My New Year Resolutions are proving to be tough, though the year only just started. As I though, I’ve already started to try and eat more vegetables and stuff and I did star jumps and sit ups yesterday, but I’m not really making progress on my social anxiety (if it is social anxiety, whatever this is…). I went out today to visit a family friend and for the whole time I was there, I didn’t speak to anyone except to say if I could have juice and what are my plans for the future etc. I pretty much just sat there.
I know it’s only the second of January and I shouldn’t really be worrying about this now, but not long ago my mum forced me to vacuum the house and as soon as I touched the vacuum cleaner, it broke. Just like that. I fixed it with some tape and it was fine to use but I got really mad, nonetheless and as I vacuumed, I rammed it into the wall repeatedly. I was angry because I break everything I touch. Of all the phones I’ve had, I’ve either smashed them or they’ve gone missing, all within a year of having them. I’ve never had a phone for more than a year. And they break in the most ridiculous ways. When I started high school, my dad got me my first phone. I smashed it with the car door when it accidentally fell out of my bag as I shut the door. My mum gave me her old phone to use. I lost it.The next phone my dad bought, I dropped it in a park in Italy. It had a crack in the screen and I was seriously confused. A crack from falling in a park. Well… okay, the park had, like, stones so that might be why… I think then I got my mum’s old blackberry. I stepped on it with my boots. I never normally wear anything with heals, but than day I happened to be wearing them… Just my luck… I got my sister’s old blackberry afterwards, and although to this day I haven’t broken it, my sister did. That’s my horrible history with phones. And it’s not just phones. I break everything…
So after vowing that I’d change myself this year, I did something that my old self would have always done. Suddenly, I thought, ‘This is a sign. My year’s going to be horrible.’ And I even convinced myself that I wouldn’t be able to talk and I would never make friends etc. etc. I just imagined myself in college, all by myself, feeling miserable everyday.
And while I was thinking of all this, there was a voice inside of my head that was like, ‘Hey! Slow down, a sec!’ I didn’t want to listen and kept wallowing in my self-pity and conjuring up all these scenarios. My dad came home after I finished vacuuming and he asked me what was wrong. I told him about the vacuum cleaner. Afterwards he asked me, ‘So, did the vacuum cleaner hurt you?’. My dad’s sense of humour is truly something else, but he made a good point and after I came back up, I took a moment to calm down and think logically, like a true scientist. The voice took over and showed me how irrational I was being. I broke one tiny piece of plastic and all of a sudden the earth below me will open up and I’ll be dragged to the furthest corner of hell to whinge and moan for all eternity. Stupid, right?
Breaking things isn’t good, but at least it showed me that I am starting to get better to the point where I can recognise my irrational thinking. As far as I’m concerned, that’s an accomplishment, not a failure.
And even so, we can’t be perfectionists. We can’t expect everything to go 100% well just because you are determined and then crash and burn when it’s only 99% or less. As they say, ‘Practice makes perfect.’ so practice means there’s got to be some obstacle along the way that’s guaranteed to make you fail at least once or twice.
So a new challenge: I’m going to try to stay positive. Staying positive keeps your passion burning. It makes you determined to achieve your goal. But first thing’s first, I’ve got to accept failure as a part of success. There will be times when I won’t talk, or when I’ll skip a meal or too or even overeat. There will be times when I’ll remember things from the past that belong in the past. As long as I stay positive and stay clear of irrational thinking, I’ll be okay. 🙂
~EpicCupcake signing out.