GIMME MY DAMN STEROIDS!

With exam stress and hayfever and the rest, my eczema/asthma/hayfever- that troublesome trio- have been acting up and, quite frankly, it hurt to… well, move. I’m not going to formulate a longwinded rant here because within my almost 16 years on this planet, I’ve had a lot of time to complain.

I went to my GP the other day after waiting for weeks to see them about my tedious sore throat and cough or whatever it was, and now that it had gone, like, ages ago, I went to talk about my eczema and my spontaneous flare ups. Flare ups that just happen. There’s no warning, no trigger, no anything. I just wake up and then BOOM! flare up.

So for some odd reason (Maybe I was feeling a bit too optimistic; my moods have been fluctuating to extremes lately…) I thought the doctor could actually HELP me. Boy, was I wrong. And boy, was I stupid.

I got there, after being mocked by a couple of boys on account of my lack of fashion sense (my mum later told me I looked like I had just gotten out of bed…Thanks mum.) and saw the doctor. My clothes choice must’ve screamed immature because his voice moved up a little in pitch (throwing in a little music revision) and he made lots of eye contact and I honestly felt like a kid.

It obviously didn’t bother me that much because I went right ahead and told him the problem like a mature young adult and not a shy toddler in a teenagers body, clinging to their mummy because they don’t want to talk. I swear, eczema must be considered an easy and hard disease or disorder for doctors. Hard because no one really knows what the hell causes it in the first place, and what the hell you have to do to make it stop. Easy because you don’t have to do much.

“Moisturise when it’s itchy.” Thanks Sherlock! Why do doctors, parent and pretty much everyone without eczema assume the itching magically disappears if you put a little cream on it. If that were the case, I’d go to school looking as oily as a Christmas turkey! This is sort of turning into a rant. I guess I haven’t gotten it all out of my system.

So I got the doctor to prescribe me more cream and some antihistamines that I didn’t even request and can’t, and probably won’t, use, said thank you, got the creams and antihistamines, used them, then scratched some more. My life is pretty cyclical.

In my life, there have been only three treatments that have ever work for me: this chinese remedy thingymajigimnotreallysurewhatitactuallywas, UV radiation photo therapy also known as light treatment, and steroids. Since I’m sure the store that sold the chinese remedy thingymajigimnotreallysurewhatitactuallywas has closed or whatever actually happened and I’m not very keen on photo therapy and have only had it once (not one time, just many over some time period), I’m cool with just sticking to the steroids. I’ve managed to receive topical corticosteroids creams/ointments a couple of times and I don’t use a lot anyway so they last, but for some reason no doctor will prescribe me the tablets which, actually, really make a difference. Sure it’s wise to keep taking steroids because of one reason or the other but I’m sure if I use them, I won’t have to use the steroid creams for a while. Plus, it’s not like I’m going to grow anymore.

I guess I’m a little annoyed at how doctors don’t even care about eczema sufferers. They either think they’ve got it worked out (Cream! Use cream and then, abracadabra you’re cured!!) or maybe they’ve just given up on me. After all, they said I’d outgrow it nine years ago and… here I am! If they can’t do anything or just can’t be bothered, they could just slip me some damn steroids and problem solve… temporarily… but hey- I’d take it over not solved at all!

I must sound like a drug addict… Maybe I am.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

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Significant Other (He’s/She’s So Fine)

feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeels

I’m taking a full day off revision so I decided to write something. Also, this could help my English- I really need the practice…

So yeah, this is a post is a reply to the daily prompt (I don’t have anything better to write about; my brain at the moment is 30% revision 70% cold squidgy mush).

I don’t like to lie, and I’m also pretty bad at it, so I’ll tell the truth. I don’t have a significant other. But there is someone who I wouldn’t exactly hate if they happen to ever become my significant other. Yeah, that’s all I’m saying about that, My sister already ‘accidentally’ read my blog one day so I’m being extra careful.

But if I had a type I’d say they’d have to meet a couple of requirements.

  1. They’d have to be weird: Seriously, if they weren’t weird then I’d just feel awkward the whole time. I have a couple (a couple?) of weird habits like blurting out strange things or… smelling steroid creams… Plus, weird people are different and therefore interesting. I don’t normally go for mass produced personalities.
  2. They’d have to be accepting: I’ve got more flaws than good points so… Plus it’ll be hard to date someone who’s got a bloody phobia of phones.
  3. They’d have to be honest: I don’t like lies. Liars are unappealing. I always like and appreciate people who are so real. There are so many fake people around me… It’s suffocating…
  4. They’d have to be loyal: Someone I can trust to stay by my side.
  5. They’d have to be thoughtful: They don’t have to be amazingly kind and caring, but they’d need to be considerate about others as well as their self. 
  6. They’d have to be able to notice me: I’m pretty much invisible. I’m like the girl version of Kuroko, but I suck at basketball. Once I meet that someone who picks me out from the crowd or across the room (or anywhere for that matter), I’ll fall head over heels in love. Or maybe I’d just feel a bit cocky.

As for physical appearance… I don’t really care that much. Though I like soft skin. And great smiles. Real smiles. Not facebook smiles. But physical appearance isn’t that important. A really good-looking guy with the personality of a rock cannot be compared to a plain average looking guy with a colourful, interesting and different personality. Yeah.

But, you know, you fall for who you fall for. That’s it.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Being Atopic- I’m Highly Sensitive

Not that kind of sensitive…

A kind of serious topic today. Not serious serious but not jokey either.

Today, for once, I looked up something other than personality disorders on health websites.Today I looked up atopic eczema and asthma. Quite some time ago, I had to do this first aid course in school during my P.E. lessons, since being in year 10 (or 11- can’t remember) and not being a P.E. GCSE student, there wasn’t much to do during that time. I felt kind of ashamed that, being the only one in that lesson with asthma, I hardly knew much about it. Same with eczema, though it’s more severe than my asthma so naturally I know more about it.

So, after doing two pieces of homework (yawn) I opened Google and started doing some research. A word I can across often was the word ‘atopic’. I knew what it meant but I didn’t have a solid definition. I found out it meant sensitive to allergens and indeed sensitive I was… and am… currently… I find it ironic that I’m both physically sensitive and emotionally sensitive…

Reading through the page on eczema (and by ‘reading through’ I mean watching a video and quickly skim reading) I didn’t learn much. Most of the stuff I had read or heard before. Still, I learnt a bit about how corticosteroids work and why they can increase blood pressure.

With asthma, I found out that the airway walls swell up due to some trigger which, surprisingly, can be stress or anxiety as well as allergens like dust. When I was learning about renal failure, transplants and dialysis in biology, I had some difficulty breathing which could have actually been caused by the fact that renal failure terrifies me. Not to mention I’m only a couple of months away from my final exams and have a whole truckload of knowledge that I must cram into my head before that time. Yikes…

But going back to eczema, I read about a list of complications that arise with people who are atopic- mainly behavioural problems. The first thing talked about was bullying and I can’t imagine someone bullying someone because they have eczema. Personally, I had never been bullied for that reason. Probably because my eczema affected discrete areas like the back of my knees or the inside of my elbow which were covered by my tights and jump etc. Though, in primary school, sometimes random children asked why I scratched so much and that did annoy me.

Though I kind of agree that eczema can affect you psychologically. Having severe eczema means you can’t do certain things that others can. I couldn’t swim in the ocean because my skin would start to burn, I couldn’t use any cream that isn’t prescribed, there are a lot of make up I can’t wear, I can’t have pets (I had rabbits and a hamster though. But, with my allergies, it was hard and I had to take extreme measures or else. I currently have no pets.), I can’t use bath soap or those cute little bath bombs or gels or whatever (I can’t even use Simple Soap!), I can’t eat certain foods and I can develop allergies randomly to things I’ve never been allergic to. Fish have always been against me. When I was younger, there were a couple of fish I couldn’t eat, but I could still eat stuff like sardines and tuna which I love, but I as I found fish that I didn’t react to, days later I would react to them and it’s horrible. Now I avoid all fish. Just being around cooked fish triggers my eczema. I will never be able to eat sushi with actual fish. It saddens me so… *sob*

The website also said something about sleep disturbance. I can certainly vouch for that. Earlier on this week, I had one of those nights where I think endlessly about something and whether I’m awake or asleep I’m not entirely sure. And then when I ‘wake up’ at about 3am in the morning, I realise I’m covered in rashes and that I had been scratching the entire night. It’s horrible really. That night I was thinking about Peripetie and how Schoenberg removed clarinets from the piece because they somehow caused controversy. That’s not true, of course, but for some reason that was all I could think about. Then for about half an hour or even up to an hour, I had to sit upright because it actually hurt to lie down. Eventually I gave into the pain and fell asleep, but I was grumpy in the morning. Like, really grumpy.

The next morning, I decide to take a slightly stronger antihistamine called chlorophenamine which I had taken regularly once and made me even more irritable than usual. I was already irritable after not getting any sleep that day and the medicine only made it worse.

Self-confidence was the last thing the website talked about and even though generally I have little confidence, if any at all, I’m not entirely sure how that could be cause by having eczema. Still, being atopic means that I’ve had to depend on my parents a lot and I am a very dependent person, though I don’t like to admit it. I can’t even imagine going to uni. I don’t want to go to a uni too far from London- too far from my parents. Even having eczema for 15 years, I’m not confident enough to manage it on my own. And it’s not like I can just have a lie-in every time I have a bad flare up. Eczema complicates my life, though not so much. I can’t even image how many new complications will arise by the time I’m living away from home. I don’t even want to think about it.

Well, I’ve kind of rambled here, but I wanted to talked about eczema and asthma and being atopic and stuff. It’s not something I talk about with other people. I’ve always thought it would just bother those who aren’t suffering from the same thing, or something just as serious.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Say What You Feel Like Saying

I’m going to take advantage of this little free time I have a write something:

I’m a very held-back person- the exact opposite to my friend Grace who literally say anything that comes across her mind. I, on the other hand, think of something to say but never say it. And it’s sad really, because I try so hard to think of something worthwhile to say, but end up coming up with random rubbish.

I just wish I could open my mouth and just say what’s on my mind. But, then again, there’s the problem of people hating me or talking about me behind my back and who can forget the major problem- who would listen? I’m practically (sometimes, I believe I’m literally) invisible!

Y’know back in primary school, Grace and I (though we didn’t know each other at the time) were opposites. Grace was quiet and unsociable and I was loud and energetic. Still, being loud and energetic and being able to say exactly what’s on my mind did no good for me. My primary school ‘classmates’ gave me varies labels: ‘annoying’, ‘moody’, ‘cry-baby’ (I cried a lot) etc. and I think that’s why I’m the way I am now. I’m always, dare I say, ‘scared’ of being disproved of and my primary goal is to get people to like me. That’s probably why I turned into this weird, unsociable, shy, held-back girl who tries her best to please people and doesn’t let them know how she’s feeling or give them the chance to talk about me behind my back. That didn’t work; I got labeled as rude because I hardly talked. In fact, back in year eight, this girl who was in my art class (and a lot of my other classes) once commanded me to speak. I was embarrassed by that but I hid that by giving her an odd look and saying ‘Um… hi?’.

Recently, I’ve been trying to convince myself that none of it matters and I think it’s working, but very, very, sloooooooowly. But it doesn’t matter, I’m finally coping with school and I don’t feel as crazy as I normally do. I still need to work on the eye contact thing though. I try to make eye contact but then look like I’m staring right into someone’s soul and then avoid it all together. Yep… gotta sort that out…

I still wonder what life will be like when I reach college. I’ll still be the same at home- as childish as ever- but I’m worried about making friends and that sort of stuff. I had a taster day at the college that’s linked to my school and the boy’s school across the road. In the taster physics lesson I had, the class was literally a sea of boys with three other girls from my school and I had a major coughing fit because I was so nervous. I was scarred for life. I guess it wasn’t all that bad; it was almost like the boys weren’t there because when the teacher asked questions, only us girls answered. Eventually the teacher got some of the guys to answer, but he didn’t get much out of them… This is what the class looked like:

Image

 

I was in the front row filled with only boys. Oh the horror. It’s not like I can’t talk to them, no I’ve had much practice talk to a handful of Grace’s friends (she’s a guy magnet, seriously). I guess it’s just when there are a large group of them. I just pray that there will be more girls in my physics class next year and I hope everyone will be as enthusiastic as me (I’m a totally science nerd 🙂 )

I’ve totally gone off topic…

Well anyway…

Mary Hooper’s books are pretty good. Especially ‘Newes from the Dead’

Yeah…

~EpicCupcake signing out.

 

Dear Diary: First Day of School

Haha, oh Spongebob… *sighs*

School has officially commenced!

Surprisingly enough, my first day of school went great! Grace was back and so were my other friends so I wasn’t alone most of the time. I still have the same subjects so it’s obvious that I’d be in most of the same classes but I’ve still moved a few and have new teachers… Haven’t met any of them yet… That’ll be tomorrow.

It was mostly a normal day apart from the fact that I came in at 7:30 for reasons I can’t be bothered to explain because I’ve already got homework, my teachers keep going on and on about revision and I’m quite tired. Anyway- back to the topic- I was surprised at my mood today at school. Normally, at least during one point of the day, I’ll be upset or angry in some way. Always… almost always… But today I was just happy overall so it looks like I may be able to achieve my goals that I set a few posts ago.

Still, I’m not talking that much in school and I’m still the quiet girl in the corner of the room, unless I’m with Grace, that is. It’s funny how friends bring out a different side of you. I was mostly silent in my maths class, only daring twice to ask the person next to me how to do a certain question. I stupidly came late and there were hardly any seats left so I had to sit with people that I find it really really really difficult to talk to. I’m pretty sure there were many chances I could join in with the conversation but I was too scared to. I guess social anxiety is a lot harder to beat even if you’re all positive and happy…

Still, that didn’t ruin my mood. I got to sit in the special year 11 canteen today and although it’s really cramped (no different than the other canteen) it was a nicer, more pleasant experience because seriously, if I hear ‘happy birthday to you’ one more time, I swear- I WILL explode. (figuratively, of course 😉 )

And as for my default pissed off face, I think it’ll be a while before I’ll see it again.

I wonder what actually caused my general good mood? Was it the fact that I’ve been taking really good care of my skin lately? Was it because I did my hair? Was it because I’ve been drinking water every chance I get? Was it because I planted good thoughts in my mind. Was it because I viewed everything uncomfortable that happened as a chance for a challenge? Or was it because I did some yoga the day before? (Yeah, I did yoga. In my cramped room, of course; I was too nervous to let anyone else see) Maybe it’s a combination. If it was a combination, then let me give you some advice:

  1. Be determined to change.
  2. Take care of yourself (health, body and fitness)
  3. View everything as a challenge (believe me, that stopped me from crying)
  4. Plant good thoughts in your head.

On my phone (I have a crappy blackberry) this is the message I have on my locked screen

You are kind, fun and very important. Don’t forget that 😉

Smile and think positively

And in the background, it has this:

‘couldn’t you earn money doing this?’

Okay, showing you that wasn’t necessary.

In conclusion! I believe that I will not be catching ‘school fever’ anytime soon. Maybe when mock exams begin (month’s time)

well, until next time!

~EpicCupcake signing out.