Partners in Crime Reunite?

Two posts in a day! WHOOP! This was actually meant to go with my last post but I don’t like it when my posts exceed a certain limit. Nice and short is how I like my posts- niiiice and shooooooorrrtt.

Over study leave and during exams, I got to hang out with Phoenix a lot. And Phoenix is awesome so naturally I was sad when college resumed and we had to go our separate ways (you know what I mean). She’s always in the art department and I’m always… not. So on Monday I decided to gather enough courage to ask to hang out with her. She, being the awesome friend she said we should totally hang out but if it was okay to meet her in one of the art rooms cause she had some coursework to do. So while she worked, I was content in just watching her and doing random crap on one of the computers. At one point we went hang with the some other people who do art or the like. It was a little awkward because apart from two of them (and Phoenix, of course), I had never talked to them much or ever before. Even so they were nice and one of the girls shared her party rings with me so yeah, it’s hard not to enjoy yourself when you get free food and watch funny and disturbing horror film trailers.

Anyway, whilst I was there, Grace walked in a couple of times. I never said a word to her. In fact, at one point, I was in that art computer room by myself and she was the only one in the room and that still never urged me to talk to her. She didn’t say anything to me in particular. At least nothing I remember.

Since that Monday I got sort of accustomed to that room. I mean I can chill in there and do whatever and no one asks questions or tells me to get lost so I just go there sometimes. Hence why I was there when I made my Left-handed Girl post. Actually I think that was on Monday…

So, one day, Tori and I were chilling in the art computer room and we literally just sat there and played games. I was playing Pepper Panic on Royal Games so I hardly paid attention to anyone- even when Tori was talking to me (I know, I’m so rude…) When I was in the middle of a game I thought would go well, Grace came from out of nowhere and asked me how I was. I said fine and nothing else. I didn’t ask her how she was because I reckoned she didn’t really mean it in that much of a friendly way. I mean, she’s said hi to me before when we were in close proximity for some reason so I didn’t take much notice of it. Also… I was playing Pepper Panic! (Sue me!)

When she continued talking, I realised that this wasn’t one of those random ‘how do you do’s. She started speaking to me normally as we did in high school. She was talking to me about her predicted grades and how she doesn’t know how she did better in drama than art and stuff like that. I was listening but I must’ve looked so rude because I looked totally disinterested when really I was just too focused on winning lots of jewels that day. When I WASN’T playing though, I realised that I was talking almost like normal only that my voice was a little flat because this is a girl I haven’t talked to for over a year acting like we’re amigas.

But you know, even though I had a face that said “Hmm, so it took you a year to finally come and properly talk to me, huh?”, I was secretly happy inside. A little big-headed, but mostly glad that we were talking. Because in truth I really missed her. I missed hanging out with her and laughing we her and having stupid pointless debates. I mean I gotten over that chapter of my life and I won’t die if we don’t become partners in crime once again, but it would be nice if we did, you know. I won’t wish for it, but if it’s meant to happy, I want it to happen. If she genuinely wanted to be friends again, for us to be that comedy duo again (Her being the funny (wo)man and me being the (not so) straight (cis-)man), then yeah! Let it be! At least this time, if Grace goes away again, I won’t be so weak about it. But, if it does happen, it probably means that Grace realises just how special our relationship was.

But this is all hypothetical. I’m quite content playing Pepper Panic for the time being. :3

BADASS

(A more accurate representation of the difference in our height)

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Social Anxiety: The Battle Continues

This is really cute :3

As you may or may not know, I am currently suffering from social anxiety or something similar to that I don’t know it’s not like I was diagnosed or anything…

Aaaaanyway, Since I started this blog, I think I have definitely made some progress though I’m still a long way off.

I hate the fact that I’m quiet and can’t think of anything to say. Literally the only things that come out of my mouth are puns… I ccan be so boring sometimes…

I’m still attempting to make good friendships in college. I was hoping to get close to the guy who sat next to me in chemistry but then the seating plan changed 😦 but the girl I’m sitting next to is really friendly and I get along with her, but the only thing is that she doesn’t watch anime… Oh well…

It’s getting harder and harder to speak in lessons. Every is getting so familiar to everyone else and yet I hardly know anyone’s name. My physics class is so chummy even though they met only just in September. Somehow I feel like an outcast, sitting there quietly while everyone else screeches like monkeys… Well you get what I mean…

I’m always jealous at how my other friends talk to people in their classes outside of class, while I only talk to one person. Well, one person is better than none so I shouldn’t complain.

I have no idea how to crank up the socialising… setting (?) but I think now I should just focus on my studies cause I’ve been ill for three days and all hell is going to break loose pretty soon when I find out what I must catch up on…

Arrggh! Education!

But ti’s not all bad- the social anxiety I mean. I’m not sure if I mentioned this earlier (actually I probably didn’t) but I now help out in the local primary school (local as in, to my college, not my home) and the Peanut of before would have screamed and hid in the corner. And let me tell you, when I found out I was to help out in a class by myself (not with anyone from my college) I did feel like screaming and hiding. Every pair of eyes were on me as I stepped inside and I felt so self-conscious. I mean, as well as not being good with kids, I hadn’t the first idea how I was supposed to help out.

But eventually I was like ‘Damn girl, breathe!’ and I calmed down and I helped out the kids and even talked to them. Now I’m already familiar with a few, I’m less nervous and… I found out that working with kids is kind of fun, which was a nice surprise because I signed myself up for this by accident (don’t even ask…)  I don’t know why I got so shy in the first place. Of course, I’m still shy now, just a lot lot lot less. Even when I broke into a coughing fit (asthma) I didn’t feel hot with embarrassment.

There are still odd moments like when I got lost and ended up making a fool of myself in front of the teacher next door yet again. My friend was helping out in that class and told me that the teacher asked if I was okay or something. I will never enter that class again. Ever.

Now it’s time for a new challenge. I didn’t actually think of this- my friend Tori did. We decided to set up a Chemistry society and I still don’t know what she plans to do in it, but it’s along the lines of a revision thing plus some chemistry outside our syllabus (yay!). The two of us have to present it on our own, without any teachers, in front of a whole bunch of students. This’ll be nerve-wrecking but as long as Tori’s there and as long as I don’t pee myself, I’ll be fine. I’ve got this. Yep…

And so the battle continues…

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Now She’s Just Somebody That I Used To Know

For goodness sake, would you PLEASE stop staring at me!

Something weird is going on. You remember Grace, right? The ex-best friend that I used to call Backstabber? The one who announced that she didn’t want to be friends with me?

Yes, that Grace.

After ignoring me for so long, I gave up trying to be at least her acquaintance if not her friend. Now-a-days I don’t really want anything to do with her. I’ve been doing well. There’s no longer that lingering sorrow that follows me around, reminding me that we weren’t friends. I pretty much ignore her now. I’m not saying that if she tried to talk to me I’d pretend she didn’t exist, or run away from her. I’m just saying that I’m keeping my distance. I don’t talk to her that much. I treat her like I’d treat any other person I didn’t know that well, because, at the moment, I don’t know her very well. I don’t know her at all.

I thought she would love that, me ignoring her and not talking to her, after all, she did the same to me for a couple of months now. She’s got her perfect friends that all talk about boys and look up to her with shimmering eyes- or at least that’s what she thinks they do..

But I can’t help but notice the times when she’s on her own. It’s not like I constantly think, ‘Oh my gosh, she’s alone. She’s probably sad. I should go and help her.’ I’m keeping my distance, like she wanted. But still! I feel I hang out more with Mandy than she does. All the time I see her on her own except for one or two lessons. She always tries to but into conversations so that she doesn’t look like that but I think it’s obvious and I’m beginning to think others do to. They don’t mention it to her, though.

So yes, back to the weird thing (or rather, things), one lunchtime I was by myself. I wanted to get on with some revision (you know, with all the fear of exams and stuff) and when I came to my form room, she was sitting in the seat opposite mine. You may think, ‘well, she can sit anywhere, right?’, but the thing is that she used to sit on that table, but when she started avoiding me, she sat right on the other side of the room. Why would she suddenly decide to sit there, after she left the seat empty for months.

You can imagine how I felt when I reached my seat. One thought crossed my mind:

‘Should I go to the library or…’ In the end I sat in my seat. I wouldn’t move just because Grace sat there. It was my table, it is my table, so I had the right to sit there. As I expected, she didn’t talk to me, but when others came to sit at the table, she kept doing that annoying thing where she’d butt into their conversations little by little. We both happened to be revising R.E. and when my friend was asking me about my revision techniques, it was only natural that Grace butt in boasting about how she just looks at her book and remembers it and about how she didn’t revise for her mocks and got an A* in R.E. I’d like to see her do the same for the real ones and see what she’d get. Seriously. Not even out of hatred.

Grace continued joining in with their conversation until she finally took control of it. Then she offered us all a stereotypical speech about ‘black’ and ‘white’ behaviour and about some black girls acting ‘white’ and some white girls acting ‘black’. Even when people told her that it was stereotypical and even a bit racist, she still went on. I ignored her and her. I’ve had to deal with her stupid speeches in the past and no matter how many times I’ve told her that they were stereotypical, racist or hypocritical or just plain stupid, she didn’t change. I’m pretty much immune to her speeches, but not immune to her voice and I always find her annoying voice hard to block out and with her and the rest of the table speaking and the fact that she used the word racial instead of racist and that just… Yes, I know, what a weird thing to fixate about. As I was sitting there thinking to myself: ‘I missed the days when I could just sit here in peace.’ I did an R.E. test that afternoon. I wonder how well I did. Or badly.

After that, I became conscious of Grace’s actions. If I came by the lockers and she was there, I’d feel her eyes burning into my side. I can see her through the corner of my eyes, though I don’t let her know that. It’s really creepy and I don’t really know what to do in those situations. I sometimes get the urge to laugh or something so I usually get on with whatever in my locker and just go back to my seat. At least, she hasn’t sat in front of me since then. Maybe I’m being paranoid, but I’m think there’s something going on. One English lesson, she asked me a question. I shook my head, my way of saying no without using up my energy. But then she kept pestering me and pestering me asking my why I wasn’t talking to her. I got annoyed and shouted no and that I had no idea. But then. awkwardly enough, I found out the answer two seconds later. 

Am I being paranoid? I feel like I’m being paranoid, but the staring is kind of creepy. Go back a couple of months and she wouldn’t have even sad on the same table as me. Or say a word to me. Or look at me. At all. In my opinion, there are four possibilities as to why Grace is acting like this:

  1. She still wants to be friends with me, but she’s too proud to admit it so she’s trying to send me indirect messages.
  2. She doesn’t like being alone and not having someone at her heels (Not that I was at her heels in the first place) but she’s too proud to admit it.
  3. She’s angry that I’m not bothering about her and that I’m happy not being her friend, but she wants to feel special (…?)
  4. She’s crazy

As much as I’d like to think up different reasons and write some bizarre story based on this, I can’t be bothered.

Yeah… Sorry Grace, but no…

~EpicCupcake signing out.

It feels like forever since…

…I last made a post.

…I was Grace’s friend.

…I could actually open my mouth and talk when I felt like talking.

Thoughts

I’m sorry that I haven’t actually posted anything, or even been on WordPress at all, since some days ago. Maybe you might not realise it, but I do and I feel a bit guilty since I said that I’d post regularly… But I swear, this time I wasn’t procrastinating! I was actually doing homework, revising and being plagued by problems constantly.

It feels like my bad luck is striking me again. That day I made that post (‘A Thought:…’ Was it?) I was experiencing my bad luck’s evil works. The darn buses were failing me. When I was coming out of school that day, I just missed this bus and when I checked the bus times, it said the next one was in 10 or 20 minutes and there was no way on earth I was waiting that long in the cold. So I waited for another bus at another bus stop that was coming fairly soon… but it was full and the bus driver closed the door on this old lady when she was trying to go in. How sad… Buses are just cruel.

In addition to that, I’ve lost a number of things:

  • Four pens
  • One pen lid
  • My 30cm ruler that folds in half (I loved that ruler)
  • My oyster card (Just when I about to get on the bus)
  • My prefect badge (Spent a whole lunch time looking for it on the street and was almost late back to school)
  • My P.E. kit and other stuff.

Now, I found most of these things though they caused me trouble to find. My prefect badge was the worst because I realised it was missing after I had my P.E. lesson at the leisure center so I panicked. It could’ve been anywhere! My friend Cinnamon helped me look for it though which was nice of her (Grace wouldn’t have done that for me *puffs out cheeks*) What made it worse was that as we were walking back, we realised we were walking a different way from before so the badge could’ve been on the other side of the road but we could cross to check because we only had 5 minutes to get back to school and at that point we already needed 10! We got back on time, though (a cover teacher took the register)

I found it in the end… in my SCHOOL BAG.

But enough about losing things. I’m more worried about other things. Like friends for example. I know that I should be 100000000 times grateful for my friends, but I can’t help but feel lonely, like I don’t fit in. I want to become part of their ‘official’ friendship group, but I don’t know them that well, and they don’t know me. It’ll be kind of hard. I sometimes feel jealous of Grace, how she has that perfect friendship group that I used to have… with her and my friend who refuses to step into school at all. I’m a lone wolf now and although I don’t like it, I’ll have to live with it. I’ve got my life so I have to live it and leave pain behind because it’ll only hinder me…

…that’s why I spoke to Grace for the first time in a month on Thursday. I just said hi with this goofy smile on my face and she responded with that same goofy smile, as if nothing had happened, as if we were still friends. Of course it got awkward when we had nothing to speak about, so I said ‘see ya in English!’ and went to buy some juice for the lunch that I didn’t eat because I was looking for that bloody badge.

That moment kind of gave me hope. Hope that one day, we’d become friends again- best friends- and that our friendship would always last. But I read too much fiction. This is reality, and it’s a lot harder to predict what will happen in the future based on one moment. I knew that Grace had moved on, and I have too. We can’t get stuck in the past because I know how it’ll end up (and this actually contradicts what I said earlier but I know that nothing good can come out of that).

I decided that I didn’t want to be Grace’s best friend, but that I’d settle for just a friend or acquaintance because it’s better that way. I don’t want us to be enemies anymore. I don’t want it to be awkward between us anymore and I know that to move on, we can’t avoid each other so we have to get along in a way that doesn’t hold us back.

At first I was a little skeptical that my little plan/idea would work, because she never really came out and talked to me after that (I only talked to her once after that), but (and I know this sounds stupid) yesterday she asked me for my rubber casually. She actually turned around and addressed me and I was glad that finally the air has become less suffocating around us. Maybe we’ll start talking again. Maybe we won’t. But at least we’re slowly moving on.

One funny thing I just realised was that was how our friendship started in the first place. Not that she asked me for a rubber, rather I asked her for some scissors… and kept asking over and over because I was too lazy to buy my own. Funny way to start a friendship.

Apart from my problems with bad luck, feeling lonely and Grace (I miss calling her Backstabber, the name kind of grew on me. But I promised I’d stop after a month so…), I’m still dealing with my unstable emotions and my social anxiety.

I think my music teacher is starting to notice my strange behaviour: how I sometimes stare right at a teacher (her included), and sometimes I can’t hold someone’s gaze for very long and end up looking down after 2 seconds, and how I always seem to not to be able to see people when I’m walking out of school. Maybe I’m being a little paranoid (I am) but I think recently she’s been paying more attention to me, saying hi to me when I see her in the canteen or when I’m walking out of school looking at the opposite direction to were she was walking, pretending I never saw her in the first place. I think she knows that I’m shy. No, perhaps more than shy because I know a lot of shy people who seem outgoing compared to me.

I wonder why I do that. I wonder why I can’t hold people’s gazes and look away embarrassed and then feel like punching myself for looking away so obviously. I wonder why I always see people but pretend that I never saw them in the first place. I’m very observant, you know. Well, most of the time. And why do I hold people’s gaze for so long with a straight face? I do this to my french teacher almost all the time. Why on earth do I do that?!

But I guess my shyness isn’t so bad. I’m pushing myself to talk to people who sit next to me and I think it’s working because I feel more comfortable than I did before. This doesn’t mean that I have the confidence to actually hold a conversation (or their gaze for that matter) but I’m getting there!

I’m really worried about my speaking exams though. I was lucky during my spanish one, because even though my mind went blank, I had practised it so much that it just flew out of my mouth. I got an A* for that and I’m proud of myself. During my french, on the other hand, I was extremely nervous because I had to learn it during exam week in year 10, my french teach was pissed because I missed the time I was supposed to do the speaking (I just didn’t go), and being alone with my french teacher was nerve-wrecking in itself…  I managed to speak it with as much fluency as I could muster, but I spoiled it when I shouted ‘NO!’ when I mixed up a certain word. I realised it was a stupid thing to do because the word I said fit the sentence perfectly. I got an A. I almost cried because I was expecting my grade to drop seriously with the stupid ‘NO!’.

This year I’m more worried because I felt that my other speaking were just a stroke of luck and… I’m not having any luck at all (except bad luck). But for me it’s not so much the remembering part that I need to worry about. It’s my nerves. Before my spanish last year, I spent the time most people used to practise to calm myself down and breathe. It didn’t work; my heart raced and my mind went blank as my teacher said ‘GCSE’.

Just as I was lucky with my speaking, I was lucky with my music solo. But my music ensemble went terribly and I fear that the same will happen for my speaking exams this December. I already feel overloaded with revision and my piano exam and with my science prefect board that I feel like exploding. That might be why my mood has been acting up. One day I’m fine, the next day I’m fed up and then I’m just upset and then I’m happy. I’m not enjoying being a teenager.

The science prefect board, by the way, is a board for the science prefects to write about any subject in science or stick up posters and whatnot. The science teachers have told us to write stuff about the environment and I was not happy about that. I wanted to go into quantum physics! I wanted to do this cool poster called ‘How to Make an Atom!’ and write it like a recipe. Okay, it was a lot cooler in my head.

We decided to divide the board into chemistry, biology and physics and I was put in charge of chem. I wanted to do physics and write about radiation and go into detail and explain alpha, beta and gamma radiation and talk about the bosons that actually caused this but no… I was stuck with chemistry. But I like chemistry, I really do, but all I could think of that was about the environment was greenhouse gases and acid rain, and I really didn’t want to write about them.

But then I was struck with an idea. I could go into significant detail about global warming and explain how the structure of greenhouse gases caused the greenhouse effect. Bad idea… I found out that it was a bit complicated and I had to read a few other sources to gather the basic understandings. And then I thought, if it took me a while to understand it, how would a ks3 student or even a ks4 student or even the triple science class understand it? I already had the basic understandings of things like electronegativity and chemical polarity and I still don’t understand some of it!

But them I thought, some people don’t question things like I do, so if I explained it as simply as I could whilst still going into detail, no one would really care.

Who even looks at that board anyway? (Actually, it might be a lot of people because there like four clases that wait in the corridor with that board)

Honestly, it would’ve been easier if I did the atom thing. It’s easy to explain and easier to understand.

Enough about science though.

I started reading this book called ‘Hush Hush’ and it’s actually really good. I thought it wouldn’t be, because my sister has read it. I never trust anything my sister reads because I feel that our interests are different. To my surprise, they’re quite similar. I wasn’t quite sure that I’d like it, but I was desperate to read something because I had just finished ‘Slither’s Tale’ and I wondered how long it would be till I read the next book ‘Alice’. I can’t wait! But I was foolish to start a book series. I was planning to read something as I reserved and waited for the book ‘The Fault in Our Stars’. Which Cinnamon recommended. She also said that Hush Hush was really good so now I have faith in the book. I totally trust Cinn’s choice. She’s actually reading Les Misérables at the moment which like 1200 pages long (it’s massive) and she let me read a small passage that talked about consciousness and it was just so poetic and I loved it. I wanted to read the book, but it’s way too long. I don”t think I could carry that around with me. But today I watched the movie, which was actually a musical. It was a great story and I loved it despite the fact that my sister was talking and complaining all through it. I hate watching things with her…

I haven’t read a lot of it, so despite what any says, my favourite part of Hush Hush has to be the beginning, when Chauncey was like ‘I AM THE DUC DU LANGEAIS!!! But I do like the part with Patch and Nora.

Speaking about stories, I recently started this challenge called NANOWRIMO which I think stands for ‘National Novel Writing Month’. I was lucky to catch it earlier  on this month because you had to write a novel (50,000 words) in 30 days and submit it at least one minute before the 1st of December. I started it but never finished; I have my GSCE exams in December and I can’t afford to write. It hurts though, I love writing stories and I was determined to write this novel, but I don’t have the time so I’m going to have to leave it. Maybe next time. Hopefully they’ll be something that’s happening this summer. I’ll be starting afresh in August next year so I don’t have to worry about studying or revising. I can just focus on reading, writing, making songs, watching/reading anime/manga, sleeping, watching movies and possibly learning Japanese. I only know the basics and I really want to learn how to speak it at least, but I need to continue learning my verbs.

This post is really long so I’ll stop here. I also need to revise again because I didn’t do any yesterday because I was occupied with my ideas for the chem section. I’m soooooo tired. I could fall asleep right now…

Oh, one last thing! Cloud’s birthday is coming up and I don’t know what to get her! I considered asking her but I didn’t for two reasons:

  1. I think gifts should be more of a surprise
  2. She’d tell me ‘Anything is fine!’

So if you know what I could give to a sixteen year old girl, PLEASE tell me. I know it’s weird, but I don’t know what most girls like. I just want notebooks… seriously (I got three last Christmas 🙂 )

But, wow, Cloud is going to be 16. I swear in America you can drive at sixteen. I can’t imagine Cloud driving; that’d be too weird…

Okay, now I’m done.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Open Day!

Today I went to a college open day, the one linked to my school, and looked around. I was feeling a little nervous at first because I was originally planning to go with Backstabber (yes, I’m still calling her that) but then she… kind of… abandoned me…

So I was thinking of going with one of my other friends. I was reluctant to ask, I’m shy like that, so I opened with:

‘Are you going to the [insert college name here] college open day?’

She told me that she was and I lied and said that I wasn’t sure if my mum could take me (she indeed could) and then she told me that she was going with her parents. So then I thought,

‘Why do I feel I have to go with a friend? Why do I have to be so dependent? It was my dependence that made Backstabber’s backstabbing sting so much after all so why can’t I go on my own? (with my of course)’

So I did. And I came really late because… well that’s just how my family are…

It just so happened that my mum’s friend was going to the open day too. She has a daughter- let’s call her Sandy. Sandy’s my age and it was her who wanted to visit the college so we were all going to meet up. Normally I’d dread something like that. I’d met Sandy before but I never really spoke to her- I was too shy to utter a word. But since my friendship ended with Backstabber, I feel like I’ve been forced into coming out of my shell (whoa, deja vu…) so I’ve been quite daring though I’m sure most normal people would disagree.

When we met Sandy and her mum. I said hi like normal, attempting to make eye contact (and failing) but then I did something I would’ve never expected to ever do-

I started a conversation.

And just like that we were talking, about college, possible subjects and whatnot. I didn’t feel shy at all nor scared and I really enjoyed myself! Normally I’d just avoid talking to others because I had Backstabber, but now I felt oddly confident.

I was still shy around the second years who were stationed at the different departments (though it wasn’t just second years; I recognised some recent ex-students from my school) but I managed to talk and try and maintain eye contact.

I was even lucky to see some of my friends from school (It wasn’t really luck, I knew most students from my school were coming) and I said hi and even talked to Ann for a bit in the canteen and met her parents though I already knew her mum (she’s a teacher).

It was really funny seeing everyone’s face when I told them I was taking all sciences and maths. Their jaws literally dropped. Perhaps there’s a lot more in store for me in college than I thought… Oh well, it’s not going to change my mind. Maybe…

I even saw Backstabber today- you know, the Backstabber who seems to have a million friends and sits on a lunch table that’s fit to burst and, as well as that, she has two close friends who have replaced me. That Backstabber happened to be alone, not even with her mum or dad, and this I found strange. I expected her to be at least be with Mandy if not surrounded by her many friends. Not even a boy was accompanying her. Nope, she was by herself.

I kind of smiled when I saw her, not because I enjoyed seeing her by herself and understanding a little bit about being alone especially in a place that’s unfamiliar. In fact, that thought never came across my mind (*evil grin*) no, seriously. I smiled because at that point, it was clear. Without me, she was practically alone. I don’t really know if she can call anyone her ‘friend’. Perhaps Mandy and her other close friend, but then again she hasn’t known Mandy for a long time- not as long as she’s known me at least. She seemed kind of lost. She looks like that in school sometimes, when Mandy isn’t with her.

She always tried her best around others, I noticed. Doing crazy things to get attention and then telling people all these things and denying it later. She created this bad image of herself to get attention and it worked, but people aren’t always as they seem. They may be treating you like a goddess because you’ve kissed an adult or lost your virginity, but behind your back they call you a slut.

She knew that with me, she could be herself. I’m not sure if it was because she trusted me or because she knew how dependent and weak I am. You know, one thing people always called us was the ‘old married couple’ though not because we were so close, because we argued about pointless things (and later laughed at them) and just as I depended on her, she depended on me. But, now that I think about it, we were kind of, dare I say it, ‘lost’ when we weren’t together. We could never be ourselves. (Geez Louise, this sounds like some kind of romantic comedy…)

Now that we’re not friends anymore, she seems even more lost. This may just be because of my odd perspective, but now she seems different. Fake. Faker than she’s ever been and maybe I’m not the only one to notice. I, on the other hand, am not throwing myself at people. I’m holding back and, at the same time, trying my hardest, but not for acceptance, for true friends, rather.

Sure it means that sometimes I have to slap on a smile even if I don’t feel like it, but I’m trying to be as natural as I can. I won’t throw myself, but I won’t withdraw either. I’ll just… walk.

I’m talking (writing) weird again. Sorry if none of this made sense. It doesn’t make sense to me as I writing this, but it makes sense in my head.

This post was supposed to be about college for goodness sake!

Can you believe that Backstabber started telling my sister crap about why she stopped being my friend? Crap like ‘I’m tired of listening about atoms’. Well, Backstabber, why don’t you listen for once, so that you don’t get an E when she’s in bloody triple science?! She’s so bloody selfish, rude and arrogant and not to mention a liar, I swear. I guess everyone is a little fake, but she’s something else. I wonder where that’ll get her.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Reboot!

After venting out my feelings, listening to other people’s advice, especially the wise words of my friend Ann and insufficientinsanity14, listening to Mozart’s 40 symphony about 10 ten times to finish my music homework, I think I’m ready to forget about it. Forget about everything. I’m not even going to mention her name. It’ll be hard, seeing her in the morning and feeling awkward and seeing Mandy in my form room (she’s in there everyday…) will be even worse because she was looking at me at lunch today and I remembered what she said about how I look depressed when I eat (???). I don’t even know how you can be depressed when you eat… unless you hate food… I’m probably most happy when I’m eating; I can be alone in my thoughts and plus… I’m eating… enough said.

It’ll also be hard to forget the four years I’ve been best friends with [insert backstabbers name here] and I won’t, you know, because I’ve had so many good memories with her and other friends (though a lso a lot of bad ones) and I’m glad for those. I’ll always love and miss those days, when sadness and stress wasn’t a major part of my life.

I’ve always had these moments, ever since [said person] got involved with boys, when I’ve thought, ‘I have to stop being her friend!’ but I’ve always ignored them. You know whenever we got in a fight, she’d always hang out with my other friends, leaving me with no one. In a way, for her, that was winning, and boy did she love to win. I’d normally ‘lose’ in the end and come running back to her and I hated that but then I though ‘for the sake of our friendship. Recently, winning for her was hanging out with Mandy and ignoring my existence. Winning for me was winning her back. I tried my best, dismissing other thoughts and eventually I was reduced to begging and she didn’t even want to give in. She wasn’t just reluctant to apologise, she was reluctant to forgive me out loud (and for what anyway? I didn’t do anything wrong!)

One thing I didn’t realise was that there was another way to win- even better way- a way that would be slow and possibly painful, but would ensure that I’d win in the end.

I could just let it go.

Let it all go.

Let it float away.

Never think about it again.

And start again.

I came to this decision after rethinking  about sonnet 116 by Shakespeare.

SONNET 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 

Now I know this poem is about true love and never have I ever had romantic feelings about [insert name], I’ve thought about it, but then felt like throwing up (just kidding, she’s not that bad). Still, I think best friendship is similar. Best friendship doesn’t just change when circumstances change. You don’t stop being someone’s best friend and start being someone else’s just because they seem more appealing. Time doesn’t change best friendship either because I’m still best friends with the primary school gang and they’ve been there for me through thick and thin. I just wish we all went to the same school…

When I first analysed this poem in english today (I was sitting next to that person as well), the teacher asked for a summary of the poem and I told her what I thought but I wasn’t just telling my teacher, nor was I just explaining to the class. I was talking to her and hoped that she’d get the message. She probably didn’t; she doesn’t like to think in depth.

So what happens now? I don’t have a best friend I can depend on in school, she won’t talk to me anymore (I was observing her today and the only thing she said to me was good morning when I greeted her and ‘vampires.’ when I tried to join in with the conversation she and Mandy were having. Even Mandy spoke more to me at that moment!). If I can’t even get more than three words from her, I guess that it’s best we don’t talk at all. I’d be happy. She’d be happy. We would both win. I’ll have to force myself to get over my fear of talking to others, Ann told me that there are plenty of girls in my year that’ll be happy to talk to me (she also said that I was interesting to talk to). I’m quite proud of myself. Even though I cried at school because of said person, because I wasn’t with her, I made conversation with lots of different people and that means I’m winning.

But don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing this to ‘win’; i’m doing this to be happy and happiness is something I really value. If I’m happy, I don’t upset and people around me don’t feel upset. For her on the other hand, perhaps it’s all about winning. Perhaps it’s not. I don’t know what’s going through her mind because lately she’s not as easy to read.

No matter how many times I tell myself that I want her and Mandy to be hurt (emotionally, not physically), I know it’s not what I really want. In the end, if everyone’s happy, isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? I just wish that they’d understand how they’ve hurt my feelings, even if they don’t apologise. If said person ever feels that she’s made a mistake and that she wants to be my friend again (because she knows that she can depend on me) I will be there and I will accept her with open arms even if she doesn’t apologise but I will never be her best friend again. Never.

So in short, I’m going to:

  1. Forget about [what’s her name? 😛 ]
  2. Get on with my life
  3. Invest more in my other friendships
  4. Continue blogging
  5. Focus on my exams
  6. Be happy!

And that’s all there is! Motivational picture?

Yep! Now I’m totally motivated! 🙂

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Apparently, best friends are replaceable

Another sad thing to write about! Yaaaaaaay!

Honestly, when I think back to when I was all in a depressed mode, I don’t know how on earth I could’ve been in a worse situation than I am now.

Before I  start the whole story/account/nightmare, let me just fill you in on something Grace said to me earlier. She was randomly telling me about how she has high standards when it comes to boys. The first boy she ever kissed was… kind of on the short side, he was kind of… well, Grace told me she heard that he was a ‘slag’ (she used  that words exactly) and I don’t think he was very good looking either but she still exaggerated about how how fit he was and how her first kiss was so romantic… She later revealed that she regretted wasting her first kiss and was so upset. She went out with two other guys after that exaggerating about how good-looking and fit they were and like a good friend- a good best friend- I agreed with her. They were okay people, not ugly though not as dashing as she described. They were decent people. Of course when she broke up with them, she always said that they weren’t good-looking and that she deserved better. Of course after her last boyfriend, she began getting noticed by other guys and she kept boasting about how she kissed a 24 year old (gross) and that was when she boasted about being able to get any boy she wants. She even refuses to go out with this nice guy who she likes just because he’s shorter than her (and not even by a lot because he’s a still a lot taller than me). And now with this cleared up, I can continue.

Recently I’ve noticed that Grace has been in a bad mood. She’s been having weird mood swings. For example, I ask her for a favour and no matter how small it may be, she always refuses. Whenever I tell her that she never does anything for me, she yells at me and calls me spoilt and then ignores me. Later, she acts like it never happens and when she sees me upset she yells at me asking why I’m so moody all the time. I tell her that she doesn’t do anything for me and that she always has a go at me and then she’s angry, she ignores me and we’re back to square one and I didn’t want this to go on so I’d just slap a smile onto my face and pretend everything’s rainbows and peaches. But then…

Yesterday, I there was nothing in the house for lunch. I usually buy my lunch at school but that day I had P.E. in the nearby leisure center before lunch and we were allowed to eat out. Since Grace and I are in the same P.E. class, I asked her if we could stop by McDonald’s (I’ve always wanted to try the 99p burger) but of course she said no because she wanted to go home to pick up her P.E. kit. Firstly, she should keep her kit at school like everyone else and secondly, she would’ve gotten her P.E. kit before P.E. not after (???). Still she said no.

I got angry at this point and told her that she was being selfish. Then she started her ‘your-spoilt,-it’s-not-all-about-you’ thing again and the I countered ‘it’s not all about you either’ and then she said that it was all about her. Every second she was just making me angrier and angrier. We ended up arguing as we left our that lesson to go to the leisure center and in the middle of it, she stopped talking to me and starting talking to other girls lying to them about what happened and making a joke out of me. I just got furious and left. i ended up walking by myself to P.E., crying (and Grace knew this and kept on laughing with whoever she was talking to as if I didn’t exist), until I bumped into my friend, let’s call her Ann, and she asks me what’s wrong so I tell her everything. She, being the nice lovely person she is, understands my feelings and gives me a lot of great advice; she tells me to take my friendship with Grace with a ‘pinch of salt’, as she says, and remember what kind of person she is. She also tells me that I should try hanging out with other people and that I’m welcome to hang out with her. I thanked her for the advice and seriously thought over what she said.

Then, in P.E. I saw Grace. Shen didn’t apologise. She didn’t say that we should forget about what happened. She just picked suddenly decided that I was her partner (because  she didn’t have anyone else who would be her partner) for badminton and we started playing. She started to talk about how she had gotten in trouble when the teacher caught her in her P.E. kit when she entered the leisure center (It turned out that we weren’t allowed to change at home of anywhere and got straight to the center). Obviously I was still upset, though I wasn’t crying anymore. She left after P.E. without a word so I went back on my own to change. Ann and two other girls from my form let me walk back with them and even after insisting that I’d be okay with no lunch and refusing Ann’s offer of part of her own lunch, they stopped by a shop so I could by a sandwich and apple juice which, i had to admit, was better than the cheese toasty I made for my lunch on Thursdays because Grace refuses to go back to school so I can eat even though she promised (yes, she’s a promise breaker). At registration I told her about the nice things Ann did for me and she told me that it said that it didn’t kill me to hang out with someone else. It was then that I realised that something was off.

Of course, we got into another argument. She was my best friend so I argued that of all people, she should be there for me but apparently, her house means more to her than me. You know, I’m always there for her. A few days ago, I went to my french teacher for him to check my french, but then she totally butted in and made things about her again so instead I was wasting my time after school for Grace to get her french re-checked when mine hadn’t even been checked in the first place and then she started up some hour long conversation about random rubbish and I ended up leaving school late. After promising to walk me to this other bus stop because she made me late, she decided to choose laziness over me and told me that she wouldn’t and of course, she got what she wanted.

Back to the story. We went to our next lesson arguing, then she left without me again. Didn’t speak a word to me. After school we somehow end up arguing again. This other girl in my form asks Grace what I’m going on about (of course) and Grace makes up lies again. I explain the truth. The girl says that we’re always arguing then I, being the stupid clingy dependent person I am, apologise and tell her to forget that this ever happened. Grace ignores me saying that she’d end the fight tomorrow. I keep asking her and asking her but she always has to have it her way and leaves with the satisfaction that she never gave in leaving me extremely upset even though I tried not to show it so that Grace wouldn’t have anything to moan about.

The next day, today, I decide that it’s okay to be with different people so I just tried to be with Grace whenever I could catch her because she seemed to be ignoring my existence unless I make an effort to run after her before she can leave me behind. Unluckily, but perhaps luckily, for me, I completely bombed my GCSE ensemble piece all 5 times that I recorded it and came out crying. I decided to wait for Grace who took ages to get out of her class and we walked to lunch. I explained to her how I messed up my music and I couldn’t help but shed some more tears. My whole body was shaking after I’d left the music room and I was scared that the piece would bring my grade down at least a whole grade and music is already hard enough.

Of course, Grace didn’t bother to comfort me. No, she did quite the opposite: she walked ahead of me, looking annoyed as usual and told me that it’s not the end of the world, that I was overreacting and other stuff in an attempt to make me feel guilty for crying over an exam I might’ve failed and she went to get a seat in the year 11 canteen like she normally did ever since she became too lazy to wait for me in the main canteen as I got my lunch. Fair enough, I thought. But when I’d gotten my lunch, I realised that she sat somewhere else with other people that she hardly talks to, eating her lunch. She didn’t even save a space for me and she didn’t say a word as I passed by trying to find somewhere to sit. Eventually I found a seat beside Ann, another of my friends and some girls from my form. Ann was happy to let me sit beside her. She listened to me as I explained what had happened and my other friend gave me a hug. Then they even waited for me to finish my lunch (I didn’t finish it- it was far too much) even though Ann was late for choir. I joined her too (I originally went to choir but Grace always convinces me not to go which is funny because all of a sudden I have to listen to her but she won’t listen to me… hmm…) I didn’ sit with Grace in registration and she left without even looking at me.

I went to the next lesson, Grace ignored me. I tried speaking to her once. I tried walking with her the next lesson. She sat with Mandy, the girl who hates me and told Grace not to be my friend, instead and it seemed like she had been hanging out with her for the whole day. When I saw them together, and thought about it, I realised that I had been so easily replaced by Mandy, the girl who’s rude about everyone. Grace was fed up with being my best friend. She thought I wasn’t worthy  of her or her friendship and so she cut it off like that. She believed that she deserved better, which Mandy probably hinted to her. So now I’ve been ‘dumped’ by my so-called ‘best friend’ for a new one that fits her needs. She’s tired of me, just like a child gets tired of an old toy. The only difference is that I’m human but it’s not like that makes a difference for Grace.

You know what the worst part is? During these last few days, I’ve been feeling bad for being moody or whatever when the last two weeks apart from the thing with my parents and when Grace was mean to me, so I don’t really know why she got angry in the first place?

I hate that I still want to be her friend even though she’s horrible and treats me like a child, shoving me off and telling me to go with someone else because she doesn’t feel like taking care of me. I can’t believe I even apologised a number of times when the last time she ever apologised to me was at the end of year 9 when she laughed (or more like smirked) when these girls sprayed half a bottle of deodorant as a ‘joke’ probably to see if I’d have an asthma attack (I’m asthmatic), said horrible things behind my back to my friends the same day to try and turn them against me and generally make me upset that horrible camping trip. I had to apologise first before she even thought about saying sorry. After that, anytime I get upset because of something she does, she ignores me, hangs out with other people laughing as much as she can to make me feel bad and come running back to her because I she knows that I have difficulty talking to other people and she enjoys watching me suffer and eventually run back to her practically begging for forgiveness.

I find it hard to believe that even after what I’ve been through having her as my only close friend in that school, I still feel guilty and I apologise to her anytime I show any sign of sadness. Shouldn’t I be free to express my emotions without the fear that I’ll be walking the school alone while my so-called best friend doesn’t give a care in the world about me. It feels like I’m trapped in this so-called friendship. Like it’s either I listen to her, don’t say a word, don’t have any voice or opinion and run after her all the time.

I’m sorry, I’ve seriously rambled.

I’m just not sure what to do now. I talked to my mum and she told me not to let her push me around like that and I think that she’s right. A lot of times a voice in my head has told me not to trust Grace and that I shouldn’t be here friend. Thinking that always made me feel guilty but now I’m wondering if it’s true. For now, I’ll do the same. I won’t wait for her. I won’t go out of my way to talk to her. I’ll wait to see if she’ll make an effort to even look at me and then I’ll know whether she’s a real friend.

But I can assure you that that will never happen.

Sorry for taking your valuable time by making you read this post, but since you did, I guess I feel a bit better. I’ll try and be less depressed next time.

~EpicCupcake signing out.