was weird because I always care. When someone tells me that so-and-so doesn’t like me, I obsess over it and end up doing or saying something stupid.

And that leads me to the main point of this point.

After school, I was talking to Grace and then suddenly, this girl, let’s call her Mandy, walks up to Grace and totally interrupts us. Yeah, this pissed me off because she always interrupts us everyday and it really gets on my nerves. After she’d finished speaking to Mandy, I told Grace how Mandy was so annoying always interrupting our conversations and Grace looking to the side awkwardly and said.

‘About Mandy…’

And then she told me what Mandy, who I, didn’t think was nice in particular, but at least respected people, said about me. She told me how she hates me because I’m moody all the time, which isn’t actually true because:

  1. This moody, upset business only lasted for a few weeks and for the end of last year and
  2. She doesn’t know anything about about me.

She also told Grace how she shouldn’t be my friend and all I could think was:

‘That backstabber!’ I also said that out loud.

I wasn’t too shocked though, she usually ignores my existence even though I say hi to her and try to be friendly and talkative towards her especially since my whole depressed episode. Strangely enough, the thought escaped my mind and I forgot about her for a good hour or so (after school club) but as I walked home, I thought about what I should do about it. I had told Grace that I was going to talk to her about it but of course she asked me not to; Mandy had asked her not to tell me, but I seriously want to tell her that it isn’t okay to say things about people behind their backs especially if they don’t know their situation (and in my case, I was just crazy but it’s not like I could help it). That’s the worse thing, you know- hearing that someone said something behind your back. Although it’s rude, I appreciate people who say what they think to a person’s face. Saying something behind someone’s back is not only cruel but shows that their a coward who can’t even be truthful. How can you trust someone who does it? Even Grace thinks that Mandy talks about her behind her back. I’m sure she has because she loves to gossip, even about Grace and her private life.

I’m going a little off topic. So, I decided that I could do two things:

  1. Confront her, without being rude of course, because I’m not aiming to hurt her.
  2. Leave it alone.

As I was about to just leave it alone, I decided to do something else. As a scientist, I decided to do an experiment. I would be as friendly as possible to Mandy, compliment her, try to have a nice conversation with her and try and join in with their conversations. Then I’ll ask Grace what she says about me.

I know this sounds like I care, but I actually don’t. I just want to try an experiment now that I have the chance. I guess this short story series I’m writing is influencing me (it has major science and psychology themes), but I might end up not doing it. I have exams and stuff so I can’t really be bothered. Maybe it’s the exams that are making everything seem so trivial. Yeah, that’s probably it.

I just feel so energetic and happy. Maybe it’s because earlier my baby bro fell on his side cause he laughed so much, I kept lying even after. Anyway (I keep saying that) I’m kind of hungry and I have homework to do so…

~EpicCupcake signing out.