From where we began

I don’t even know why I have a blog when I don’t even use it.

I’m sorry, yes I know I suck but… you’re still here so…

Well I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been quite busy. Seriously. Like now I finally have free time. I’ve finished my mock exams which I’m hoping to pass and I’ve had one university interview which I stressed over so much even though I’m not planning on going there but want to do the best in everything I do because I’m just like that.

All this and everything to do with myself and my affect on others have stressed me out and I’ve shouted and punched and swore and cried more in these last few weeks than I would 3 months. So… yeah… Actually got into a huge fight with Tori which really scarred me because it was at that moment that I realised that whatever this is- my uncontrollable emotions and irrational thoughts and my behaviour in response to those- it’s really going to put a strain on all my relationships and that scared me. Single ‘r’. I am working towards this though. I’m not just sitting around waiting for things to change when I’m the one who needs to do the changing.

Some time ago (maybe early November) my form tutor noticed something off about me one day. I didn’t tell her what was wrong because honestly I had nothing to say. I don’t think she bought it. We talked the next day and I explained some of it. I told her about my emotions and snapping at people and that painful feeling in my chest. She recommended I go see the counsellor and I just instantly said yes because I was done with myself and felt that, yes- it’s time for change.

I was terrified about seeing the counsellor. Not because on an social anxiety, but because I was worried I’d waste her time and that I wouldn’t know what to say. But it turned out I had nothing to worry about. She was really nice, honest and straightforward. She said things how they were. She didn’t judge me or anything and I felt like I could really trust her. But I think the best thing about going to see her was the fact that she was able to take the things I said, the thoughts that have been all jumbled up in my head, and sort them out and tell me what she thought and that’s really helped. I now understand why I act the way I do a lot more even if there are still gaps in the puzzle. (Puzzles, by the way, are awesome. Just saying.)

She said that some of the things I mentioned reminded her of a condition called Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome, otherwise known as PDA. It’s considered to be on the autism spectrum despite having certain contradictory aspects. I’m not saying I have PDA and neither did she, but it helped to understand more about what I was going through and what I can do to improve things. So far I haven’t got much since I only found out about this condition last week but now at least whenever I feel that feeling in my chest I know that I’m feeling anxiety about something so I try to fill my mind with rational thoughts while my rational mind is still in control to sort of calm me down. When that doesn’t work I normally isolate myself. Being around people in those situations make me more anxious. I’m going to find out more strategies for beating anxiety and hopeful I’ll be able to discuss this with the counsellor (forgive me if I’ve spelt this wrong throughout… oh, wait, I think I’ve corrected them all…) That’s all I’m going to say on that. Short and sweet. That’s the way.

I won’t bother you with details about university applications. 2 offers so far. AAB. No unconditionals :'(. Well a conditional is better than nothing so honestly I can’t complain. More interviews to come. Bleh.

About Mochi who I mentioned in my last post? I’ve got a crush on him. A bad crush but he’s so cute so you can’t blame me 😉 Phases 1 & 2 have been successfully executed (we’re friends and I’ve got his number *evil laugh*) phase 3 is now in action (whatever the heck it is)

But now on to the main part of the post.

When I think of why I started this blog, one of the reasons was the fact that I couldn’t talk, so I wrote instead. Communicating was never that easy. I don’t really know why I never talk or why I was so shy. Maybe it was just a natural thing and that I would come out of my shell eventually.

Right now I find it hard to believe that I ever thought I had social anxiety. Yes, I was very much socially awkward and yes, I didn’t speak or interact with others that much. I’m still like that now. Sort of. But now I speak a lot more and to a lot more people. I’ve somehow got past thinking that no one would want to talk to me and I feel free to talk to people when I want to.

Another thing, which may sound a little contradictory, is that I’m less afraid of being seen alone. I used to think that people would laugh at me and call me a loner. I wasn’t completely wrong, but I know that in Sixth Form, people have a lot more to think about and do than to pick on people. Being alone doesn’t make me sad or a loner. For one thing I have friends who I do hang out with often, but I’m the kind of person who enjoys solitude a lot too. Being alone lets me think and I’m a thinker so that’s kind of important to me.

I’ve always been so concerned about how people see me and it’s made me put up sort of a fake persona, in my eyes. So I’m trying to be more true to myself and only fake it for interviews and stuff ;). Just kidding. Sort of.

I’m digressing, I can tell.

The point is, I’ve changed. And I feel so far away from where I began 2/3 years ago when I started posting. My negligence in posting is probably due to having less of a need to write (as well as my laziness, I’ll admit). I feel my world is getting bigger. I’m growing up. I’m interacting with people. I feel like slowly and surely I’ve found myself in the world I could never find- if that’s makes sense. Generally, I feel a lot happier not giving into shyness and fear, and talking and participating more. I don’t so much feel like I’m on the sidelines anymore. I’m there. On the playing field or whatever. And I’m having fun! Really! I’m still quite a quiet person, but nonetheless I’m out there.

What I’m writing feels like a happy ending. It’s not. So I’m probably not going to stop blogging even though I’m spending more time out than in and socialising more. I’ve still got issues I’ve got to work out and I still don’t get people all that well but I’m getting there.

I actually feel pretty positive about the future!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Advertisements

Not Gonna Lie, It’s Hard Work

Wasssuuuup?

Just kidding.

Hey there, it’s been a while. I’ve been kind of avoiding writing a post for a while now. So much so that I failed to write anything for the whole of October. This is me just letting you know I’m still alive and kicking. Well that and other stuff, which I will be moving on to now,

Moving swiftly on.

So if you want to know what I’ve been up to, I’ve just been spending the last month fretting over my UCAS and, more importantly, my personal statement. My college deadly was two days ago so that will probably tell you that I’ve already shipped it off (well to my form tutor first to attach my reference and then to UCAS and then to universities!

I am suuuuper nervous and my brain keeps telling me that my personal statement isn’t good enough. I’m really really really hoping for an unconditional offer. I’m hoping my predicted grades and my AS grades will persuade them. Fingers crossed!

But that’s all I’m saying about academic stuff. I can’t keep talking about it. I don’t like college that much.

No, I want to talk about (write, er… type, rather) friendship and a certain person I happen to be friends with.

I always used to wonder why it is that I can count the number of friends I have on my fingers, or why I’ve never gone to parties and such- like house parties. It’s probably due to the fact that I’m not that invested in people. I just don’t care that much about people so I never really make an effort. This is really clear to me now. I can see it in my day to day interactions. I love being by myself. Doing activities alone rather than in pairs and not just because I’m scared I won’t have anyone to work with. I don’t care about others to the extent that I don’t even know half of the people in my class and 3/4 of people’s names. In fact, I probably know the names of about 5 people in my maths class and these people are people I’ve had classes with as well as the guy who sits next to me. It’s so bad that for the first month back I had to double check my timetable to make sure I was entering the same class each time. I did that last year too. Now I just look for certain people.

So yeah, I don’t care about people. Not that if someone was hurt or something I wouldn’t care. It’s more like, I don’t care about socialising with people. So this made me a little confused when I came to be friends with… let’s call him Mochi.

So Mochi and I work in the same charity shop- that’s how we met. He’s actually the dude I mentioned in my last post. I only realised I wrote about him before about halfway into this post so forgive me if I repeat myself. So back to the story. We’d somehow only met each other months after both him and I started working there. We both work Saturdays and I start when he finishes (I basically take over the till from him) so that’s probably why, though nowadays I always meet him before he leaves so that’s weird.

Anyway, when I met Mochi, I instantly liked him. He’s just got this nice refreshing vibe that most people don’t have. I’m not entirely sure what it was in particular that gave me that impression. Despite this, I didn’t go ahead and jump in and try to be his friend. I’m a bit reserved and I don’t really know what the protocol is for ‘jumping in and trying to be someone’s friend’ so I stuck to exchanging greetings. It was only when he started talking to me about college and we found out we were going (or about to go as this was before the school year started) to the same college. He was going to be my first kouhai of some sort but you know, I kind of wanted it to be more than that.

So I tried a little harder than I would for most people. After I was sure I wasn’t mistaking him for someone else, I began talking to him whenever I saw him. This was quite hard for me because I’m used to pretending I didn’t see someone to avoid them for reasons probably linked to my poor social skills. I still have those moments when I avoid him. I think I did it yesterday actually… Still, I’m trying harder than I normally do so it’s a start at least.

When we used to bump into each other we’d start by saying hi and then I’d sort of panic because I wouldn’t know what to say next and I wouldn’t know whether to keep walking or stop and talk which led to awkward moments of silence where I stare at him and smile awkwardly waiting to see what he’d do next. It would be suuuper awkward and I’d spend the whole day thinking about it and feeling stupid as I normally do when I make interpersonal fails.

But one day I caught him in the library and mustered up the courage to sit next to him and talk/read. This was especially hard for me because I quite frankly I don’t know what level of intimacy needs to be achieved before you can invite yourself to hang out with someone. I took a chance anyway and when I did, all I was thinking suddenly felt stupid. I mean, we’re talking about sitting next to someone and talking. We’ve talked standing up many times and once sitting down ages ago. Sorry, I feel like I have to apologise for the way I’m viewing everything. You’ve probably never met another human who thinks like this.

Even though I called Mochi my friend in the last post, I wasn’t entirely sure if we had reached the status of ‘friends’ and I didn’t want to ask him because I felt that had needy and desperate connotations- both extremely unattractive vibes. I felt like he was my, as Cloud would say, fracquaintance. And while that was all nice and good, I wasn’t really interested in gaining another fracquaintance. I wanted a friend. So I decided to get to know him a little better.

Yesterday, I caught him walking out of college with a friend and I was going to pretend I hadn’t seen him because I was feeling awkward but after a while I ended up right behind him and I had already avoided him once that day, like I said earlier, so I went and said hi. We spoke briefly but he was already talking to his friend before I can so I figured it was only polite to let them talk. I pretended to check stuff on my phone while I walked beside him. When we parted ways with his friend, I had intended to walk but Mochi was going to take the bus. Normally, I’d pick going my way alone but I decided that I’d follow Mochi since we took the same bus. He brought up a random topic which we talked about until the bus came (well, that and UCAS because that’s kind of my life now) and I sort of felt closer to him because he shared stuff about himself. It was the kind of conversation I’d have with my own friends- my closest friends- before we all became boring on account of UCAS and A levels taking over our lives.

On the bus I attempted to steer the conversation away from UCAS and more towards ourselves. I learnt a bit about him. I already knew he was an avid reader and writes like me, but I didn’t know he was working on a novel in lieu of revising for NaNoWriMo which he has promised to let me read and I will hold that against him until he lets me read it. I didn’t know he was planning on studying History in uni (but that’s sort of to do with UCAS so…) I also learnt his last name and stupidly didn’t think to tell him my own. Oddly enough, our surnames only differ by two letters. (Two extra letters on my part most probably) We talked mostly about reading and writing but I think they’re a big part of his life and I’m glad because they’re a big part of my life too. Finally, a fellow writer! If only he watched anime…

After that little bonding moment on the bus, I did generally feel closer to him and perhaps he felt the same way because I saw him this morning and he so kindly walked me to my bio lesson shielding me from the unforgiving British rain with his life saving umbrella (okay, going into story writing mode…) I think that was a particularly intimate thing- not necessarily in a romantic sense but in a friendship sort of… sense. Sorry, I didn’t know how to word that.

This whole friendship making biz is hard work for someone like me, not gonna lie. My avoidant personality makes life kinda hard but I guess if you really want it, you’ll work for it and when you get it, it really pays off. I think I can safely say Mochi and I are friends. How close we are is another story and that will take more analysis because unfortunately I’m not good at sensing those kind of things. I’ve gotten things wrong before- thinking I’m closer to someone when in truth we’re not that close so it’s like a detective game of some sort. You have to look for the clues. Let’s hope I’ll find them!

This post is all over the place. I never really started with any sort of structure in mind so I apologise for that as well. I just had to write so I wrote (typed). Unfortunately I must finish here because it’s too late to talk about ‘that other thing’ that I was going to mention. It’s pretty important in my whole ‘story’ so I will definitely mention it at some point, BUT for now, I must end here.

Er… almost forgot how to end this.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Social Anxiety: The Battle Continues

This is really cute :3

As you may or may not know, I am currently suffering from social anxiety or something similar to that I don’t know it’s not like I was diagnosed or anything…

Aaaaanyway, Since I started this blog, I think I have definitely made some progress though I’m still a long way off.

I hate the fact that I’m quiet and can’t think of anything to say. Literally the only things that come out of my mouth are puns… I ccan be so boring sometimes…

I’m still attempting to make good friendships in college. I was hoping to get close to the guy who sat next to me in chemistry but then the seating plan changed 😦 but the girl I’m sitting next to is really friendly and I get along with her, but the only thing is that she doesn’t watch anime… Oh well…

It’s getting harder and harder to speak in lessons. Every is getting so familiar to everyone else and yet I hardly know anyone’s name. My physics class is so chummy even though they met only just in September. Somehow I feel like an outcast, sitting there quietly while everyone else screeches like monkeys… Well you get what I mean…

I’m always jealous at how my other friends talk to people in their classes outside of class, while I only talk to one person. Well, one person is better than none so I shouldn’t complain.

I have no idea how to crank up the socialising… setting (?) but I think now I should just focus on my studies cause I’ve been ill for three days and all hell is going to break loose pretty soon when I find out what I must catch up on…

Arrggh! Education!

But ti’s not all bad- the social anxiety I mean. I’m not sure if I mentioned this earlier (actually I probably didn’t) but I now help out in the local primary school (local as in, to my college, not my home) and the Peanut of before would have screamed and hid in the corner. And let me tell you, when I found out I was to help out in a class by myself (not with anyone from my college) I did feel like screaming and hiding. Every pair of eyes were on me as I stepped inside and I felt so self-conscious. I mean, as well as not being good with kids, I hadn’t the first idea how I was supposed to help out.

But eventually I was like ‘Damn girl, breathe!’ and I calmed down and I helped out the kids and even talked to them. Now I’m already familiar with a few, I’m less nervous and… I found out that working with kids is kind of fun, which was a nice surprise because I signed myself up for this by accident (don’t even ask…)  I don’t know why I got so shy in the first place. Of course, I’m still shy now, just a lot lot lot less. Even when I broke into a coughing fit (asthma) I didn’t feel hot with embarrassment.

There are still odd moments like when I got lost and ended up making a fool of myself in front of the teacher next door yet again. My friend was helping out in that class and told me that the teacher asked if I was okay or something. I will never enter that class again. Ever.

Now it’s time for a new challenge. I didn’t actually think of this- my friend Tori did. We decided to set up a Chemistry society and I still don’t know what she plans to do in it, but it’s along the lines of a revision thing plus some chemistry outside our syllabus (yay!). The two of us have to present it on our own, without any teachers, in front of a whole bunch of students. This’ll be nerve-wrecking but as long as Tori’s there and as long as I don’t pee myself, I’ll be fine. I’ve got this. Yep…

And so the battle continues…

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Social Anxiety: Challenge Accepted!

Social Anxiety?

Short post! (Hopefully!)

Sorry, I’m feeling a little hyper right now.

Today I was going about with my day as normal when something struck me.

They say that the best way to confront a fear is to face it. I’m not about to fill a bucket of spiders and throw my hand inside. No, I’m going to challenge social anxiety. Now, that I’m writing (typing) this, I feel like I’m going a little crazy, but I thought about it and figured that if I expose myself to ‘social’, I’ll reduce the ‘anxiety’.

So I’ve decided to do one thing every week that I would normally never do because I’m too scared to do it. Small things though. Perhaps say something to someone I wouldn’t normally open my mouth around. And to make sure I don’t get bored of it, I’ll give it a points system, like the CBT depression app thingy has. I don’t know what it is that makes points so appealing… The more daring, the more points- that’s how it’ll work.

And I guess it doesn’t have to be exclusively limited to talking to people. I could give myself a point for doing something in public I wouldn’t do or not having a panic attack if I see a spider. The other day I even dared to take a picture of the sky. Yeah, I know it’s not much of an accomplishment, but it’s something I’m scared of doing. Lame, I know.

It feels a little far-fetched though. I don’t believe that this little experiment/challenge will cure me. It probably won’t, but I think it’ll make a good start.

I’ll think of something to do tomorrow. I really hope this works because my social anxiety, or whatever this is, really bugs me and stops me from being… well, me!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Well, that’s one hurdle…

Miss backstabber hasn’t said a word to me other than ‘can I borrow your pen?’ And a very dull ‘thanks’. It’s hard to not think about her, how she hurt me and wondering if she’ll one day apologise or act like this never happened. I know, or at least believe that that’ll never happen and to be honest, it’s best that it doesn’t.
But I’m trying my best to forget about her by not speaking to her or acknowledging her for at least a month. After that, I’ll decide whether I want to be her friend or not.
In the meantime, I’ve downloaded a little ‘helper’ to help me cope with the pain of being let down and the anxiety to socialize because, let’s face it, I’m pretty much alone now except for a couple or friends. Backstabber is hanging out with the rest of my friends so it’s kind of awkward. Her and Mandy seem like besties now. I hate it when Mandy looks at me, now that I know what she thinks about me (I can’t even sit anywhere near her for the fear of being judged. She has this snobby look and it’s really horrible.

I’m going off topic.

So recently I downloaded this app called SAM (self-help anxiety management) that was recommended by another WordPress user ages ago. I couldn’t download it at that time because I had a blackberry, but my sister gave me her old HTC so I’m using that now.

I’ve only had it for a day so I can’t say it made a profound difference to my life, but it does actually help. It helps me calm down if I feel stressed, anxious if upset and gives information and a means of managing your anxiety. I know SAM isn’t magic and it won’t transform me overnight or even in a month if I don’t make an effort. It’s me who has to make the difference; SAM is only helping me do that.

I love all of the activities especially the calm breathing one and this picture one but the best has to be the one where you type a thought and then explode it. You won’t believe how many times I typed in backstabber’s name (just once, I’m not that weird)

As I’ve mentioned earlier, I totally messed up my GCSE ensemble piece- it was a disgrace- and I was supposed to do it tomorrow but my music teacher moved it to today. I was a bit nervous but after exploding ‘piano failure’ I felt that I could do it. My teacher took a while before she was ready to record me, but this was good; it gave me enough time to get accustomed to the keys. I could play it well without making mistakes, I realised. It was only the fear that was holding me back. So I did some of the exercises/activities on SAM and practised some more before miss came back. As sure got the recording device ready and sat next to me on the stool, I felt my the tension rising. Hearing her say ‘This is Peanut playing her GCSE ensemble piece.’ I felt like sinking into the earth and nece coming out. Then I has to begin. It started off okay, but then I started to feel the pressure. I wasn’t even midway in the piece when my heart started pounded furiously in my chest. All I could feel was the impending doom coming my way. But then after a horrifying minute or so, I smashed the last keys on the piano, producing my final chord.

It was finished.

Done.

Complete.

I would never have to play the beautiful yet wretched piece again… That is, until my music teacher increased the volume of the piano and said ‘now let’s do it again of full volume so we can hear the dynamics properly.
I begged her and begged her not to make me play it again. It was after school. I wanted to go home. I was still trembling from the last time but in the end I gave in. I still had the original so it couldn’t hurt to try again to aim for better marks.

The second time was better because I made an effort with the dynamics but I did make a tiny mistake that was hardly noticeable though I knew my teacher would notice. I played a note a little longer then a should have and I guess only people familiar with the piece would notice… And probably an examiner. Oh well. My heart had pounded the same way the first time, but in addition to that, my leg was shaking violently and I PRAYED that my teacher wouldn’t notice; it was SO embarrassing!

My teacher had to leave to continue with auditions for, what I thought to be, RnB band and I stayed in that room for a good ten minutes trying to get my leg to stop shaking. I did some more activities on SAM and felt better. Now I’m not shaking so much!

So in the end I wasn’t able to overcome my anxiety from playing that particular piece, but at least I was able to play it through without any major disasters… or crying. So that’s something!
Now it’s back to homework sweet homework so I’ve got to go and explode some more thoughts.

Until then!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Social Anxiety: Fed up

Forget revision- I’m sick of it…

After having a good cry in my room, I decided that this would be the perfect time to write a post…

So…

Yeah…

This is a little awkward…

Well, basically I’m just fed up, as the title states, because of my inability to socialise. This feeling arose as I was hanging out with my long time primary school friends. (which is quite ironic in a way…) We went to this place near central London to ice skate. It was fun. I mean, sure, I fell over a number of times, but at the end, I felt like all the professional (except from the fact that they were all doing all these fancy tricks and stuff)

But really it was after the ice skating, when we sat down and relaxed in the park, when I started to feel fed up with myself. My friends started talking about parties and boys and exciting experiences they had. They talked about their other friends and their friendship groups. They starting to talk about movies, music and tv shows, and being the lame person that I am, I couldn’t contribute anything to the conversations except useless crap and in the time that I was silent, I began to think about myself and- brace yourself, this will be lame- how I don’t really fit into any friendship group, have I’ve never been to parties, how I’ve never talked to boy, how I clam up when I’m near one, how I’ve never flirted with a boy, how I don’t leave my house often, how lame I am, how non-epic my social life is, how I can’t even make eye contact, how invisible I am, how not interesting I am, and how this list can go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon…

So this is the conclusion of the thoughts:

I. AM. LAME.

There’s no doubt about it. Don’t try and tell me otherwise like my friends did. You will be wasting your time.

I want to be different, so I thought about some of the things I want to achieve:

  1. Make more friends.
  2. Try not to look scary.
  3. Befriend boys.
  4. Join a club/group and meet new people.
  5. Get a boyfriend.
  6. Try not to depend on Grace.
  7. Get out of my house more often.
  8. Stop being such an otaku.
  9. Be a person that people listen to and like to be around.

But of course there are a few problems:

  1. Make more friends.  I have a limited number of friends so it will be hard to make friends with my friends’ friends. Also, I’m shy and socially awkward and scared of meeting new people.
  2. Try not to look scary. I have a scary and pissed off default expression
  3. Befriend boys. Boys make me nervous.
  4. Join a club/group and meet new people.
  5. Get a boyfriend. Boys make me nervous. Also, I am an unpleasant person. Also, I have no guy friends.
  6. Try not to depend on Grace. She’s the only close friend I have at school.
  7. Get out of my house more often. Why? People are scary. Plus, I’m lazy. Plus, I’m an otaku so it fits my nature.
  8. Stop being such an otaku. I love manga, anime, J-Dramas, Doujinshi, Yaoi etc.
  9. Be a person that people listen to and like to be around. I’m socially awkward, I don’t talk, I’m quite unpleasant, I’m boring, some people may believe I have anger management problems, I find people scary and I’m invisible, so that might just be impossible.

See the problem(s) I have?

A lot of the time, I believe I have some form of social anxiety, though I’ve never been diagnosed with it, nor do I believe what ever this is affects my life that much. Still, I don’t believe it’s not a bit problem. My inability to socialise haunts my thoughts daily and sometimes gets me into these depressive states which I just had earlier. And, I know this may be sad, but I have looked up how to overcome social awkwardness/anxiety/phobia and this question almost always appears.

Identify the reason of your fear

And I’m llike:

There’s a reason?

You see, I’ve never thought about a reason. Some reasons are like, ‘you are scared of saying/doing something embarrassing.’ and yeah, I am afraid of that, but is that really the reason I can’t talk to new people or any people at all or even make eye contact? I don’t know. I don’t know why! Is it just like my arachnophobia? A fear with no reason. Or maybe I just fear socialising itself? But that’s not it. I can socialise with my friends.

Or maybe I’m scared about not being accepted.

Maybe I’m scared about being left alone.

Maybe I’m scared about being invisible.

Maybe it’s because I strongly believe that people don’t like me and that’s why I don’t talk to them.

Or maybe it’s because I’m scared of being noticed and then picked on. I’m scared about revealing much about myself and being who I truly want to be due to a childhood trauma.

Maybe it’s all those things…

That’s a lot of ‘maybe’s.

I don’t know what it is, but once I find out what it is, I’ll be sure to do something about it, but for now, I’ll try:

  1. To smile more.
  2. To be nicer.
  3. To do more exercise (i won’t do this)
  4. To go for walks.
  5. To go out more with my primary school friends and other friends.
  6. To not look at the ground so much.
  7. To say hi to people more.
  8. To appear friendly.

Baby steps, my friend, baby steps…

I have to end this post; my brother is trying to eat me. No joke.

~EpicCupcake signing out.