Just a life update…

… Nothing much.

So, how are you, lost traveller? Today, I’ve been feeling quite happy and what’s strange is that I’m still weirdly happy, because normally I feel like shit at the end of the day. And now that I think about it (which I really shouldn’t) I have a lot of things to be sad about.
I lost my pen, my folding 30cm and my P.E kit and I can’t get back to school till november. :/
If the school are stupid enough to throw it away then, yeah, that’s pretty serious, but hey, I’ve got a back up kit! All I need now are trainers…
The second thing, or person, is Backstabber. The other day I was pretty upset about the whole not-fitting-on-to-any-friendship-groups thing and I also felt unusual strong feelings of hate towards her so didn’t sit next to her in English. I’m not sure whether or not that was the reason she shot me death stares throughout the day but I can tell she was angry. I don’t feel guilty though; she totally embarrassed me in chemistry the other day and it really hurt. And not only that, but she also told something to my sister that I told her in confidence as if it were a light matter. That made me furious. If you ask me, she deserved whatever she’s feeling now.
Do you know what I found out today about her? My friend who’s been really supportive and nice to me, let’s call her Cinnamon because I feel that somehow suits her, told me that Backstabber came up to her and said that she won’t be her friend anymore because she’s my friend. We were really angered by this. She was practically threatening her. Cinn said  that she didn’t have the right to tell her who to be friends with and I said that regardless of whether they are friends with your so called ‘enemy’, if you’re a true friend, it wouldn’t matter. Oh well, ‘good riddance’ I say. No one needs people like that.
You know, I think that’s the reason why my friend, the other girl she hangs out with, alongside Mandy, has stopped talking to me. She doesn’t even look at me and the only way Backstabber knows her if through me and Mari (she was actually Mari’s best friend… It’s funny how things turn out, ne?) who Backstabber also disowned.
But you know the reason I’m not bothered? Why the physical manifestations (mostly shortage of breath and feelings of sickness in some cases)? It’s because I had one of those moments when you look on one of your problems and worries and think ‘was I really stressing over this…?’ I hate to say it, since I’ve been her friend for almost half a decade, but she’s kind of pathetic and I don’t mean that in an offensive way. It’s just that when I look at her sometimes, I think about a little puppy trying to get out of a box thrice it’s size and trying to do so without any help when it’s just right there, within reach.
I wasn’t just imagining it at open day, she is lonely, despite whatever airs she puts on when I’m around and she’s with Mandy laughing her head off. If I could count the number of times she glanced and stared at me and looked like she just tripped over and landed in dog poo and quickly ran out of lessons to avoid me, just today, you’d be surprised. In Spanish, I loudly called my teacher, not so Backstabber could hear me, but just so I could get my quick question answered before the controlled conditions started. I might as well have called out just to annoy,Backstabber because she was truly shooting me daggers then and I had to stop myself laughing- what I do when I feel uncomfortable, but it was kind of funny, the face she made at least.

Sometimes I wish that I could tell her that it’s her loss, but there wouldn’t be a point, she won’t learn and I doubt she will.

I feel that even though I will again feel pain about this and cry about not fitting in, I think the worst is over and that I have a nice,future to look forward to as long as I  learn the lessons that I’ve been taught in the experience.

The lessons? I’m in no position to give life lessons being the way I am, but I feel that these are very important.
The first is to never invest in one particular friendship; it doesn’t work… at all… The second is to look at your worries realistically. The third is to let things go, but remember that it takes time to heal. There’s also no point in trying to act as if you’re okay. It’s emotionally exhausting and only make it worse. It’s better to about your problems regularly and try not to hold back, but don’t overwhelm people with your problems. Overwhelming should be left for blogs and diaries. 😉

Well, I’ll just focus on my school work for now as well as my friendships. I’ll try not to worry about bs because she’s not worth the trouble. Sorry if I don’t blog for a while over these next few months; I’ll be doing my mocks soon, but down stay clear of my blog for a few months  because I will post for definite.

I’m tired now.
Goodnight.

~EpicCupcake
signing out.

Open Day!

Today I went to a college open day, the one linked to my school, and looked around. I was feeling a little nervous at first because I was originally planning to go with Backstabber (yes, I’m still calling her that) but then she… kind of… abandoned me…

So I was thinking of going with one of my other friends. I was reluctant to ask, I’m shy like that, so I opened with:

‘Are you going to the [insert college name here] college open day?’

She told me that she was and I lied and said that I wasn’t sure if my mum could take me (she indeed could) and then she told me that she was going with her parents. So then I thought,

‘Why do I feel I have to go with a friend? Why do I have to be so dependent? It was my dependence that made Backstabber’s backstabbing sting so much after all so why can’t I go on my own? (with my of course)’

So I did. And I came really late because… well that’s just how my family are…

It just so happened that my mum’s friend was going to the open day too. She has a daughter- let’s call her Sandy. Sandy’s my age and it was her who wanted to visit the college so we were all going to meet up. Normally I’d dread something like that. I’d met Sandy before but I never really spoke to her- I was too shy to utter a word. But since my friendship ended with Backstabber, I feel like I’ve been forced into coming out of my shell (whoa, deja vu…) so I’ve been quite daring though I’m sure most normal people would disagree.

When we met Sandy and her mum. I said hi like normal, attempting to make eye contact (and failing) but then I did something I would’ve never expected to ever do-

I started a conversation.

And just like that we were talking, about college, possible subjects and whatnot. I didn’t feel shy at all nor scared and I really enjoyed myself! Normally I’d just avoid talking to others because I had Backstabber, but now I felt oddly confident.

I was still shy around the second years who were stationed at the different departments (though it wasn’t just second years; I recognised some recent ex-students from my school) but I managed to talk and try and maintain eye contact.

I was even lucky to see some of my friends from school (It wasn’t really luck, I knew most students from my school were coming) and I said hi and even talked to Ann for a bit in the canteen and met her parents though I already knew her mum (she’s a teacher).

It was really funny seeing everyone’s face when I told them I was taking all sciences and maths. Their jaws literally dropped. Perhaps there’s a lot more in store for me in college than I thought… Oh well, it’s not going to change my mind. Maybe…

I even saw Backstabber today- you know, the Backstabber who seems to have a million friends and sits on a lunch table that’s fit to burst and, as well as that, she has two close friends who have replaced me. That Backstabber happened to be alone, not even with her mum or dad, and this I found strange. I expected her to be at least be with Mandy if not surrounded by her many friends. Not even a boy was accompanying her. Nope, she was by herself.

I kind of smiled when I saw her, not because I enjoyed seeing her by herself and understanding a little bit about being alone especially in a place that’s unfamiliar. In fact, that thought never came across my mind (*evil grin*) no, seriously. I smiled because at that point, it was clear. Without me, she was practically alone. I don’t really know if she can call anyone her ‘friend’. Perhaps Mandy and her other close friend, but then again she hasn’t known Mandy for a long time- not as long as she’s known me at least. She seemed kind of lost. She looks like that in school sometimes, when Mandy isn’t with her.

She always tried her best around others, I noticed. Doing crazy things to get attention and then telling people all these things and denying it later. She created this bad image of herself to get attention and it worked, but people aren’t always as they seem. They may be treating you like a goddess because you’ve kissed an adult or lost your virginity, but behind your back they call you a slut.

She knew that with me, she could be herself. I’m not sure if it was because she trusted me or because she knew how dependent and weak I am. You know, one thing people always called us was the ‘old married couple’ though not because we were so close, because we argued about pointless things (and later laughed at them) and just as I depended on her, she depended on me. But, now that I think about it, we were kind of, dare I say it, ‘lost’ when we weren’t together. We could never be ourselves. (Geez Louise, this sounds like some kind of romantic comedy…)

Now that we’re not friends anymore, she seems even more lost. This may just be because of my odd perspective, but now she seems different. Fake. Faker than she’s ever been and maybe I’m not the only one to notice. I, on the other hand, am not throwing myself at people. I’m holding back and, at the same time, trying my hardest, but not for acceptance, for true friends, rather.

Sure it means that sometimes I have to slap on a smile even if I don’t feel like it, but I’m trying to be as natural as I can. I won’t throw myself, but I won’t withdraw either. I’ll just… walk.

I’m talking (writing) weird again. Sorry if none of this made sense. It doesn’t make sense to me as I writing this, but it makes sense in my head.

This post was supposed to be about college for goodness sake!

Can you believe that Backstabber started telling my sister crap about why she stopped being my friend? Crap like ‘I’m tired of listening about atoms’. Well, Backstabber, why don’t you listen for once, so that you don’t get an E when she’s in bloody triple science?! She’s so bloody selfish, rude and arrogant and not to mention a liar, I swear. I guess everyone is a little fake, but she’s something else. I wonder where that’ll get her.

~EpicCupcake signing out.