Sitting on the Sidelines

Sometimes (maybe a lot of the time) I feel lonely. No matter who I’m with or what I do, sometimes it just hits me. I’ve been wondering and thinking and wondering and thinking why I feel this why, and recently I can up with (I want to say theory but the correct word is) hypothesis.

Maybe I feel lonely and left out because I’m pushing people away from me, deliberately, yet subtly, distancing myself from people, sitting on the sidelines and never getting involved… anything for that matter! I did a post on Borderline Personality Disorder earlier and one of the symptoms I mentioned was an unstable self image that generally comes about from adapting one’s personality to match whoever they’re talking to. I always feel that I do that and it discourages me from getting close to people so they don’t know what I’m really like.

I don’t know. I just have some crazy idea in my head that I’m a bad person and I’ve got a bad personality and if I show people what I’m like, they’ll start to hate me (like Grace) so I’m just trying to be what people want me to be but I can’t even do that right either.

I guess my shyness also plays a large role. I’m pretty much terrified of people (though it’s not like I scream whenever I go outside, haha…). Normally when I’m shy or too terrified to speak I just glue my lips shut and try not to make eye contact. This also means that when I sit at my table in my form room in the morning, I can’t even talk to my friends because their friends from other forms are there and really it’s only three of them that come in the morning but I still can’t open my mouth. I don’t know what to say. I never know what to say.

And there’s problem number 3- I don’t know how to talk. Before you say anything, yes I can indeed talk and I speak English quite well with the correct grammar etc. blah blah. But when I mean I can talk, I mean I can’t form a conversation. Firstly, what do you say first? Do you go up to someone and start randomly blabbing on about something? My likes and other people’s likes are very different. Others prefer to go out on a weekend. I can’t be bother to get off my backside. People are into movies and go to the cinema often, I don’t care that much about movies as long as anime and E4 exist. I don’t read the same book as others and I’m just so out of tune and I’ve probably said this (maybe not up to) a million times but I only say it a lot because it’s true! It’s so true and it gets on my nerves. And it’s not like I have time to research what people like and make lifts and diagrams and whatnot because I’ve got exams! Plus that’s a pretty weird thing to do, but probably effective…

I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. I just felt like moaning. I used to hate that word- ‘moan’. That’s what people used to say to me in primary school if I got annoyed or upset or started crying. Kids sure are cruel… That’s probably why I refrain from saying how I really feel or being who I really am. No, that’s exactly why. Why would anyone be themselves if people were just going to hate them in the end? That’s what I was thinking. But I’m sick of not being me. I’m just desperately searching for the person who’ll accept me for who I am and not get annoyed with my behaviour and fluctuating mood and my clingy-ness and whatever crap I like to pull on people.

~EpicCupcake signing out.