Apparently, best friends are replaceable

Another sad thing to write about! Yaaaaaaay!

Honestly, when I think back to when I was all in a depressed mode, I don’t know how on earth I could’ve been in a worse situation than I am now.

Before I  start the whole story/account/nightmare, let me just fill you in on something Grace said to me earlier. She was randomly telling me about how she has high standards when it comes to boys. The first boy she ever kissed was… kind of on the short side, he was kind of… well, Grace told me she heard that he was a ‘slag’ (she used  that words exactly) and I don’t think he was very good looking either but she still exaggerated about how how fit he was and how her first kiss was so romantic… She later revealed that she regretted wasting her first kiss and was so upset. She went out with two other guys after that exaggerating about how good-looking and fit they were and like a good friend- a good best friend- I agreed with her. They were okay people, not ugly though not as dashing as she described. They were decent people. Of course when she broke up with them, she always said that they weren’t good-looking and that she deserved better. Of course after her last boyfriend, she began getting noticed by other guys and she kept boasting about how she kissed a 24 year old (gross) and that was when she boasted about being able to get any boy she wants. She even refuses to go out with this nice guy who she likes just because he’s shorter than her (and not even by a lot because he’s a still a lot taller than me). And now with this cleared up, I can continue.

Recently I’ve noticed that Grace has been in a bad mood. She’s been having weird mood swings. For example, I ask her for a favour and no matter how small it may be, she always refuses. Whenever I tell her that she never does anything for me, she yells at me and calls me spoilt and then ignores me. Later, she acts like it never happens and when she sees me upset she yells at me asking why I’m so moody all the time. I tell her that she doesn’t do anything for me and that she always has a go at me and then she’s angry, she ignores me and we’re back to square one and I didn’t want this to go on so I’d just slap a smile onto my face and pretend everything’s rainbows and peaches. But then…

Yesterday, I there was nothing in the house for lunch. I usually buy my lunch at school but that day I had P.E. in the nearby leisure center before lunch and we were allowed to eat out. Since Grace and I are in the same P.E. class, I asked her if we could stop by McDonald’s (I’ve always wanted to try the 99p burger) but of course she said no because she wanted to go home to pick up her P.E. kit. Firstly, she should keep her kit at school like everyone else and secondly, she would’ve gotten her P.E. kit before P.E. not after (???). Still she said no.

I got angry at this point and told her that she was being selfish. Then she started her ‘your-spoilt,-it’s-not-all-about-you’ thing again and the I countered ‘it’s not all about you either’ and then she said that it was all about her. Every second she was just making me angrier and angrier. We ended up arguing as we left our that lesson to go to the leisure center and in the middle of it, she stopped talking to me and starting talking to other girls lying to them about what happened and making a joke out of me. I just got furious and left. i ended up walking by myself to P.E., crying (and Grace knew this and kept on laughing with whoever she was talking to as if I didn’t exist), until I bumped into my friend, let’s call her Ann, and she asks me what’s wrong so I tell her everything. She, being the nice lovely person she is, understands my feelings and gives me a lot of great advice; she tells me to take my friendship with Grace with a ‘pinch of salt’, as she says, and remember what kind of person she is. She also tells me that I should try hanging out with other people and that I’m welcome to hang out with her. I thanked her for the advice and seriously thought over what she said.

Then, in P.E. I saw Grace. Shen didn’t apologise. She didn’t say that we should forget about what happened. She just picked suddenly decided that I was her partner (because  she didn’t have anyone else who would be her partner) for badminton and we started playing. She started to talk about how she had gotten in trouble when the teacher caught her in her P.E. kit when she entered the leisure center (It turned out that we weren’t allowed to change at home of anywhere and got straight to the center). Obviously I was still upset, though I wasn’t crying anymore. She left after P.E. without a word so I went back on my own to change. Ann and two other girls from my form let me walk back with them and even after insisting that I’d be okay with no lunch and refusing Ann’s offer of part of her own lunch, they stopped by a shop so I could by a sandwich and apple juice which, i had to admit, was better than the cheese toasty I made for my lunch on Thursdays because Grace refuses to go back to school so I can eat even though she promised (yes, she’s a promise breaker). At registration I told her about the nice things Ann did for me and she told me that it said that it didn’t kill me to hang out with someone else. It was then that I realised that something was off.

Of course, we got into another argument. She was my best friend so I argued that of all people, she should be there for me but apparently, her house means more to her than me. You know, I’m always there for her. A few days ago, I went to my french teacher for him to check my french, but then she totally butted in and made things about her again so instead I was wasting my time after school for Grace to get her french re-checked when mine hadn’t even been checked in the first place and then she started up some hour long conversation about random rubbish and I ended up leaving school late. After promising to walk me to this other bus stop because she made me late, she decided to choose laziness over me and told me that she wouldn’t and of course, she got what she wanted.

Back to the story. We went to our next lesson arguing, then she left without me again. Didn’t speak a word to me. After school we somehow end up arguing again. This other girl in my form asks Grace what I’m going on about (of course) and Grace makes up lies again. I explain the truth. The girl says that we’re always arguing then I, being the stupid clingy dependent person I am, apologise and tell her to forget that this ever happened. Grace ignores me saying that she’d end the fight tomorrow. I keep asking her and asking her but she always has to have it her way and leaves with the satisfaction that she never gave in leaving me extremely upset even though I tried not to show it so that Grace wouldn’t have anything to moan about.

The next day, today, I decide that it’s okay to be with different people so I just tried to be with Grace whenever I could catch her because she seemed to be ignoring my existence unless I make an effort to run after her before she can leave me behind. Unluckily, but perhaps luckily, for me, I completely bombed my GCSE ensemble piece all 5 times that I recorded it and came out crying. I decided to wait for Grace who took ages to get out of her class and we walked to lunch. I explained to her how I messed up my music and I couldn’t help but shed some more tears. My whole body was shaking after I’d left the music room and I was scared that the piece would bring my grade down at least a whole grade and music is already hard enough.

Of course, Grace didn’t bother to comfort me. No, she did quite the opposite: she walked ahead of me, looking annoyed as usual and told me that it’s not the end of the world, that I was overreacting and other stuff in an attempt to make me feel guilty for crying over an exam I might’ve failed and she went to get a seat in the year 11 canteen like she normally did ever since she became too lazy to wait for me in the main canteen as I got my lunch. Fair enough, I thought. But when I’d gotten my lunch, I realised that she sat somewhere else with other people that she hardly talks to, eating her lunch. She didn’t even save a space for me and she didn’t say a word as I passed by trying to find somewhere to sit. Eventually I found a seat beside Ann, another of my friends and some girls from my form. Ann was happy to let me sit beside her. She listened to me as I explained what had happened and my other friend gave me a hug. Then they even waited for me to finish my lunch (I didn’t finish it- it was far too much) even though Ann was late for choir. I joined her too (I originally went to choir but Grace always convinces me not to go which is funny because all of a sudden I have to listen to her but she won’t listen to me… hmm…) I didn’ sit with Grace in registration and she left without even looking at me.

I went to the next lesson, Grace ignored me. I tried speaking to her once. I tried walking with her the next lesson. She sat with Mandy, the girl who hates me and told Grace not to be my friend, instead and it seemed like she had been hanging out with her for the whole day. When I saw them together, and thought about it, I realised that I had been so easily replaced by Mandy, the girl who’s rude about everyone. Grace was fed up with being my best friend. She thought I wasn’t worthy  of her or her friendship and so she cut it off like that. She believed that she deserved better, which Mandy probably hinted to her. So now I’ve been ‘dumped’ by my so-called ‘best friend’ for a new one that fits her needs. She’s tired of me, just like a child gets tired of an old toy. The only difference is that I’m human but it’s not like that makes a difference for Grace.

You know what the worst part is? During these last few days, I’ve been feeling bad for being moody or whatever when the last two weeks apart from the thing with my parents and when Grace was mean to me, so I don’t really know why she got angry in the first place?

I hate that I still want to be her friend even though she’s horrible and treats me like a child, shoving me off and telling me to go with someone else because she doesn’t feel like taking care of me. I can’t believe I even apologised a number of times when the last time she ever apologised to me was at the end of year 9 when she laughed (or more like smirked) when these girls sprayed half a bottle of deodorant as a ‘joke’ probably to see if I’d have an asthma attack (I’m asthmatic), said horrible things behind my back to my friends the same day to try and turn them against me and generally make me upset that horrible camping trip. I had to apologise first before she even thought about saying sorry. After that, anytime I get upset because of something she does, she ignores me, hangs out with other people laughing as much as she can to make me feel bad and come running back to her because I she knows that I have difficulty talking to other people and she enjoys watching me suffer and eventually run back to her practically begging for forgiveness.

I find it hard to believe that even after what I’ve been through having her as my only close friend in that school, I still feel guilty and I apologise to her anytime I show any sign of sadness. Shouldn’t I be free to express my emotions without the fear that I’ll be walking the school alone while my so-called best friend doesn’t give a care in the world about me. It feels like I’m trapped in this so-called friendship. Like it’s either I listen to her, don’t say a word, don’t have any voice or opinion and run after her all the time.

I’m sorry, I’ve seriously rambled.

I’m just not sure what to do now. I talked to my mum and she told me not to let her push me around like that and I think that she’s right. A lot of times a voice in my head has told me not to trust Grace and that I shouldn’t be here friend. Thinking that always made me feel guilty but now I’m wondering if it’s true. For now, I’ll do the same. I won’t wait for her. I won’t go out of my way to talk to her. I’ll wait to see if she’ll make an effort to even look at me and then I’ll know whether she’s a real friend.

But I can assure you that that will never happen.

Sorry for taking your valuable time by making you read this post, but since you did, I guess I feel a bit better. I’ll try and be less depressed next time.

~EpicCupcake signing out.