My Rants: I’ve had enough of them.

This is a rare post. Today I’m going to talk about my so-called family. What joy.

After leaving school late because Grace decided to have a hour long chat with my french teach (don’t even ask) I got a call from my dad to meet him and my sister at this pizza hut near my house. I was happy- I was getting pizza and sure I enjoyed that pizza- but things soon turned around when I found out that the wifi had been connective. It wasn’t a big shock; I already knew my dad was changing it or whatever. He put the password etc and it was set up. Then I asked him if he’d set it on my phone and, with a straight face, he simply said,

‘no’

and then I asked him why and he said that my sister uses the internet on her phone when her laptop goes off (he set this stupid family safety parent control thing so it logs off at 10) so he won’t put wifi on either on our phones.

Now I was furious. had to suffer for something my sister did and this wasn’t the first time. Two good instances were:

  1. On my 13th or 14th birthday, my sister made a stupid promise that she’d take me out to wherever after she came back from her friends house. My mum had even bought a cake that we were going to cut as soon as she got home. So there I was, waiting… waiting… Soon it was 6 o’clock, then 7 o’clock. 8, 9, 10, 11… Eventually she arrive near midnight so it was obvious that I wasn’t going anywhere. There was a big argument between her and my parents. They kept interrogating her- asking her where she really went. She kept insisting that she went to her friend’s house. Then, after the argument, my mum was snooping around in her bag and found a ticket to this really far place and a packet of cigarettes and from that moment on, my birthday was completely ruined and even my dad had a go at me the next day. My sister has never apologised for ruining my birthday and I know she never will- not even on my death bed.
  2. She got into a argument with my dad not that long ago because my dad asked her to tidy her room and she said she had no time and then she started watching stuff on the internet. I’m not really sure what else happened, since I had already left for school, but apparently she was rude, said horrible stuff to my mum saying that she wasn’t her mum and the usual stuff blah blah blah and then I came home to find that my computer time (by this point my dad had already shortened my computer time to go on at 9am and off at 10pm) had been shorten even further so that now it goes on at 1pm and off at 9pm and when I told my dad that it wasn’t fair that I need the time, he told me that if I spoke again, he’d shorten it even more. And this happened all because of my sister.

Why my dad punishes me when my sister does something wrong, I don’t know. As far as I’m concerned, I’m a good girl and I follow their ridiculous rule and the rest. Why must I suffer? What have I done wrong?

Nothing! That’s what!

Now that I’m only allowed 8 hours (actually 4 because it takes me a while to get back from school) and I have no wifi on my phone, I am seriously pissed off. Every single time, my parents are bloody restricting me! I’m not allowed to do this, I’m not allowed to do that. I have to sleep by this time. I have to whatever. They aren’t doing what’s best for me! They just want to punish me, like everyone else does! Even my sister who causes all of this, just told me a few minutes ago ‘I’ll break your charger.’ It’s my charger, she doesn’t have to use it. She doesn’t even have the right to. She was the one who wanted to swap chargers in the first place and then she broke my original charger and now she wants to take mine. She the most horrible human being I have ever met- even worse than that girl who swore at me for picking up someone’s pen! Sometimes I just wish she’d leave the house. I’m seriously counting down the days till she leaves for Uni, if she makes it that far, that is, because she doesn’t take her education seriously at all. No, she’d rather drink and smoke with some random strangers she probably met off the internet. Honestly, I’m better of without her.

And don’t even get me started on my parents. They are just so old-fashioned and believe that children don’t have a choice. Even though I’m in my finally in high school, I can’t even do the things that year sevens do. You know- go to other people’s houses, after school or whenever, weekends I’m not allowed to step out of the house unless I want to accompany them while they’re shopping and apparently, holidays are meant to be spent indoor. One thing I don’t get is that my so-called sister goes out every weekend. I swear, it’s favouritism. Maybe I should start behaving badly then and maybe I might get the slightest bit of attention.

Oh, here’s another fun story. One time, when I was in primary school and my sister was in high school, we all went out roller skating (well, at least, I did. My parents didn’t have skates and my sister… no comment) and at one point I found myself going down a hill and I couldn’t stop otherwise I’d fly forward and break my nose. I yelled for help but when I looked back, I saw my sister suddenly fall after standing still in one place and my parents where bending over to help her and whatever . It was clear that I wasn’t going to get any help so I just kept going downhill till I saw stone floor below. I panicked, wondering how to survive this. In the end, I skated towards the side where there was a tiny patch of grass and fell onto my stomach without taking to much damage. As I trudged back up, no one even said a word or even wondered where I’d went.

Even though I’m a good girl and I don’t cause problems for them, they always find a way to restrict me. For one thing, I hardly make plans to go out anyway so I mostly spend a lot of time indoor, on my computer, but for some reason, they don’t want me on the computer, they want me to talk to human beings when they stop me from going out in the first place. Thanks to them, I can’t have a life outside my house and I can’t have a life inside my house. Where else am I supposed to have a life? No, no, for them it’s study, study study, even from primary school when nothing really mattered.

I just can’t stand them or my sister or anyone else and they’re all driving me crazy and I feel like I’m going to fall into that depressive state again. I was already like that this morning an right now I’ve got a pretty bad headache. Usually, in order to manage that ‘state’, I read manga or watch anime in the night to get my mind of things. Of course, that’ll never happen now and I’m definitely going to go over all this and some other painful stuff that I’m not in the mood to share tonight and I’m going to stay up late anyway. It doesn’t make a bloody difference.

I’ve vented for too long so I’m going to end the post now before I right something I’ll regret later.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

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Social Anxiety: Fed up

Forget revision- I’m sick of it…

After having a good cry in my room, I decided that this would be the perfect time to write a post…

So…

Yeah…

This is a little awkward…

Well, basically I’m just fed up, as the title states, because of my inability to socialise. This feeling arose as I was hanging out with my long time primary school friends. (which is quite ironic in a way…) We went to this place near central London to ice skate. It was fun. I mean, sure, I fell over a number of times, but at the end, I felt like all the professional (except from the fact that they were all doing all these fancy tricks and stuff)

But really it was after the ice skating, when we sat down and relaxed in the park, when I started to feel fed up with myself. My friends started talking about parties and boys and exciting experiences they had. They talked about their other friends and their friendship groups. They starting to talk about movies, music and tv shows, and being the lame person that I am, I couldn’t contribute anything to the conversations except useless crap and in the time that I was silent, I began to think about myself and- brace yourself, this will be lame- how I don’t really fit into any friendship group, have I’ve never been to parties, how I’ve never talked to boy, how I clam up when I’m near one, how I’ve never flirted with a boy, how I don’t leave my house often, how lame I am, how non-epic my social life is, how I can’t even make eye contact, how invisible I am, how not interesting I am, and how this list can go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon…

So this is the conclusion of the thoughts:

I. AM. LAME.

There’s no doubt about it. Don’t try and tell me otherwise like my friends did. You will be wasting your time.

I want to be different, so I thought about some of the things I want to achieve:

  1. Make more friends.
  2. Try not to look scary.
  3. Befriend boys.
  4. Join a club/group and meet new people.
  5. Get a boyfriend.
  6. Try not to depend on Grace.
  7. Get out of my house more often.
  8. Stop being such an otaku.
  9. Be a person that people listen to and like to be around.

But of course there are a few problems:

  1. Make more friends.  I have a limited number of friends so it will be hard to make friends with my friends’ friends. Also, I’m shy and socially awkward and scared of meeting new people.
  2. Try not to look scary. I have a scary and pissed off default expression
  3. Befriend boys. Boys make me nervous.
  4. Join a club/group and meet new people.
  5. Get a boyfriend. Boys make me nervous. Also, I am an unpleasant person. Also, I have no guy friends.
  6. Try not to depend on Grace. She’s the only close friend I have at school.
  7. Get out of my house more often. Why? People are scary. Plus, I’m lazy. Plus, I’m an otaku so it fits my nature.
  8. Stop being such an otaku. I love manga, anime, J-Dramas, Doujinshi, Yaoi etc.
  9. Be a person that people listen to and like to be around. I’m socially awkward, I don’t talk, I’m quite unpleasant, I’m boring, some people may believe I have anger management problems, I find people scary and I’m invisible, so that might just be impossible.

See the problem(s) I have?

A lot of the time, I believe I have some form of social anxiety, though I’ve never been diagnosed with it, nor do I believe what ever this is affects my life that much. Still, I don’t believe it’s not a bit problem. My inability to socialise haunts my thoughts daily and sometimes gets me into these depressive states which I just had earlier. And, I know this may be sad, but I have looked up how to overcome social awkwardness/anxiety/phobia and this question almost always appears.

Identify the reason of your fear

And I’m llike:

There’s a reason?

You see, I’ve never thought about a reason. Some reasons are like, ‘you are scared of saying/doing something embarrassing.’ and yeah, I am afraid of that, but is that really the reason I can’t talk to new people or any people at all or even make eye contact? I don’t know. I don’t know why! Is it just like my arachnophobia? A fear with no reason. Or maybe I just fear socialising itself? But that’s not it. I can socialise with my friends.

Or maybe I’m scared about not being accepted.

Maybe I’m scared about being left alone.

Maybe I’m scared about being invisible.

Maybe it’s because I strongly believe that people don’t like me and that’s why I don’t talk to them.

Or maybe it’s because I’m scared of being noticed and then picked on. I’m scared about revealing much about myself and being who I truly want to be due to a childhood trauma.

Maybe it’s all those things…

That’s a lot of ‘maybe’s.

I don’t know what it is, but once I find out what it is, I’ll be sure to do something about it, but for now, I’ll try:

  1. To smile more.
  2. To be nicer.
  3. To do more exercise (i won’t do this)
  4. To go for walks.
  5. To go out more with my primary school friends and other friends.
  6. To not look at the ground so much.
  7. To say hi to people more.
  8. To appear friendly.

Baby steps, my friend, baby steps…

I have to end this post; my brother is trying to eat me. No joke.

~EpicCupcake signing out.