Our First Conversation in a Year

Our first conversation in a year

It was more of a grunt than a scream.

By the way, this pic refers to an earlier post –> click me :3

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Social Anxiety: Challenge Accepted!

Social Anxiety?

Short post! (Hopefully!)

Sorry, I’m feeling a little hyper right now.

Today I was going about with my day as normal when something struck me.

They say that the best way to confront a fear is to face it. I’m not about to fill a bucket of spiders and throw my hand inside. No, I’m going to challenge social anxiety. Now, that I’m writing (typing) this, I feel like I’m going a little crazy, but I thought about it and figured that if I expose myself to ‘social’, I’ll reduce the ‘anxiety’.

So I’ve decided to do one thing every week that I would normally never do because I’m too scared to do it. Small things though. Perhaps say something to someone I wouldn’t normally open my mouth around. And to make sure I don’t get bored of it, I’ll give it a points system, like the CBT depression app thingy has. I don’t know what it is that makes points so appealing… The more daring, the more points- that’s how it’ll work.

And I guess it doesn’t have to be exclusively limited to talking to people. I could give myself a point for doing something in public I wouldn’t do or not having a panic attack if I see a spider. The other day I even dared to take a picture of the sky. Yeah, I know it’s not much of an accomplishment, but it’s something I’m scared of doing. Lame, I know.

It feels a little far-fetched though. I don’t believe that this little experiment/challenge will cure me. It probably won’t, but I think it’ll make a good start.

I’ll think of something to do tomorrow. I really hope this works because my social anxiety, or whatever this is, really bugs me and stops me from being… well, me!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

It feels like forever since…

…I last made a post.

…I was Grace’s friend.

…I could actually open my mouth and talk when I felt like talking.

Thoughts

I’m sorry that I haven’t actually posted anything, or even been on WordPress at all, since some days ago. Maybe you might not realise it, but I do and I feel a bit guilty since I said that I’d post regularly… But I swear, this time I wasn’t procrastinating! I was actually doing homework, revising and being plagued by problems constantly.

It feels like my bad luck is striking me again. That day I made that post (‘A Thought:…’ Was it?) I was experiencing my bad luck’s evil works. The darn buses were failing me. When I was coming out of school that day, I just missed this bus and when I checked the bus times, it said the next one was in 10 or 20 minutes and there was no way on earth I was waiting that long in the cold. So I waited for another bus at another bus stop that was coming fairly soon… but it was full and the bus driver closed the door on this old lady when she was trying to go in. How sad… Buses are just cruel.

In addition to that, I’ve lost a number of things:

  • Four pens
  • One pen lid
  • My 30cm ruler that folds in half (I loved that ruler)
  • My oyster card (Just when I about to get on the bus)
  • My prefect badge (Spent a whole lunch time looking for it on the street and was almost late back to school)
  • My P.E. kit and other stuff.

Now, I found most of these things though they caused me trouble to find. My prefect badge was the worst because I realised it was missing after I had my P.E. lesson at the leisure center so I panicked. It could’ve been anywhere! My friend Cinnamon helped me look for it though which was nice of her (Grace wouldn’t have done that for me *puffs out cheeks*) What made it worse was that as we were walking back, we realised we were walking a different way from before so the badge could’ve been on the other side of the road but we could cross to check because we only had 5 minutes to get back to school and at that point we already needed 10! We got back on time, though (a cover teacher took the register)

I found it in the end… in my SCHOOL BAG.

But enough about losing things. I’m more worried about other things. Like friends for example. I know that I should be 100000000 times grateful for my friends, but I can’t help but feel lonely, like I don’t fit in. I want to become part of their ‘official’ friendship group, but I don’t know them that well, and they don’t know me. It’ll be kind of hard. I sometimes feel jealous of Grace, how she has that perfect friendship group that I used to have… with her and my friend who refuses to step into school at all. I’m a lone wolf now and although I don’t like it, I’ll have to live with it. I’ve got my life so I have to live it and leave pain behind because it’ll only hinder me…

…that’s why I spoke to Grace for the first time in a month on Thursday. I just said hi with this goofy smile on my face and she responded with that same goofy smile, as if nothing had happened, as if we were still friends. Of course it got awkward when we had nothing to speak about, so I said ‘see ya in English!’ and went to buy some juice for the lunch that I didn’t eat because I was looking for that bloody badge.

That moment kind of gave me hope. Hope that one day, we’d become friends again- best friends- and that our friendship would always last. But I read too much fiction. This is reality, and it’s a lot harder to predict what will happen in the future based on one moment. I knew that Grace had moved on, and I have too. We can’t get stuck in the past because I know how it’ll end up (and this actually contradicts what I said earlier but I know that nothing good can come out of that).

I decided that I didn’t want to be Grace’s best friend, but that I’d settle for just a friend or acquaintance because it’s better that way. I don’t want us to be enemies anymore. I don’t want it to be awkward between us anymore and I know that to move on, we can’t avoid each other so we have to get along in a way that doesn’t hold us back.

At first I was a little skeptical that my little plan/idea would work, because she never really came out and talked to me after that (I only talked to her once after that), but (and I know this sounds stupid) yesterday she asked me for my rubber casually. She actually turned around and addressed me and I was glad that finally the air has become less suffocating around us. Maybe we’ll start talking again. Maybe we won’t. But at least we’re slowly moving on.

One funny thing I just realised was that was how our friendship started in the first place. Not that she asked me for a rubber, rather I asked her for some scissors… and kept asking over and over because I was too lazy to buy my own. Funny way to start a friendship.

Apart from my problems with bad luck, feeling lonely and Grace (I miss calling her Backstabber, the name kind of grew on me. But I promised I’d stop after a month so…), I’m still dealing with my unstable emotions and my social anxiety.

I think my music teacher is starting to notice my strange behaviour: how I sometimes stare right at a teacher (her included), and sometimes I can’t hold someone’s gaze for very long and end up looking down after 2 seconds, and how I always seem to not to be able to see people when I’m walking out of school. Maybe I’m being a little paranoid (I am) but I think recently she’s been paying more attention to me, saying hi to me when I see her in the canteen or when I’m walking out of school looking at the opposite direction to were she was walking, pretending I never saw her in the first place. I think she knows that I’m shy. No, perhaps more than shy because I know a lot of shy people who seem outgoing compared to me.

I wonder why I do that. I wonder why I can’t hold people’s gazes and look away embarrassed and then feel like punching myself for looking away so obviously. I wonder why I always see people but pretend that I never saw them in the first place. I’m very observant, you know. Well, most of the time. And why do I hold people’s gaze for so long with a straight face? I do this to my french teacher almost all the time. Why on earth do I do that?!

But I guess my shyness isn’t so bad. I’m pushing myself to talk to people who sit next to me and I think it’s working because I feel more comfortable than I did before. This doesn’t mean that I have the confidence to actually hold a conversation (or their gaze for that matter) but I’m getting there!

I’m really worried about my speaking exams though. I was lucky during my spanish one, because even though my mind went blank, I had practised it so much that it just flew out of my mouth. I got an A* for that and I’m proud of myself. During my french, on the other hand, I was extremely nervous because I had to learn it during exam week in year 10, my french teach was pissed because I missed the time I was supposed to do the speaking (I just didn’t go), and being alone with my french teacher was nerve-wrecking in itself…  I managed to speak it with as much fluency as I could muster, but I spoiled it when I shouted ‘NO!’ when I mixed up a certain word. I realised it was a stupid thing to do because the word I said fit the sentence perfectly. I got an A. I almost cried because I was expecting my grade to drop seriously with the stupid ‘NO!’.

This year I’m more worried because I felt that my other speaking were just a stroke of luck and… I’m not having any luck at all (except bad luck). But for me it’s not so much the remembering part that I need to worry about. It’s my nerves. Before my spanish last year, I spent the time most people used to practise to calm myself down and breathe. It didn’t work; my heart raced and my mind went blank as my teacher said ‘GCSE’.

Just as I was lucky with my speaking, I was lucky with my music solo. But my music ensemble went terribly and I fear that the same will happen for my speaking exams this December. I already feel overloaded with revision and my piano exam and with my science prefect board that I feel like exploding. That might be why my mood has been acting up. One day I’m fine, the next day I’m fed up and then I’m just upset and then I’m happy. I’m not enjoying being a teenager.

The science prefect board, by the way, is a board for the science prefects to write about any subject in science or stick up posters and whatnot. The science teachers have told us to write stuff about the environment and I was not happy about that. I wanted to go into quantum physics! I wanted to do this cool poster called ‘How to Make an Atom!’ and write it like a recipe. Okay, it was a lot cooler in my head.

We decided to divide the board into chemistry, biology and physics and I was put in charge of chem. I wanted to do physics and write about radiation and go into detail and explain alpha, beta and gamma radiation and talk about the bosons that actually caused this but no… I was stuck with chemistry. But I like chemistry, I really do, but all I could think of that was about the environment was greenhouse gases and acid rain, and I really didn’t want to write about them.

But then I was struck with an idea. I could go into significant detail about global warming and explain how the structure of greenhouse gases caused the greenhouse effect. Bad idea… I found out that it was a bit complicated and I had to read a few other sources to gather the basic understandings. And then I thought, if it took me a while to understand it, how would a ks3 student or even a ks4 student or even the triple science class understand it? I already had the basic understandings of things like electronegativity and chemical polarity and I still don’t understand some of it!

But them I thought, some people don’t question things like I do, so if I explained it as simply as I could whilst still going into detail, no one would really care.

Who even looks at that board anyway? (Actually, it might be a lot of people because there like four clases that wait in the corridor with that board)

Honestly, it would’ve been easier if I did the atom thing. It’s easy to explain and easier to understand.

Enough about science though.

I started reading this book called ‘Hush Hush’ and it’s actually really good. I thought it wouldn’t be, because my sister has read it. I never trust anything my sister reads because I feel that our interests are different. To my surprise, they’re quite similar. I wasn’t quite sure that I’d like it, but I was desperate to read something because I had just finished ‘Slither’s Tale’ and I wondered how long it would be till I read the next book ‘Alice’. I can’t wait! But I was foolish to start a book series. I was planning to read something as I reserved and waited for the book ‘The Fault in Our Stars’. Which Cinnamon recommended. She also said that Hush Hush was really good so now I have faith in the book. I totally trust Cinn’s choice. She’s actually reading Les Misérables at the moment which like 1200 pages long (it’s massive) and she let me read a small passage that talked about consciousness and it was just so poetic and I loved it. I wanted to read the book, but it’s way too long. I don”t think I could carry that around with me. But today I watched the movie, which was actually a musical. It was a great story and I loved it despite the fact that my sister was talking and complaining all through it. I hate watching things with her…

I haven’t read a lot of it, so despite what any says, my favourite part of Hush Hush has to be the beginning, when Chauncey was like ‘I AM THE DUC DU LANGEAIS!!! But I do like the part with Patch and Nora.

Speaking about stories, I recently started this challenge called NANOWRIMO which I think stands for ‘National Novel Writing Month’. I was lucky to catch it earlier  on this month because you had to write a novel (50,000 words) in 30 days and submit it at least one minute before the 1st of December. I started it but never finished; I have my GSCE exams in December and I can’t afford to write. It hurts though, I love writing stories and I was determined to write this novel, but I don’t have the time so I’m going to have to leave it. Maybe next time. Hopefully they’ll be something that’s happening this summer. I’ll be starting afresh in August next year so I don’t have to worry about studying or revising. I can just focus on reading, writing, making songs, watching/reading anime/manga, sleeping, watching movies and possibly learning Japanese. I only know the basics and I really want to learn how to speak it at least, but I need to continue learning my verbs.

This post is really long so I’ll stop here. I also need to revise again because I didn’t do any yesterday because I was occupied with my ideas for the chem section. I’m soooooo tired. I could fall asleep right now…

Oh, one last thing! Cloud’s birthday is coming up and I don’t know what to get her! I considered asking her but I didn’t for two reasons:

  1. I think gifts should be more of a surprise
  2. She’d tell me ‘Anything is fine!’

So if you know what I could give to a sixteen year old girl, PLEASE tell me. I know it’s weird, but I don’t know what most girls like. I just want notebooks… seriously (I got three last Christmas 🙂 )

But, wow, Cloud is going to be 16. I swear in America you can drive at sixteen. I can’t imagine Cloud driving; that’d be too weird…

Okay, now I’m done.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Procrastination is my Middle Name

WHAT THE-!

No, it isn’t.

But I’ve been procrastinating a lot since Thursday and I haven’t been blogging since what feels like forever so I really wanted to make a post.

But the thing is, I haven’t really got anything in particular to talk about, so I’ll just talk about what’s been going on recently and what I’ve been thinking about and feeling and stuff. Try not to fall a sleep halfway through, okay?

This half term was supposed to be my revision week and although I didn’t take it seriously on Monday, on Tuesday and Wednesday I really did some hard-core revision. A good 7+ hours each day, but after Thursday, I kind of gave up. I even spent the whole of Friday reading manga… and the same goes for today.

In case you’re wondering, I went out this Thursday to London with my primary school buddies. If I have to name them on my blog them I guess I’ll call them Cloud and Tori which is actually fairly close to their real names (I’m not feeling very imaginative today). So we, the three amigos went skipping around Covent Garden etc. looking around, talking, eating… I even saw this show with this man wearing a kilt, balancing on a ladder and juggling knives. He even stripped a little (a little?) which I was a bit surprised to see. I don’t think other people were as excited as I was. *Blush* Just kidding! 🙂 I even got to touch the London Eye which I know isn’t a great feat but I’m kind of into touching famous landmarks now, like the Eiffel Tower for example. I don’t get it why when I told them I would love to touch Big Ben, my friends started laughing.

And they call me dirty-minded.

Well, overall it was a great day, apart from the part when Cloud wanted to go into Lush and I had to stop myself from choking on their toxic fumes. (I’m over exaggerating, needless to say. It’s not that bad)

Thursday also happened to be Halloween and I was a bit upset that I couldn’t celebrate it. I didn’t even get to carve a pumpkin or watch a scary movie! Last Halloween, I spent it with Cloud and, of course she still has to haunt my thoughts, Backstabber. It was a great Halloween, we stayed at my house, pigged out on junk food and sweets, carved two pumpkins with my sister and her friends, and watched a totally age-inappropriate scary movie. I didn’t do any of that stuff this year and I’m starting to wonder if I’m getting too old for Halloween. I stopped trick-or-treating when I started high school; I thought it was too embarrassing and that I was too old for it, but I’m not sure if that’s true or not. 11 years old doesn’t sound too mature (my apologies to all 11 year olds who strongly disagree) so that might not be the case. Still, I’m 15 which I know is young but…

Well I think Halloween’s for everyone, regardless of age! I hope that when I’m 50, I’ll carve a pumpkin and I’ll like it! (That sounded a bit weird, I’m way too hyper today…)

You know, speaking of Halloween and Backstabber, I went on Facebook to check out the pictures Cloud had uploaded and wondered how Backstabber spent her Halloween. It only made sense that she hung out with a bunch of people I don’t know wearing a witch costume and acting like they were her besties from life, from the pictures she uploaded. Well as long as she actually enjoying herself, good for her. It seems like the pain seems less now, because I haven’t seen her in a week.

Now let’s talk about yesterday…

Oh yesterday…

Remember that list of things I said I’ll never do again? I’m adding something extra:

Cooking Rice.

Yesterday I was soooooo hungry and it was just me, my sister and my brother at home. The fridge was empty apart from yogurt, juice and eggs and some sauce. I was tired of snacking and it didn’t look like my sister was going to make anything any time soon, so I decided to boil some rice to eat with the sauce in the fridge. So I put the water, waited for it to boil, added the rice. It seemed like it was going well… that is until I checked it some minutes later. The water was about to over flow and so was the rice. I told my sister and she told me that I’d put too much rice. She had to transfer it to another pot and by the time it was done, the rice filled one whole pot and a bit of another one and I thought:

‘Oh Lord help me, I’m so dead.’

I was so scared about what my parents would do, but in the end, when they came back, they just laughed at me to told me that I have to finish all the rice. That rice fills two plastic containers at the moment and this is after I’ve eaten three platefuls. Of course, they told me that I didn’t have to finish it, but I feel seriously guilty and so that’s all I’ve been eating for the past few days and I think it’s made my eczema worse, but the rice! THE RICE!!! I can’t rest until it’s all finished. So I’ll have to suck it up, take some antihistamines and eat that bloody rice. It doesn’t help that my sister is refusing to eat it. Oh well. We all make mistakes, eh?

Well, I’m off to go and eat some more rice (just kidding, I already had some which I was writing 😉 ) so I’ll finish here. I’ll hopefully be blogging more frequently when school starts again.

I’m sick of rice…

Happy November, by the way.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Peanut’s Oddities

EDIT: I was supposed to post this last night but it didn’t upload for some reason. I’m uploading it now because I spent a good long time sitting on the floor in darkness to write this (don’t ask)
I feel a bit guilty today.
You see, I got my progress report yesterday, and yeah this isn’t very modest, but it was really good and I felt relieved. Perhaps I was working hard. But today I COMPLETELY procrastinated so I felt like I was taking it easy and being a bit big-headed. Oh well, what’s done is done. From Monday onwards I’ll be doing some hardcore revision! I’ll even do some this weekend too!

Back to the topic.
This is a really random post, but today (or rather tonight because I’m still doing this nightly posting… That is, until my internet runs out…) I’m going to talk about some of my weird habits, just so you can know more about me and the weirdo I am. 🙂 So, what shall I write first?

1. I pace around every morning at six o’clock.
Just because I’m brushing my teeth really. There’s no other reason to pace around at 6 am. But it’s not just the morning. I pace at random times, especially when I’m getting changed after coming home from school. I just can’t seem to stay in one place! In fact, just now before I started writing, I was pacing back and forth, into my room and out. I thought it was weird and I tried to stop, but I got this kind of tingling feeling in my legs so I just continued.
But, you know, when I pace, I’m normally deep in thought, which explains why I get a lot of my story ideas when I’m brushing my teeth. Even just walking to school gets my brain working and I think a lot about science and philosophy and attempt to conjure up theories to explain things. I sometimes come up with bizarre ideas though.

2. When it comes to speaking, I won’t open my mouth if the person is three or more meters away from me.
It’s a little rule I have for no reason whatsoever but I hate breaking it. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I break it sometimes, though rarely, in cases where the person speaks to me. It would just be horrible not to reply.

3. Another rule similar to this is to not turn around if someone calls my name.
I have to wait until they say it twice, even if I’m fairly close (in terms of friendship, not distance) to them. It’s weird though, because there’s no one in my year with my name…

4. I give different types of cutlery numerical values to satisfy my need for order.
Basically, you know how, when you wash dishes, you put the cutlery in these two little box thingies that let them dry. Well, I always make sure that the ‘values’ on both sides are equal and when they’re not, I start shifting them around, changing the individual values and whatnot. It can be really frustrating sometimes.

5. I’m scared of turning off the light.
I know being afraid of the dark is normal, but it’s not that. In fact, right now I’m sitting on the floor in darkness which is, now that I think about it, pretty spooky, but I’m pretty much over my fears of the dark. No, what I’m talking about is when I’m walking up to my room for some reason and notice that someone’s left their light on. I’d feel guilty for leaving it on and wasting electricity, so I go to turn it off but before I can flick the switch, I feel uncomfortable; like someone’s watching me. And that if I turn the light off, they’ll be angry, so I leave the light on and pretend I was never there. 

6. I hardly answer the phone.
I’m too scared to, so I go to great efforts to avoid answering it. I’m so good at ignoring it that sometimes I don’t even hear the phone ringing!

7. I check the corners of the ceiling before I sleep.
No, I’m not scouting for vampires. No, something much worse… Spiders… They scare the life out of me and there’s nothing that unsettled me more than a spider. Not even public speaking!

8. I pick my nails.
It’s a habit that I started a very very long time ago. Back when my eczema was really bad, my nails would be full with dead skin from all the scratching and the oils and creams I used only made the contents of my nails worse. Nowadays, my eczema isn’t so unbearable so my nails aren’t as bad, but the habit stayed with me. I’m always picking the tiniest bit of dirt from my nails so they are actually pretty clean. And even when they are clean, I still pick them because it’s something that I have to control over. I especially do it when I’m listening to someone or when I’m bored or when I’m nervous or just randomly. And it doesn’t help that my nails are long because that only encourages me to do it.
Gosh, I hope you don’t think I’m gross now.

9. I rarely call people by their name.
I don’t five nicknames either. It just feels so uncomfortable to call someone by their name and it doesn’t help that I’m a socially awkward person. When I do call people’s names, I say it in a soft voice as I normally do when talking to people in general. Some people don’t apply to this ‘rule’ so I guess it’s not that bad… Still, I don’t know how I’ll my teachers by their names in college. That’ll be hell.

10. I always have a ‘spot’.
It’s no surprise that people compare me with Sheldon Cooper and it’s not just because of my love of quantum physics and… physics in general. For every place I stay in repeatedly for a long, I have a spot. In my form room, I have two spots which allows me to have an alternative which is better because before, I had one spot and would actually challenge anyone who sat there. It’s the same at home as well and probably other places, like in the hall during an assembly. I normalsly sit I’m the third seat at the front and last week another form got there before us and my space was taken. I was heart broken. Okay, maybe I was that upset…

So those are some weird things about me! Believe it or not, it was hard to come up with this list, probably because I’m so weird that a lot of these things seem normal to me.

Well I’ll stop here because the floor is very uncomfortable and I’m cold. And tired. I’m always tired…
Till next time.

~EpicCupcake

signing out.

Open Day!

Today I went to a college open day, the one linked to my school, and looked around. I was feeling a little nervous at first because I was originally planning to go with Backstabber (yes, I’m still calling her that) but then she… kind of… abandoned me…

So I was thinking of going with one of my other friends. I was reluctant to ask, I’m shy like that, so I opened with:

‘Are you going to the [insert college name here] college open day?’

She told me that she was and I lied and said that I wasn’t sure if my mum could take me (she indeed could) and then she told me that she was going with her parents. So then I thought,

‘Why do I feel I have to go with a friend? Why do I have to be so dependent? It was my dependence that made Backstabber’s backstabbing sting so much after all so why can’t I go on my own? (with my of course)’

So I did. And I came really late because… well that’s just how my family are…

It just so happened that my mum’s friend was going to the open day too. She has a daughter- let’s call her Sandy. Sandy’s my age and it was her who wanted to visit the college so we were all going to meet up. Normally I’d dread something like that. I’d met Sandy before but I never really spoke to her- I was too shy to utter a word. But since my friendship ended with Backstabber, I feel like I’ve been forced into coming out of my shell (whoa, deja vu…) so I’ve been quite daring though I’m sure most normal people would disagree.

When we met Sandy and her mum. I said hi like normal, attempting to make eye contact (and failing) but then I did something I would’ve never expected to ever do-

I started a conversation.

And just like that we were talking, about college, possible subjects and whatnot. I didn’t feel shy at all nor scared and I really enjoyed myself! Normally I’d just avoid talking to others because I had Backstabber, but now I felt oddly confident.

I was still shy around the second years who were stationed at the different departments (though it wasn’t just second years; I recognised some recent ex-students from my school) but I managed to talk and try and maintain eye contact.

I was even lucky to see some of my friends from school (It wasn’t really luck, I knew most students from my school were coming) and I said hi and even talked to Ann for a bit in the canteen and met her parents though I already knew her mum (she’s a teacher).

It was really funny seeing everyone’s face when I told them I was taking all sciences and maths. Their jaws literally dropped. Perhaps there’s a lot more in store for me in college than I thought… Oh well, it’s not going to change my mind. Maybe…

I even saw Backstabber today- you know, the Backstabber who seems to have a million friends and sits on a lunch table that’s fit to burst and, as well as that, she has two close friends who have replaced me. That Backstabber happened to be alone, not even with her mum or dad, and this I found strange. I expected her to be at least be with Mandy if not surrounded by her many friends. Not even a boy was accompanying her. Nope, she was by herself.

I kind of smiled when I saw her, not because I enjoyed seeing her by herself and understanding a little bit about being alone especially in a place that’s unfamiliar. In fact, that thought never came across my mind (*evil grin*) no, seriously. I smiled because at that point, it was clear. Without me, she was practically alone. I don’t really know if she can call anyone her ‘friend’. Perhaps Mandy and her other close friend, but then again she hasn’t known Mandy for a long time- not as long as she’s known me at least. She seemed kind of lost. She looks like that in school sometimes, when Mandy isn’t with her.

She always tried her best around others, I noticed. Doing crazy things to get attention and then telling people all these things and denying it later. She created this bad image of herself to get attention and it worked, but people aren’t always as they seem. They may be treating you like a goddess because you’ve kissed an adult or lost your virginity, but behind your back they call you a slut.

She knew that with me, she could be herself. I’m not sure if it was because she trusted me or because she knew how dependent and weak I am. You know, one thing people always called us was the ‘old married couple’ though not because we were so close, because we argued about pointless things (and later laughed at them) and just as I depended on her, she depended on me. But, now that I think about it, we were kind of, dare I say it, ‘lost’ when we weren’t together. We could never be ourselves. (Geez Louise, this sounds like some kind of romantic comedy…)

Now that we’re not friends anymore, she seems even more lost. This may just be because of my odd perspective, but now she seems different. Fake. Faker than she’s ever been and maybe I’m not the only one to notice. I, on the other hand, am not throwing myself at people. I’m holding back and, at the same time, trying my hardest, but not for acceptance, for true friends, rather.

Sure it means that sometimes I have to slap on a smile even if I don’t feel like it, but I’m trying to be as natural as I can. I won’t throw myself, but I won’t withdraw either. I’ll just… walk.

I’m talking (writing) weird again. Sorry if none of this made sense. It doesn’t make sense to me as I writing this, but it makes sense in my head.

This post was supposed to be about college for goodness sake!

Can you believe that Backstabber started telling my sister crap about why she stopped being my friend? Crap like ‘I’m tired of listening about atoms’. Well, Backstabber, why don’t you listen for once, so that you don’t get an E when she’s in bloody triple science?! She’s so bloody selfish, rude and arrogant and not to mention a liar, I swear. I guess everyone is a little fake, but she’s something else. I wonder where that’ll get her.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Well, that’s one hurdle…

Miss backstabber hasn’t said a word to me other than ‘can I borrow your pen?’ And a very dull ‘thanks’. It’s hard to not think about her, how she hurt me and wondering if she’ll one day apologise or act like this never happened. I know, or at least believe that that’ll never happen and to be honest, it’s best that it doesn’t.
But I’m trying my best to forget about her by not speaking to her or acknowledging her for at least a month. After that, I’ll decide whether I want to be her friend or not.
In the meantime, I’ve downloaded a little ‘helper’ to help me cope with the pain of being let down and the anxiety to socialize because, let’s face it, I’m pretty much alone now except for a couple or friends. Backstabber is hanging out with the rest of my friends so it’s kind of awkward. Her and Mandy seem like besties now. I hate it when Mandy looks at me, now that I know what she thinks about me (I can’t even sit anywhere near her for the fear of being judged. She has this snobby look and it’s really horrible.

I’m going off topic.

So recently I downloaded this app called SAM (self-help anxiety management) that was recommended by another WordPress user ages ago. I couldn’t download it at that time because I had a blackberry, but my sister gave me her old HTC so I’m using that now.

I’ve only had it for a day so I can’t say it made a profound difference to my life, but it does actually help. It helps me calm down if I feel stressed, anxious if upset and gives information and a means of managing your anxiety. I know SAM isn’t magic and it won’t transform me overnight or even in a month if I don’t make an effort. It’s me who has to make the difference; SAM is only helping me do that.

I love all of the activities especially the calm breathing one and this picture one but the best has to be the one where you type a thought and then explode it. You won’t believe how many times I typed in backstabber’s name (just once, I’m not that weird)

As I’ve mentioned earlier, I totally messed up my GCSE ensemble piece- it was a disgrace- and I was supposed to do it tomorrow but my music teacher moved it to today. I was a bit nervous but after exploding ‘piano failure’ I felt that I could do it. My teacher took a while before she was ready to record me, but this was good; it gave me enough time to get accustomed to the keys. I could play it well without making mistakes, I realised. It was only the fear that was holding me back. So I did some of the exercises/activities on SAM and practised some more before miss came back. As sure got the recording device ready and sat next to me on the stool, I felt my the tension rising. Hearing her say ‘This is Peanut playing her GCSE ensemble piece.’ I felt like sinking into the earth and nece coming out. Then I has to begin. It started off okay, but then I started to feel the pressure. I wasn’t even midway in the piece when my heart started pounded furiously in my chest. All I could feel was the impending doom coming my way. But then after a horrifying minute or so, I smashed the last keys on the piano, producing my final chord.

It was finished.

Done.

Complete.

I would never have to play the beautiful yet wretched piece again… That is, until my music teacher increased the volume of the piano and said ‘now let’s do it again of full volume so we can hear the dynamics properly.
I begged her and begged her not to make me play it again. It was after school. I wanted to go home. I was still trembling from the last time but in the end I gave in. I still had the original so it couldn’t hurt to try again to aim for better marks.

The second time was better because I made an effort with the dynamics but I did make a tiny mistake that was hardly noticeable though I knew my teacher would notice. I played a note a little longer then a should have and I guess only people familiar with the piece would notice… And probably an examiner. Oh well. My heart had pounded the same way the first time, but in addition to that, my leg was shaking violently and I PRAYED that my teacher wouldn’t notice; it was SO embarrassing!

My teacher had to leave to continue with auditions for, what I thought to be, RnB band and I stayed in that room for a good ten minutes trying to get my leg to stop shaking. I did some more activities on SAM and felt better. Now I’m not shaking so much!

So in the end I wasn’t able to overcome my anxiety from playing that particular piece, but at least I was able to play it through without any major disasters… or crying. So that’s something!
Now it’s back to homework sweet homework so I’ve got to go and explode some more thoughts.

Until then!

~EpicCupcake signing out.