Agony Cupcake: Trying to fit in

I’m just gonna blab here…

In high school, you are with the  same people for five whole bloody years (I’m talking about the England, guys) and that means you want to have a good reputation so that people like you and won’t ignore you or bully you. Naturally, most teens are tempted by the delicious satisfaction of being accepted to they go to great lengths to make this happen. This means they:

  • Try to buy hip designer clothes
  • Listen to the latest songs
  • Start b*tchin about others
  • Start smoking/taking drugs (never saw it in my school though…)
  • Other things that I can’t remember

Now I used to try to keep up with the times and become a person that everybody liked. Now, I’m not a very social person and I like to spend most of my time reading manga, but nevertheless, I was pulled in to this bizarre craze because I didn’t start high school in a good way. I began to change myself and I didn’t even realise it.

Back in primary school I was a very sensitive person (still am) and I probably angry a lot. If someone made me angry, I told them and I wasn’t afraid to express my feelings . I was pretty straight forward, though I was a little shy. Of course, this meant that not many people liked me. In high school, I did care about my classmates but not really that much, but all of a sudden, their acceptance was all I longed for- to be one of them; to fit in.

I stopped expressing my feelings so much and held them in. I tried my best to only reveal others the good side of myself and to hide my true self in the shadows cast by my false new image. People accepted me, or so I thought.

I was living a delusion. I though I was accepted, one of them, but after a few years I realised I was wrong. I have a good friend, Grace- Grace Grassland- and we’re besties. We’d spend pretty much every moment of the day together, but whenever she was absent (which was rare because she had excellent attendance), I realised that I wasn’t ‘friends’ with everybody as I thought. I became to become the quiet, shy girlonce again.

At the same time, I realised that people were ignoring me, forgetting me as if I didn’t exist. And if that wasn’t enough, I found out that people had been bitching about me behind my back and saying that I’m cold, rude and that I always look pissed off but seriously, that’s just how my face is.

Normal FaceThis is how I look all the time.

Then things went wrong. I lost it and got angry at everything and shouted at everything and cried at everything and laughed at everything and I had no idea why. I threw things across the room and started ripping paper for no reason. I started saying things like:

Nobody loves me.

I’ll always be alone.

What’s wrong with me?

I was never happy.

Who am I?

I knew I wasn’t the person who was always cheerful- who always loved being with others etc. etc. Due to my fudged-up memory, I have no idea who ‘I’ am.

Maybe I’m just looking to far into things. Maybe that’s why I’m thinking in this strange way. Maybe…

Sorry for blabbing. But seriously, take my advice- always be yourself. Don’t try to ‘fit in’. What is ‘in’ anyway. It doesn’t mean everyone likes you. It probably means people are still b*tching about you, but instead of saying to your face, they say it behind your back.

I’ve had enough of ‘fitting in’. I’ve had enough of pretending that everyone likes me. I’ve had enough of trying to make others like me. They won’t like you unless they truely want to.

I want to be myself and you should too because that’s what makes you made you. That makes you real.

I’m sorry if this post seems all over the place. I guess that’s just how I feel inside.

Enough sadness, more epicness

Read book (yaoi)Let’s read some YAOI!

~EpicCupcake signing out.