Definitions

I’m seriously a bad blogger. I say I want to blog more and I have the time to do it most of the time but then I just… I just get cold feet and I search desperately for what else to do. I don’t even deserve to have subscribers to be honest. To be actually honest.

But I’m grateful… to my subscribers… to actually subscribe to a messed up, contradictory, lazy person who is English but cannot sepak English to save her life and would rather spend her time singing (screaming) in Japanese and having no consideration for my neighbours… yeah.

This morning I woke up and I did normal Saturday things like eat breakfast, read a book, watch TV and do my chores- all the things I normally do till 1 o’clock when my computer comes on (damn parent control). But when I turned on my computer, I didn’t feel like doing revision, or doing my homework which is just half an exam question. I didn’t even feel like watching anime or reading manga (I know, it’s like I’m a different person!) Instead I thought about myself. I’m not vein. Or at least I don’t think I’m vein. I was just thinking about myself, everything that’s wrong with me and why I can’t make sense of any of it. If I could describe myself in one word, it would be:

‘confused’

I’m generally confused about everything. One thing about me is that recently I’ve been failing in subjects that I need to read the deeper meaning in. So, basically English. Everyone else sees something in that line of the poem or in the way George defends Lennie. I just don’t see it. Subjects like science and maths, I’m good at those because, to me, they’re straightforward. But don’t get me wrong, they are difficult subjects and quite complex, but, for the things I’m studying at the moment, the answer is always there. You can find the answer using logic. You can go back to the fundamental ideas and work your way up and then you’re like “Oh, I get it! No wonder!” I wish solving the problem of myself could be as easy.

I’ve mentioned before that BPD was, in my opinion, the closest thing to whatever the heck I think is wrong with me, but there are more than a couple flaws in my thinking.

For example, intense interpersonal relationships. I can describe any of my relationships as being intense. I’m not entirely sure what that means. And then fear of abandonment. Sure I don’t want to be alone, but I’ve never told anyone ‘don’t leave me’ and when they do leave I hardly make any effort to bring them back. I just go off on my own and feel bad about it. Or I just go off and not think about it at all. I don’t really think I’m close to anyone. I want to be and I am preoccupied thinking of plots to strengthen my relationships or let people know more about me, but in the end I don’t put them in action, or I do and they learn something and I regret it EVERY SINGLE TIME.

In fact, I’m not even sure if I care about people. I just think I’m selfish. I think that I use people to feel better about myself or give me confidence to do something I’m scared to do alone, or keep me busy or from feeling embarrassed. Perhaps I cared about Grace. No, I did care about Grace, but I don’t care about her now.

I desperately want someone to care about. I desperately want to fall in love and have a mutual relationship, but that would never work not ony because I’m too shy to even speak to a guy, but also because I can’t fall in love, because it’s not the other person I’ll love but I’ll love love only and they’ll get hurt because I won’t love them. I’ll love the idea. I’ll love the attention. I’ll love the support. I’ll love not having to be alone ,but I won’t love them and that’s selfish and horrible and also very sad. Very sad indeed. It upsets me to think about it. I don’t even want to post this because I don’t want you or whoever else is reading this to know what I’m really like.

I feel like such a bad person.

Thinking this made me research another personality- Schizoid. I thought it sort of matched me before but I dismissed it thinking that I didn’t really match the symptoms. But still, I am an introvert, I don’t care so much for the people around me but rather items I own which is such a sad and horrible thing, and I have bad, if not no, social skills. I did a test and I don’t know what it was out of but I got something like 29 points and it said that it was likely I had it, but I didn’t believe it because I’ve gotten higher scores in BPD tests and I even got a high score for OCPD which I am certain I don’t have.

So I’m back to square one. I have no idea what word describes my problems other than ‘contradictory’. I watched a 20 minute video on BPD and watched a video about a youtuber talking about being diagnosed with it and going through the symptoms and how they did and (surprisingly) didn’t apply to him. He didn’t have some of the most obvious symptoms (or so he observed), but one symptom he did have made me think, with some level of certainty, that he did indeed have borderline. Intense relationships. He showed some signs of fear of abandonment, being clingy and kind of obsessive. I don’t know much about the disorder despite the fact I’ve been obsessing over it for quite a while now (over a year, maybe?) but that kind of gave me that borderline feel.

So I’m still stuck looking for the definition of me and a word to nicely describes me without being too vague. You may be thinking why I’m so hung up finding what’s wrong with me. The truth is that I honestly don’t know. I don’t. But I know that I don’t have a choice and I have to keep searching or I’ll never move on. I’ll never sort this out. I know I should just get on with my life and stop thinking about that. I’ve tried. And I’ve failed.

Yep, this scientist won’t give up until she finds out the fundamental ideas and solves this complex and irritating problem.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Advertisements

Sitting on the Sidelines

Sometimes (maybe a lot of the time) I feel lonely. No matter who I’m with or what I do, sometimes it just hits me. I’ve been wondering and thinking and wondering and thinking why I feel this why, and recently I can up with (I want to say theory but the correct word is) hypothesis.

Maybe I feel lonely and left out because I’m pushing people away from me, deliberately, yet subtly, distancing myself from people, sitting on the sidelines and never getting involved… anything for that matter! I did a post on Borderline Personality Disorder earlier and one of the symptoms I mentioned was an unstable self image that generally comes about from adapting one’s personality to match whoever they’re talking to. I always feel that I do that and it discourages me from getting close to people so they don’t know what I’m really like.

I don’t know. I just have some crazy idea in my head that I’m a bad person and I’ve got a bad personality and if I show people what I’m like, they’ll start to hate me (like Grace) so I’m just trying to be what people want me to be but I can’t even do that right either.

I guess my shyness also plays a large role. I’m pretty much terrified of people (though it’s not like I scream whenever I go outside, haha…). Normally when I’m shy or too terrified to speak I just glue my lips shut and try not to make eye contact. This also means that when I sit at my table in my form room in the morning, I can’t even talk to my friends because their friends from other forms are there and really it’s only three of them that come in the morning but I still can’t open my mouth. I don’t know what to say. I never know what to say.

And there’s problem number 3- I don’t know how to talk. Before you say anything, yes I can indeed talk and I speak English quite well with the correct grammar etc. blah blah. But when I mean I can talk, I mean I can’t form a conversation. Firstly, what do you say first? Do you go up to someone and start randomly blabbing on about something? My likes and other people’s likes are very different. Others prefer to go out on a weekend. I can’t be bother to get off my backside. People are into movies and go to the cinema often, I don’t care that much about movies as long as anime and E4 exist. I don’t read the same book as others and I’m just so out of tune and I’ve probably said this (maybe not up to) a million times but I only say it a lot because it’s true! It’s so true and it gets on my nerves. And it’s not like I have time to research what people like and make lifts and diagrams and whatnot because I’ve got exams! Plus that’s a pretty weird thing to do, but probably effective…

I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. I just felt like moaning. I used to hate that word- ‘moan’. That’s what people used to say to me in primary school if I got annoyed or upset or started crying. Kids sure are cruel… That’s probably why I refrain from saying how I really feel or being who I really am. No, that’s exactly why. Why would anyone be themselves if people were just going to hate them in the end? That’s what I was thinking. But I’m sick of not being me. I’m just desperately searching for the person who’ll accept me for who I am and not get annoyed with my behaviour and fluctuating mood and my clingy-ness and whatever crap I like to pull on people.

~EpicCupcake signing out.