A Thought: Failure

My New Year Resolutions are proving to be tough, though the year only just started. As I though, I’ve already started to try and eat more vegetables and stuff and I did star jumps and sit ups yesterday, but I’m not really making progress on my social anxiety (if it is social anxiety, whatever this is…). I went out today to visit a family friend and for the whole time I was there, I didn’t speak to anyone except to say if I could have juice and what are my plans for the future etc. I pretty much just sat there.

I know it’s only the second of January and I shouldn’t really be worrying about this now, but not long ago my mum forced me to vacuum the house and as soon as I touched the vacuum cleaner, it broke. Just like that. I fixed it with some tape and it was fine to use but I got really mad, nonetheless and as I vacuumed, I rammed it into the wall repeatedly. I was angry because I break everything I touch. Of all the phones I’ve had, I’ve either smashed them or they’ve gone missing, all within a year of having them. I’ve never had a phone for more than a year. And they break in the most ridiculous ways. When I started high school, my dad got me my first phone. I smashed it with the car door when it accidentally fell out of my bag as I shut the door. My mum gave me her old phone to use. I lost it.The next phone my dad bought, I dropped it in a park in Italy. It had a crack in the screen and I was seriously confused. A crack from falling in a park. Well… okay, the park had, like, stones so that might be why… I think then I got my mum’s old blackberry. I stepped on it with my boots. I never normally wear anything with heals, but than day I happened to be wearing them… Just my luck… I got my sister’s old blackberry afterwards, and although to this day I haven’t broken it, my sister did. That’s my horrible history with phones. And it’s not just phones. I break everything…

So after vowing that I’d change myself this year, I did something that my old self would have always done. Suddenly, I thought, ‘This is a sign. My year’s going to be horrible.’ And I even convinced myself that I wouldn’t be able to talk and I would never make friends etc. etc. I just imagined myself in college, all by myself, feeling miserable everyday.

And while I was thinking of all this, there was a voice inside of my head that was like, ‘Hey! Slow down, a sec!’ I didn’t want to listen and kept wallowing in my self-pity and conjuring up all these scenarios. My dad came home after I finished vacuuming and he asked me what was wrong. I told him about the vacuum cleaner. Afterwards he asked me, ‘So, did the vacuum cleaner hurt you?’. My dad’s sense of humour is truly something else, but he made a good point and after I came back up, I took a moment to calm down and think logically, like a true scientist. The voice took over and showed me how irrational I was being. I broke one tiny piece of plastic and all of a sudden the earth below me will open up and I’ll be dragged to the furthest corner of hell to whinge and moan for all eternity. Stupid, right?

Breaking things isn’t good, but at least it showed me that I am starting to get better to the point where I can recognise my irrational thinking. As far as I’m concerned, that’s an accomplishment, not a failure.

And even so, we can’t be perfectionists. We can’t expect everything to go 100% well just because you are determined and then crash and burn when it’s only 99% or less. As they say, ‘Practice makes perfect.’ so practice means there’s got to be some obstacle along the way that’s guaranteed to make you fail at least once or twice.

So a new challenge: I’m going to try to stay positive. Staying positive keeps your passion burning. It makes you determined to achieve your goal. But first thing’s first, I’ve got to accept failure as a part of success. There will be times when I won’t talk, or when I’ll skip a meal or too or even overeat. There will be times when I’ll remember things from the past that belong in the past. As long as I stay positive and stay clear of irrational thinking, I’ll be okay. 🙂

~EpicCupcake signing out.

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Sayonara, the me of 2013. Make way for 2014!

What will you change?

What will you change?

I’m kind of excited for the new year… but that excitement will end when I get back to school. Ugh… Sorry, I just keep complaining.

But really, I want to make things right. for years I’ve been the same inflexible, annoying, aloof, contradictory person and I really, seriously, want to change. I’ve been having this little battle with myself. One side wants to open the door to new things and the other wants to keep it shut. But I know I can’t stay the way I am so I’m determined to do it.

One thing I want to eliminate is my fear of socialising. I think it’s a little out of hand that now phones are my worst enemy. This will probably be the hardest, but I’ve got to try because college is coming by sooner than I expected. I mean, I allow my eyes to wonder of the clock for a moment in year 5 five and then suddenly BOOM! I’m in high school. I’ve probably wrote this a million times before, but I cannot for my life talk or be around boys. If it’s only one or two and they seem friendly, I’m a little shy but I’ll talk. Shove me in a large group, collection, gathering, sea of boys and then we have a problem.

I’ve been doing more research lately and I’ve got some idea of stuff I have to change. My body language is one thing. I have to smile more (though, believe it or not, some say that I smile too much…) and I have to be less stiff. I did some indian dancing for my school’s international evening in year 8 and I reckon that my movements were smooth and fluid, I think. A month or so ago, I went to my neighbour’s baby shower and every came to the middle and did this dance and I was stiffer than a robot. It was sooooo embarrassing. I feel like crying thinking about it… :/

I also have to learn to be able to start and sustain conversation. I’m probably the world’s worst conversationalist and when people talk to me, all the get from it is awkward silence. Exactly the reason I don’t getting the bus with people I’m not familiar with. I only have random crap to talk about and science and anime/manga. In that way, you could say that I’m not that interesting – at least when it comes to movies, tv shows, music, relationships and… just about everything else… I’m going to try to speak to those I sit next to more. I’ve got to have conversations outside of my head rather than inside my head. I’ve got to open my mouth even if it kills me! Actually, it would be pointless if it killed me…

Then comes the easier stuff. I’m aiming to become healthier. I know I said this earlier and I’ve actually stopped being healthy since a few weeks ago… But it’s good that I kept it up that long so I think it can’t get any worse, it’ll probably get better! In 2014 I want to grow out my hair, have nice skin and probably lose a few pounds around my thighs so I can wear my favourite jeans again! I’ll probably do none of those things but, to start with, I’ll start to go on random walks on saturdays. Normally I’d just stay in and read manga but this holiday, I’ve read everything readable and now I’m dead bored.

In January, I’m going to get the results of my mocks in this scary big envelope and I’m kind of worried. That’s why, in 2014, I’m going to take my revision more seriously and invent cool new ways to revise so it doesn’t bore me to death. My exams are in 6 months and believe me, that time will come quicker than you expect.

And in addition to the ‘new’ me, if it ever shows up… (or exists), I will let go the things that hold me back. Regrets, Sorrow and all that fudge, I’ll tie it to a firework and watch them explode into a million pieces. Now, I have a lot of regrets. That gigantic water balloon I planned to throw on my sister that I drop on the floor by the computer and ended up soaking not only the study but also myself. The lame way I acted when I was auditioning for ‘Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old’ because I was shy. Shouting ‘I’M HUNGRY’ and continuously complaining once on holiday and being filmed (my family all laugh at me when they watch it, but I was young at foolish). Drinking sprite after eating spicy rice a number of times. I’ve done a lot of foolish things, though from the top of my head, I can think of two regrets that have troubled me alot. One of them troubled me over a couple of years, the other… well you know the whole Grace situation though, it’s a little complicated than that. But I’ll end the year with them and start the new year without them. They’ll stay in the past because that’s where they belong. And I won’t look back.

So! A summary?

  1. Overcome social phobia and be more like a teenager! Maybe make new friends? Learn the ways of the sociable. I’ll aim for 100 points on the challenge (16 so far)
  2. Improve my health and wear my jeans again
  3. Study well and in an odd and creative way. A board game? I like games so…
  4. Let go of my regrets. Explode them and throw the remains up and watch them flutter down like confetti doing a little victory dance! Yes!

And a penalty if I don’t do any of these.

  1. A whole week without manga/anime (I’ve done it once… it’s was absolutely, positively horrible…)
  2. 50 push up for everything I don’t do
  3. 5 slaps for ever push up I don’t do

That’s what I’ll do this time next year if I fail to keep this promise. (I’ll start 2015 with bloody cheeks…)

And you too! Any new year resolutions? Set a brutal punishment for yourself next new years like… no internet for a month. Actually, no, that could kill someone… I’d rather do the push ups. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re probably not as lazy and inflexible as me…

Happy New Year for when midnight strikes! Odds are that I’ll be counting down along with you and playing animal crossings. Or screaming as my brother pulls my hair or attempts to eat my forehead… That made me laugh… Okay! Enough for this post! I don’t need to take anymore of your time. Thanks for reading!

~EpicCupcake signing out. (for the last time the year!)