Pansexual 1

Why didn't I come up with that?

Why didn’t I come up with that?

During exam week, I was hanging out with Phoenix and other people for a quick ‘revision session’ and somehow the conversation switched to sexuality. When someone asked her what pansexuality was, I told them that it’s when you are sexuality attracted to cookware.

In my mind, that was a good one but I have to say, this would’ve been even better. In my opinion anyway…

Aaah, haven’t posted in ages! Enjoy! ;3 and… TO BE CONTINUED!

…Probably.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Back From The Dead

Okay, so three days after I made the last post, I was on my computer, still a little morose, when all of a sudden it started shutting down. It didn’t mean anything to me because that sort of thing happens sometimes. Especially if I haven’t shutdown in a long time. After it finished installing the updates and shutting down, I turned it on but instead of loading windows, all I got was this:

When my laptop died

That’s right, I got the

BLACK SCREEN OF DEEEEEAAAATTTHHHSDFVDCVDV!!!

And at that point, my heart went from being broken to being shattered.

But now it’s back from the dead again after getting it wiped clean of the virus that took over. I still had some of my stuff but some programs were deleted and my settings depersonalised so I spend some time setting the background to anime pictures, my screen saver to anime pictures, installing Office, installing antivirus etc.. At around six my computer wanted to install some updates. I was a little scared but figured it was going to do it at some point so I went ahead and shut it down.

And guess what it said

Installing 1 of 196 updates.

I had to leave it overnight but I stupidly closed my laptop so when I went to bed so it made no progress…

But at least it was working and I got some programs back 🙂 And no more malfunctioning!! 😀

I’ve been pretty busy since then since my exams are just around the corner but now I’m taking a two hour break so I am able to make a post.

 

Anyway, not much has happened since the last post except for one big thing.

It was a spur of the moment thing and pretty painful but I did it nonetheless.

When my mum came home, she heard me talking to my friend Cloud. I was telling Cloud what happened cause I knew I had to talk to someone about it before I continued my half-sobbing-half-singing. When I came down to greet my mum (cause my parents hate it when you don’t) she saw my face and demanded to know what happened. So I told her that the person I liked had a girlfriend and she went on to say how I shouldn’t get involved with boys, how they only want one thing yada yada yada. You know- the usual. I tried telling her it was different but she said all boys were like that. She asked if I was going out with ‘him’ and I said no and she was like, ‘Then why are you crying? It’s not like he broke up with you.’

As the conversation dragged out, I felt that I should just tell her the truth. I can’t remember my reason for doing so, but I hate keeping secrets so I told her that the person I liked went to my high school to indicate that it was, indeed, a girl (Went to an all girl’s high school). My mum then thought that I meant that a friend from my high school introduced me to the guy I liked. I kept giving her more clues, making it more obvious each time but my mum either just didn’t understand or wouldn’t believe what she was hearing. Then I tried a different approach.

I told her that my friend Phoenix got a girl friend. Her exact words were: “That’s terrible!” Exact words… That made it even harder to get the next words out. While she was thinking I was upset that Phoenix was bi, I finally told her that I liked Phoenix and the shock on my mum’s face made me want to run away. And I did run away upstairs and after a while I came back and we continued our conversation.

My mum said the things I expected her to:

 

“So you’re a lesbian.”

“Do you think that’s what God wants?”

“So you’re sexually attracted to women?”

“Do you know how women have sex?”

“Does that mean when you’re married to a man, you will be dating a woman at the same time?” (She asked that when I said I was bi (???))

“I just can’t believe it…”

 

I was standing some distance away from her, my face burning the way it was about a year when I told Ann. I did laugh at some point when she said stupid stereotypes and when she talked about sex I was like: “Whoa, please don’t go into that subject, mum…”

But the weird thing was that after we finished the conversation, feeling a little embarrassed and vulnerable, I brought up another subject, something I had to ask her (I won’t go through the details) and we started talking about that and we were talking like normal. Even after that day, we were talking like normal- her complaining at me and me trying not to lose my temper, or us talking and laughing and making jokes. I did ask her, that same day, if she hates me because I’m bi. She said that it was my decision and she can’t hate me because of it. One time when I was telling her about a friend at college, and how we went to the same high school but we’re becoming closer now, she joked and said, “So now you’ve moved on from Phoenix and have a new lover?” Actually I’m not sure if she was joking because she said “You never know when it comes to you, Peanut.”, but she I knew she was purposely making fun of me as per usual so I guess everything’s good. Also she hasn’t told anyone which I appreciate because normally she opens her mouth at the first opportunity she gets.

Yep… that’s my mum for you.

 

I don’t know if I’ll ever tell my dad, because my dad is the understanding one (most of the time, anyway) and if he gets angry or disappointed, I wouldn’t know what to do. I’d probably regret it. As for my sister… that would be super awkward.

Oh well, I think about it later. For now, it’s time to watch anime. (I know what you’re thinking, but I am NOT obsessed with anime.)

Maybe my next post will feature Phoenix. Maybe not. Oh! And it my feature my new hobby- programming!

 

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Coming Out.

There’s something I need to tell you… I’M NOT A SQUIRREL, I’M A CHIPMUNK!!!

JK JK I kid you. I’m 100% a nut loving creature… historically of course… Hahahaha! Honestly… Where do I  come up with these jokes???

Almost like I drew this, right?

Yes. Coming out. As in proclaiming your gayness. Out loud. For the whole world to know. Gayness. Not fruitiness.

Normally when I’m retelling something or talking about myself, I put the post in the category ‘Dear Diary’ or at least I try to. Now… Notice how this isn’t in ‘Dear Diary’. Now slowly realise that no, this is not about my coming out story because I have not come out and nor do I plan to anytime soon.

But just think about it… The concept of coming out. Whenever someone comes out I always feel this profound admiration to be able to say it loud and proud. In actual fact I only happen to have on non-straight friend who actually happened to be my crush, Phoenix. Her coming out to me was quite a shock to me, even though I kind of knew she was bi. Or at least not straight. Well actually she’s pan but I don’t want to go into all the technicalities and whatnot soooo… One day, during exams, we were talking at lunch and I guess we somehow got into the context of sexuality and brainwashing children to be straight, I don’t know… Something about sexuality and as she was stating her view, she said mid-sentence ‘Well I’m bi so,’ and she just continued talking. When she told me I just nodded while simultaneously thinking,

 

‘YEEEEEESSSSS! I STAND A CHANCE!!! CELEBRATE GOOD TIME COME ON DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO. CELE…’

and

‘The way she just outright said it… She must be some amazing new creature that can bluntly be so open… Wow…’

 

Then afterwards, she asked me if I was okay with it. This time I was simultaneously thinking,

‘That’s more like it… No one can be that outright, especially when I know she’s a little secretive.’

and

‘No. Of course I’m not okay with it because bi is obviously another word for murderer…’ I felt like saying that second one because Phoenix is one of the few people that enjoy my sense of humour. But instead of that I said. ‘Of course!’ And sounded like the typical straight girl- ‘It’s okay that you’re semi-gay but now it’s a little awkward to be around you…’

I don’t know why you have to be seen differently because now you’re openly gay instead of closeted gay. I mean, if you think about it, that person has always been gay but you just didn’t know it. It’s not like they suddenly ‘turned’. Unless they did… Weird…

Now, back to my main point…

What exactly is my main point…?

Is there really a point in coming out at all? I’ve watched a few gay movies, most of which (I’m sorry to say) I didn’t like cause they were… just not there. Just… not all that great… But like I watched G.B.F which I thought was hilarious and I remember (what’s his name…?) the main character’s flamboyant best friend who wanted this grand dramatic coming out and whenever I hear stories about coming, I just think that nobody else really needs to know other than friends and family… Maybe not even them! I think coming out is a great way to let other gay/semi-gay people know you are available but I don’t have another good reason.

I don’t think I could ever come out cause it’s just so awkward and one of the worst reactions (other than bullying, abuse and people avoiding me etc.) is people being like ‘Okaaay?? Why are you telling me this???’ And then I’d be like, ‘I honestly don’t know…’

 

Even though I don’t see the point in coming out, I still did to a couple of my friends. Though I wasn’t like random of anything like…

Cinnamon: So hey, did you see ‘Brooklyn Nine Nine’ last night?’

Me: I LIKE GIRLS!

Cinnamon: Okaaay??? That’s nice, I guess…

 

It was more like:

Me: Hey, you know I kinda have a crush on Phoenix.

Cinnamon: Oh okay.

 

That was how I told them. So I’ve never actually ever used the word ‘I like girls.’ or ‘I’m bi.’ or anything like that.

I was gonna write about my coming out to two of my other friends but I pressed something and I lost everything I wrote.

 

Cue sad music.

 

Man, I hate that!

Maybe another time. At least that means technically I do not need to put this in dear diary.

 

This was sort of a random post but recently I’ve been addicted to Kingsley and Tyler Oakley and I’ve been watching a lot of gay YouTubers for one reason or another…

I want to be as flawless as Kingsley but I will never achieve such pure flawlessness. Cue sad music.

 

I’ll end here cause I’m still pretty pissed about typing a whole essay and just having it deleted just like that.

 

Cue Linkin Park

 

I’m hungry.

~EpicCupcake signing out.