It was more of a grunt than a scream.
By the way, this pic refers to an earlier post –> click me :3
It was more of a grunt than a scream.
By the way, this pic refers to an earlier post –> click me :3
Two posts in a day! WHOOP! This was actually meant to go with my last post but I don’t like it when my posts exceed a certain limit. Nice and short is how I like my posts- niiiice and shooooooorrrtt.
Over study leave and during exams, I got to hang out with Phoenix a lot. And Phoenix is awesome so naturally I was sad when college resumed and we had to go our separate ways (you know what I mean). She’s always in the art department and I’m always… not. So on Monday I decided to gather enough courage to ask to hang out with her. She, being the awesome friend she said we should totally hang out but if it was okay to meet her in one of the art rooms cause she had some coursework to do. So while she worked, I was content in just watching her and doing random crap on one of the computers. At one point we went hang with the some other people who do art or the like. It was a little awkward because apart from two of them (and Phoenix, of course), I had never talked to them much or ever before. Even so they were nice and one of the girls shared her party rings with me so yeah, it’s hard not to enjoy yourself when you get free food and watch funny and disturbing horror film trailers.
Anyway, whilst I was there, Grace walked in a couple of times. I never said a word to her. In fact, at one point, I was in that art computer room by myself and she was the only one in the room and that still never urged me to talk to her. She didn’t say anything to me in particular. At least nothing I remember.
Since that Monday I got sort of accustomed to that room. I mean I can chill in there and do whatever and no one asks questions or tells me to get lost so I just go there sometimes. Hence why I was there when I made my Left-handed Girl post. Actually I think that was on Monday…
So, one day, Tori and I were chilling in the art computer room and we literally just sat there and played games. I was playing Pepper Panic on Royal Games so I hardly paid attention to anyone- even when Tori was talking to me (I know, I’m so rude…) When I was in the middle of a game I thought would go well, Grace came from out of nowhere and asked me how I was. I said fine and nothing else. I didn’t ask her how she was because I reckoned she didn’t really mean it in that much of a friendly way. I mean, she’s said hi to me before when we were in close proximity for some reason so I didn’t take much notice of it. Also… I was playing Pepper Panic! (Sue me!)
When she continued talking, I realised that this wasn’t one of those random ‘how do you do’s. She started speaking to me normally as we did in high school. She was talking to me about her predicted grades and how she doesn’t know how she did better in drama than art and stuff like that. I was listening but I must’ve looked so rude because I looked totally disinterested when really I was just too focused on winning lots of jewels that day. When I WASN’T playing though, I realised that I was talking almost like normal only that my voice was a little flat because this is a girl I haven’t talked to for over a year acting like we’re amigas.
But you know, even though I had a face that said “Hmm, so it took you a year to finally come and properly talk to me, huh?”, I was secretly happy inside. A little big-headed, but mostly glad that we were talking. Because in truth I really missed her. I missed hanging out with her and laughing we her and having stupid pointless debates. I mean I gotten over that chapter of my life and I won’t die if we don’t become partners in crime once again, but it would be nice if we did, you know. I won’t wish for it, but if it’s meant to happy, I want it to happen. If she genuinely wanted to be friends again, for us to be that comedy duo again (Her being the funny (wo)man and me being the (not so) straight (cis-)man), then yeah! Let it be! At least this time, if Grace goes away again, I won’t be so weak about it. But, if it does happen, it probably means that Grace realises just how special our relationship was.
But this is all hypothetical. I’m quite content playing Pepper Panic for the time being. :3
(A more accurate representation of the difference in our height)
~EpicCupcake signing out.
Something weird is going on. You remember Grace, right? The ex-best friend that I used to call Backstabber? The one who announced that she didn’t want to be friends with me?
Yes, that Grace.
After ignoring me for so long, I gave up trying to be at least her acquaintance if not her friend. Now-a-days I don’t really want anything to do with her. I’ve been doing well. There’s no longer that lingering sorrow that follows me around, reminding me that we weren’t friends. I pretty much ignore her now. I’m not saying that if she tried to talk to me I’d pretend she didn’t exist, or run away from her. I’m just saying that I’m keeping my distance. I don’t talk to her that much. I treat her like I’d treat any other person I didn’t know that well, because, at the moment, I don’t know her very well. I don’t know her at all.
I thought she would love that, me ignoring her and not talking to her, after all, she did the same to me for a couple of months now. She’s got her perfect friends that all talk about boys and look up to her with shimmering eyes- or at least that’s what she thinks they do..
But I can’t help but notice the times when she’s on her own. It’s not like I constantly think, ‘Oh my gosh, she’s alone. She’s probably sad. I should go and help her.’ I’m keeping my distance, like she wanted. But still! I feel I hang out more with Mandy than she does. All the time I see her on her own except for one or two lessons. She always tries to but into conversations so that she doesn’t look like that but I think it’s obvious and I’m beginning to think others do to. They don’t mention it to her, though.
So yes, back to the weird thing (or rather, things), one lunchtime I was by myself. I wanted to get on with some revision (you know, with all the fear of exams and stuff) and when I came to my form room, she was sitting in the seat opposite mine. You may think, ‘well, she can sit anywhere, right?’, but the thing is that she used to sit on that table, but when she started avoiding me, she sat right on the other side of the room. Why would she suddenly decide to sit there, after she left the seat empty for months.
You can imagine how I felt when I reached my seat. One thought crossed my mind:
‘Should I go to the library or…’ In the end I sat in my seat. I wouldn’t move just because Grace sat there. It was my table, it is my table, so I had the right to sit there. As I expected, she didn’t talk to me, but when others came to sit at the table, she kept doing that annoying thing where she’d butt into their conversations little by little. We both happened to be revising R.E. and when my friend was asking me about my revision techniques, it was only natural that Grace butt in boasting about how she just looks at her book and remembers it and about how she didn’t revise for her mocks and got an A* in R.E. I’d like to see her do the same for the real ones and see what she’d get. Seriously. Not even out of hatred.
Grace continued joining in with their conversation until she finally took control of it. Then she offered us all a stereotypical speech about ‘black’ and ‘white’ behaviour and about some black girls acting ‘white’ and some white girls acting ‘black’. Even when people told her that it was stereotypical and even a bit racist, she still went on. I ignored her and her. I’ve had to deal with her stupid speeches in the past and no matter how many times I’ve told her that they were stereotypical, racist or hypocritical or just plain stupid, she didn’t change. I’m pretty much immune to her speeches, but not immune to her voice and I always find her annoying voice hard to block out and with her and the rest of the table speaking and the fact that she used the word racial instead of racist and that just… Yes, I know, what a weird thing to fixate about. As I was sitting there thinking to myself: ‘I missed the days when I could just sit here in peace.’ I did an R.E. test that afternoon. I wonder how well I did. Or badly.
After that, I became conscious of Grace’s actions. If I came by the lockers and she was there, I’d feel her eyes burning into my side. I can see her through the corner of my eyes, though I don’t let her know that. It’s really creepy and I don’t really know what to do in those situations. I sometimes get the urge to laugh or something so I usually get on with whatever in my locker and just go back to my seat. At least, she hasn’t sat in front of me since then. Maybe I’m being paranoid, but I’m think there’s something going on. One English lesson, she asked me a question. I shook my head, my way of saying no without using up my energy. But then she kept pestering me and pestering me asking my why I wasn’t talking to her. I got annoyed and shouted no and that I had no idea. But then. awkwardly enough, I found out the answer two seconds later.
Am I being paranoid? I feel like I’m being paranoid, but the staring is kind of creepy. Go back a couple of months and she wouldn’t have even sad on the same table as me. Or say a word to me. Or look at me. At all. In my opinion, there are four possibilities as to why Grace is acting like this:
As much as I’d like to think up different reasons and write some bizarre story based on this, I can’t be bothered.
Yeah… Sorry Grace, but no…
~EpicCupcake signing out.
So, yeah, for some reason I just keep getting sick. I stayed home from school today and I’ve been doing absolutely nothing. I’m SUPER hungry for some odd reason and I feel guilty because even though I was supposed to be sick, I was chasing my brother around the house and playing some kind of odd football game. I now have a headache. And I’m still hungry. I literally just ate not long ago.
But enough about what I’ve been getting up to today. Over the last few days I’ve been doing some heavy thinking. (heavy?) Worrying about my health with my asthma getting worse and my eczema going crazy and feeling hungry all the time and stuff. And then about my emotions and stuff and it makes me feel so confused.
Since ages ages ago, I’ve been doing research on every mental or personality disorder there is, trying to find out what exactly is wrong with me. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it, but I’ve been focusing a lot on Borderline Personality Disorder, which I like to refer to as BPD. And it feels kind of weird searching for my problem and then not doing anything with my answers or asking for help, but I know my parents (especially my mum) would either say that I need to pray or say that I spend to much time on the internet researching nonsense. I don’t think my parents truly believe that stuff like BPD and other disorders actually exist. They probably think it’s just something people made up to get attention or whatever. That’s one reason I can’t talk to my parents.
So, about BPD, I’ve done a lot of online personality disorder tests, and I’ve gone on lots of websites and I’ve seen loads of documentaries and my understanding of the disorder (gosh, I’m so hungry) lead me to believe that I might actually have the disorder. When I came across it for the first time, I didn’t really see what they described in myself, but over time as I kept coming back to it, I realised a lot of it applied to me. One thing I particularly trust is the DSM IV. Here is the diagnostic criteria:
One thing about me that makes me doubt that I have BPD is that the fact that I feel that I do have some control even though I feel totally out of control. I’ve never really thought about cutting myself or planning suicide though I know I may have said inappropriate things about that. Also, although I feel like I’m impulsive, I feel like I hardly give into it. Of all the things listed in number 4, I can safely say that that’s not the case for me. I’m always careful with money hardly spending it on myself because I worry for the future. Plus, I’d feel guilty. As for binge eating, I eat a lot but I don’t binge. I’m just greedy. And… always hungry… The rest on that list don’t apply to me.
Another thing that made me doubtful was number 1. It’s true that I don’t want to be abandoned. It’s true that when Grace just decided she was going to ignore for the rest of my life and act as if I’m dead, I was… there isn’t really a word to describe it. I felt broken inside. Distressed. I felt like everything was falling apart and that it was the end of the world. I cried a lot. For one person who didn’t really care about anyone. I know I went to I wouldn’t say ‘great’, but great efforts to get us back together. One included embarrassing myself in front of everyone as I chased after her one day after school when I had a club to go to practically begging for her forgiveness and to forget everything and to just started again. She didn’t listen (of course) and just walked away. I don’t want to go into full Grace rant, but I’d just like to say that it wasn’t me who insisted to be friends with her. She just decided it one day and I went along with it, learning to love her and her little (and annoying) quirks.
Even though I did that embarrassing thing and even tried (I’m not proud of this) to guilt her and others into not abandoning me or paying me a little more attention, I wouldn’t say that I go to frantic efforts to avoid being alone. If I did, I’d still be hanging around Grace while she ignored me and enjoyed having someone fuss over her. She’s big headed like that… I do, in fact, like spending time alone. I like being secluded in my room. I really do. Of course, I wouldn’t want to stay here all the time, but it’s the best place to be. My room is my natural habitat. It’s mine and I can be who I am… And who am I exactly…?
I’ve been asking that questions for years but I’ve never really gotten a straight answer. One thing I’ve learnt about BPD is that people with it adapt themselves and adopt the mannerisms of the people that surround them, so, in the end, they have loads of different personalities towards different people and when different people are in the same place with you, it’s hard to figure out who to be. And with all this adapting, you find it hard to recognise which one of these personalities is actually you. I have this hypothesis that if you want to know a little bit what a person is like, watch them by themselves. I tend to watch people as they walk. I make note of the way they walk, their expressions and how they change when they’re with a friend or someone they know. But, back on topic, I’ve noticed that I act differently around different people and I mentioned this is another post. To some people I am polite and shy, to others I’m hyper and annoying, to others I’m sarcastic or cold, to others I’m mature and reserved and to my family, I’m just this mess of emotions and confusion. Like some kind of toddler.
Once I was in a situation when I was with Grace and my primary school buddies at the same time. I found it a little difficult to adapt. I didn’t know how to act because there were people from my past who I weren’t close to so I had to act… like a normal teenager and act mature and reserved but also nice and friendly. Then there were my primary school buddies and I had to act hyper around them. And then there was Grace and normally I was sarcastic around her though not cold. Just sarcastic. The funny thing is that she’s not sarcastic. So there I was, this slightly confused mature yet childish and hyper yet still sarcastic… thing. I don’t even know what to call myself. Another time I was with people who were much older than me and with my friend Tori and she found it weird when I was acting all quiet and shy with a higher pitched voice than she was used to hearing me use.
I’m going to go ahead with number 2 (I should really do this in order) and say that I didn’t really get that one. I don’t think I’ve had any ‘intense’ or ‘unstable’ interpersonal relationships. I’m assuming that they are talking about romantic relationships and I’ve never had a boyfriend so… But I guess this could apply to friends as well. I’m not sure. As I said, I don’t really understand this one. However, I do think I understand the concept of splitting. There are times where someone does something and I immediately think ‘Oh, I really hate this person!’, or ‘I really like this person!’. There’s no in between. It’s either like or hate and I get like this for stupid reasons. I’ve got two examples:
I won’t bother explaining 6, 7 or 8 because I think it’s obvious that all those apply to me. I get irritable, anxious, I sometimes feel just empty and distant from everyone and I pretty much feel angry every day. My mum telling me that the bin still hasn’t been taken out on a Monday morning makes me so mad and I don’t even know how to explain it. I feel before I think. I feel angry, I try to explain it but I can’t seem to find the words or I do find the words, but they sound so stupid that I feel angry about getting angry in the first place. Now-a-days I don’t bother explaining and just say ‘I don’t know why I’m angry.’ or ‘You wouldn’t understand.’ It really confuses my mum. Also, around the time before Grace stopped talking to me, I would sometimes go to school in the morning and just still with my head down on my desk and start crying. I wouldn’t know why. I’d just start crying. Then I’d feel guilty for crying when there’s nothing wrong and I’d get upset about that. The guilt I feel sometimes really crushes my spirit. I always feel so guilty and for what reason?
As for number 9, I never truly got that one so I’ll leave it out.
So far, BPD is the best match to what I feel so I’m going to continue looking into it. But even so, it won’t make a difference whether I find out of not. I mean, yes I’ll feel relieved that I’m not just a bad person and that there’s actually something wrong with me, but I can’t really get better, assuming I have BPD, if I don’t tell anyone or get diagnosed and get treatment. Still, I think I’d feel a little better if I had someone I could talk to about this on a daily or even weekly basis. I used to talk to Grace about it but then look where it led me. I’ve talked about it with my friend Phoenix because she has some problems of her own, but I don’t really feel that close to her. I don’t feel that close to anyone. So for the meantime, I’m going to continue writing in notebooks, expressing my feeling through writing and working on this blog. I don’t really find much time to do any of those things, you know between homework, revision and being ill. But I’ll try my best.
I’ll make a new goal: I’m going to try and summon the courage to find someone to talk about this stuff to. Someone I can trust. Someone who will understand. Someone who gets me, or at least tries to. 😉 I feel like I’m getting closer to my friends though. Recently I’ve been revealing the world of yaoi and anime to my friend Ann. Not necessarily because I want her to like yaoi. Just because I like to creep people out and tell them loads of Japanese terms they’ll never learn,
Thanks for reading this whole chunk of writing. It means a lot. 🙂
~EpicCupcake signing out.
They sure are! I started school on Monday and I’ve actually been trying my best to live up to the promises I made for the new year. Like I said, I’m sick of being upset, socially awkward and shy and I want to just be happy and live my life the way I want. For Christmas, I got three notebooks from my sister, A4, A5 and A6 and with my now large collection of beautiful colourful notebooks, I’ve decided to use the A6 one (which I named the ‘Ferris’ because I’m weird enough to name notebooks…) to track my progress and to keep a little diary-like thingy. It doesn’t feel like a diary, because I don’t really go into that much detail about my emotions and stuff, only when necessary.
At the end of every day, I sit on my bed and get out the Ferris and write an entry called ‘Evaluation of Day’. I’ve given all my problems a number. 1=social anxiety, 2=health, 3=studying and 4=emotions and regrets. I write the numbers down and record all the important stuff I did today and give them points. I can tell you now, according to the Ferris, I’m doing quite well in the social anxiety section and the health section, because I’m setting new challenges for myself and I’m doing regular exercise (rather than none at all) and eating my five-a-day (I even ate a bloody fruit pot today! I normally hate fruit that aren’t apples or oranges, but I have to admit, it was kind of nice). On the other hand, on the studying section, I’m not doing so well. 6 points so far, from new years to now. Not very good, but I’m very lazy.
There’s also been another downside. I’ve been exercising as if I was back in primary school (I was very active back then), but my body isn’t used to exercise so now I’m half walking, half limping around everywhere. So, until next week, I’m only doing sit ups and maybe star jumps, if it doesn’t kill me…
But even with the limping, I think I’m heading towards a success. I was really worried about going back to school. I was worrying about ‘School Fever’ but I’ve been doing fine. My mood has been very stable over these last couple of days. Although I still find it a bit hard to look at Grace, things are close to being back to normal. It’s not so awkward between us anymore and I can tolerate sitting next to her in English. In fact, we still talk and laugh and have the whole class yell shut up at us every lesson, though I don’t feel any closer to her. It feels like the distance between us has increased a little. Although sometimes I do long for the days we were friends, it doesn’t actually bother me that much. I can sit on my own in the computer room with her and the other cackling away at each other and not feel any discomfort. I’m slowly getting over her. I don’t talk to her that much, and I don’t try to, though now I feel she talks to me more than I talk to her, she even complemented my hair even though it wasn’t anything special, and it makes me wonder… but I’m not going to over think this.
As for friends, I still feel a bit like a lone wolf, but Cinnamon is a great friend who’s always by my side and I don’t want to take advantage of that. Cinnamon is a little weird though, I’ve noticed. She seems to like it when people die in books… At the moment, she’s re-reading ‘Bec’, part of Darren Shan’s Demonata Saga. She told me she loved reading it because all the characters die, even the main character (a little confusing considering it was the fourth book out of ten books…) But she’s a nice and interesting person and I’m grateful to have her as my friend. Also, I very much appreciate weird people!
So… yeah, just a little update… I’ll end on this final note: I’m still working on my Challenge- I’m mixing it up with my evaluation thing and so far I’ve got about 23 points! But I’ve only really done basic stuff so from now on I’m going to challenge myself a little bit more. I have a mental list of the stuff I want to tick off such as calling people by their name which I am just unable to do. I always feel to shy to use someone’s name. I only want to do some sort of eye contact challenge, but I’ll save that for when I feel more confident. When I write my evaluation, I make a little list. Today, I managed to listen to music on the bus, something that absolutely scares me. I don’t know why, I guess I’m just worried that somehow other people can hear my music and make fun of me. But I was listening to Green Day anyway and no one can say anything bad about Green Day… I’m more worried about the songs I have that are in another language. Today I started listening to this Indonesian rock group called J-rock. Really confusing. I was expecting them to be Japanese, so I was a little confused when I didn’t hear any Japanese.
Okay! That’s enough for today! Thank you for spending a little time reading this post! 🙂
~EpicCupcake signing out.
Hey! What’s up?
One thing I always wonder is if people notice my spelling and grammar errors. I realised that on my last post, I missed out the word ‘the’ and it was so cringy… I’m just like that.
Just in case you’re wondering, things are going well in the school department. I successfully finished planning my french oral and I suspect my french teacher got a migraine from reading my google-translated work. Yes, I’m guilty for google-translating, but hey, who seriously has the time to pick out words and writing out. I already did that for my spanish so I just popped that into translator and out came my french! And, yes, I am aware that google translator isn’t very good at french grammar or even english grammar for that matter, so I analysed the text, fixed the minor errors and voila! Now I’m focusing on learning my spanish which is actually going well. I learnt two paragraphs yesterday so I have three more to learn by december. Piece of cake.
In other news, my school is having an inspection next week so the science teachers have requested that we prepare the science prefect board by the end of the week. Finally, after lots of planning and putting things off and forgeting things, Phoenix and I, as well as my other fellow prefects, got 2/3 of it done and dusted. My chemistry section fitted well and looked nice, but I wanted to add some more pictures to fill in some of the gaps. Phoenix was in charge of physics and did a nice display on meteors. I originally wanted to do physics and felt a little jealous when the others push chemistry onto me, but I like chemistry and it covers a lot of the topics I particularly like. Plus, I would’ve never thought of meteors or astronomy if I was doing physics and since we don’t learn so much about space, I figured it would be best to leave it to Phoenix. Her display looks awesome. All that’s left now is biology.
You know, now that I hang out with Cinnamon and Phoenix, I forget what hanging out with Grace used to be like. I can’t remember what we talked about. Probably random things that no one else would talk about. I’m not into talking about girl stuff and tried my best to seem enthusiastic when she talked about boys and stuff. She yawned whenever I talked about science. We’re like almost total opposites and I bet some people wonder how we even became friends in the first place. Well, now I think Grace is hanging out with people more like her. But they’re so bloody annoying when they’re together whenever we’re in the computer room for a language lesson. They all sit there watching ‘Vampire Diaries’ or whatever laughing like bloody hyenas. It’s really hard not to turn around a yell “SHUT UP, FOR GOODNESS SAKE AND DO YOUR BLOODY WORK!!!” That wouldn’t even work though. That’d make them laugh more.
But, you know, Grace and I are getting along well and even though we aren’t stuck together like glue, when we are together, it’s almost just like the old times. Now english lessons aren’t so awkward. Perhaps a bit pleasant. But we won’t be friends again. Not now, at least. I don’t need stress during my GCSEs. And speaking of GCSEs…
Today, after school, my school’s STEM club was on and I was already up in science putting up the display so I decided to join Phoenix and another girl from my form, who both help run STEM as science and technology prefects and ex-STEM club members. As a science prefect and an ex-STEM member, I thought I ought to have attended at least once. Normally I was busy on Wednesdays. My timing was great too because our ex-STEM prefect came alone to talk to the year nines about GCSE and A level. I felt really mature sitting alongside my fellow year elevens answering questions alongside our ex-STEM prefect and explaining our experiences with GCSE, colleges and A-levels. It was actually quite fun, though I got home really late. My parents picked me up at some point during my journey so at least I didn’t have to walk home in the rain.
I still can’t believe it practically snowed today…
Glimpse of Christmas, perhaps?
This is supposed to be a short post so I’ll stop here.
~EpicCupcake signing out.
Apple juice saves the day.
See the post ‘It feels like forever since…‘.