GIMME MY DAMN STEROIDS!

With exam stress and hayfever and the rest, my eczema/asthma/hayfever- that troublesome trio- have been acting up and, quite frankly, it hurt to… well, move. I’m not going to formulate a longwinded rant here because within my almost 16 years on this planet, I’ve had a lot of time to complain.

I went to my GP the other day after waiting for weeks to see them about my tedious sore throat and cough or whatever it was, and now that it had gone, like, ages ago, I went to talk about my eczema and my spontaneous flare ups. Flare ups that just happen. There’s no warning, no trigger, no anything. I just wake up and then BOOM! flare up.

So for some odd reason (Maybe I was feeling a bit too optimistic; my moods have been fluctuating to extremes lately…) I thought the doctor could actually HELP me. Boy, was I wrong. And boy, was I stupid.

I got there, after being mocked by a couple of boys on account of my lack of fashion sense (my mum later told me I looked like I had just gotten out of bed…Thanks mum.) and saw the doctor. My clothes choice must’ve screamed immature because his voice moved up a little in pitch (throwing in a little music revision) and he made lots of eye contact and I honestly felt like a kid.

It obviously didn’t bother me that much because I went right ahead and told him the problem like a mature young adult and not a shy toddler in a teenagers body, clinging to their mummy because they don’t want to talk. I swear, eczema must be considered an easy and hard disease or disorder for doctors. Hard because no one really knows what the hell causes it in the first place, and what the hell you have to do to make it stop. Easy because you don’t have to do much.

“Moisturise when it’s itchy.” Thanks Sherlock! Why do doctors, parent and pretty much everyone without eczema assume the itching magically disappears if you put a little cream on it. If that were the case, I’d go to school looking as oily as a Christmas turkey! This is sort of turning into a rant. I guess I haven’t gotten it all out of my system.

So I got the doctor to prescribe me more cream and some antihistamines that I didn’t even request and can’t, and probably won’t, use, said thank you, got the creams and antihistamines, used them, then scratched some more. My life is pretty cyclical.

In my life, there have been only three treatments that have ever work for me: this chinese remedy thingymajigimnotreallysurewhatitactuallywas, UV radiation photo therapy also known as light treatment, and steroids. Since I’m sure the store that sold the chinese remedy thingymajigimnotreallysurewhatitactuallywas has closed or whatever actually happened and I’m not very keen on photo therapy and have only had it once (not one time, just many over some time period), I’m cool with just sticking to the steroids. I’ve managed to receive topical corticosteroids creams/ointments a couple of times and I don’t use a lot anyway so they last, but for some reason no doctor will prescribe me the tablets which, actually, really make a difference. Sure it’s wise to keep taking steroids because of one reason or the other but I’m sure if I use them, I won’t have to use the steroid creams for a while. Plus, it’s not like I’m going to grow anymore.

I guess I’m a little annoyed at how doctors don’t even care about eczema sufferers. They either think they’ve got it worked out (Cream! Use cream and then, abracadabra you’re cured!!) or maybe they’ve just given up on me. After all, they said I’d outgrow it nine years ago and… here I am! If they can’t do anything or just can’t be bothered, they could just slip me some damn steroids and problem solve… temporarily… but hey- I’d take it over not solved at all!

I must sound like a drug addict… Maybe I am.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

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Significant Other (He’s/She’s So Fine)

feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeels

I’m taking a full day off revision so I decided to write something. Also, this could help my English- I really need the practice…

So yeah, this is a post is a reply to the daily prompt (I don’t have anything better to write about; my brain at the moment is 30% revision 70% cold squidgy mush).

I don’t like to lie, and I’m also pretty bad at it, so I’ll tell the truth. I don’t have a significant other. But there is someone who I wouldn’t exactly hate if they happen to ever become my significant other. Yeah, that’s all I’m saying about that, My sister already ‘accidentally’ read my blog one day so I’m being extra careful.

But if I had a type I’d say they’d have to meet a couple of requirements.

  1. They’d have to be weird: Seriously, if they weren’t weird then I’d just feel awkward the whole time. I have a couple (a couple?) of weird habits like blurting out strange things or… smelling steroid creams… Plus, weird people are different and therefore interesting. I don’t normally go for mass produced personalities.
  2. They’d have to be accepting: I’ve got more flaws than good points so… Plus it’ll be hard to date someone who’s got a bloody phobia of phones.
  3. They’d have to be honest: I don’t like lies. Liars are unappealing. I always like and appreciate people who are so real. There are so many fake people around me… It’s suffocating…
  4. They’d have to be loyal: Someone I can trust to stay by my side.
  5. They’d have to be thoughtful: They don’t have to be amazingly kind and caring, but they’d need to be considerate about others as well as their self. 
  6. They’d have to be able to notice me: I’m pretty much invisible. I’m like the girl version of Kuroko, but I suck at basketball. Once I meet that someone who picks me out from the crowd or across the room (or anywhere for that matter), I’ll fall head over heels in love. Or maybe I’d just feel a bit cocky.

As for physical appearance… I don’t really care that much. Though I like soft skin. And great smiles. Real smiles. Not facebook smiles. But physical appearance isn’t that important. A really good-looking guy with the personality of a rock cannot be compared to a plain average looking guy with a colourful, interesting and different personality. Yeah.

But, you know, you fall for who you fall for. That’s it.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Alternate Reality

I’ve been trying to focus on my revision recently and I said I wouldn’t really be posting, but I just found out something that sort of pissed me off so I have to write about it before I write a threatening email or chew my arm off or something (Okay, I know I wouldn’t write a threatening email…)

So I was watching the Big Bang Theory and when I was checking the episode list in Wikipedia, I realised that they’re planning to make a new season. I was ecstatic. Seriously. Then I though, I wonder what other E4 shows are getting another season. I wasn’t entirely sure the Mindy Project was being continued but I was in luck. Then I checked out the New Normal, praying there would be good news.

I was already excited when I type in ‘the new normal’ and ‘the New Normal season 2’ came up straight away. With haste and an ever growing impatience, I clicked the first link to find that it had been CANCELED and I was just devastated. Why did they cancel? Because it’s not appropriate. Why is it not appropriate? Because it features gay men. So what? So everything. I know I shouldn’t really be this angry because if I really cared that much about the show, I would have already known, but I assumed it was a one-time thing. It’s just the fact that now I know there could’ve been a second season but there isn’t. It’s like when I found out they were going to make a fourth season for Kyou Kara Maoh but they didn’t because people found the third season boring.

WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE! HAVE YOU NO EYES?!

Yeah, then I found this was probably due to this organisation called One Million Moms or 1MM for short. I’ve just been trolling around their website, in search for an email address to tell them how much I loved the New Normal, only to find out that they are targeting…

wait for it…

Good Luck Charlie.

I don’t even… *sigh*

This is all due to the fact that Charlie befriends a girl who happens to have two mothers. So what? 1MM is targeting an innocent Disney show. And for what? Telling the truth to children. Yes children, there are some people in the world who are attracted to members of their own sex and fall in love and get married and have children. What’s wrong with airing that?

Children don’t need lies. Children don’t need fantasy. Children don’t need this ‘perfect’ alternate reality.

Seriously, you have to read what it said.

One Million Moms launched an email campaign in 2013 that urged Disney officials to abandon their plans to corrupt the children’s network with LGBT content.

‘Corrupt’? Really?

Conservative families need to urge Disney to avoid controversial topics that children are far too young to comprehend.

Which basically means they can watch it once they’ve been brainwashed into becoming fully-fledged homophobes.

Maybe I’m overreacting. I don’t particularly like Good Luck Charlie anyway, or a lot of Disney Channel for that matter (after all the good shows stopped showing… 😦 ), but I still think it’s unfair. This sort of brainwashing leads to alienation. I would know; I’ve always felt a bit alienated because I know I’m different in some way, I’m just not sure what it is, exactly… If anything, Disney Channel and other people should educate children on LGBT etc. at least the stuff that matters. There’s nothing worse than feeling you’re below everyone for being different.

What’s up with 1MM anyway. Are they saying that it’s unacceptable to get married and raise a family if you’re homosexual? Rubbish. Absolute rubbish.

Dammit! I miss the New Normal. Excuse me, but I have to cry now.

~EpicCupcake *sniff* signing out.

Borderline Personality Disorder

So, yeah, for some reason I just keep getting sick. I stayed home from school today and I’ve been doing absolutely nothing. I’m SUPER hungry for some odd reason and I feel guilty because even though I was supposed to be sick, I was chasing my brother around the house and playing some kind of odd football game. I now have a headache. And I’m still hungry. I literally just ate not long ago.

But enough about what I’ve been getting up to today. Over the last few days I’ve been doing some heavy thinking. (heavy?) Worrying about my health with my asthma getting worse and my eczema going crazy and feeling hungry all the time and stuff. And then about my emotions and stuff and it makes me feel so confused.

Since ages ages ago, I’ve been doing research on every mental or personality disorder there is, trying to find out what exactly is wrong with me. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it, but I’ve been focusing a lot on Borderline Personality Disorder, which I like to refer to as BPD. And it feels kind of weird searching for my problem and then not doing anything with my answers or asking for help, but I know my parents (especially my mum) would either say that I need to pray or say that I spend to much time on the internet researching nonsense. I don’t think my parents truly believe that stuff like BPD and other disorders actually exist. They probably think it’s just something people made up to get attention or whatever. That’s one reason I can’t talk to my parents.

So, about BPD, I’ve done a lot of online personality disorder tests, and I’ve gone on lots of websites and I’ve seen loads of documentaries and my understanding of the disorder (gosh, I’m so hungry) lead me to believe that I might actually have the disorder. When I came across it for the first time, I didn’t really see what they described in myself, but over time as I kept coming back to it, I realised a lot of it applied to me. One thing I particularly trust is the DSM IV. Here is the diagnostic criteria:

  1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
  2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called “splitting.”
  3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
  4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
  5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
  6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
  7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
  8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
  9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

One thing about me that makes me doubt that I have BPD is that the fact that I feel that I do have some control even though I feel totally out of control. I’ve never really thought about cutting myself or planning suicide though I know I may have said inappropriate things about that. Also, although I feel like I’m impulsive, I feel like I hardly give into it. Of all the things listed in number 4, I can safely say that that’s not the case for me. I’m always careful with money hardly spending it on myself because I worry for the future. Plus, I’d feel guilty. As for binge eating, I eat a lot but I don’t binge. I’m just greedy. And… always hungry… The rest on that list don’t apply to me.

Another thing that made me doubtful was number 1. It’s true that I don’t want to be abandoned. It’s true that when Grace just decided she was going to ignore for the rest of my life and act as if I’m dead, I was… there isn’t really a word to describe it. I felt broken inside. Distressed. I felt like everything was falling apart and that it was the end of the world. I cried a lot. For one person who didn’t really care about anyone. I know I went to I wouldn’t say ‘great’, but great efforts to get us back together. One included embarrassing myself in front of everyone as I chased after her one day after school when I had a club to go to practically begging for her forgiveness and to forget everything and to just started again. She didn’t listen (of course) and just walked away. I don’t want to go into full Grace rant, but I’d just like to say that it wasn’t me who insisted to be friends with her. She just decided it one day and I went along with it, learning to love her and her little (and annoying) quirks.

Even though I did that embarrassing thing and even tried (I’m not proud of this) to guilt her and others into not abandoning me or paying me a little more attention, I wouldn’t say that I go to frantic efforts to avoid being alone. If I did, I’d still be hanging around Grace while she ignored me and enjoyed having someone fuss over her. She’s big headed like that… I do, in fact, like spending time alone. I like being secluded in my room. I really do. Of course, I wouldn’t want to stay here all the time, but it’s the best place to be. My room is my natural habitat. It’s mine and I can be who I am… And who am I exactly…?

I’ve been asking that questions for years but I’ve never really gotten a straight answer. One thing I’ve learnt about BPD is that people with it adapt themselves and adopt the mannerisms of the people that surround them, so, in the end, they have loads of different personalities towards different people and when different people are in the same place with you, it’s hard to figure out who to be. And with all this adapting, you find it hard to recognise which one of these personalities is actually you. I have this hypothesis that if you want to know a little bit what a person is like, watch them by themselves. I tend to watch people as they walk. I make note of the way they walk, their expressions and how they change when they’re with a friend or someone they know. But, back on topic, I’ve noticed that I act differently around different people and I mentioned this is another post. To some people I am polite and shy, to others I’m hyper and annoying, to others I’m sarcastic or cold, to others I’m mature and reserved and to my family, I’m just this mess of emotions and confusion. Like some kind of toddler.

Once I was in a situation when I was with Grace and my primary school buddies at the same time. I found it a little difficult to adapt. I didn’t know how to act because there were people from my past who I weren’t close to so I had to act… like a normal teenager and act mature and reserved but also nice and friendly. Then there were my primary school buddies and I had to act hyper around them. And then there was Grace and normally I was sarcastic around her though not cold. Just sarcastic. The funny thing is that she’s not sarcastic. So there I was, this slightly confused mature yet childish and hyper yet still sarcastic… thing. I don’t even know what to call myself. Another time I was with people who were much older than me and with my friend Tori and she found it weird when I was acting all quiet and shy with a higher pitched voice than she was used to hearing me use.

I’m going to go ahead with number 2 (I should really do this in order) and say that I didn’t really get that one. I don’t think I’ve had any ‘intense’ or ‘unstable’ interpersonal relationships. I’m assuming that they are talking about romantic relationships and I’ve never had a boyfriend so… But I guess this could apply to friends as well. I’m not sure. As I said, I don’t really understand this one. However, I do think I understand the concept of splitting. There are times where someone does something and I immediately think ‘Oh, I really hate this person!’, or ‘I really like this person!’. There’s no in between. It’s either like or hate and I get like this for stupid reasons. I’ve got two examples:

  1. Devaluation: My dad and I are sitting at the dining table using our laptops. I go somewhere and come back to find that my laptop is off because my dad accidentally unplugged it thinking it was his. I got soooooo mad about that. That’s one thing I ABSOLUTELY HATE. If you really want to make me mad, don’t punch me, just unplug my laptop. My battery has malfunctioned so I don’t use it anymore. The only source of my laptop’s power is the mains. Seriously, unplug my laptop and I will hate you for a good hour or so. I’d cry, I’d yell, I’d mutter to myself and if I’m just particularly irritated, I’d even throw things across  my room or start ripping up paper and marvel the beautiful artwork I’ve made on the floor. Yeah… I’m crazy.
  2. Idealisation: I’ll give a general example. I meet a stranger on the bus or wherever and witness them doing something nice for someone and it can be the littlest thing and BAM! I’m instantly in love with them. And when I say ‘in love’ I don’t mean it like that but… you know… I’d admire them. I’d want to be friends with that person and start to imagine it. Sometimes if people pay me particular attention when they don’t normally, I suddenly feel like I’m connected to that person. I also admire them so much and put them on a pedestal. Then if they ignore me (basically, not treat me like a close friend) that pedestal would just crumble and they are insignificant again.

I won’t bother explaining 6, 7 or 8 because I think it’s obvious that all those apply to me. I get irritable, anxious, I sometimes feel just empty and distant from everyone and I pretty much feel angry every day. My mum telling me that the bin still hasn’t been taken out on a Monday morning makes me so mad and I don’t even know how to explain it. I feel before I think. I feel angry, I try to explain it but I can’t seem to find the words or I do find the words, but they sound so stupid that I feel angry about getting angry in the first place. Now-a-days I don’t bother explaining and just say ‘I don’t know why I’m angry.’ or ‘You wouldn’t understand.’ It really confuses my mum. Also, around the time before Grace stopped talking to me, I would sometimes go to school in the morning and just still with my head down on my desk and start crying. I wouldn’t know why. I’d just start crying. Then I’d feel guilty for crying when there’s nothing wrong and I’d get upset about that. The guilt I feel sometimes really crushes my spirit. I always feel so guilty and for what reason?

As for number 9, I never truly got that one so I’ll leave it out.

So far, BPD is the best match to what I feel so I’m going to continue looking into it. But even so, it won’t make a difference whether I find out of not. I mean, yes I’ll feel relieved that I’m not just a bad person and that there’s actually something wrong with me, but I can’t really get better, assuming I have BPD, if I don’t tell anyone or get diagnosed and get treatment. Still, I think I’d feel a little better if I had someone I could talk to about this on a daily or even weekly basis. I used to talk to Grace about it but then look where it led me. I’ve talked about it with my friend Phoenix because she has some problems of her own, but I don’t really feel that close to her. I don’t feel that close to anyone. So for the meantime, I’m going to continue writing in notebooks, expressing my feeling through writing and working on this blog. I don’t really find much time to do any of those things, you know between homework, revision and being ill. But I’ll try my best.

I’ll make a new goal: I’m going to try and summon the courage to find someone to talk about this stuff to. Someone I can trust. Someone who will understand. Someone who gets me, or at least tries to. 😉 I feel like I’m getting closer to my friends though. Recently I’ve been revealing the world of yaoi and anime to my friend Ann. Not necessarily because I want her to like yaoi. Just because I like to creep people out and tell them loads of Japanese terms they’ll never learn,

Thanks for reading this whole chunk of writing. It means a lot. 🙂

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Being Atopic- I’m Highly Sensitive

Not that kind of sensitive…

A kind of serious topic today. Not serious serious but not jokey either.

Today, for once, I looked up something other than personality disorders on health websites.Today I looked up atopic eczema and asthma. Quite some time ago, I had to do this first aid course in school during my P.E. lessons, since being in year 10 (or 11- can’t remember) and not being a P.E. GCSE student, there wasn’t much to do during that time. I felt kind of ashamed that, being the only one in that lesson with asthma, I hardly knew much about it. Same with eczema, though it’s more severe than my asthma so naturally I know more about it.

So, after doing two pieces of homework (yawn) I opened Google and started doing some research. A word I can across often was the word ‘atopic’. I knew what it meant but I didn’t have a solid definition. I found out it meant sensitive to allergens and indeed sensitive I was… and am… currently… I find it ironic that I’m both physically sensitive and emotionally sensitive…

Reading through the page on eczema (and by ‘reading through’ I mean watching a video and quickly skim reading) I didn’t learn much. Most of the stuff I had read or heard before. Still, I learnt a bit about how corticosteroids work and why they can increase blood pressure.

With asthma, I found out that the airway walls swell up due to some trigger which, surprisingly, can be stress or anxiety as well as allergens like dust. When I was learning about renal failure, transplants and dialysis in biology, I had some difficulty breathing which could have actually been caused by the fact that renal failure terrifies me. Not to mention I’m only a couple of months away from my final exams and have a whole truckload of knowledge that I must cram into my head before that time. Yikes…

But going back to eczema, I read about a list of complications that arise with people who are atopic- mainly behavioural problems. The first thing talked about was bullying and I can’t imagine someone bullying someone because they have eczema. Personally, I had never been bullied for that reason. Probably because my eczema affected discrete areas like the back of my knees or the inside of my elbow which were covered by my tights and jump etc. Though, in primary school, sometimes random children asked why I scratched so much and that did annoy me.

Though I kind of agree that eczema can affect you psychologically. Having severe eczema means you can’t do certain things that others can. I couldn’t swim in the ocean because my skin would start to burn, I couldn’t use any cream that isn’t prescribed, there are a lot of make up I can’t wear, I can’t have pets (I had rabbits and a hamster though. But, with my allergies, it was hard and I had to take extreme measures or else. I currently have no pets.), I can’t use bath soap or those cute little bath bombs or gels or whatever (I can’t even use Simple Soap!), I can’t eat certain foods and I can develop allergies randomly to things I’ve never been allergic to. Fish have always been against me. When I was younger, there were a couple of fish I couldn’t eat, but I could still eat stuff like sardines and tuna which I love, but I as I found fish that I didn’t react to, days later I would react to them and it’s horrible. Now I avoid all fish. Just being around cooked fish triggers my eczema. I will never be able to eat sushi with actual fish. It saddens me so… *sob*

The website also said something about sleep disturbance. I can certainly vouch for that. Earlier on this week, I had one of those nights where I think endlessly about something and whether I’m awake or asleep I’m not entirely sure. And then when I ‘wake up’ at about 3am in the morning, I realise I’m covered in rashes and that I had been scratching the entire night. It’s horrible really. That night I was thinking about Peripetie and how Schoenberg removed clarinets from the piece because they somehow caused controversy. That’s not true, of course, but for some reason that was all I could think about. Then for about half an hour or even up to an hour, I had to sit upright because it actually hurt to lie down. Eventually I gave into the pain and fell asleep, but I was grumpy in the morning. Like, really grumpy.

The next morning, I decide to take a slightly stronger antihistamine called chlorophenamine which I had taken regularly once and made me even more irritable than usual. I was already irritable after not getting any sleep that day and the medicine only made it worse.

Self-confidence was the last thing the website talked about and even though generally I have little confidence, if any at all, I’m not entirely sure how that could be cause by having eczema. Still, being atopic means that I’ve had to depend on my parents a lot and I am a very dependent person, though I don’t like to admit it. I can’t even imagine going to uni. I don’t want to go to a uni too far from London- too far from my parents. Even having eczema for 15 years, I’m not confident enough to manage it on my own. And it’s not like I can just have a lie-in every time I have a bad flare up. Eczema complicates my life, though not so much. I can’t even image how many new complications will arise by the time I’m living away from home. I don’t even want to think about it.

Well, I’ve kind of rambled here, but I wanted to talked about eczema and asthma and being atopic and stuff. It’s not something I talk about with other people. I’ve always thought it would just bother those who aren’t suffering from the same thing, or something just as serious.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Busy Week Ahead!/Scary School Children

My message to all bullies.
You’re gonna hear me…

It sure has been a while… Well, just so you know, I have been studying and eating well and stuff. I haven’t just been lazying about eating biscuits and reading manga…

I’ve been kind of… stuck thinking of a post recently so I haven’t really written anything until now because, finally, I have something to talk about! So… I’ll just get on with that.

This week is quite a bit eventful for me with a couple of stuff line up for me each day including Saturday my beautiful, beautiful rest day that I have to spend in school and church. Horrible, isn’t it?

Anyway, tomorrow I’ve volunteered to do this… well… I’m not entirely sure what it is, but I have to give this talk, along with other year 11 students  to year 9s about GCSE. I’ve already talked to the STEM club in my school some time ago with two other prefects, but that was more science and technology based (because it was STEM club). This is going to be a general talk about GCSEs especially Triple Science, Geography, History and other subjects. I can’t wait to shock the year 9s when I tell them I only got one of my choices. Heh heh. But most importantly, I really want to help them make the right decisions (e.g. don’t take music or extra languages… just kidding.) so that they will be happy with what they are learning, get good grades and be ready for whatever college has to throw at them.

And, you know, thinking about doing this talk thingy makes me think ‘wow, I’ve actually got experience in something!’ And I do; I’ve been doing this for over a year now and, to be quite honest, I want out. buuuuuut, that isn’t going to happen until June so until then, GCSEs have to be my best friend! It’s hard to believe that I’m in the oldest year group in my school. I mean, some students stretch over me and I feel like a dwarf at school, even though I am quite tall. And also, about 90% of the girls in years 7-10 wear 20 times as much make up as I do (which is just, like, Vaseline with the occasional lip gloss) They’re all so scary and intimidating (okay, maybe not all of them) and I forget that I’m a good 2 years older than the scariest ones.

I think one of the worst group of people to get bullied by are younger students. Not only do they just hurt your feelings, they also hurt you pride which is pretty painful.

I would know.

About two years ago, or one, it was a really rainy and humid day and I was just casually on the bus when these boys got on. I overheard them talking about someone (more like mocking someone) and laughing. I assumed they were making fun of this man nearby and I felt sorry for him. It was only when they left the bus that I learnt the cruel truth. One of the boys said to me:

‘Hey, ever heard of a brush?’ And he laughed his stupid laugh as he hopped off the bus quickly with his friends. I glared at them, naturally, but then as I walked home in the pouring unforgiving rain with no umbrella to keep my fuzzy mane of a hair from getting any worse, I started to cry. I had been cruelly mocked in public, the very thing I had always feared. I mean, it’s bad enough in school but in public it’s just… But the worst part was that I took out my mirror and I checked my hair and it was perfectly fine! The same as always. It hadn’t puffed up or disobeyed the laws of gravity. It was absolutely fine and I was furious!

So yeah, no matter how young or childish the younger ones look, they’re still pretty scary. At lot of them are actually mature though I’m starting to view the younger ones as a little annoying. No offense, but they like to challenge and intimidate our year and like to run around moaning about how much homework they have, or at least that’s how it is in my school. When I was in year 7, I used to hate it when the year 11s called us little children, and they were incorrect to call us that, we were still young adults, but I kind of get where they’re coming from.

The other day I was waiting at the bus stop and I saw this small girl in year 7 with her mum. The bus came and I hopped on along with her and other people. But then the bus was packed and the door closed before her mother could get on, and the way she cried and shrieked at the bus driver telling him to open the door that her ‘mummy is out there!’ really surprised me. She only had to stay on for one stop and either wait for her mum to come or to walk back which, to be honest, wasn’t that far. Still, I guess the bus driver should’ve let her get off or something, if not let her mum on. I thought I should’ve been a good senpai and helped her, but from her hysterical expression, I was worried she’d scratch me or something, I really was. Plus, I wouldn’t want to let my shyness take over and start stammering or something…

It was kind of funny though… Now that I think about it… Am I a bad person?

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Results’ Day/Exam Pressure and Revision

Yesterday in school, there was a little practice- a ‘dress rehearsal’ was what the teachers called it- of what would happen about seven months from now. Yes… result’s day. After those grueling two weeks of torture known as exams, and a Christmas holiday that was more of a I’m-so-nervous-I’m-gonna-wet my-pants holiday, we finally got our results for our mock exams. I have to say, I was pleased with what I got. All As and A*s except for one grade… English. English language. The exam I thought I pretty much aced it. I didn’t even get a B for it. My grade dropped straight down to a C, which is still good, but it’s three grades below my target grade and, most importantly, my English teacher’s going to give me a hard time about it. Still, it doesn’t bother me that much.

There were an assortment of grades with a mixture of tears of relief and tears or disappointment yesterday and today. People were eagerly asking each other what they got and showing off their amazing grades. Others were in tears, talking to teachers. Like an good teacher, they encouraged then not to give up and to change those grades by the time summer comes. One of my friends told me today that she hated it when people who were smarter than her said their grades and asked what she got. I agreed with her- it’s not fair at all. It’s embarrassing. Which was why I pretty much stayed quiet about my grade only speaking of my English Language grade and only really asking the people in my English class what they got for that. And, like the ‘ever so modest person I am’ when other asked me about my grades, I said them, smiled and kind of looked down. and whispered a thank you when they congratulated me. It’s like I’m torn between being modest and not seeming stuck up. It’s kind of complicated, I can’t really explain it.

I’m sure the buzz about exams won’t die down any soon. Though now that we’ve got our mock results GCSE results’ day style, the tension is building and the pressure is even more suffocating. I’m glad that for a lot of my subject, there’s no coursework, and for the coursework I do have, it’s controlled conditions so I don’t need to work on it at home and in my free time. Nevertheless, there’s still a lot I need to do. I need to start thinking about resits for my music since I’ve got a string of Bs hanging round my neck and it’s only my final exam that can push it to an A. I would redo them, if I wasn’t nervous as hell… and if I hadn’t lost the pieces… That wasn’t very wise of me…

And then there’s English to worry about. I have no idea how I got the grade I did. I tried to pin it on my writing, but I got an A in Literature so I’m not quite sure. It’s horrible to not be good at English Language, because there isn’t really a clear way to up your score. If it’s something like science of maths, you can do quick questions or just look up… I don’t know… limestone on BBC Bitesize.

At the moment, I’m really thinking of strategies to help me revise, but I never look at notes and I get board of cue cards. I tried to make a game on Stencyl, a PowerPoint Presentation, a board game, but nothing seems to fit me. Only test papers seem to work and there are a limited number of test papers out there. There will come a time when the pressure will be too much and I have virtually no time left and I’ll probably crack from the pressure. I suddenly wish I was back in year 10 so I can take my revision more seriously. Every year, the teachers say ‘Start your revision now! From the beginning!’. Every year, everyone ignores them. Every year, they regret it. If I could go back in time, I’d start making my notes. Of course, I can’t go back, and I wouldn’t anyway; I’ve already done so much. To make notes now for everything would take forever though so I’ll stick to my normal revision method: books and the internet.

Wish me luck for… about 4 months?

~EpicCupcake signing out.