Coming Out.

There’s something I need to tell you… I’M NOT A SQUIRREL, I’M A CHIPMUNK!!!

JK JK I kid you. I’m 100% a nut loving creature… historically of course… Hahahaha! Honestly… Where do I  come up with these jokes???

Almost like I drew this, right?

Yes. Coming out. As in proclaiming your gayness. Out loud. For the whole world to know. Gayness. Not fruitiness.

Normally when I’m retelling something or talking about myself, I put the post in the category ‘Dear Diary’ or at least I try to. Now… Notice how this isn’t in ‘Dear Diary’. Now slowly realise that no, this is not about my coming out story because I have not come out and nor do I plan to anytime soon.

But just think about it… The concept of coming out. Whenever someone comes out I always feel this profound admiration to be able to say it loud and proud. In actual fact I only happen to have on non-straight friend who actually happened to be my crush, Phoenix. Her coming out to me was quite a shock to me, even though I kind of knew she was bi. Or at least not straight. Well actually she’s pan but I don’t want to go into all the technicalities and whatnot soooo… One day, during exams, we were talking at lunch and I guess we somehow got into the context of sexuality and brainwashing children to be straight, I don’t know… Something about sexuality and as she was stating her view, she said mid-sentence ‘Well I’m bi so,’ and she just continued talking. When she told me I just nodded while simultaneously thinking,

 

‘YEEEEEESSSSS! I STAND A CHANCE!!! CELEBRATE GOOD TIME COME ON DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO. CELE…’

and

‘The way she just outright said it… She must be some amazing new creature that can bluntly be so open… Wow…’

 

Then afterwards, she asked me if I was okay with it. This time I was simultaneously thinking,

‘That’s more like it… No one can be that outright, especially when I know she’s a little secretive.’

and

‘No. Of course I’m not okay with it because bi is obviously another word for murderer…’ I felt like saying that second one because Phoenix is one of the few people that enjoy my sense of humour. But instead of that I said. ‘Of course!’ And sounded like the typical straight girl- ‘It’s okay that you’re semi-gay but now it’s a little awkward to be around you…’

I don’t know why you have to be seen differently because now you’re openly gay instead of closeted gay. I mean, if you think about it, that person has always been gay but you just didn’t know it. It’s not like they suddenly ‘turned’. Unless they did… Weird…

Now, back to my main point…

What exactly is my main point…?

Is there really a point in coming out at all? I’ve watched a few gay movies, most of which (I’m sorry to say) I didn’t like cause they were… just not there. Just… not all that great… But like I watched G.B.F which I thought was hilarious and I remember (what’s his name…?) the main character’s flamboyant best friend who wanted this grand dramatic coming out and whenever I hear stories about coming, I just think that nobody else really needs to know other than friends and family… Maybe not even them! I think coming out is a great way to let other gay/semi-gay people know you are available but I don’t have another good reason.

I don’t think I could ever come out cause it’s just so awkward and one of the worst reactions (other than bullying, abuse and people avoiding me etc.) is people being like ‘Okaaay?? Why are you telling me this???’ And then I’d be like, ‘I honestly don’t know…’

 

Even though I don’t see the point in coming out, I still did to a couple of my friends. Though I wasn’t like random of anything like…

Cinnamon: So hey, did you see ‘Brooklyn Nine Nine’ last night?’

Me: I LIKE GIRLS!

Cinnamon: Okaaay??? That’s nice, I guess…

 

It was more like:

Me: Hey, you know I kinda have a crush on Phoenix.

Cinnamon: Oh okay.

 

That was how I told them. So I’ve never actually ever used the word ‘I like girls.’ or ‘I’m bi.’ or anything like that.

I was gonna write about my coming out to two of my other friends but I pressed something and I lost everything I wrote.

 

Cue sad music.

 

Man, I hate that!

Maybe another time. At least that means technically I do not need to put this in dear diary.

 

This was sort of a random post but recently I’ve been addicted to Kingsley and Tyler Oakley and I’ve been watching a lot of gay YouTubers for one reason or another…

I want to be as flawless as Kingsley but I will never achieve such pure flawlessness. Cue sad music.

 

I’ll end here cause I’m still pretty pissed about typing a whole essay and just having it deleted just like that.

 

Cue Linkin Park

 

I’m hungry.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

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Update: Things are looking good!

超可愛い!

 

They sure are! I started school on Monday and I’ve actually been trying my best to live up to the promises I made for the new year. Like I said, I’m sick of being upset, socially awkward and shy and I want to just be happy and live my life the way I want. For Christmas, I got three notebooks from my sister, A4, A5 and A6 and with my now large collection of beautiful colourful notebooks, I’ve decided to use the A6 one (which I named the ‘Ferris’ because I’m weird enough to name notebooks…) to track my progress and to keep a little diary-like thingy. It doesn’t feel like a diary, because I don’t really go into that much detail about my emotions and stuff, only when necessary.

At the end of every day, I sit on my bed and get out the Ferris and write an entry called ‘Evaluation of Day’. I’ve given all my problems a number. 1=social anxiety, 2=health, 3=studying and 4=emotions and regrets. I write the numbers down and record all the important stuff I did today and give them points. I can tell you now, according to the Ferris, I’m doing quite well in the social anxiety section and the health section, because I’m setting new challenges for myself and I’m doing regular exercise (rather than none at all) and eating my five-a-day (I even ate a bloody fruit pot today! I normally hate fruit that aren’t apples or oranges, but I have to admit, it was kind of nice). On the other hand, on the studying section, I’m not doing so well. 6 points so far, from new years to now. Not very good, but I’m very lazy.

There’s also been another downside. I’ve been exercising as if I was back in primary school (I was very active back then), but my body isn’t used to exercise so now I’m half walking, half limping around everywhere. So, until next week, I’m only doing sit ups and maybe star jumps, if it doesn’t kill me…

But even with the limping, I think I’m heading towards a success. I was really worried about going back to school. I was worrying about ‘School Fever’ but I’ve been doing fine. My mood has been very stable over these last couple of days. Although I still find it a bit hard to look at Grace, things are close to being back to normal. It’s not so awkward between us anymore and I can tolerate sitting next to her in English. In fact, we still talk and laugh and have the whole class yell shut up at us every lesson, though I don’t feel any closer to her. It feels like the distance between us has increased a little. Although sometimes I do long for the days we were friends, it doesn’t actually bother me that much. I can sit on my own in the computer room with her and the other cackling away at each other and not feel any discomfort. I’m slowly getting over her. I don’t talk to her that much, and I don’t try to, though now I feel she talks to me more than I talk to her, she even complemented my hair even though it wasn’t anything special, and it makes me wonder… but I’m not going to over think this.

As for friends, I still feel a bit like a lone wolf, but Cinnamon is a great friend who’s always by my side and I don’t want to take advantage of that. Cinnamon is a little weird though, I’ve noticed. She seems to like it when people die in books… At the moment, she’s re-reading ‘Bec’, part of Darren Shan’s Demonata Saga. She told me she loved reading it because all the characters die, even the main character (a little confusing considering it was the fourth book out of ten books…) But she’s a nice and interesting person and I’m grateful to have her as my friend. Also, I very much appreciate weird people!

So… yeah, just a little update… I’ll end on this final note: I’m still working on my Challenge- I’m mixing it up with my evaluation thing and so far I’ve got about 23 points! But I’ve only really done basic stuff so from now on I’m going to challenge myself a little bit more. I have a mental list of the stuff I want to tick off such as calling people by their name which I am just unable to do. I always feel to shy to use someone’s name. I only want to do some sort of eye contact challenge, but I’ll save that for when I feel more confident. When I write my evaluation, I make a little list. Today, I managed to listen to music on the bus, something that absolutely scares me. I don’t know why, I guess I’m just worried that somehow other people can hear my music and make fun of me. But I was listening to Green Day anyway and no one can say anything bad about Green Day… I’m more worried about the songs I have that are in another language. Today I started listening to this Indonesian rock group called J-rock. Really confusing. I was expecting them to be Japanese, so I was a little confused when I didn’t hear any Japanese.

Okay! That’s enough for today! Thank you for spending a little time reading this post! 🙂

~EpicCupcake signing out.