Update: Things are looking good!

超可愛い!

 

They sure are! I started school on Monday and I’ve actually been trying my best to live up to the promises I made for the new year. Like I said, I’m sick of being upset, socially awkward and shy and I want to just be happy and live my life the way I want. For Christmas, I got three notebooks from my sister, A4, A5 and A6 and with my now large collection of beautiful colourful notebooks, I’ve decided to use the A6 one (which I named the ‘Ferris’ because I’m weird enough to name notebooks…) to track my progress and to keep a little diary-like thingy. It doesn’t feel like a diary, because I don’t really go into that much detail about my emotions and stuff, only when necessary.

At the end of every day, I sit on my bed and get out the Ferris and write an entry called ‘Evaluation of Day’. I’ve given all my problems a number. 1=social anxiety, 2=health, 3=studying and 4=emotions and regrets. I write the numbers down and record all the important stuff I did today and give them points. I can tell you now, according to the Ferris, I’m doing quite well in the social anxiety section and the health section, because I’m setting new challenges for myself and I’m doing regular exercise (rather than none at all) and eating my five-a-day (I even ate a bloody fruit pot today! I normally hate fruit that aren’t apples or oranges, but I have to admit, it was kind of nice). On the other hand, on the studying section, I’m not doing so well. 6 points so far, from new years to now. Not very good, but I’m very lazy.

There’s also been another downside. I’ve been exercising as if I was back in primary school (I was very active back then), but my body isn’t used to exercise so now I’m half walking, half limping around everywhere. So, until next week, I’m only doing sit ups and maybe star jumps, if it doesn’t kill me…

But even with the limping, I think I’m heading towards a success. I was really worried about going back to school. I was worrying about ‘School Fever’ but I’ve been doing fine. My mood has been very stable over these last couple of days. Although I still find it a bit hard to look at Grace, things are close to being back to normal. It’s not so awkward between us anymore and I can tolerate sitting next to her in English. In fact, we still talk and laugh and have the whole class yell shut up at us every lesson, though I don’t feel any closer to her. It feels like the distance between us has increased a little. Although sometimes I do long for the days we were friends, it doesn’t actually bother me that much. I can sit on my own in the computer room with her and the other cackling away at each other and not feel any discomfort. I’m slowly getting over her. I don’t talk to her that much, and I don’t try to, though now I feel she talks to me more than I talk to her, she even complemented my hair even though it wasn’t anything special, and it makes me wonder… but I’m not going to over think this.

As for friends, I still feel a bit like a lone wolf, but Cinnamon is a great friend who’s always by my side and I don’t want to take advantage of that. Cinnamon is a little weird though, I’ve noticed. She seems to like it when people die in books… At the moment, she’s re-reading ‘Bec’, part of Darren Shan’s Demonata Saga. She told me she loved reading it because all the characters die, even the main character (a little confusing considering it was the fourth book out of ten books…) But she’s a nice and interesting person and I’m grateful to have her as my friend. Also, I very much appreciate weird people!

So… yeah, just a little update… I’ll end on this final note: I’m still working on my Challenge- I’m mixing it up with my evaluation thing and so far I’ve got about 23 points! But I’ve only really done basic stuff so from now on I’m going to challenge myself a little bit more. I have a mental list of the stuff I want to tick off such as calling people by their name which I am just unable to do. I always feel to shy to use someone’s name. I only want to do some sort of eye contact challenge, but I’ll save that for when I feel more confident. When I write my evaluation, I make a little list. Today, I managed to listen to music on the bus, something that absolutely scares me. I don’t know why, I guess I’m just worried that somehow other people can hear my music and make fun of me. But I was listening to Green Day anyway and no one can say anything bad about Green Day… I’m more worried about the songs I have that are in another language. Today I started listening to this Indonesian rock group called J-rock. Really confusing. I was expecting them to be Japanese, so I was a little confused when I didn’t hear any Japanese.

Okay! That’s enough for today! Thank you for spending a little time reading this post! 🙂

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Turn Around

Hello! It’s been a long time so I thought I should start with hello!

If you’re wondering why I haven’t been procrastinating on WordPress, I’ve actually been doing serious revision.

I mean serious revision. I made a bloody timetable and (get this!) I actually followed it! Seriously, I revise in the mornings before school, during lunch, on the bus, after school in the library, at home, before bed, heck, even in my sleep! I was so nervous I just analysed a poem in my dreams. Too bad I couldn’t remember what I wrote… I’ve been revising like mad and yet I feel like I haven’t done enough. Strange…

Anyway, now I’m chilling on WordPress, laughing while watching my brother slip on the floor, and crying because it hurts when I laugh. I did aerobics for P.E. yesterday and we had to do over 100 sit ups… with our legs off the ground… with weights… Yeah… it wasn’t pretty.

Recently, I think my life has had a turn around. Not a major turn around, but a little one. Suddenly I’m eating stuff for breakfast that I never thought I’d eat in a million years. Cereal, toast, bagels. It feels so weird to pour myself a bowl of cereal when I’ve avoided it for so long. I almost forgot what milk tasted like… without being mixed with tea, of course.

And I’ve also started eating five fruit and veg a day. It’s a major improvement from 1 a day, which I only got from apple juice. Today, I even had one of those fruit pot thingies and GOSH DID I HATE IT, but I want to be healthy. I’ve also been eating a lot of salad. And I think I heard from someone that chocolate or cheese is good for your brain before an exam so I’ve started eating cheese again. (though I’ve been eating it with pizza already…) And I’m even saving a chocolate bar for when my exams start which is NEXT WEEK!

Gosh, I’m so nervous. First thing’s my Spanish oral and I have to come in to school in the morning. Ugh… Well, at least it’s a 10 rather than 9. While the rest of my class was either doing revision or watching YouTube videos in the computer lab, me, Ann and two other girls in my class went to a separate room to practice our speaking. We only managed three paragraphs each but, hey that’s something!

My next exam is Wednesday (Tuesday I get a day off!) and it’s English Lit. Poetry. Oh my goodness. Normally I’m great at essay writing, but for some reason my mind always goes blank. I hope I don’t mess it up. Even though it’s not my real GCSE, my parents are going to see the result  firstly in a big scary envelope (a simulation for results day) and at parent’s evening where people will be shamed. Oh boy…  The worst part is that the language orals are real. Very real, so if I fail those…

Let’s not think about it.

Just wish me luck! Especially for science and maths! (And language orals, of course!)

~EpicCupcake signing out.