Partners in Crime Reunite?

Two posts in a day! WHOOP! This was actually meant to go with my last post but I don’t like it when my posts exceed a certain limit. Nice and short is how I like my posts- niiiice and shooooooorrrtt.

Over study leave and during exams, I got to hang out with Phoenix a lot. And Phoenix is awesome so naturally I was sad when college resumed and we had to go our separate ways (you know what I mean). She’s always in the art department and I’m always… not. So on Monday I decided to gather enough courage to ask to hang out with her. She, being the awesome friend she said we should totally hang out but if it was okay to meet her in one of the art rooms cause she had some coursework to do. So while she worked, I was content in just watching her and doing random crap on one of the computers. At one point we went hang with the some other people who do art or the like. It was a little awkward because apart from two of them (and Phoenix, of course), I had never talked to them much or ever before. Even so they were nice and one of the girls shared her party rings with me so yeah, it’s hard not to enjoy yourself when you get free food and watch funny and disturbing horror film trailers.

Anyway, whilst I was there, Grace walked in a couple of times. I never said a word to her. In fact, at one point, I was in that art computer room by myself and she was the only one in the room and that still never urged me to talk to her. She didn’t say anything to me in particular. At least nothing I remember.

Since that Monday I got sort of accustomed to that room. I mean I can chill in there and do whatever and no one asks questions or tells me to get lost so I just go there sometimes. Hence why I was there when I made my Left-handed Girl post. Actually I think that was on Monday…

So, one day, Tori and I were chilling in the art computer room and we literally just sat there and played games. I was playing Pepper Panic on Royal Games so I hardly paid attention to anyone- even when Tori was talking to me (I know, I’m so rude…) When I was in the middle of a game I thought would go well, Grace came from out of nowhere and asked me how I was. I said fine and nothing else. I didn’t ask her how she was because I reckoned she didn’t really mean it in that much of a friendly way. I mean, she’s said hi to me before when we were in close proximity for some reason so I didn’t take much notice of it. Also… I was playing Pepper Panic! (Sue me!)

When she continued talking, I realised that this wasn’t one of those random ‘how do you do’s. She started speaking to me normally as we did in high school. She was talking to me about her predicted grades and how she doesn’t know how she did better in drama than art and stuff like that. I was listening but I must’ve looked so rude because I looked totally disinterested when really I was just too focused on winning lots of jewels that day. When I WASN’T playing though, I realised that I was talking almost like normal only that my voice was a little flat because this is a girl I haven’t talked to for over a year acting like we’re amigas.

But you know, even though I had a face that said “Hmm, so it took you a year to finally come and properly talk to me, huh?”, I was secretly happy inside. A little big-headed, but mostly glad that we were talking. Because in truth I really missed her. I missed hanging out with her and laughing we her and having stupid pointless debates. I mean I gotten over that chapter of my life and I won’t die if we don’t become partners in crime once again, but it would be nice if we did, you know. I won’t wish for it, but if it’s meant to happy, I want it to happen. If she genuinely wanted to be friends again, for us to be that comedy duo again (Her being the funny (wo)man and me being the (not so) straight (cis-)man), then yeah! Let it be! At least this time, if Grace goes away again, I won’t be so weak about it. But, if it does happen, it probably means that Grace realises just how special our relationship was.

But this is all hypothetical. I’m quite content playing Pepper Panic for the time being. :3

BADASS

(A more accurate representation of the difference in our height)

~EpicCupcake signing out.

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Alternate Reality

I’ve been trying to focus on my revision recently and I said I wouldn’t really be posting, but I just found out something that sort of pissed me off so I have to write about it before I write a threatening email or chew my arm off or something (Okay, I know I wouldn’t write a threatening email…)

So I was watching the Big Bang Theory and when I was checking the episode list in Wikipedia, I realised that they’re planning to make a new season. I was ecstatic. Seriously. Then I though, I wonder what other E4 shows are getting another season. I wasn’t entirely sure the Mindy Project was being continued but I was in luck. Then I checked out the New Normal, praying there would be good news.

I was already excited when I type in ‘the new normal’ and ‘the New Normal season 2’ came up straight away. With haste and an ever growing impatience, I clicked the first link to find that it had been CANCELED and I was just devastated. Why did they cancel? Because it’s not appropriate. Why is it not appropriate? Because it features gay men. So what? So everything. I know I shouldn’t really be this angry because if I really cared that much about the show, I would have already known, but I assumed it was a one-time thing. It’s just the fact that now I know there could’ve been a second season but there isn’t. It’s like when I found out they were going to make a fourth season for Kyou Kara Maoh but they didn’t because people found the third season boring.

WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE! HAVE YOU NO EYES?!

Yeah, then I found this was probably due to this organisation called One Million Moms or 1MM for short. I’ve just been trolling around their website, in search for an email address to tell them how much I loved the New Normal, only to find out that they are targeting…

wait for it…

Good Luck Charlie.

I don’t even… *sigh*

This is all due to the fact that Charlie befriends a girl who happens to have two mothers. So what? 1MM is targeting an innocent Disney show. And for what? Telling the truth to children. Yes children, there are some people in the world who are attracted to members of their own sex and fall in love and get married and have children. What’s wrong with airing that?

Children don’t need lies. Children don’t need fantasy. Children don’t need this ‘perfect’ alternate reality.

Seriously, you have to read what it said.

One Million Moms launched an email campaign in 2013 that urged Disney officials to abandon their plans to corrupt the children’s network with LGBT content.

‘Corrupt’? Really?

Conservative families need to urge Disney to avoid controversial topics that children are far too young to comprehend.

Which basically means they can watch it once they’ve been brainwashed into becoming fully-fledged homophobes.

Maybe I’m overreacting. I don’t particularly like Good Luck Charlie anyway, or a lot of Disney Channel for that matter (after all the good shows stopped showing… 😦 ), but I still think it’s unfair. This sort of brainwashing leads to alienation. I would know; I’ve always felt a bit alienated because I know I’m different in some way, I’m just not sure what it is, exactly… If anything, Disney Channel and other people should educate children on LGBT etc. at least the stuff that matters. There’s nothing worse than feeling you’re below everyone for being different.

What’s up with 1MM anyway. Are they saying that it’s unacceptable to get married and raise a family if you’re homosexual? Rubbish. Absolute rubbish.

Dammit! I miss the New Normal. Excuse me, but I have to cry now.

~EpicCupcake *sniff* signing out.

Borderline Personality Disorder

So, yeah, for some reason I just keep getting sick. I stayed home from school today and I’ve been doing absolutely nothing. I’m SUPER hungry for some odd reason and I feel guilty because even though I was supposed to be sick, I was chasing my brother around the house and playing some kind of odd football game. I now have a headache. And I’m still hungry. I literally just ate not long ago.

But enough about what I’ve been getting up to today. Over the last few days I’ve been doing some heavy thinking. (heavy?) Worrying about my health with my asthma getting worse and my eczema going crazy and feeling hungry all the time and stuff. And then about my emotions and stuff and it makes me feel so confused.

Since ages ages ago, I’ve been doing research on every mental or personality disorder there is, trying to find out what exactly is wrong with me. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it, but I’ve been focusing a lot on Borderline Personality Disorder, which I like to refer to as BPD. And it feels kind of weird searching for my problem and then not doing anything with my answers or asking for help, but I know my parents (especially my mum) would either say that I need to pray or say that I spend to much time on the internet researching nonsense. I don’t think my parents truly believe that stuff like BPD and other disorders actually exist. They probably think it’s just something people made up to get attention or whatever. That’s one reason I can’t talk to my parents.

So, about BPD, I’ve done a lot of online personality disorder tests, and I’ve gone on lots of websites and I’ve seen loads of documentaries and my understanding of the disorder (gosh, I’m so hungry) lead me to believe that I might actually have the disorder. When I came across it for the first time, I didn’t really see what they described in myself, but over time as I kept coming back to it, I realised a lot of it applied to me. One thing I particularly trust is the DSM IV. Here is the diagnostic criteria:

  1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
  2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called “splitting.”
  3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
  4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
  5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
  6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
  7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
  8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
  9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

One thing about me that makes me doubt that I have BPD is that the fact that I feel that I do have some control even though I feel totally out of control. I’ve never really thought about cutting myself or planning suicide though I know I may have said inappropriate things about that. Also, although I feel like I’m impulsive, I feel like I hardly give into it. Of all the things listed in number 4, I can safely say that that’s not the case for me. I’m always careful with money hardly spending it on myself because I worry for the future. Plus, I’d feel guilty. As for binge eating, I eat a lot but I don’t binge. I’m just greedy. And… always hungry… The rest on that list don’t apply to me.

Another thing that made me doubtful was number 1. It’s true that I don’t want to be abandoned. It’s true that when Grace just decided she was going to ignore for the rest of my life and act as if I’m dead, I was… there isn’t really a word to describe it. I felt broken inside. Distressed. I felt like everything was falling apart and that it was the end of the world. I cried a lot. For one person who didn’t really care about anyone. I know I went to I wouldn’t say ‘great’, but great efforts to get us back together. One included embarrassing myself in front of everyone as I chased after her one day after school when I had a club to go to practically begging for her forgiveness and to forget everything and to just started again. She didn’t listen (of course) and just walked away. I don’t want to go into full Grace rant, but I’d just like to say that it wasn’t me who insisted to be friends with her. She just decided it one day and I went along with it, learning to love her and her little (and annoying) quirks.

Even though I did that embarrassing thing and even tried (I’m not proud of this) to guilt her and others into not abandoning me or paying me a little more attention, I wouldn’t say that I go to frantic efforts to avoid being alone. If I did, I’d still be hanging around Grace while she ignored me and enjoyed having someone fuss over her. She’s big headed like that… I do, in fact, like spending time alone. I like being secluded in my room. I really do. Of course, I wouldn’t want to stay here all the time, but it’s the best place to be. My room is my natural habitat. It’s mine and I can be who I am… And who am I exactly…?

I’ve been asking that questions for years but I’ve never really gotten a straight answer. One thing I’ve learnt about BPD is that people with it adapt themselves and adopt the mannerisms of the people that surround them, so, in the end, they have loads of different personalities towards different people and when different people are in the same place with you, it’s hard to figure out who to be. And with all this adapting, you find it hard to recognise which one of these personalities is actually you. I have this hypothesis that if you want to know a little bit what a person is like, watch them by themselves. I tend to watch people as they walk. I make note of the way they walk, their expressions and how they change when they’re with a friend or someone they know. But, back on topic, I’ve noticed that I act differently around different people and I mentioned this is another post. To some people I am polite and shy, to others I’m hyper and annoying, to others I’m sarcastic or cold, to others I’m mature and reserved and to my family, I’m just this mess of emotions and confusion. Like some kind of toddler.

Once I was in a situation when I was with Grace and my primary school buddies at the same time. I found it a little difficult to adapt. I didn’t know how to act because there were people from my past who I weren’t close to so I had to act… like a normal teenager and act mature and reserved but also nice and friendly. Then there were my primary school buddies and I had to act hyper around them. And then there was Grace and normally I was sarcastic around her though not cold. Just sarcastic. The funny thing is that she’s not sarcastic. So there I was, this slightly confused mature yet childish and hyper yet still sarcastic… thing. I don’t even know what to call myself. Another time I was with people who were much older than me and with my friend Tori and she found it weird when I was acting all quiet and shy with a higher pitched voice than she was used to hearing me use.

I’m going to go ahead with number 2 (I should really do this in order) and say that I didn’t really get that one. I don’t think I’ve had any ‘intense’ or ‘unstable’ interpersonal relationships. I’m assuming that they are talking about romantic relationships and I’ve never had a boyfriend so… But I guess this could apply to friends as well. I’m not sure. As I said, I don’t really understand this one. However, I do think I understand the concept of splitting. There are times where someone does something and I immediately think ‘Oh, I really hate this person!’, or ‘I really like this person!’. There’s no in between. It’s either like or hate and I get like this for stupid reasons. I’ve got two examples:

  1. Devaluation: My dad and I are sitting at the dining table using our laptops. I go somewhere and come back to find that my laptop is off because my dad accidentally unplugged it thinking it was his. I got soooooo mad about that. That’s one thing I ABSOLUTELY HATE. If you really want to make me mad, don’t punch me, just unplug my laptop. My battery has malfunctioned so I don’t use it anymore. The only source of my laptop’s power is the mains. Seriously, unplug my laptop and I will hate you for a good hour or so. I’d cry, I’d yell, I’d mutter to myself and if I’m just particularly irritated, I’d even throw things across  my room or start ripping up paper and marvel the beautiful artwork I’ve made on the floor. Yeah… I’m crazy.
  2. Idealisation: I’ll give a general example. I meet a stranger on the bus or wherever and witness them doing something nice for someone and it can be the littlest thing and BAM! I’m instantly in love with them. And when I say ‘in love’ I don’t mean it like that but… you know… I’d admire them. I’d want to be friends with that person and start to imagine it. Sometimes if people pay me particular attention when they don’t normally, I suddenly feel like I’m connected to that person. I also admire them so much and put them on a pedestal. Then if they ignore me (basically, not treat me like a close friend) that pedestal would just crumble and they are insignificant again.

I won’t bother explaining 6, 7 or 8 because I think it’s obvious that all those apply to me. I get irritable, anxious, I sometimes feel just empty and distant from everyone and I pretty much feel angry every day. My mum telling me that the bin still hasn’t been taken out on a Monday morning makes me so mad and I don’t even know how to explain it. I feel before I think. I feel angry, I try to explain it but I can’t seem to find the words or I do find the words, but they sound so stupid that I feel angry about getting angry in the first place. Now-a-days I don’t bother explaining and just say ‘I don’t know why I’m angry.’ or ‘You wouldn’t understand.’ It really confuses my mum. Also, around the time before Grace stopped talking to me, I would sometimes go to school in the morning and just still with my head down on my desk and start crying. I wouldn’t know why. I’d just start crying. Then I’d feel guilty for crying when there’s nothing wrong and I’d get upset about that. The guilt I feel sometimes really crushes my spirit. I always feel so guilty and for what reason?

As for number 9, I never truly got that one so I’ll leave it out.

So far, BPD is the best match to what I feel so I’m going to continue looking into it. But even so, it won’t make a difference whether I find out of not. I mean, yes I’ll feel relieved that I’m not just a bad person and that there’s actually something wrong with me, but I can’t really get better, assuming I have BPD, if I don’t tell anyone or get diagnosed and get treatment. Still, I think I’d feel a little better if I had someone I could talk to about this on a daily or even weekly basis. I used to talk to Grace about it but then look where it led me. I’ve talked about it with my friend Phoenix because she has some problems of her own, but I don’t really feel that close to her. I don’t feel that close to anyone. So for the meantime, I’m going to continue writing in notebooks, expressing my feeling through writing and working on this blog. I don’t really find much time to do any of those things, you know between homework, revision and being ill. But I’ll try my best.

I’ll make a new goal: I’m going to try and summon the courage to find someone to talk about this stuff to. Someone I can trust. Someone who will understand. Someone who gets me, or at least tries to. 😉 I feel like I’m getting closer to my friends though. Recently I’ve been revealing the world of yaoi and anime to my friend Ann. Not necessarily because I want her to like yaoi. Just because I like to creep people out and tell them loads of Japanese terms they’ll never learn,

Thanks for reading this whole chunk of writing. It means a lot. 🙂

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Busy Week Ahead!/Scary School Children

My message to all bullies.
You’re gonna hear me…

It sure has been a while… Well, just so you know, I have been studying and eating well and stuff. I haven’t just been lazying about eating biscuits and reading manga…

I’ve been kind of… stuck thinking of a post recently so I haven’t really written anything until now because, finally, I have something to talk about! So… I’ll just get on with that.

This week is quite a bit eventful for me with a couple of stuff line up for me each day including Saturday my beautiful, beautiful rest day that I have to spend in school and church. Horrible, isn’t it?

Anyway, tomorrow I’ve volunteered to do this… well… I’m not entirely sure what it is, but I have to give this talk, along with other year 11 students  to year 9s about GCSE. I’ve already talked to the STEM club in my school some time ago with two other prefects, but that was more science and technology based (because it was STEM club). This is going to be a general talk about GCSEs especially Triple Science, Geography, History and other subjects. I can’t wait to shock the year 9s when I tell them I only got one of my choices. Heh heh. But most importantly, I really want to help them make the right decisions (e.g. don’t take music or extra languages… just kidding.) so that they will be happy with what they are learning, get good grades and be ready for whatever college has to throw at them.

And, you know, thinking about doing this talk thingy makes me think ‘wow, I’ve actually got experience in something!’ And I do; I’ve been doing this for over a year now and, to be quite honest, I want out. buuuuuut, that isn’t going to happen until June so until then, GCSEs have to be my best friend! It’s hard to believe that I’m in the oldest year group in my school. I mean, some students stretch over me and I feel like a dwarf at school, even though I am quite tall. And also, about 90% of the girls in years 7-10 wear 20 times as much make up as I do (which is just, like, Vaseline with the occasional lip gloss) They’re all so scary and intimidating (okay, maybe not all of them) and I forget that I’m a good 2 years older than the scariest ones.

I think one of the worst group of people to get bullied by are younger students. Not only do they just hurt your feelings, they also hurt you pride which is pretty painful.

I would know.

About two years ago, or one, it was a really rainy and humid day and I was just casually on the bus when these boys got on. I overheard them talking about someone (more like mocking someone) and laughing. I assumed they were making fun of this man nearby and I felt sorry for him. It was only when they left the bus that I learnt the cruel truth. One of the boys said to me:

‘Hey, ever heard of a brush?’ And he laughed his stupid laugh as he hopped off the bus quickly with his friends. I glared at them, naturally, but then as I walked home in the pouring unforgiving rain with no umbrella to keep my fuzzy mane of a hair from getting any worse, I started to cry. I had been cruelly mocked in public, the very thing I had always feared. I mean, it’s bad enough in school but in public it’s just… But the worst part was that I took out my mirror and I checked my hair and it was perfectly fine! The same as always. It hadn’t puffed up or disobeyed the laws of gravity. It was absolutely fine and I was furious!

So yeah, no matter how young or childish the younger ones look, they’re still pretty scary. At lot of them are actually mature though I’m starting to view the younger ones as a little annoying. No offense, but they like to challenge and intimidate our year and like to run around moaning about how much homework they have, or at least that’s how it is in my school. When I was in year 7, I used to hate it when the year 11s called us little children, and they were incorrect to call us that, we were still young adults, but I kind of get where they’re coming from.

The other day I was waiting at the bus stop and I saw this small girl in year 7 with her mum. The bus came and I hopped on along with her and other people. But then the bus was packed and the door closed before her mother could get on, and the way she cried and shrieked at the bus driver telling him to open the door that her ‘mummy is out there!’ really surprised me. She only had to stay on for one stop and either wait for her mum to come or to walk back which, to be honest, wasn’t that far. Still, I guess the bus driver should’ve let her get off or something, if not let her mum on. I thought I should’ve been a good senpai and helped her, but from her hysterical expression, I was worried she’d scratch me or something, I really was. Plus, I wouldn’t want to let my shyness take over and start stammering or something…

It was kind of funny though… Now that I think about it… Am I a bad person?

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Results’ Day/Exam Pressure and Revision

Yesterday in school, there was a little practice- a ‘dress rehearsal’ was what the teachers called it- of what would happen about seven months from now. Yes… result’s day. After those grueling two weeks of torture known as exams, and a Christmas holiday that was more of a I’m-so-nervous-I’m-gonna-wet my-pants holiday, we finally got our results for our mock exams. I have to say, I was pleased with what I got. All As and A*s except for one grade… English. English language. The exam I thought I pretty much aced it. I didn’t even get a B for it. My grade dropped straight down to a C, which is still good, but it’s three grades below my target grade and, most importantly, my English teacher’s going to give me a hard time about it. Still, it doesn’t bother me that much.

There were an assortment of grades with a mixture of tears of relief and tears or disappointment yesterday and today. People were eagerly asking each other what they got and showing off their amazing grades. Others were in tears, talking to teachers. Like an good teacher, they encouraged then not to give up and to change those grades by the time summer comes. One of my friends told me today that she hated it when people who were smarter than her said their grades and asked what she got. I agreed with her- it’s not fair at all. It’s embarrassing. Which was why I pretty much stayed quiet about my grade only speaking of my English Language grade and only really asking the people in my English class what they got for that. And, like the ‘ever so modest person I am’ when other asked me about my grades, I said them, smiled and kind of looked down. and whispered a thank you when they congratulated me. It’s like I’m torn between being modest and not seeming stuck up. It’s kind of complicated, I can’t really explain it.

I’m sure the buzz about exams won’t die down any soon. Though now that we’ve got our mock results GCSE results’ day style, the tension is building and the pressure is even more suffocating. I’m glad that for a lot of my subject, there’s no coursework, and for the coursework I do have, it’s controlled conditions so I don’t need to work on it at home and in my free time. Nevertheless, there’s still a lot I need to do. I need to start thinking about resits for my music since I’ve got a string of Bs hanging round my neck and it’s only my final exam that can push it to an A. I would redo them, if I wasn’t nervous as hell… and if I hadn’t lost the pieces… That wasn’t very wise of me…

And then there’s English to worry about. I have no idea how I got the grade I did. I tried to pin it on my writing, but I got an A in Literature so I’m not quite sure. It’s horrible to not be good at English Language, because there isn’t really a clear way to up your score. If it’s something like science of maths, you can do quick questions or just look up… I don’t know… limestone on BBC Bitesize.

At the moment, I’m really thinking of strategies to help me revise, but I never look at notes and I get board of cue cards. I tried to make a game on Stencyl, a PowerPoint Presentation, a board game, but nothing seems to fit me. Only test papers seem to work and there are a limited number of test papers out there. There will come a time when the pressure will be too much and I have virtually no time left and I’ll probably crack from the pressure. I suddenly wish I was back in year 10 so I can take my revision more seriously. Every year, the teachers say ‘Start your revision now! From the beginning!’. Every year, everyone ignores them. Every year, they regret it. If I could go back in time, I’d start making my notes. Of course, I can’t go back, and I wouldn’t anyway; I’ve already done so much. To make notes now for everything would take forever though so I’ll stick to my normal revision method: books and the internet.

Wish me luck for… about 4 months?

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Update: Things are looking good!

超可愛い!

 

They sure are! I started school on Monday and I’ve actually been trying my best to live up to the promises I made for the new year. Like I said, I’m sick of being upset, socially awkward and shy and I want to just be happy and live my life the way I want. For Christmas, I got three notebooks from my sister, A4, A5 and A6 and with my now large collection of beautiful colourful notebooks, I’ve decided to use the A6 one (which I named the ‘Ferris’ because I’m weird enough to name notebooks…) to track my progress and to keep a little diary-like thingy. It doesn’t feel like a diary, because I don’t really go into that much detail about my emotions and stuff, only when necessary.

At the end of every day, I sit on my bed and get out the Ferris and write an entry called ‘Evaluation of Day’. I’ve given all my problems a number. 1=social anxiety, 2=health, 3=studying and 4=emotions and regrets. I write the numbers down and record all the important stuff I did today and give them points. I can tell you now, according to the Ferris, I’m doing quite well in the social anxiety section and the health section, because I’m setting new challenges for myself and I’m doing regular exercise (rather than none at all) and eating my five-a-day (I even ate a bloody fruit pot today! I normally hate fruit that aren’t apples or oranges, but I have to admit, it was kind of nice). On the other hand, on the studying section, I’m not doing so well. 6 points so far, from new years to now. Not very good, but I’m very lazy.

There’s also been another downside. I’ve been exercising as if I was back in primary school (I was very active back then), but my body isn’t used to exercise so now I’m half walking, half limping around everywhere. So, until next week, I’m only doing sit ups and maybe star jumps, if it doesn’t kill me…

But even with the limping, I think I’m heading towards a success. I was really worried about going back to school. I was worrying about ‘School Fever’ but I’ve been doing fine. My mood has been very stable over these last couple of days. Although I still find it a bit hard to look at Grace, things are close to being back to normal. It’s not so awkward between us anymore and I can tolerate sitting next to her in English. In fact, we still talk and laugh and have the whole class yell shut up at us every lesson, though I don’t feel any closer to her. It feels like the distance between us has increased a little. Although sometimes I do long for the days we were friends, it doesn’t actually bother me that much. I can sit on my own in the computer room with her and the other cackling away at each other and not feel any discomfort. I’m slowly getting over her. I don’t talk to her that much, and I don’t try to, though now I feel she talks to me more than I talk to her, she even complemented my hair even though it wasn’t anything special, and it makes me wonder… but I’m not going to over think this.

As for friends, I still feel a bit like a lone wolf, but Cinnamon is a great friend who’s always by my side and I don’t want to take advantage of that. Cinnamon is a little weird though, I’ve noticed. She seems to like it when people die in books… At the moment, she’s re-reading ‘Bec’, part of Darren Shan’s Demonata Saga. She told me she loved reading it because all the characters die, even the main character (a little confusing considering it was the fourth book out of ten books…) But she’s a nice and interesting person and I’m grateful to have her as my friend. Also, I very much appreciate weird people!

So… yeah, just a little update… I’ll end on this final note: I’m still working on my Challenge- I’m mixing it up with my evaluation thing and so far I’ve got about 23 points! But I’ve only really done basic stuff so from now on I’m going to challenge myself a little bit more. I have a mental list of the stuff I want to tick off such as calling people by their name which I am just unable to do. I always feel to shy to use someone’s name. I only want to do some sort of eye contact challenge, but I’ll save that for when I feel more confident. When I write my evaluation, I make a little list. Today, I managed to listen to music on the bus, something that absolutely scares me. I don’t know why, I guess I’m just worried that somehow other people can hear my music and make fun of me. But I was listening to Green Day anyway and no one can say anything bad about Green Day… I’m more worried about the songs I have that are in another language. Today I started listening to this Indonesian rock group called J-rock. Really confusing. I was expecting them to be Japanese, so I was a little confused when I didn’t hear any Japanese.

Okay! That’s enough for today! Thank you for spending a little time reading this post! 🙂

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Merry Christmas!

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Okay, it’s only Christmas Eve, but I’ve been itching to make a post since I haven’t made one in, like, a decade.

This holiday has been hardly a holiday. I’ve been either stuck at home babysitting my brother or dragged outside into the cold to do Christmas shopping in the rain. To think that Christmas is only in a couple of hours and I haven’t really had any time to myself. The only time I’ve had to myself was when I was sleeping. Seriously. I’ve been waking up as late as possible everyday until my back starts to ache and stomach starts grumbling. But I don’t even feel hungry during the holidays. Today I had hot chocolate and mini yumyums for breakfast and McDonalds for dinner. No lunch. I didn’t even feel hungry, but I wanted to eat anyway to get my mind off shopping.

Gosh, I hate shopping.

And now that I’ve started ranting, I’d like to add this: Whenever holidays approach, I become ill. Almost 100% of the time. It’s not even funny. Something always happens. On the last day of school this term, I caught a cold when my school’s concert choir had to sing in front of ks4. I was right at the front with snot dripping from my nose like drops of water from a tap. I didn’t have any tissue. Best day to forget my tissue… Luckily, I was on the bus with Phoenix that day and she gave me a tissue. How kind. I mean it. I’m not being sarcastic or anything. I honestly felt like crying. But I didn’t. Funny how we were on the bus together on the last day of a term on the upper deck. Just like the last day of school last school year. I don’t know if that’s funny or scary.

My cold or whatever seemed to get better until I went out again with my mum and sister to buy chocolates for friends and family.My eyes were itchy, my nose was running (but at least I came prepared!!) and I just happened to run into someone in my school. I didn’t even recognise her at first and I’m not sure if it was due to my poor eyesight, her strange new cool hairstyle that she didn’t have that morning or my disorientation. Well, whatever it was, I was still embarrassed when I stared right at her, wondering if it was her, deciding it wasn’t and then finding her saying hi to me the next minute. So embarrassing. Plus, I was walking around aimlessly with a pack of doughnuts in my hand. It made me feel so fat, but I couldn’t leave them behind. I love doughnuts. If I ever become fat, it will be Asda’s fault.

Also, this holiday, I have already been injured twice (or thrice, I’m not counting): when my little brother took a spoon and tried to ‘feed’ me and ended up jabbing me in the gum. I was bleeding. The other time was when I was running upstairs. I skipped two stairs and banged my toe. My nail ripped and I was rolling around on the floor, squealing in pain.

But what has any of this got to do with Christmas? I really should just stop ranting about my not-very-christmas-y holiday and start making it better and baking cupcakes. That’ll make me feel better.

But wrapping up coal, addressing it to my dad, dropping it under the tree and watching his expression as he opened it would definitely cheer me up. Too bad I already got him a present… Oh well, there’s next year! 😛

Merry Christmas! Hope you have a wonderful day full of eating, opening presents and procrastinating!

~EpicCupcake signing out.