Not Gonna Lie, It’s Hard Work

Wasssuuuup?

Just kidding.

Hey there, it’s been a while. I’ve been kind of avoiding writing a post for a while now. So much so that I failed to write anything for the whole of October. This is me just letting you know I’m still alive and kicking. Well that and other stuff, which I will be moving on to now,

Moving swiftly on.

So if you want to know what I’ve been up to, I’ve just been spending the last month fretting over my UCAS and, more importantly, my personal statement. My college deadly was two days ago so that will probably tell you that I’ve already shipped it off (well to my form tutor first to attach my reference and then to UCAS and then to universities!

I am suuuuper nervous and my brain keeps telling me that my personal statement isn’t good enough. I’m really really really hoping for an unconditional offer. I’m hoping my predicted grades and my AS grades will persuade them. Fingers crossed!

But that’s all I’m saying about academic stuff. I can’t keep talking about it. I don’t like college that much.

No, I want to talk about (write, er… type, rather) friendship and a certain person I happen to be friends with.

I always used to wonder why it is that I can count the number of friends I have on my fingers, or why I’ve never gone to parties and such- like house parties. It’s probably due to the fact that I’m not that invested in people. I just don’t care that much about people so I never really make an effort. This is really clear to me now. I can see it in my day to day interactions. I love being by myself. Doing activities alone rather than in pairs and not just because I’m scared I won’t have anyone to work with. I don’t care about others to the extent that I don’t even know half of the people in my class and 3/4 of people’s names. In fact, I probably know the names of about 5 people in my maths class and these people are people I’ve had classes with as well as the guy who sits next to me. It’s so bad that for the first month back I had to double check my timetable to make sure I was entering the same class each time. I did that last year too. Now I just look for certain people.

So yeah, I don’t care about people. Not that if someone was hurt or something I wouldn’t care. It’s more like, I don’t care about socialising with people. So this made me a little confused when I came to be friends with… let’s call him Mochi.

So Mochi and I work in the same charity shop- that’s how we met. He’s actually the dude I mentioned in my last post. I only realised I wrote about him before about halfway into this post so forgive me if I repeat myself. So back to the story. We’d somehow only met each other months after both him and I started working there. We both work Saturdays and I start when he finishes (I basically take over the till from him) so that’s probably why, though nowadays I always meet him before he leaves so that’s weird.

Anyway, when I met Mochi, I instantly liked him. He’s just got this nice refreshing vibe that most people don’t have. I’m not entirely sure what it was in particular that gave me that impression. Despite this, I didn’t go ahead and jump in and try to be his friend. I’m a bit reserved and I don’t really know what the protocol is for ‘jumping in and trying to be someone’s friend’ so I stuck to exchanging greetings. It was only when he started talking to me about college and we found out we were going (or about to go as this was before the school year started) to the same college. He was going to be my first kouhai of some sort but you know, I kind of wanted it to be more than that.

So I tried a little harder than I would for most people. After I was sure I wasn’t mistaking him for someone else, I began talking to him whenever I saw him. This was quite hard for me because I’m used to pretending I didn’t see someone to avoid them for reasons probably linked to my poor social skills. I still have those moments when I avoid him. I think I did it yesterday actually… Still, I’m trying harder than I normally do so it’s a start at least.

When we used to bump into each other we’d start by saying hi and then I’d sort of panic because I wouldn’t know what to say next and I wouldn’t know whether to keep walking or stop and talk which led to awkward moments of silence where I stare at him and smile awkwardly waiting to see what he’d do next. It would be suuuper awkward and I’d spend the whole day thinking about it and feeling stupid as I normally do when I make interpersonal fails.

But one day I caught him in the library and mustered up the courage to sit next to him and talk/read. This was especially hard for me because I quite frankly I don’t know what level of intimacy needs to be achieved before you can invite yourself to hang out with someone. I took a chance anyway and when I did, all I was thinking suddenly felt stupid. I mean, we’re talking about sitting next to someone and talking. We’ve talked standing up many times and once sitting down ages ago. Sorry, I feel like I have to apologise for the way I’m viewing everything. You’ve probably never met another human who thinks like this.

Even though I called Mochi my friend in the last post, I wasn’t entirely sure if we had reached the status of ‘friends’ and I didn’t want to ask him because I felt that had needy and desperate connotations- both extremely unattractive vibes. I felt like he was my, as Cloud would say, fracquaintance. And while that was all nice and good, I wasn’t really interested in gaining another fracquaintance. I wanted a friend. So I decided to get to know him a little better.

Yesterday, I caught him walking out of college with a friend and I was going to pretend I hadn’t seen him because I was feeling awkward but after a while I ended up right behind him and I had already avoided him once that day, like I said earlier, so I went and said hi. We spoke briefly but he was already talking to his friend before I can so I figured it was only polite to let them talk. I pretended to check stuff on my phone while I walked beside him. When we parted ways with his friend, I had intended to walk but Mochi was going to take the bus. Normally, I’d pick going my way alone but I decided that I’d follow Mochi since we took the same bus. He brought up a random topic which we talked about until the bus came (well, that and UCAS because that’s kind of my life now) and I sort of felt closer to him because he shared stuff about himself. It was the kind of conversation I’d have with my own friends- my closest friends- before we all became boring on account of UCAS and A levels taking over our lives.

On the bus I attempted to steer the conversation away from UCAS and more towards ourselves. I learnt a bit about him. I already knew he was an avid reader and writes like me, but I didn’t know he was working on a novel in lieu of revising for NaNoWriMo which he has promised to let me read and I will hold that against him until he lets me read it. I didn’t know he was planning on studying History in uni (but that’s sort of to do with UCAS so…) I also learnt his last name and stupidly didn’t think to tell him my own. Oddly enough, our surnames only differ by two letters. (Two extra letters on my part most probably) We talked mostly about reading and writing but I think they’re a big part of his life and I’m glad because they’re a big part of my life too. Finally, a fellow writer! If only he watched anime…

After that little bonding moment on the bus, I did generally feel closer to him and perhaps he felt the same way because I saw him this morning and he so kindly walked me to my bio lesson shielding me from the unforgiving British rain with his life saving umbrella (okay, going into story writing mode…) I think that was a particularly intimate thing- not necessarily in a romantic sense but in a friendship sort of… sense. Sorry, I didn’t know how to word that.

This whole friendship making biz is hard work for someone like me, not gonna lie. My avoidant personality makes life kinda hard but I guess if you really want it, you’ll work for it and when you get it, it really pays off. I think I can safely say Mochi and I are friends. How close we are is another story and that will take more analysis because unfortunately I’m not good at sensing those kind of things. I’ve gotten things wrong before- thinking I’m closer to someone when in truth we’re not that close so it’s like a detective game of some sort. You have to look for the clues. Let’s hope I’ll find them!

This post is all over the place. I never really started with any sort of structure in mind so I apologise for that as well. I just had to write so I wrote (typed). Unfortunately I must finish here because it’s too late to talk about ‘that other thing’ that I was going to mention. It’s pretty important in my whole ‘story’ so I will definitely mention it at some point, BUT for now, I must end here.

Er… almost forgot how to end this.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

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Miss Senpai is a Busy Busy Bee who is facing DOOM at the DENTIST’S CHAIR

This is pretty much teach cleaning.

An accurate depiction of teeth cleaning, guys.

‘Busy busy bee.’

I almost never use this phrase so that’s how you know I’m busy.

Quest-ce que ‘sup? (Big Bang Theory forever, dudes ❤ )

I’ve finally gotten out of that slump of whatever you call being bored out of your mind but I guess that’s because I’ve started college again. I meant to write a post about my first day but didn’t and now it’s probably too late but I might as well go ahead with it.

So the first years (the year 12) have finally made their appearance (like two weeks ago) some of whom I know because the majority of them went to my high school. I was surprised to see a friend of mine who volunteers in the charity shop I also volunteer in. We see each other occasionally- actually scratch that- we see each other all the time. Or rather I see him all the time. I don’t know if this happens to other people but I can remember what people look like, but at soon as I see them in a different setting I just can’t recognise them. This has led to really awkward moments. I think it must’ve looked like I ignored him at first but we did talk once in the morning and he didn’t seem pissed or fed up at me. Well it’s not like we’re that close. Well, whatever he thinks, I did warn him that I’m super awkward… to which he says he doesn’t see it. I thought he was just being polite but he insisted. I told him thanks for believing in me.

Actually I saw him on Tuesday when I was waiting in line at lunch. I was RIGHT BEHIND him and I had one of those ‘is this him…?’ moments. I left the queue eventually for a reason I can’t be bother to explain (something about how the queue works and hot food and cold food) but when I saw him again I decided it’s time to end this nonsense and say hi…

And I did…

And it was him! WOO! Point Peanut!

And then we had another awkward short conversion. But who cares! I took a risk and I didn’t horribly embarrass myself! That’s more than enough, thank you.

For now anyway.

It’s weird having a first year as a friend. When I was in primary school, I did make friends with kids younger than me, but I never did that in high school. It was great to have someone to pass your wise knowledge and teaching or whatever. My very own kouhai :3. Talking to him about college really makes me feel older and mature. Like a 17 year old rather than a 10 year old.

I can’t even believe I’m 17 already. And that next year I’ll be in uni. Weeeeeiiiiirrrrd. The other day I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned (which is a lot more horrifying than it sounds with a lot more blood than you’d expect especially if you haven’t been to the dentist in 4 years and never floss) and when he asked for my age I almost said 15. Not even 16. Fifteen. Guess who’s stuck in the past?

Now that I think about it I’ve played this dentist game a lot in the past (like 1-2 years ago). With all the anaesthetics and laughing gas I’ve had to use, I don’t know why I didn’t expect it to hurt as much as it did.

And you know what hurts more than teeth cleaning?

Writing personal statements. I am practically slaving away writing the crappiest 4000 characters WITH SPACES of my life. I will say no more about this. OTHER THAN MY DEADLINE IS THE 2ND OF NOVEMBER!!!!

Put that date in your planners guys.

That day… is DOOMSDAY.

So yeah, positive thoughts! 😀

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Just My Luck…

Hello.

Sorry, I’m not in a good mood so this post is gonna be a little morose.

So now I know what heartbreak feels like.

It’s not nice.

It’s horrible.

God, it’s making me feel so empty and hollow.

Today I just found out that Phoenix is actually going out with someone. For four months now.

When I initially heard, I was with my friends cause one of my friends was telling me, because she had forgotten that I had a crush on her.

I kept my cool. I didn’t burst into tears. My friends were all like ‘Are you alright?’ and I was like ‘Oh well, I knew she didn’t like me in the first place so there’s no need to be miserable about it.’. And that really surprised me because soon after, I walked off to my maths lesson and kept my head on the table the whole time while I cried silently.

This went on for the rest of the day. Me being miserable. In my bio lesson I tried to cheer up a bit, and I did, but literally after that I really couldn’t hold it in for much longer.

I pasted Phoneix on the way out of college. She said hi. I had to say hi back despite the fact I dashed out of my lesson to avoid seeing her (you know, so I wouldn’t burst into tears right there on the spot). It was even worse when I played my music like I normally do to and from college and it started playing ‘Happy Together’. A song that would remind me of her. That really didn’t help things.

I managed to hold most of it in till I got home and it literally just all burst out and I was crying and crying and my music was playing and then I was crying and singing and wailing and feeling bad for the neighbours and… gosh…

I guess it’s my fault for falling so deeply for her. I was practically in love with her. I really was. And even though I’m trying to resolve to move on, I know part of me wont let me. No, not part of me- all of me. I know it’s unhealthy to have these lingering feelings but I just can’t help it! It’s her fault for being so perfect and awesome and beautiful. :/

Aaaaaaaaahhhh moooouuuuu… I don’t feel like crying anymore. I have to watch some anime or something…

Happy Friday the 13, everyone… This is just my luck.

~EpicCupcake, signing out.

Not So Obvious

Protagonist POV vs Audience POV

I remember, back in the day, those videos our teachers forced us to watch in PSHE about staying clear of substations, having safe sex and dealing with strangers etc. I always thought it was pointless cause these things were so obvious, or at least from the audience’s point of view. When you’re experiencing these things first hand, you may find your view shifts or does a total 180.

A while ago, I was reading on the bus when all of a sudden this woman tried to grab my attention. Upon removing my earphones and looking up from my book, she told me:

‘I always see you reading here.’

Now, coming from an old woman, that wouldn’t be so alarming. It’s almost flattering cause I always get the feeling that old women on my bus hate teenagers (and I don’t blame them- have you seen the kids that get on my bus?? Brrr… I just got the chills…). However she was not old. Probably between 30 and 40. Now as the audience start to get suspicious, I just get nervous because… well because I’m socially awkward. We carry on talking. (She speaks, I listen and smile awkwardly)

‘Book’s are expensive these days, aren’t they?’

‘What kind of books do you like?’

‘I’ve got some books at my house.’

‘You can come over when you want and I’ll happily give you some.’

At this point to audience will be screaming at me and face-palming as I give her my phone to write down her number. I didn’t really know what I was doing. I was only thinking about how this feels like a story plot, where the nice woman invites you into her home for tea and a place to read whatever she offered and as I read, her cute nephew would walk in and we would talk and, long story short, romance novel. Of course somehow, at the same time, I quickly ran through all the possible ways she could murder or rape me, but she seemed legit. But then again, a lot of dodgy people seem legit. Hence the existence of ‘Rip off Britain’ (Love that show).

I told my mum about it when I got home and she found it funny and told me not to go… not that I needed to be told, because I as I thought over and relayed the story, I began to see things through the eyes of the audience. I couldn’t believe I even thought about it…

The reason I’m writing about this today is because something similar happened not long ago.

It’s dark as I’m walking home from college as I catch sight of these guys in front of me, though its more their silhouette cause it’s quite dark.One of them approaches me and I’m quite alarmed as I normally would be when it’s this dark. The guy who approaches me asks if I can help him. He’s smiling so instantly I’m tricked into believing he’s legit. I consider helping him despite the fact his friend had put some distance between us. I assumed he was going to ask for directions, but before I could think of anything to say, my mouth moved on it’s own.

‘Sorry! I have to get going now!’ I said confidently, yet friendly, as I continued walking. I put even put up a hand in apology and kept walking, looking back at some point to ensure they weren’t following me. Not that I thought they would cause the smiley boy looked defeated. Meanwhile I was thinking,

‘Help? Yeah right, you just want to drag me into the bushes. As if I’ll let you put your grimy hands on this!’

Again I told my mum and she told me they were probably going to mug me. A classic set up- the smiley one distracts, the shadowy one steals. They run. I cry. If I had been watching this, I would’ve screamed at the protagonist for even hesitating for a second, so it just goes to show that maybe these videos are important cause perhaps the true intentions of others are not so obvious.

Borderline Personality Disorder

So, yeah, for some reason I just keep getting sick. I stayed home from school today and I’ve been doing absolutely nothing. I’m SUPER hungry for some odd reason and I feel guilty because even though I was supposed to be sick, I was chasing my brother around the house and playing some kind of odd football game. I now have a headache. And I’m still hungry. I literally just ate not long ago.

But enough about what I’ve been getting up to today. Over the last few days I’ve been doing some heavy thinking. (heavy?) Worrying about my health with my asthma getting worse and my eczema going crazy and feeling hungry all the time and stuff. And then about my emotions and stuff and it makes me feel so confused.

Since ages ages ago, I’ve been doing research on every mental or personality disorder there is, trying to find out what exactly is wrong with me. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it, but I’ve been focusing a lot on Borderline Personality Disorder, which I like to refer to as BPD. And it feels kind of weird searching for my problem and then not doing anything with my answers or asking for help, but I know my parents (especially my mum) would either say that I need to pray or say that I spend to much time on the internet researching nonsense. I don’t think my parents truly believe that stuff like BPD and other disorders actually exist. They probably think it’s just something people made up to get attention or whatever. That’s one reason I can’t talk to my parents.

So, about BPD, I’ve done a lot of online personality disorder tests, and I’ve gone on lots of websites and I’ve seen loads of documentaries and my understanding of the disorder (gosh, I’m so hungry) lead me to believe that I might actually have the disorder. When I came across it for the first time, I didn’t really see what they described in myself, but over time as I kept coming back to it, I realised a lot of it applied to me. One thing I particularly trust is the DSM IV. Here is the diagnostic criteria:

  1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
  2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called “splitting.”
  3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
  4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
  5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
  6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
  7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
  8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
  9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

One thing about me that makes me doubt that I have BPD is that the fact that I feel that I do have some control even though I feel totally out of control. I’ve never really thought about cutting myself or planning suicide though I know I may have said inappropriate things about that. Also, although I feel like I’m impulsive, I feel like I hardly give into it. Of all the things listed in number 4, I can safely say that that’s not the case for me. I’m always careful with money hardly spending it on myself because I worry for the future. Plus, I’d feel guilty. As for binge eating, I eat a lot but I don’t binge. I’m just greedy. And… always hungry… The rest on that list don’t apply to me.

Another thing that made me doubtful was number 1. It’s true that I don’t want to be abandoned. It’s true that when Grace just decided she was going to ignore for the rest of my life and act as if I’m dead, I was… there isn’t really a word to describe it. I felt broken inside. Distressed. I felt like everything was falling apart and that it was the end of the world. I cried a lot. For one person who didn’t really care about anyone. I know I went to I wouldn’t say ‘great’, but great efforts to get us back together. One included embarrassing myself in front of everyone as I chased after her one day after school when I had a club to go to practically begging for her forgiveness and to forget everything and to just started again. She didn’t listen (of course) and just walked away. I don’t want to go into full Grace rant, but I’d just like to say that it wasn’t me who insisted to be friends with her. She just decided it one day and I went along with it, learning to love her and her little (and annoying) quirks.

Even though I did that embarrassing thing and even tried (I’m not proud of this) to guilt her and others into not abandoning me or paying me a little more attention, I wouldn’t say that I go to frantic efforts to avoid being alone. If I did, I’d still be hanging around Grace while she ignored me and enjoyed having someone fuss over her. She’s big headed like that… I do, in fact, like spending time alone. I like being secluded in my room. I really do. Of course, I wouldn’t want to stay here all the time, but it’s the best place to be. My room is my natural habitat. It’s mine and I can be who I am… And who am I exactly…?

I’ve been asking that questions for years but I’ve never really gotten a straight answer. One thing I’ve learnt about BPD is that people with it adapt themselves and adopt the mannerisms of the people that surround them, so, in the end, they have loads of different personalities towards different people and when different people are in the same place with you, it’s hard to figure out who to be. And with all this adapting, you find it hard to recognise which one of these personalities is actually you. I have this hypothesis that if you want to know a little bit what a person is like, watch them by themselves. I tend to watch people as they walk. I make note of the way they walk, their expressions and how they change when they’re with a friend or someone they know. But, back on topic, I’ve noticed that I act differently around different people and I mentioned this is another post. To some people I am polite and shy, to others I’m hyper and annoying, to others I’m sarcastic or cold, to others I’m mature and reserved and to my family, I’m just this mess of emotions and confusion. Like some kind of toddler.

Once I was in a situation when I was with Grace and my primary school buddies at the same time. I found it a little difficult to adapt. I didn’t know how to act because there were people from my past who I weren’t close to so I had to act… like a normal teenager and act mature and reserved but also nice and friendly. Then there were my primary school buddies and I had to act hyper around them. And then there was Grace and normally I was sarcastic around her though not cold. Just sarcastic. The funny thing is that she’s not sarcastic. So there I was, this slightly confused mature yet childish and hyper yet still sarcastic… thing. I don’t even know what to call myself. Another time I was with people who were much older than me and with my friend Tori and she found it weird when I was acting all quiet and shy with a higher pitched voice than she was used to hearing me use.

I’m going to go ahead with number 2 (I should really do this in order) and say that I didn’t really get that one. I don’t think I’ve had any ‘intense’ or ‘unstable’ interpersonal relationships. I’m assuming that they are talking about romantic relationships and I’ve never had a boyfriend so… But I guess this could apply to friends as well. I’m not sure. As I said, I don’t really understand this one. However, I do think I understand the concept of splitting. There are times where someone does something and I immediately think ‘Oh, I really hate this person!’, or ‘I really like this person!’. There’s no in between. It’s either like or hate and I get like this for stupid reasons. I’ve got two examples:

  1. Devaluation: My dad and I are sitting at the dining table using our laptops. I go somewhere and come back to find that my laptop is off because my dad accidentally unplugged it thinking it was his. I got soooooo mad about that. That’s one thing I ABSOLUTELY HATE. If you really want to make me mad, don’t punch me, just unplug my laptop. My battery has malfunctioned so I don’t use it anymore. The only source of my laptop’s power is the mains. Seriously, unplug my laptop and I will hate you for a good hour or so. I’d cry, I’d yell, I’d mutter to myself and if I’m just particularly irritated, I’d even throw things across  my room or start ripping up paper and marvel the beautiful artwork I’ve made on the floor. Yeah… I’m crazy.
  2. Idealisation: I’ll give a general example. I meet a stranger on the bus or wherever and witness them doing something nice for someone and it can be the littlest thing and BAM! I’m instantly in love with them. And when I say ‘in love’ I don’t mean it like that but… you know… I’d admire them. I’d want to be friends with that person and start to imagine it. Sometimes if people pay me particular attention when they don’t normally, I suddenly feel like I’m connected to that person. I also admire them so much and put them on a pedestal. Then if they ignore me (basically, not treat me like a close friend) that pedestal would just crumble and they are insignificant again.

I won’t bother explaining 6, 7 or 8 because I think it’s obvious that all those apply to me. I get irritable, anxious, I sometimes feel just empty and distant from everyone and I pretty much feel angry every day. My mum telling me that the bin still hasn’t been taken out on a Monday morning makes me so mad and I don’t even know how to explain it. I feel before I think. I feel angry, I try to explain it but I can’t seem to find the words or I do find the words, but they sound so stupid that I feel angry about getting angry in the first place. Now-a-days I don’t bother explaining and just say ‘I don’t know why I’m angry.’ or ‘You wouldn’t understand.’ It really confuses my mum. Also, around the time before Grace stopped talking to me, I would sometimes go to school in the morning and just still with my head down on my desk and start crying. I wouldn’t know why. I’d just start crying. Then I’d feel guilty for crying when there’s nothing wrong and I’d get upset about that. The guilt I feel sometimes really crushes my spirit. I always feel so guilty and for what reason?

As for number 9, I never truly got that one so I’ll leave it out.

So far, BPD is the best match to what I feel so I’m going to continue looking into it. But even so, it won’t make a difference whether I find out of not. I mean, yes I’ll feel relieved that I’m not just a bad person and that there’s actually something wrong with me, but I can’t really get better, assuming I have BPD, if I don’t tell anyone or get diagnosed and get treatment. Still, I think I’d feel a little better if I had someone I could talk to about this on a daily or even weekly basis. I used to talk to Grace about it but then look where it led me. I’ve talked about it with my friend Phoenix because she has some problems of her own, but I don’t really feel that close to her. I don’t feel that close to anyone. So for the meantime, I’m going to continue writing in notebooks, expressing my feeling through writing and working on this blog. I don’t really find much time to do any of those things, you know between homework, revision and being ill. But I’ll try my best.

I’ll make a new goal: I’m going to try and summon the courage to find someone to talk about this stuff to. Someone I can trust. Someone who will understand. Someone who gets me, or at least tries to. 😉 I feel like I’m getting closer to my friends though. Recently I’ve been revealing the world of yaoi and anime to my friend Ann. Not necessarily because I want her to like yaoi. Just because I like to creep people out and tell them loads of Japanese terms they’ll never learn,

Thanks for reading this whole chunk of writing. It means a lot. 🙂

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Busy Week Ahead!/Scary School Children

My message to all bullies.
You’re gonna hear me…

It sure has been a while… Well, just so you know, I have been studying and eating well and stuff. I haven’t just been lazying about eating biscuits and reading manga…

I’ve been kind of… stuck thinking of a post recently so I haven’t really written anything until now because, finally, I have something to talk about! So… I’ll just get on with that.

This week is quite a bit eventful for me with a couple of stuff line up for me each day including Saturday my beautiful, beautiful rest day that I have to spend in school and church. Horrible, isn’t it?

Anyway, tomorrow I’ve volunteered to do this… well… I’m not entirely sure what it is, but I have to give this talk, along with other year 11 students  to year 9s about GCSE. I’ve already talked to the STEM club in my school some time ago with two other prefects, but that was more science and technology based (because it was STEM club). This is going to be a general talk about GCSEs especially Triple Science, Geography, History and other subjects. I can’t wait to shock the year 9s when I tell them I only got one of my choices. Heh heh. But most importantly, I really want to help them make the right decisions (e.g. don’t take music or extra languages… just kidding.) so that they will be happy with what they are learning, get good grades and be ready for whatever college has to throw at them.

And, you know, thinking about doing this talk thingy makes me think ‘wow, I’ve actually got experience in something!’ And I do; I’ve been doing this for over a year now and, to be quite honest, I want out. buuuuuut, that isn’t going to happen until June so until then, GCSEs have to be my best friend! It’s hard to believe that I’m in the oldest year group in my school. I mean, some students stretch over me and I feel like a dwarf at school, even though I am quite tall. And also, about 90% of the girls in years 7-10 wear 20 times as much make up as I do (which is just, like, Vaseline with the occasional lip gloss) They’re all so scary and intimidating (okay, maybe not all of them) and I forget that I’m a good 2 years older than the scariest ones.

I think one of the worst group of people to get bullied by are younger students. Not only do they just hurt your feelings, they also hurt you pride which is pretty painful.

I would know.

About two years ago, or one, it was a really rainy and humid day and I was just casually on the bus when these boys got on. I overheard them talking about someone (more like mocking someone) and laughing. I assumed they were making fun of this man nearby and I felt sorry for him. It was only when they left the bus that I learnt the cruel truth. One of the boys said to me:

‘Hey, ever heard of a brush?’ And he laughed his stupid laugh as he hopped off the bus quickly with his friends. I glared at them, naturally, but then as I walked home in the pouring unforgiving rain with no umbrella to keep my fuzzy mane of a hair from getting any worse, I started to cry. I had been cruelly mocked in public, the very thing I had always feared. I mean, it’s bad enough in school but in public it’s just… But the worst part was that I took out my mirror and I checked my hair and it was perfectly fine! The same as always. It hadn’t puffed up or disobeyed the laws of gravity. It was absolutely fine and I was furious!

So yeah, no matter how young or childish the younger ones look, they’re still pretty scary. At lot of them are actually mature though I’m starting to view the younger ones as a little annoying. No offense, but they like to challenge and intimidate our year and like to run around moaning about how much homework they have, or at least that’s how it is in my school. When I was in year 7, I used to hate it when the year 11s called us little children, and they were incorrect to call us that, we were still young adults, but I kind of get where they’re coming from.

The other day I was waiting at the bus stop and I saw this small girl in year 7 with her mum. The bus came and I hopped on along with her and other people. But then the bus was packed and the door closed before her mother could get on, and the way she cried and shrieked at the bus driver telling him to open the door that her ‘mummy is out there!’ really surprised me. She only had to stay on for one stop and either wait for her mum to come or to walk back which, to be honest, wasn’t that far. Still, I guess the bus driver should’ve let her get off or something, if not let her mum on. I thought I should’ve been a good senpai and helped her, but from her hysterical expression, I was worried she’d scratch me or something, I really was. Plus, I wouldn’t want to let my shyness take over and start stammering or something…

It was kind of funny though… Now that I think about it… Am I a bad person?

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Results’ Day/Exam Pressure and Revision

Yesterday in school, there was a little practice- a ‘dress rehearsal’ was what the teachers called it- of what would happen about seven months from now. Yes… result’s day. After those grueling two weeks of torture known as exams, and a Christmas holiday that was more of a I’m-so-nervous-I’m-gonna-wet my-pants holiday, we finally got our results for our mock exams. I have to say, I was pleased with what I got. All As and A*s except for one grade… English. English language. The exam I thought I pretty much aced it. I didn’t even get a B for it. My grade dropped straight down to a C, which is still good, but it’s three grades below my target grade and, most importantly, my English teacher’s going to give me a hard time about it. Still, it doesn’t bother me that much.

There were an assortment of grades with a mixture of tears of relief and tears or disappointment yesterday and today. People were eagerly asking each other what they got and showing off their amazing grades. Others were in tears, talking to teachers. Like an good teacher, they encouraged then not to give up and to change those grades by the time summer comes. One of my friends told me today that she hated it when people who were smarter than her said their grades and asked what she got. I agreed with her- it’s not fair at all. It’s embarrassing. Which was why I pretty much stayed quiet about my grade only speaking of my English Language grade and only really asking the people in my English class what they got for that. And, like the ‘ever so modest person I am’ when other asked me about my grades, I said them, smiled and kind of looked down. and whispered a thank you when they congratulated me. It’s like I’m torn between being modest and not seeming stuck up. It’s kind of complicated, I can’t really explain it.

I’m sure the buzz about exams won’t die down any soon. Though now that we’ve got our mock results GCSE results’ day style, the tension is building and the pressure is even more suffocating. I’m glad that for a lot of my subject, there’s no coursework, and for the coursework I do have, it’s controlled conditions so I don’t need to work on it at home and in my free time. Nevertheless, there’s still a lot I need to do. I need to start thinking about resits for my music since I’ve got a string of Bs hanging round my neck and it’s only my final exam that can push it to an A. I would redo them, if I wasn’t nervous as hell… and if I hadn’t lost the pieces… That wasn’t very wise of me…

And then there’s English to worry about. I have no idea how I got the grade I did. I tried to pin it on my writing, but I got an A in Literature so I’m not quite sure. It’s horrible to not be good at English Language, because there isn’t really a clear way to up your score. If it’s something like science of maths, you can do quick questions or just look up… I don’t know… limestone on BBC Bitesize.

At the moment, I’m really thinking of strategies to help me revise, but I never look at notes and I get board of cue cards. I tried to make a game on Stencyl, a PowerPoint Presentation, a board game, but nothing seems to fit me. Only test papers seem to work and there are a limited number of test papers out there. There will come a time when the pressure will be too much and I have virtually no time left and I’ll probably crack from the pressure. I suddenly wish I was back in year 10 so I can take my revision more seriously. Every year, the teachers say ‘Start your revision now! From the beginning!’. Every year, everyone ignores them. Every year, they regret it. If I could go back in time, I’d start making my notes. Of course, I can’t go back, and I wouldn’t anyway; I’ve already done so much. To make notes now for everything would take forever though so I’ll stick to my normal revision method: books and the internet.

Wish me luck for… about 4 months?

~EpicCupcake signing out.