Imaginary Schrödinger’s Person

Let me tell you what I’ve done today…

I woke up… at 12

I read a book… like 5 pages

I played games… on my phone

I watched 1.5 movies… yeah…

And it’s almost eight now and I don’t believe I’ve done anything meaningful today.

You know, I can fool myself that I’m content with spending everyday on my computer and sort of reading books and definitely reading comics for quite a while, but I can’t fool myself forever.

I’m bored.

I need to do something.

Something meaningful.

Unfortunately I have neither the energy nor social skills to do anything. I am actually quite a boring person.

I don’t know why I have this crazy idea in my head that if I had a boyfriend or a girlfriend that my life will suddenly have meaning. That I have to have someone to complete me. That life will start only then and I should just wait and be bored before then.

Some time ago, about when I started this blog or at least a year from then, I used to have these thoughts all the time and it seriously bugged me. Perhaps that was what made me so glum. Now-a-days I just fly by in life, not thinking about those things and to be honest, I’ve been happy since I started college- since I stopped thinking about those kinds of things.

Of course that was when I was still head over heels (or hills or whatever the expression is ‘m too lazy to google right now, sorry) for Phoenix so I only concentrated on one person and not the whole bunch of people who couldn’t care less about me. But now I’m really done with that. I’m ready to close that chapter of my life but it’s hard, you know? I can’t help that whenever we talk on WhatsApp, I get really happy and excited and my heart just warms up. I can’t help that there’s always that feeling deep inside- that relentless feeling- that still has feelings for her. And boy is it annoying! On results’ day I met her by chance and as usual, I stuck to her like glue and went back to the hall so she could collect her results instead of leaving with my own and meeting my cousin as planned. I then met my other friends and I wanted to talk to them but Phoenix had to go because her girlfriend was waiting outside. I felt a pang of something but I said bye and let her go without me. There was no way I was gonna hang around with her girlfriend. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but her girlfriend went to our high school. We had English together. So did Phoenix. I never really liked her that much because I thought she looked down on me. What made that day worse is that I bumped into Phoenix when I was leaving the college and she was with her and some others. Thank goodness her girlfriend had her back to me, It would hurt to look at her face. Her hair was really nice though. Really really nice. As if my hair, I mean day, wasn’t bad enough.

So now, even though I am getting over it, I still want to be in a relationship. To get my mind off everything and just chill. To be able to be happy for my friend.

But you know, there has to be more to life. I don’t want to put my faith in dating to make life more exciting. True, it would make life more exciting, but I don’t think it’s the kind of excitement I’m looking for. I just want to make the most of every day and live life to the full. Try new things. Go to new places. Learn more about myself and the world. Get closer with my friends (in an extrememly platonic way- I don’t want this emotions rollercoaster I experienced thanks to my undying- and I MEAN UNDYING– love for Phoenix) and actually hang out with them! Instead of being a loner at home all the time because it’s easier that way.

But you know, I’m only 17 and I’ve got extremely strict parents. What can I actually do? My parents want me to be at home 24/7 and even if they don’t I have nowhere to go. Even though I’ve sort of gotten over my fear of opening my mouth and letting words come out instead of silence, I’m no social butterfly and my friends are very limited. And going places costs money! I’ve spent over £50 this holiday and I’m still recovering from my last bank statement.

But I guess there’s no harm in trying to get out of the house. I could force my friends to introduce me new people and I could wave my results in front of my parents face if I get invited to a party or something. I don’t know. I shouldn’t think about all the stuff I’m not doing and want to be doing. I should just focus on making myself happy and living each day to the full (and not sleeping in till the afternoon)

So the question: ‘Is the more to life?’

Answer? : ‘Most definitely.’

Of course, I knew that.

The real question is: ‘Is there more to my life?’

And the answer? : ‘There will be, if I make the effort.’

I can definitely live my life to the full without a boyfriend/girlfriend and it’s time I start believing in myself and not this imaginary Schrödinger’s person.

I’ve realised all I need is a little bit of confidence.

A little bit of confidence can go a long way.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Just My Luck…

Hello.

Sorry, I’m not in a good mood so this post is gonna be a little morose.

So now I know what heartbreak feels like.

It’s not nice.

It’s horrible.

God, it’s making me feel so empty and hollow.

Today I just found out that Phoenix is actually going out with someone. For four months now.

When I initially heard, I was with my friends cause one of my friends was telling me, because she had forgotten that I had a crush on her.

I kept my cool. I didn’t burst into tears. My friends were all like ‘Are you alright?’ and I was like ‘Oh well, I knew she didn’t like me in the first place so there’s no need to be miserable about it.’. And that really surprised me because soon after, I walked off to my maths lesson and kept my head on the table the whole time while I cried silently.

This went on for the rest of the day. Me being miserable. In my bio lesson I tried to cheer up a bit, and I did, but literally after that I really couldn’t hold it in for much longer.

I pasted Phoneix on the way out of college. She said hi. I had to say hi back despite the fact I dashed out of my lesson to avoid seeing her (you know, so I wouldn’t burst into tears right there on the spot). It was even worse when I played my music like I normally do to and from college and it started playing ‘Happy Together’. A song that would remind me of her. That really didn’t help things.

I managed to hold most of it in till I got home and it literally just all burst out and I was crying and crying and my music was playing and then I was crying and singing and wailing and feeling bad for the neighbours and… gosh…

I guess it’s my fault for falling so deeply for her. I was practically in love with her. I really was. And even though I’m trying to resolve to move on, I know part of me wont let me. No, not part of me- all of me. I know it’s unhealthy to have these lingering feelings but I just can’t help it! It’s her fault for being so perfect and awesome and beautiful. :/

Aaaaaaaaahhhh moooouuuuu… I don’t feel like crying anymore. I have to watch some anime or something…

Happy Friday the 13, everyone… This is just my luck.

~EpicCupcake, signing out.

It’s Always Nice When Heat is Warm

MOCK EXAMS

Haven’t drawn anything in a while…

My creative juices are running dry at the moment. I hope that’ll change soon and you’ll find out why soon enough.

So this random post has been placed in the Dear Diary category- the category I use when I want to give you an update on my latest fails so that’s what this posts about.

First and foremost, I like to say how shocked I am at how well I’m getting on at college. I always thought that I’d never talk to any of my classmates outside of my lessons, but oh how that has changed! Okay, it’s not like I suddenly became a pro at socialising overnight, but I think I’m improving. Before I never really talked in lessons, but now I feel like I’m talking too much in my bio lessons and moderately in my chemistry lessons. As some weird rule, I don’t talk much in maths and haven’t since GCSE but even today I had a conversation with the guy I sit next to which didn’t feel forced or traumatising either. Even though I’m still silent in physics, there is one girl in that class that I talk to a bit so I feel like maybe that’s a sign that I’ll soon feel like I fit in. Right now in my bio class, I really do feel like I fit in and that’s a first for me. I like how I can comfortably talk to others in my class and even talk across the room which I never used to do and that’s awesome! For me, at least.

I’m not even sure how it happened, but I feel like some switch has just been flicked and my social energy saver light bulb is slowly glowing brighter and brighter. I’m beginning to wonder why I was struggling so much. Though, like I said, I’m still not there yet and I’m still shy and a little awkward but I feel like I’m opening up to people and I’m actually enjoying college a lot more than high school!

My typical week involves me hanging out a lot with Tori and we’d meet up with other friends. It would involve me going to help out in the local primary school and learning how to be less awkward around kids. It would involve me and Tori running the student-run chemistry revision sessions. It would involve me strengthening my bond with Phoenix, texting and talking whenever we can etc. Oh, and lessons, of course. I don’t feel stressed, I’m hardly ever alone and I don’t need to worry about being alone and I’m happy and I’m comfortable. The people around me are nice and friendly and it’s not that hard to talk to them. Yep… life is good… apart from mocks which are NEXT WEEK!!!

DUN

DUN

DUUUUUUUUUN!!!

Oh well…

Let me tell you a bit about the chemistry revision sessions and the primary school volunteering.

The revision sessions started quite late, due to the word about it coming out late and can blame that on Tori’s chemistry teacher. When we finally had our first session, only about four people came which was both fortunate and unfortunate. Fortunate because I’m shy and don’t fair well in large crowds. Unfortunate because… well, it looked a little sad. We had prepared a powerpoint ages ago but ended up discarding it once we realised that students wanted exam practice and help with questions. So the first week was a fail. The second week however, which just so happens to be this week, we had a few more people, though still a small amount, and I had prepared high level questions to get them really thinking so that they’d ace the mocks and that actually went well! I also feel like the explaining and giving tips will help build my confidence and maybe help me learn to be more social.

Another thing that I think is helping me is the volunteering. I’m coming to really like my class and their teacher. The kids are cute, enthusiastic funny and polite and they even call me ‘miss’! Though some call me by my name which I appreciated cause I’m not used to being called miss so if they call me, I won’t even realise. One thing I want to be able to do is be more firm and tell the kids to quiet down if the teacher wants silence, or tell them to grab a book when it’s time to read. I don’t feel like doing that cause I’m not in authority, but it’ll help the teacher as well as help me to become more assertive. But I don’t wanna tell off childreeeeeeen! Teeny, tiny childreeeeeeeeen!

In other news, I’m in a really good, really weird mood. A bug called Christmas has been going round and infecting people, giving people that warm, soft, gentle, Christmasy feeling. I caught it. And now I’m demanding my mum to find the Christmas songs she and my dad used to play on the CD player. I want to be reminded of  those past magical Christmas and somehow recreate at least half of it. But that’s not the point of this post. The  point is that London is going to look all romantic and Chrsitmasy and Phoenix wants us to go to the city and this has sort of driven me crazy. The previous night, I was filled with such fluffy mashmallow soft feels as I daydreamed (nightdreamed? … dreamed???) about a romantic evening-looking afternoon as we gaze upon the river and the twinkling lights. I would hand Phoenix her present, which would be a story specially written for her, and chocolate, cause she practically lives on that stuff. Then I’d tell her that I like her, and tell her that I know I already told her (texted her) but this time I wanted to say it to her face. And then I’d tell her not to feel bad that she doesn’t feel the same way because I don’t care whether we date or not, just that I want to be near her, for her and as close to her as I am now, maybe even closer. Then I’d get flustered and trip on a rock.

I don’t know why I feel so loveydovey today. Maybe it’s because I’m sleep-deprived (didn’t sleep for three days straight) because in my physics lesson, I almost burst into hysterics. It was a cold day and there was some sort of warm air coming from a vent or something and one guy goes,

‘Oh, warm heat!’

And then the guy who sit’s next to me started laughing and I wondered why but then I always thought he was a bit strange… Then he says,

‘Yeah, it’s always nice when heat is warm.’

And then it came. I had to press my hand firmly over my mouth to reign back those wild giggles that were about to spill and explode everywhere.. Which made me look really weird cause I was making small noises every time a laugh threatened to escape. Even now I find it funny, though it isn’t really, but back then, oh my goodness, I found it priceless… Pure gold…

Yeah… I’m actually really tired… and hungry, so I’ll end on this note. I was gonna write about more. Hopefully I’ll be able to write about the really cute guy in my maths class and about Grace. I was gonna at that to this blog but I’m practically nodding off.

I hope you have a nice day.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

I Have a Thing For Curly Hair…

Cats are so frickin’ cute…

Imagine if for your whole life you thought you were a boy and then one day you found out that your parents were lying to you and that you are, indeed, a girl…

I don’t why I brought that up. That has nothing to do with today’s post but it just came into my head so I thought ‘What the heck, might as well…’

The topic isn’t something I normally talk about because it’s always been an awkward topic for me. Plus I don’t care that much about- talking about it, I mean. Today I’m going to be talking about hair love and relationships.

The reason I’m bringing up this topic now is because of a disagreement Tori and I have been having. There’s this guy that she likes and she thinks he’s super hot but I don’t see it. His eyes are really pretty, but that’s about it. To show her what true hotness looks like, I showed her this guy in my maths class who I sit behind and constantly stare at. I think he’s noticed me staring at him, because I always try to catch a glimpse of him face… He must think I’m a weirdo… But the first time I saw him, I was totally taken by him and I thanked the Lord that I dropped further maths and took mechanics (and bio). In my opinion, this guy looks like an angel. I cannot use mere words to describe him… and yet Tori goes ahead and uses the word ‘okay’. She says he’s ‘okay’. I tell her she needs to get her eyes checked causes he’s an 11, not a 5.I mean, he has GORGEOUS dark curly hair and a beautiful face and even the back of his head is cute. He’s got this cute voice and his laugh is really loud but for some reason I find that cute too.

He’s just awesome, okay? Awesome. Tori thought he was transgender cause he’s too feminine. I told her I was sure he didn’t have boobs or anything but I do have to admit, I suspect he’s gay.I feel silly thinking that just because his voice reminds me of every gay youtuber I know and because he looks effeminate. I don’t like to give into stereotypes mostly because I hate it when people turn assumptions into facts. I’m a scientist- I don’t work that way. But recently, I keep thinking that I have a really good gaydar because I swear, every guy I lust over turns out to be gay… I do kinda wish he were gay (he’d make the PERFECT uke) but also not because I’d never have a chance with him (#fujoshi_problems… why did I just hashtag…) At this rate I won’t ever get a boyfriend…

But back to my main point… relationships. I remember back in high school and even back in primary school how important relationships were. I remember talking about how far we had gotten with boys (In primary school too). Since all the other girls were interested in boys, it had become one of my life long goals to get a boyfriend. I know, how lame… But can you blame me when the word ‘boyfriend’ is all I’ve ever heard since I was a young girl.

When I finally realised that I didn’t really want a boyfriend, I thought I was asexual for 2 years. But then I realised that wasn’t it- I just didn’t want to get into a relationship because I hadn’t found someone I really liked. Now get ready for some sappy emotional stuff.

But then I did find someone I cared for a lot and I know this isn’t going to sound convincing after talking about how I’ve been lusting over the guy in my maths class. I met Phoenix. And ,yes, I had known her three years prior to that time but it was two year ago that I began to see the real her and I’m not going to spend the rest of this post talking about how awesome she is but I just have to say this.

I know this sounds absolutely stupid because I’m only 16, but I really do think that she is the one, that we are meant to be together and I can’t tell you why cause that complicated and confidential stuff and, not to mention, embarrassing. I just feel different towards her, like I’ve never  felt towards anyone else. It feels like she’s the most important person in my life, that she keeps me hanging in there and I always want to be by her side- to help her, to listen to her, to be there for her. Since I started liking her, I don’t care about being with anyone else. It’s like she’s the only one for me and everyone else (potential boy/girlfriends) is irrelevant.

I think I should stop there before this post gets weirder…

I’m not going to say whether this is love or not because I literally have zero experience in that field.

Plus I might explode with cringe overload if I do.

I just wanted to share my thoughts.

I apologise for the lack of posts lately. I have my mocks in 2 weeks so I’m like ‘REVISE REVISE REVISE!!!’ It’s a boring life…

I’ll be sure to post at some point between now and then. I may not have time though… If you’re into anime/manga, be sure to check out my other blog. My reviews are fairly short so they don’t take long to write so I might have time for those.

Be sure to check it out.

And don’t forget to… eat your veggies…

Yeah…

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Coming Out.

There’s something I need to tell you… I’M NOT A SQUIRREL, I’M A CHIPMUNK!!!

JK JK I kid you. I’m 100% a nut loving creature… historically of course… Hahahaha! Honestly… Where do I  come up with these jokes???

Almost like I drew this, right?

Yes. Coming out. As in proclaiming your gayness. Out loud. For the whole world to know. Gayness. Not fruitiness.

Normally when I’m retelling something or talking about myself, I put the post in the category ‘Dear Diary’ or at least I try to. Now… Notice how this isn’t in ‘Dear Diary’. Now slowly realise that no, this is not about my coming out story because I have not come out and nor do I plan to anytime soon.

But just think about it… The concept of coming out. Whenever someone comes out I always feel this profound admiration to be able to say it loud and proud. In actual fact I only happen to have on non-straight friend who actually happened to be my crush, Phoenix. Her coming out to me was quite a shock to me, even though I kind of knew she was bi. Or at least not straight. Well actually she’s pan but I don’t want to go into all the technicalities and whatnot soooo… One day, during exams, we were talking at lunch and I guess we somehow got into the context of sexuality and brainwashing children to be straight, I don’t know… Something about sexuality and as she was stating her view, she said mid-sentence ‘Well I’m bi so,’ and she just continued talking. When she told me I just nodded while simultaneously thinking,

 

‘YEEEEEESSSSS! I STAND A CHANCE!!! CELEBRATE GOOD TIME COME ON DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO. CELE…’

and

‘The way she just outright said it… She must be some amazing new creature that can bluntly be so open… Wow…’

 

Then afterwards, she asked me if I was okay with it. This time I was simultaneously thinking,

‘That’s more like it… No one can be that outright, especially when I know she’s a little secretive.’

and

‘No. Of course I’m not okay with it because bi is obviously another word for murderer…’ I felt like saying that second one because Phoenix is one of the few people that enjoy my sense of humour. But instead of that I said. ‘Of course!’ And sounded like the typical straight girl- ‘It’s okay that you’re semi-gay but now it’s a little awkward to be around you…’

I don’t know why you have to be seen differently because now you’re openly gay instead of closeted gay. I mean, if you think about it, that person has always been gay but you just didn’t know it. It’s not like they suddenly ‘turned’. Unless they did… Weird…

Now, back to my main point…

What exactly is my main point…?

Is there really a point in coming out at all? I’ve watched a few gay movies, most of which (I’m sorry to say) I didn’t like cause they were… just not there. Just… not all that great… But like I watched G.B.F which I thought was hilarious and I remember (what’s his name…?) the main character’s flamboyant best friend who wanted this grand dramatic coming out and whenever I hear stories about coming, I just think that nobody else really needs to know other than friends and family… Maybe not even them! I think coming out is a great way to let other gay/semi-gay people know you are available but I don’t have another good reason.

I don’t think I could ever come out cause it’s just so awkward and one of the worst reactions (other than bullying, abuse and people avoiding me etc.) is people being like ‘Okaaay?? Why are you telling me this???’ And then I’d be like, ‘I honestly don’t know…’

 

Even though I don’t see the point in coming out, I still did to a couple of my friends. Though I wasn’t like random of anything like…

Cinnamon: So hey, did you see ‘Brooklyn Nine Nine’ last night?’

Me: I LIKE GIRLS!

Cinnamon: Okaaay??? That’s nice, I guess…

 

It was more like:

Me: Hey, you know I kinda have a crush on Phoenix.

Cinnamon: Oh okay.

 

That was how I told them. So I’ve never actually ever used the word ‘I like girls.’ or ‘I’m bi.’ or anything like that.

I was gonna write about my coming out to two of my other friends but I pressed something and I lost everything I wrote.

 

Cue sad music.

 

Man, I hate that!

Maybe another time. At least that means technically I do not need to put this in dear diary.

 

This was sort of a random post but recently I’ve been addicted to Kingsley and Tyler Oakley and I’ve been watching a lot of gay YouTubers for one reason or another…

I want to be as flawless as Kingsley but I will never achieve such pure flawlessness. Cue sad music.

 

I’ll end here cause I’m still pretty pissed about typing a whole essay and just having it deleted just like that.

 

Cue Linkin Park

 

I’m hungry.

~EpicCupcake signing out.