Sayonara, the me of 2013. Make way for 2014!

What will you change?

What will you change?

I’m kind of excited for the new year… but that excitement will end when I get back to school. Ugh… Sorry, I just keep complaining.

But really, I want to make things right. for years I’ve been the same inflexible, annoying, aloof, contradictory person and I really, seriously, want to change. I’ve been having this little battle with myself. One side wants to open the door to new things and the other wants to keep it shut. But I know I can’t stay the way I am so I’m determined to do it.

One thing I want to eliminate is my fear of socialising. I think it’s a little out of hand that now phones are my worst enemy. This will probably be the hardest, but I’ve got to try because college is coming by sooner than I expected. I mean, I allow my eyes to wonder of the clock for a moment in year 5 five and then suddenly BOOM! I’m in high school. I’ve probably wrote this a million times before, but I cannot for my life talk or be around boys. If it’s only one or two and they seem friendly, I’m a little shy but I’ll talk. Shove me in a large group, collection, gathering, sea of boys and then we have a problem.

I’ve been doing more research lately and I’ve got some idea of stuff I have to change. My body language is one thing. I have to smile more (though, believe it or not, some say that I smile too much…) and I have to be less stiff. I did some indian dancing for my school’s international evening in year 8 and I reckon that my movements were smooth and fluid, I think. A month or so ago, I went to my neighbour’s baby shower and every came to the middle and did this dance and I was stiffer than a robot. It was sooooo embarrassing. I feel like crying thinking about it… :/

I also have to learn to be able to start and sustain conversation. I’m probably the world’s worst conversationalist and when people talk to me, all the get from it is awkward silence. Exactly the reason I don’t getting the bus with people I’m not familiar with. I only have random crap to talk about and science and anime/manga. In that way, you could say that I’m not that interesting – at least when it comes to movies, tv shows, music, relationships and… just about everything else… I’m going to try to speak to those I sit next to more. I’ve got to have conversations outside of my head rather than inside my head. I’ve got to open my mouth even if it kills me! Actually, it would be pointless if it killed me…

Then comes the easier stuff. I’m aiming to become healthier. I know I said this earlier and I’ve actually stopped being healthy since a few weeks ago… But it’s good that I kept it up that long so I think it can’t get any worse, it’ll probably get better! In 2014 I want to grow out my hair, have nice skin and probably lose a few pounds around my thighs so I can wear my favourite jeans again! I’ll probably do none of those things but, to start with, I’ll start to go on random walks on saturdays. Normally I’d just stay in and read manga but this holiday, I’ve read everything readable and now I’m dead bored.

In January, I’m going to get the results of my mocks in this scary big envelope and I’m kind of worried. That’s why, in 2014, I’m going to take my revision more seriously and invent cool new ways to revise so it doesn’t bore me to death. My exams are in 6 months and believe me, that time will come quicker than you expect.

And in addition to the ‘new’ me, if it ever shows up… (or exists), I will let go the things that hold me back. Regrets, Sorrow and all that fudge, I’ll tie it to a firework and watch them explode into a million pieces. Now, I have a lot of regrets. That gigantic water balloon I planned to throw on my sister that I drop on the floor by the computer and ended up soaking not only the study but also myself. The lame way I acted when I was auditioning for ‘Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old’ because I was shy. Shouting ‘I’M HUNGRY’ and continuously complaining once on holiday and being filmed (my family all laugh at me when they watch it, but I was young at foolish). Drinking sprite after eating spicy rice a number of times. I’ve done a lot of foolish things, though from the top of my head, I can think of two regrets that have troubled me alot. One of them troubled me over a couple of years, the other… well you know the whole Grace situation though, it’s a little complicated than that. But I’ll end the year with them and start the new year without them. They’ll stay in the past because that’s where they belong. And I won’t look back.

So! A summary?

  1. Overcome social phobia and be more like a teenager! Maybe make new friends? Learn the ways of the sociable. I’ll aim for 100 points on the challenge (16 so far)
  2. Improve my health and wear my jeans again
  3. Study well and in an odd and creative way. A board game? I like games so…
  4. Let go of my regrets. Explode them and throw the remains up and watch them flutter down like confetti doing a little victory dance! Yes!

And a penalty if I don’t do any of these.

  1. A whole week without manga/anime (I’ve done it once… it’s was absolutely, positively horrible…)
  2. 50 push up for everything I don’t do
  3. 5 slaps for ever push up I don’t do

That’s what I’ll do this time next year if I fail to keep this promise. (I’ll start 2015 with bloody cheeks…)

And you too! Any new year resolutions? Set a brutal punishment for yourself next new years like… no internet for a month. Actually, no, that could kill someone… I’d rather do the push ups. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re probably not as lazy and inflexible as me…

Happy New Year for when midnight strikes! Odds are that I’ll be counting down along with you and playing animal crossings. Or screaming as my brother pulls my hair or attempts to eat my forehead… That made me laugh… Okay! Enough for this post! I don’t need to take anymore of your time. Thanks for reading!

~EpicCupcake signing out. (for the last time the year!)

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Well, that’s one hurdle…

Miss backstabber hasn’t said a word to me other than ‘can I borrow your pen?’ And a very dull ‘thanks’. It’s hard to not think about her, how she hurt me and wondering if she’ll one day apologise or act like this never happened. I know, or at least believe that that’ll never happen and to be honest, it’s best that it doesn’t.
But I’m trying my best to forget about her by not speaking to her or acknowledging her for at least a month. After that, I’ll decide whether I want to be her friend or not.
In the meantime, I’ve downloaded a little ‘helper’ to help me cope with the pain of being let down and the anxiety to socialize because, let’s face it, I’m pretty much alone now except for a couple or friends. Backstabber is hanging out with the rest of my friends so it’s kind of awkward. Her and Mandy seem like besties now. I hate it when Mandy looks at me, now that I know what she thinks about me (I can’t even sit anywhere near her for the fear of being judged. She has this snobby look and it’s really horrible.

I’m going off topic.

So recently I downloaded this app called SAM (self-help anxiety management) that was recommended by another WordPress user ages ago. I couldn’t download it at that time because I had a blackberry, but my sister gave me her old HTC so I’m using that now.

I’ve only had it for a day so I can’t say it made a profound difference to my life, but it does actually help. It helps me calm down if I feel stressed, anxious if upset and gives information and a means of managing your anxiety. I know SAM isn’t magic and it won’t transform me overnight or even in a month if I don’t make an effort. It’s me who has to make the difference; SAM is only helping me do that.

I love all of the activities especially the calm breathing one and this picture one but the best has to be the one where you type a thought and then explode it. You won’t believe how many times I typed in backstabber’s name (just once, I’m not that weird)

As I’ve mentioned earlier, I totally messed up my GCSE ensemble piece- it was a disgrace- and I was supposed to do it tomorrow but my music teacher moved it to today. I was a bit nervous but after exploding ‘piano failure’ I felt that I could do it. My teacher took a while before she was ready to record me, but this was good; it gave me enough time to get accustomed to the keys. I could play it well without making mistakes, I realised. It was only the fear that was holding me back. So I did some of the exercises/activities on SAM and practised some more before miss came back. As sure got the recording device ready and sat next to me on the stool, I felt my the tension rising. Hearing her say ‘This is Peanut playing her GCSE ensemble piece.’ I felt like sinking into the earth and nece coming out. Then I has to begin. It started off okay, but then I started to feel the pressure. I wasn’t even midway in the piece when my heart started pounded furiously in my chest. All I could feel was the impending doom coming my way. But then after a horrifying minute or so, I smashed the last keys on the piano, producing my final chord.

It was finished.

Done.

Complete.

I would never have to play the beautiful yet wretched piece again… That is, until my music teacher increased the volume of the piano and said ‘now let’s do it again of full volume so we can hear the dynamics properly.
I begged her and begged her not to make me play it again. It was after school. I wanted to go home. I was still trembling from the last time but in the end I gave in. I still had the original so it couldn’t hurt to try again to aim for better marks.

The second time was better because I made an effort with the dynamics but I did make a tiny mistake that was hardly noticeable though I knew my teacher would notice. I played a note a little longer then a should have and I guess only people familiar with the piece would notice… And probably an examiner. Oh well. My heart had pounded the same way the first time, but in addition to that, my leg was shaking violently and I PRAYED that my teacher wouldn’t notice; it was SO embarrassing!

My teacher had to leave to continue with auditions for, what I thought to be, RnB band and I stayed in that room for a good ten minutes trying to get my leg to stop shaking. I did some more activities on SAM and felt better. Now I’m not shaking so much!

So in the end I wasn’t able to overcome my anxiety from playing that particular piece, but at least I was able to play it through without any major disasters… or crying. So that’s something!
Now it’s back to homework sweet homework so I’ve got to go and explode some more thoughts.

Until then!

~EpicCupcake signing out.