Not Gonna Lie, It’s Hard Work

Wasssuuuup?

Just kidding.

Hey there, it’s been a while. I’ve been kind of avoiding writing a post for a while now. So much so that I failed to write anything for the whole of October. This is me just letting you know I’m still alive and kicking. Well that and other stuff, which I will be moving on to now,

Moving swiftly on.

So if you want to know what I’ve been up to, I’ve just been spending the last month fretting over my UCAS and, more importantly, my personal statement. My college deadly was two days ago so that will probably tell you that I’ve already shipped it off (well to my form tutor first to attach my reference and then to UCAS and then to universities!

I am suuuuper nervous and my brain keeps telling me that my personal statement isn’t good enough. I’m really really really hoping for an unconditional offer. I’m hoping my predicted grades and my AS grades will persuade them. Fingers crossed!

But that’s all I’m saying about academic stuff. I can’t keep talking about it. I don’t like college that much.

No, I want to talk about (write, er… type, rather) friendship and a certain person I happen to be friends with.

I always used to wonder why it is that I can count the number of friends I have on my fingers, or why I’ve never gone to parties and such- like house parties. It’s probably due to the fact that I’m not that invested in people. I just don’t care that much about people so I never really make an effort. This is really clear to me now. I can see it in my day to day interactions. I love being by myself. Doing activities alone rather than in pairs and not just because I’m scared I won’t have anyone to work with. I don’t care about others to the extent that I don’t even know half of the people in my class and 3/4 of people’s names. In fact, I probably know the names of about 5 people in my maths class and these people are people I’ve had classes with as well as the guy who sits next to me. It’s so bad that for the first month back I had to double check my timetable to make sure I was entering the same class each time. I did that last year too. Now I just look for certain people.

So yeah, I don’t care about people. Not that if someone was hurt or something I wouldn’t care. It’s more like, I don’t care about socialising with people. So this made me a little confused when I came to be friends with… let’s call him Mochi.

So Mochi and I work in the same charity shop- that’s how we met. He’s actually the dude I mentioned in my last post. I only realised I wrote about him before about halfway into this post so forgive me if I repeat myself. So back to the story. We’d somehow only met each other months after both him and I started working there. We both work Saturdays and I start when he finishes (I basically take over the till from him) so that’s probably why, though nowadays I always meet him before he leaves so that’s weird.

Anyway, when I met Mochi, I instantly liked him. He’s just got this nice refreshing vibe that most people don’t have. I’m not entirely sure what it was in particular that gave me that impression. Despite this, I didn’t go ahead and jump in and try to be his friend. I’m a bit reserved and I don’t really know what the protocol is for ‘jumping in and trying to be someone’s friend’ so I stuck to exchanging greetings. It was only when he started talking to me about college and we found out we were going (or about to go as this was before the school year started) to the same college. He was going to be my first kouhai of some sort but you know, I kind of wanted it to be more than that.

So I tried a little harder than I would for most people. After I was sure I wasn’t mistaking him for someone else, I began talking to him whenever I saw him. This was quite hard for me because I’m used to pretending I didn’t see someone to avoid them for reasons probably linked to my poor social skills. I still have those moments when I avoid him. I think I did it yesterday actually… Still, I’m trying harder than I normally do so it’s a start at least.

When we used to bump into each other we’d start by saying hi and then I’d sort of panic because I wouldn’t know what to say next and I wouldn’t know whether to keep walking or stop and talk which led to awkward moments of silence where I stare at him and smile awkwardly waiting to see what he’d do next. It would be suuuper awkward and I’d spend the whole day thinking about it and feeling stupid as I normally do when I make interpersonal fails.

But one day I caught him in the library and mustered up the courage to sit next to him and talk/read. This was especially hard for me because I quite frankly I don’t know what level of intimacy needs to be achieved before you can invite yourself to hang out with someone. I took a chance anyway and when I did, all I was thinking suddenly felt stupid. I mean, we’re talking about sitting next to someone and talking. We’ve talked standing up many times and once sitting down ages ago. Sorry, I feel like I have to apologise for the way I’m viewing everything. You’ve probably never met another human who thinks like this.

Even though I called Mochi my friend in the last post, I wasn’t entirely sure if we had reached the status of ‘friends’ and I didn’t want to ask him because I felt that had needy and desperate connotations- both extremely unattractive vibes. I felt like he was my, as Cloud would say, fracquaintance. And while that was all nice and good, I wasn’t really interested in gaining another fracquaintance. I wanted a friend. So I decided to get to know him a little better.

Yesterday, I caught him walking out of college with a friend and I was going to pretend I hadn’t seen him because I was feeling awkward but after a while I ended up right behind him and I had already avoided him once that day, like I said earlier, so I went and said hi. We spoke briefly but he was already talking to his friend before I can so I figured it was only polite to let them talk. I pretended to check stuff on my phone while I walked beside him. When we parted ways with his friend, I had intended to walk but Mochi was going to take the bus. Normally, I’d pick going my way alone but I decided that I’d follow Mochi since we took the same bus. He brought up a random topic which we talked about until the bus came (well, that and UCAS because that’s kind of my life now) and I sort of felt closer to him because he shared stuff about himself. It was the kind of conversation I’d have with my own friends- my closest friends- before we all became boring on account of UCAS and A levels taking over our lives.

On the bus I attempted to steer the conversation away from UCAS and more towards ourselves. I learnt a bit about him. I already knew he was an avid reader and writes like me, but I didn’t know he was working on a novel in lieu of revising for NaNoWriMo which he has promised to let me read and I will hold that against him until he lets me read it. I didn’t know he was planning on studying History in uni (but that’s sort of to do with UCAS so…) I also learnt his last name and stupidly didn’t think to tell him my own. Oddly enough, our surnames only differ by two letters. (Two extra letters on my part most probably) We talked mostly about reading and writing but I think they’re a big part of his life and I’m glad because they’re a big part of my life too. Finally, a fellow writer! If only he watched anime…

After that little bonding moment on the bus, I did generally feel closer to him and perhaps he felt the same way because I saw him this morning and he so kindly walked me to my bio lesson shielding me from the unforgiving British rain with his life saving umbrella (okay, going into story writing mode…) I think that was a particularly intimate thing- not necessarily in a romantic sense but in a friendship sort of… sense. Sorry, I didn’t know how to word that.

This whole friendship making biz is hard work for someone like me, not gonna lie. My avoidant personality makes life kinda hard but I guess if you really want it, you’ll work for it and when you get it, it really pays off. I think I can safely say Mochi and I are friends. How close we are is another story and that will take more analysis because unfortunately I’m not good at sensing those kind of things. I’ve gotten things wrong before- thinking I’m closer to someone when in truth we’re not that close so it’s like a detective game of some sort. You have to look for the clues. Let’s hope I’ll find them!

This post is all over the place. I never really started with any sort of structure in mind so I apologise for that as well. I just had to write so I wrote (typed). Unfortunately I must finish here because it’s too late to talk about ‘that other thing’ that I was going to mention. It’s pretty important in my whole ‘story’ so I will definitely mention it at some point, BUT for now, I must end here.

Er… almost forgot how to end this.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

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Coming Out.

There’s something I need to tell you… I’M NOT A SQUIRREL, I’M A CHIPMUNK!!!

JK JK I kid you. I’m 100% a nut loving creature… historically of course… Hahahaha! Honestly… Where do I  come up with these jokes???

Almost like I drew this, right?

Yes. Coming out. As in proclaiming your gayness. Out loud. For the whole world to know. Gayness. Not fruitiness.

Normally when I’m retelling something or talking about myself, I put the post in the category ‘Dear Diary’ or at least I try to. Now… Notice how this isn’t in ‘Dear Diary’. Now slowly realise that no, this is not about my coming out story because I have not come out and nor do I plan to anytime soon.

But just think about it… The concept of coming out. Whenever someone comes out I always feel this profound admiration to be able to say it loud and proud. In actual fact I only happen to have on non-straight friend who actually happened to be my crush, Phoenix. Her coming out to me was quite a shock to me, even though I kind of knew she was bi. Or at least not straight. Well actually she’s pan but I don’t want to go into all the technicalities and whatnot soooo… One day, during exams, we were talking at lunch and I guess we somehow got into the context of sexuality and brainwashing children to be straight, I don’t know… Something about sexuality and as she was stating her view, she said mid-sentence ‘Well I’m bi so,’ and she just continued talking. When she told me I just nodded while simultaneously thinking,

 

‘YEEEEEESSSSS! I STAND A CHANCE!!! CELEBRATE GOOD TIME COME ON DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO. CELE…’

and

‘The way she just outright said it… She must be some amazing new creature that can bluntly be so open… Wow…’

 

Then afterwards, she asked me if I was okay with it. This time I was simultaneously thinking,

‘That’s more like it… No one can be that outright, especially when I know she’s a little secretive.’

and

‘No. Of course I’m not okay with it because bi is obviously another word for murderer…’ I felt like saying that second one because Phoenix is one of the few people that enjoy my sense of humour. But instead of that I said. ‘Of course!’ And sounded like the typical straight girl- ‘It’s okay that you’re semi-gay but now it’s a little awkward to be around you…’

I don’t know why you have to be seen differently because now you’re openly gay instead of closeted gay. I mean, if you think about it, that person has always been gay but you just didn’t know it. It’s not like they suddenly ‘turned’. Unless they did… Weird…

Now, back to my main point…

What exactly is my main point…?

Is there really a point in coming out at all? I’ve watched a few gay movies, most of which (I’m sorry to say) I didn’t like cause they were… just not there. Just… not all that great… But like I watched G.B.F which I thought was hilarious and I remember (what’s his name…?) the main character’s flamboyant best friend who wanted this grand dramatic coming out and whenever I hear stories about coming, I just think that nobody else really needs to know other than friends and family… Maybe not even them! I think coming out is a great way to let other gay/semi-gay people know you are available but I don’t have another good reason.

I don’t think I could ever come out cause it’s just so awkward and one of the worst reactions (other than bullying, abuse and people avoiding me etc.) is people being like ‘Okaaay?? Why are you telling me this???’ And then I’d be like, ‘I honestly don’t know…’

 

Even though I don’t see the point in coming out, I still did to a couple of my friends. Though I wasn’t like random of anything like…

Cinnamon: So hey, did you see ‘Brooklyn Nine Nine’ last night?’

Me: I LIKE GIRLS!

Cinnamon: Okaaay??? That’s nice, I guess…

 

It was more like:

Me: Hey, you know I kinda have a crush on Phoenix.

Cinnamon: Oh okay.

 

That was how I told them. So I’ve never actually ever used the word ‘I like girls.’ or ‘I’m bi.’ or anything like that.

I was gonna write about my coming out to two of my other friends but I pressed something and I lost everything I wrote.

 

Cue sad music.

 

Man, I hate that!

Maybe another time. At least that means technically I do not need to put this in dear diary.

 

This was sort of a random post but recently I’ve been addicted to Kingsley and Tyler Oakley and I’ve been watching a lot of gay YouTubers for one reason or another…

I want to be as flawless as Kingsley but I will never achieve such pure flawlessness. Cue sad music.

 

I’ll end here cause I’m still pretty pissed about typing a whole essay and just having it deleted just like that.

 

Cue Linkin Park

 

I’m hungry.

~EpicCupcake signing out.