From where we began

I don’t even know why I have a blog when I don’t even use it.

I’m sorry, yes I know I suck but… you’re still here so…

Well I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been quite busy. Seriously. Like now I finally have free time. I’ve finished my mock exams which I’m hoping to pass and I’ve had one university interview which I stressed over so much even though I’m not planning on going there but want to do the best in everything I do because I’m just like that.

All this and everything to do with myself and my affect on others have stressed me out and I’ve shouted and punched and swore and cried more in these last few weeks than I would 3 months. So… yeah… Actually got into a huge fight with Tori which really scarred me because it was at that moment that I realised that whatever this is- my uncontrollable emotions and irrational thoughts and my behaviour in response to those- it’s really going to put a strain on all my relationships and that scared me. Single ‘r’. I am working towards this though. I’m not just sitting around waiting for things to change when I’m the one who needs to do the changing.

Some time ago (maybe early November) my form tutor noticed something off about me one day. I didn’t tell her what was wrong because honestly I had nothing to say. I don’t think she bought it. We talked the next day and I explained some of it. I told her about my emotions and snapping at people and that painful feeling in my chest. She recommended I go see the counsellor and I just instantly said yes because I was done with myself and felt that, yes- it’s time for change.

I was terrified about seeing the counsellor. Not because on an social anxiety, but because I was worried I’d waste her time and that I wouldn’t know what to say. But it turned out I had nothing to worry about. She was really nice, honest and straightforward. She said things how they were. She didn’t judge me or anything and I felt like I could really trust her. But I think the best thing about going to see her was the fact that she was able to take the things I said, the thoughts that have been all jumbled up in my head, and sort them out and tell me what she thought and that’s really helped. I now understand why I act the way I do a lot more even if there are still gaps in the puzzle. (Puzzles, by the way, are awesome. Just saying.)

She said that some of the things I mentioned reminded her of a condition called Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome, otherwise known as PDA. It’s considered to be on the autism spectrum despite having certain contradictory aspects. I’m not saying I have PDA and neither did she, but it helped to understand more about what I was going through and what I can do to improve things. So far I haven’t got much since I only found out about this condition last week but now at least whenever I feel that feeling in my chest I know that I’m feeling anxiety about something so I try to fill my mind with rational thoughts while my rational mind is still in control to sort of calm me down. When that doesn’t work I normally isolate myself. Being around people in those situations make me more anxious. I’m going to find out more strategies for beating anxiety and hopeful I’ll be able to discuss this with the counsellor (forgive me if I’ve spelt this wrong throughout… oh, wait, I think I’ve corrected them all…) That’s all I’m going to say on that. Short and sweet. That’s the way.

I won’t bother you with details about university applications. 2 offers so far. AAB. No unconditionals :'(. Well a conditional is better than nothing so honestly I can’t complain. More interviews to come. Bleh.

About Mochi who I mentioned in my last post? I’ve got a crush on him. A bad crush but he’s so cute so you can’t blame me 😉 Phases 1 & 2 have been successfully executed (we’re friends and I’ve got his number *evil laugh*) phase 3 is now in action (whatever the heck it is)

But now on to the main part of the post.

When I think of why I started this blog, one of the reasons was the fact that I couldn’t talk, so I wrote instead. Communicating was never that easy. I don’t really know why I never talk or why I was so shy. Maybe it was just a natural thing and that I would come out of my shell eventually.

Right now I find it hard to believe that I ever thought I had social anxiety. Yes, I was very much socially awkward and yes, I didn’t speak or interact with others that much. I’m still like that now. Sort of. But now I speak a lot more and to a lot more people. I’ve somehow got past thinking that no one would want to talk to me and I feel free to talk to people when I want to.

Another thing, which may sound a little contradictory, is that I’m less afraid of being seen alone. I used to think that people would laugh at me and call me a loner. I wasn’t completely wrong, but I know that in Sixth Form, people have a lot more to think about and do than to pick on people. Being alone doesn’t make me sad or a loner. For one thing I have friends who I do hang out with often, but I’m the kind of person who enjoys solitude a lot too. Being alone lets me think and I’m a thinker so that’s kind of important to me.

I’ve always been so concerned about how people see me and it’s made me put up sort of a fake persona, in my eyes. So I’m trying to be more true to myself and only fake it for interviews and stuff ;). Just kidding. Sort of.

I’m digressing, I can tell.

The point is, I’ve changed. And I feel so far away from where I began 2/3 years ago when I started posting. My negligence in posting is probably due to having less of a need to write (as well as my laziness, I’ll admit). I feel my world is getting bigger. I’m growing up. I’m interacting with people. I feel like slowly and surely I’ve found myself in the world I could never find- if that’s makes sense. Generally, I feel a lot happier not giving into shyness and fear, and talking and participating more. I don’t so much feel like I’m on the sidelines anymore. I’m there. On the playing field or whatever. And I’m having fun! Really! I’m still quite a quiet person, but nonetheless I’m out there.

What I’m writing feels like a happy ending. It’s not. So I’m probably not going to stop blogging even though I’m spending more time out than in and socialising more. I’ve still got issues I’ve got to work out and I still don’t get people all that well but I’m getting there.

I actually feel pretty positive about the future!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

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