A Thought: Failure

My New Year Resolutions are proving to be tough, though the year only just started. As I though, I’ve already started to try and eat more vegetables and stuff and I did star jumps and sit ups yesterday, but I’m not really making progress on my social anxiety (if it is social anxiety, whatever this is…). I went out today to visit a family friend and for the whole time I was there, I didn’t speak to anyone except to say if I could have juice and what are my plans for the future etc. I pretty much just sat there.

I know it’s only the second of January and I shouldn’t really be worrying about this now, but not long ago my mum forced me to vacuum the house and as soon as I touched the vacuum cleaner, it broke. Just like that. I fixed it with some tape and it was fine to use but I got really mad, nonetheless and as I vacuumed, I rammed it into the wall repeatedly. I was angry because I break everything I touch. Of all the phones I’ve had, I’ve either smashed them or they’ve gone missing, all within a year of having them. I’ve never had a phone for more than a year. And they break in the most ridiculous ways. When I started high school, my dad got me my first phone. I smashed it with the car door when it accidentally fell out of my bag as I shut the door. My mum gave me her old phone to use. I lost it.The next phone my dad bought, I dropped it in a park in Italy. It had a crack in the screen and I was seriously confused. A crack from falling in a park. Well… okay, the park had, like, stones so that might be why… I think then I got my mum’s old blackberry. I stepped on it with my boots. I never normally wear anything with heals, but than day I happened to be wearing them… Just my luck… I got my sister’s old blackberry afterwards, and although to this day I haven’t broken it, my sister did. That’s my horrible history with phones. And it’s not just phones. I break everything…

So after vowing that I’d change myself this year, I did something that my old self would have always done. Suddenly, I thought, ‘This is a sign. My year’s going to be horrible.’ And I even convinced myself that I wouldn’t be able to talk and I would never make friends etc. etc. I just imagined myself in college, all by myself, feeling miserable everyday.

And while I was thinking of all this, there was a voice inside of my head that was like, ‘Hey! Slow down, a sec!’ I didn’t want to listen and kept wallowing in my self-pity and conjuring up all these scenarios. My dad came home after I finished vacuuming and he asked me what was wrong. I told him about the vacuum cleaner. Afterwards he asked me, ‘So, did the vacuum cleaner hurt you?’. My dad’s sense of humour is truly something else, but he made a good point and after I came back up, I took a moment to calm down and think logically, like a true scientist. The voice took over and showed me how irrational I was being. I broke one tiny piece of plastic and all of a sudden the earth below me will open up and I’ll be dragged to the furthest corner of hell to whinge and moan for all eternity. Stupid, right?

Breaking things isn’t good, but at least it showed me that I am starting to get better to the point where I can recognise my irrational thinking. As far as I’m concerned, that’s an accomplishment, not a failure.

And even so, we can’t be perfectionists. We can’t expect everything to go 100% well just because you are determined and then crash and burn when it’s only 99% or less. As they say, ‘Practice makes perfect.’ so practice means there’s got to be some obstacle along the way that’s guaranteed to make you fail at least once or twice.

So a new challenge: I’m going to try to stay positive. Staying positive keeps your passion burning. It makes you determined to achieve your goal. But first thing’s first, I’ve got to accept failure as a part of success. There will be times when I won’t talk, or when I’ll skip a meal or too or even overeat. There will be times when I’ll remember things from the past that belong in the past. As long as I stay positive and stay clear of irrational thinking, I’ll be okay. 🙂

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Sayonara, the me of 2013. Make way for 2014!

What will you change?

What will you change?

I’m kind of excited for the new year… but that excitement will end when I get back to school. Ugh… Sorry, I just keep complaining.

But really, I want to make things right. for years I’ve been the same inflexible, annoying, aloof, contradictory person and I really, seriously, want to change. I’ve been having this little battle with myself. One side wants to open the door to new things and the other wants to keep it shut. But I know I can’t stay the way I am so I’m determined to do it.

One thing I want to eliminate is my fear of socialising. I think it’s a little out of hand that now phones are my worst enemy. This will probably be the hardest, but I’ve got to try because college is coming by sooner than I expected. I mean, I allow my eyes to wonder of the clock for a moment in year 5 five and then suddenly BOOM! I’m in high school. I’ve probably wrote this a million times before, but I cannot for my life talk or be around boys. If it’s only one or two and they seem friendly, I’m a little shy but I’ll talk. Shove me in a large group, collection, gathering, sea of boys and then we have a problem.

I’ve been doing more research lately and I’ve got some idea of stuff I have to change. My body language is one thing. I have to smile more (though, believe it or not, some say that I smile too much…) and I have to be less stiff. I did some indian dancing for my school’s international evening in year 8 and I reckon that my movements were smooth and fluid, I think. A month or so ago, I went to my neighbour’s baby shower and every came to the middle and did this dance and I was stiffer than a robot. It was sooooo embarrassing. I feel like crying thinking about it… :/

I also have to learn to be able to start and sustain conversation. I’m probably the world’s worst conversationalist and when people talk to me, all the get from it is awkward silence. Exactly the reason I don’t getting the bus with people I’m not familiar with. I only have random crap to talk about and science and anime/manga. In that way, you could say that I’m not that interesting – at least when it comes to movies, tv shows, music, relationships and… just about everything else… I’m going to try to speak to those I sit next to more. I’ve got to have conversations outside of my head rather than inside my head. I’ve got to open my mouth even if it kills me! Actually, it would be pointless if it killed me…

Then comes the easier stuff. I’m aiming to become healthier. I know I said this earlier and I’ve actually stopped being healthy since a few weeks ago… But it’s good that I kept it up that long so I think it can’t get any worse, it’ll probably get better! In 2014 I want to grow out my hair, have nice skin and probably lose a few pounds around my thighs so I can wear my favourite jeans again! I’ll probably do none of those things but, to start with, I’ll start to go on random walks on saturdays. Normally I’d just stay in and read manga but this holiday, I’ve read everything readable and now I’m dead bored.

In January, I’m going to get the results of my mocks in this scary big envelope and I’m kind of worried. That’s why, in 2014, I’m going to take my revision more seriously and invent cool new ways to revise so it doesn’t bore me to death. My exams are in 6 months and believe me, that time will come quicker than you expect.

And in addition to the ‘new’ me, if it ever shows up… (or exists), I will let go the things that hold me back. Regrets, Sorrow and all that fudge, I’ll tie it to a firework and watch them explode into a million pieces. Now, I have a lot of regrets. That gigantic water balloon I planned to throw on my sister that I drop on the floor by the computer and ended up soaking not only the study but also myself. The lame way I acted when I was auditioning for ‘Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old’ because I was shy. Shouting ‘I’M HUNGRY’ and continuously complaining once on holiday and being filmed (my family all laugh at me when they watch it, but I was young at foolish). Drinking sprite after eating spicy rice a number of times. I’ve done a lot of foolish things, though from the top of my head, I can think of two regrets that have troubled me alot. One of them troubled me over a couple of years, the other… well you know the whole Grace situation though, it’s a little complicated than that. But I’ll end the year with them and start the new year without them. They’ll stay in the past because that’s where they belong. And I won’t look back.

So! A summary?

  1. Overcome social phobia and be more like a teenager! Maybe make new friends? Learn the ways of the sociable. I’ll aim for 100 points on the challenge (16 so far)
  2. Improve my health and wear my jeans again
  3. Study well and in an odd and creative way. A board game? I like games so…
  4. Let go of my regrets. Explode them and throw the remains up and watch them flutter down like confetti doing a little victory dance! Yes!

And a penalty if I don’t do any of these.

  1. A whole week without manga/anime (I’ve done it once… it’s was absolutely, positively horrible…)
  2. 50 push up for everything I don’t do
  3. 5 slaps for ever push up I don’t do

That’s what I’ll do this time next year if I fail to keep this promise. (I’ll start 2015 with bloody cheeks…)

And you too! Any new year resolutions? Set a brutal punishment for yourself next new years like… no internet for a month. Actually, no, that could kill someone… I’d rather do the push ups. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re probably not as lazy and inflexible as me…

Happy New Year for when midnight strikes! Odds are that I’ll be counting down along with you and playing animal crossings. Or screaming as my brother pulls my hair or attempts to eat my forehead… That made me laugh… Okay! Enough for this post! I don’t need to take anymore of your time. Thanks for reading!

~EpicCupcake signing out. (for the last time the year!)

Social Anxiety: How to be normal

I’m finally free!!!!

My mock exams are over and now I can procrastinate full-time!! Until after Christmas when I have to continue revising and doing stuff for the science department. But let’s wait till then to talk about that. Now onto my main point.

Last night I had a conversation with my mum after watching ‘Miranda’ which is officially one of my favourite shows. I said to her that ‘I don’t get people.’ She then gave me an odd look and then asked me if it was about Grace. Then I tried my best to explain what I meant.

And what I meant was exactly that. I don’t get people… at all… I mean, firstly, eye contact. What the heck is that? What are the so-called ‘rules’? When you enter a room, where do you look? When you talk to someone, where do you look? If you pass a stranger on the street, where do you look? When your seating opposite someone on the bus, where do you look?

The Science Behind Being NORMAL

I’m pretty sure that I’ve looked up on Google at some point in my life ‘How to be normal’, because I recall reading something about the rules of eye contact. It said: don’t avoid all eye contact.

‘Fair enough.’

Then it said, don’t make direct eye contact.

‘Fai- Wait… Hold on a minute…’

Lastly, it said something about making  2/3 eye contact and I thought:

‘How does that even work???’

I concluded that it must mean that if you’re talking to someone for 3 minutes, you mus make eye contact for 2 minutes and avoid it for 1 minute. I told my mum about it and she agreed, though I think she just did it to get me to shut up. She was pretty tired and kept dosing off until I nudged her in the side. I didn’t really believe in the whole 2/3 thing, but it made a bit of sense if you break the 2 miniutes and 1 minute up like they say you can do for exercise so I could make eye contact for 2 seconds, then avoid it for 1 and then complete the cycle. Trouble is, that’ll take quite a bit of concentration and I already find it a little difficult to concentrate on what people say without getting lost in my thoughts.

Really, what I do is look at someone’s eyes for a few seconds and then look at their nose or something. That doesn’t work well if they’ve got something in their nose. It just makes me want to laugh. And after bursting out with laughter at the french assistant yesterday, I don’t feel like laughing at anyone. That’s a funny story, I might tell it another time if I’m bored.

And then there’s walking into rooms, one of the things that scare me the most. Whenever I enter my form room in the morning, I always look at the clock which probably makes it look like I can’t stand to look at anyone else’s faces. I probably have this facial expression that makes me look stuck up. I know some people used to think I was like that and I used to have no idea why. My default face probably did that. And my reluctance to speak.

But seriously, where do you look? At someone’s face? At the floor? I can’t look at the floor and making eye contact with someone who doesn’t seem to be smiling or saying ‘hi’ makes me nervous and I kind of fidget and I automatically look away.

Sometimes I think it’s because I think to much. But if I don’t over think, then I’m not Peanut. I’m able to sense danger because I over think. I’m able to apply my scientific knowledge because I over think. I’m able generate awesome story ideas because I over think! I always over think. I even over think about over thinking! Isn’t that what I’m doing now?

Okay. Solution. Don’t over think only when it comes to people I know. Well, easier said then done, but I’ll look into social protocols and tips and stuff and see if I can actually get at least 50 points on my challenge. I’m on 14 points at the moment. Sucks to be me.

But really, if I look at this post’s title ‘how to be normal’, I don’t really want to be normal. Not completely normal at least. Just a little bit more so I can communicate with other human beings. Once I achieve that, who cares about normal?! Weird is wonderful and exciting and I have no intention of surrendering to General Normal. (Hey, see what I did there? I said general and normal… Well at least I found it funny…)

I’ll try my best!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

I Don’t Want To Grow Up!

Hello!

I am so sorry that I haven’t actually made a written post like this in a while. It’s the same excuse- homework, revision, procrastination… But to be honest, I sort of lost it yesterday.

Finally part of the full stress of GCSE has hit me and my mock exams are in two weeks, starting with my spanish orals. How lucky am I? Yesterday I blew off work completely, after my calculator starting acting up, and went all out relaxing… until reality came rushing back after my shockwave flash crashed 2nd time in a row while I was playing poptropica. And before you say anything, I am not too old to play poptropica! Just as I’m not too old to watch Spongebob Squarepants (though I haven’t watched it these last few months…). And besides, poptropica has these new sound effects and a new island called Virus Hunter or something so I was basically revising biology.

I was worried when it crashed for the second because I was pretty annoyed, and I knew how pissed off I could get if I lose repeatedly in poptropica, so I decided to close it down, get some books and start my revision again. But, of course, I distracted myself with something I like to call ‘manga surfing’ which doesn’t involve using a manga as a surf board (I just kidding you; you knew that already 😉 ), but actually involves looking up manga and I found this one about cooking and-

Let’s stay on the topic.

So anyways, I was manga surfing and watching TV so it took me even longer to work than it normally does and I was hardly paying attention to my work and just felt like slacking off again.

But then the TV spoke to me.

I was watching Popgirl because there was nothing good on and ‘Life With Derek’ came on. In the episode it looked like some super important exam was coming up and Casey (or however you spell her name) was doing full on non-stop revision and Derek was procrastinating. (Sounds familiar…) Then Derek had a vision or a premonition of what his life would be like if he did badly on the exams.I didn’t actually get it, but I could tell it was bad.

So then I panicked a little and when I panic, I procrastinate and I continued to read manga whilst pretending to do a maths paper.

That night, I stayed up till about 1 or 2 am reading ‘Crescendo’, the second book of ‘Hush Hush’ to avoid sleeping, waking up and going to school, and when I finally put the book, I started obsessing over a question in the maths paper. It was probably easy and I already put an answer, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. This morning I woke up (late) and not long after 20 minutes or so, I burst into tears. Thinking of exams, revision, homework and time  management- it was all too much!

My mum heard me crying and talked to me and she helped me make some changes to manage my time better and keep focused on my work. One of those changes was to go to the library after school which I didn’t do because I hadn’t told anyone and I didn’t bring my normal revision stuff. My dad made my mood worse though, and when he heard about what I was crying about, he blamed it all on me saying that I have time for manga “and other rubbish” but not for my studies and I went to school feeling as I normally did on Monday mornings- angry… pathetic…

But then after crying a bit more and getting advice from people at school, I ended up coming home with a half grin on my face (not full. I’d never grin in public on my own) whilst thinking about my brother and his kicking. He opens door now, by the way, so I have to be always on guard. But, long story short, I cool with my dad now, I’ve de-cluttered my room and, in the process, part of my brain so I think I’m ready to start serious revision! But maybe I’ll also clean my locker- that’s a whole other story…

*Sigh…* Sometimes I wish I’ll stay a kid forever or at least be whisked away to some fictional land, where they don’t have GCSEs, on a magical adventure filled with hard-core action with swords and everything and a beautiful romance with a happily ever after.

I need to get my head out of the clouds.

As for my challenge, I think I’ve earned a good 7 points already. 5 for getting off my lazy bottom to buy a present for Cloud’s birthday (In case you’re wondering, I got her a necklace). It was the first time I’d ever gone out to a shopping center by myself on weekday and boy was it nerve-wrecking! I splashed on some subtle make to camouflage myself- I had to ‘blend in’, and quickly went around the shops in search of a gift. Let me tell you, going shopping on your own isn’t fun, especially when you get cornered by random people from Green Peace or guys trying to sell their album and make their name in the world. I was forced to talk to that guy for a good few minutes before I could escape.

The other two points were for greeting people in my church choir (which I recently joined) even though I felt like punching myself instead. They’re nice people who don’t laugh at me when I drop all my little sheet on the floor every week, but it’s just hard not to be nervous, especially when you’re me…

That’s going to be my main challenge of the week- greeting people. I’ll make a little counter thingy to take note of my points. That’s 7 so far! Not much, but a good start!

I’ll finish this post here, but maybe next time I’ll talk about my friend Phoenix because I find her really interesting. Or maybe I talk about something completely different. Well, you’ll just have to find out next time.

Again, sorry for the late post. Don’t be surprised if I don’t write a post again till the weekend, but I’ll try to post something before then. If I don’t… then I’ll give you a muffin. Is chocolate okay? 😉 Till next time.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Social Anxiety: Challenge Accepted!

Social Anxiety?

Short post! (Hopefully!)

Sorry, I’m feeling a little hyper right now.

Today I was going about with my day as normal when something struck me.

They say that the best way to confront a fear is to face it. I’m not about to fill a bucket of spiders and throw my hand inside. No, I’m going to challenge social anxiety. Now, that I’m writing (typing) this, I feel like I’m going a little crazy, but I thought about it and figured that if I expose myself to ‘social’, I’ll reduce the ‘anxiety’.

So I’ve decided to do one thing every week that I would normally never do because I’m too scared to do it. Small things though. Perhaps say something to someone I wouldn’t normally open my mouth around. And to make sure I don’t get bored of it, I’ll give it a points system, like the CBT depression app thingy has. I don’t know what it is that makes points so appealing… The more daring, the more points- that’s how it’ll work.

And I guess it doesn’t have to be exclusively limited to talking to people. I could give myself a point for doing something in public I wouldn’t do or not having a panic attack if I see a spider. The other day I even dared to take a picture of the sky. Yeah, I know it’s not much of an accomplishment, but it’s something I’m scared of doing. Lame, I know.

It feels a little far-fetched though. I don’t believe that this little experiment/challenge will cure me. It probably won’t, but I think it’ll make a good start.

I’ll think of something to do tomorrow. I really hope this works because my social anxiety, or whatever this is, really bugs me and stops me from being… well, me!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

It feels like forever since…

…I last made a post.

…I was Grace’s friend.

…I could actually open my mouth and talk when I felt like talking.

Thoughts

I’m sorry that I haven’t actually posted anything, or even been on WordPress at all, since some days ago. Maybe you might not realise it, but I do and I feel a bit guilty since I said that I’d post regularly… But I swear, this time I wasn’t procrastinating! I was actually doing homework, revising and being plagued by problems constantly.

It feels like my bad luck is striking me again. That day I made that post (‘A Thought:…’ Was it?) I was experiencing my bad luck’s evil works. The darn buses were failing me. When I was coming out of school that day, I just missed this bus and when I checked the bus times, it said the next one was in 10 or 20 minutes and there was no way on earth I was waiting that long in the cold. So I waited for another bus at another bus stop that was coming fairly soon… but it was full and the bus driver closed the door on this old lady when she was trying to go in. How sad… Buses are just cruel.

In addition to that, I’ve lost a number of things:

  • Four pens
  • One pen lid
  • My 30cm ruler that folds in half (I loved that ruler)
  • My oyster card (Just when I about to get on the bus)
  • My prefect badge (Spent a whole lunch time looking for it on the street and was almost late back to school)
  • My P.E. kit and other stuff.

Now, I found most of these things though they caused me trouble to find. My prefect badge was the worst because I realised it was missing after I had my P.E. lesson at the leisure center so I panicked. It could’ve been anywhere! My friend Cinnamon helped me look for it though which was nice of her (Grace wouldn’t have done that for me *puffs out cheeks*) What made it worse was that as we were walking back, we realised we were walking a different way from before so the badge could’ve been on the other side of the road but we could cross to check because we only had 5 minutes to get back to school and at that point we already needed 10! We got back on time, though (a cover teacher took the register)

I found it in the end… in my SCHOOL BAG.

But enough about losing things. I’m more worried about other things. Like friends for example. I know that I should be 100000000 times grateful for my friends, but I can’t help but feel lonely, like I don’t fit in. I want to become part of their ‘official’ friendship group, but I don’t know them that well, and they don’t know me. It’ll be kind of hard. I sometimes feel jealous of Grace, how she has that perfect friendship group that I used to have… with her and my friend who refuses to step into school at all. I’m a lone wolf now and although I don’t like it, I’ll have to live with it. I’ve got my life so I have to live it and leave pain behind because it’ll only hinder me…

…that’s why I spoke to Grace for the first time in a month on Thursday. I just said hi with this goofy smile on my face and she responded with that same goofy smile, as if nothing had happened, as if we were still friends. Of course it got awkward when we had nothing to speak about, so I said ‘see ya in English!’ and went to buy some juice for the lunch that I didn’t eat because I was looking for that bloody badge.

That moment kind of gave me hope. Hope that one day, we’d become friends again- best friends- and that our friendship would always last. But I read too much fiction. This is reality, and it’s a lot harder to predict what will happen in the future based on one moment. I knew that Grace had moved on, and I have too. We can’t get stuck in the past because I know how it’ll end up (and this actually contradicts what I said earlier but I know that nothing good can come out of that).

I decided that I didn’t want to be Grace’s best friend, but that I’d settle for just a friend or acquaintance because it’s better that way. I don’t want us to be enemies anymore. I don’t want it to be awkward between us anymore and I know that to move on, we can’t avoid each other so we have to get along in a way that doesn’t hold us back.

At first I was a little skeptical that my little plan/idea would work, because she never really came out and talked to me after that (I only talked to her once after that), but (and I know this sounds stupid) yesterday she asked me for my rubber casually. She actually turned around and addressed me and I was glad that finally the air has become less suffocating around us. Maybe we’ll start talking again. Maybe we won’t. But at least we’re slowly moving on.

One funny thing I just realised was that was how our friendship started in the first place. Not that she asked me for a rubber, rather I asked her for some scissors… and kept asking over and over because I was too lazy to buy my own. Funny way to start a friendship.

Apart from my problems with bad luck, feeling lonely and Grace (I miss calling her Backstabber, the name kind of grew on me. But I promised I’d stop after a month so…), I’m still dealing with my unstable emotions and my social anxiety.

I think my music teacher is starting to notice my strange behaviour: how I sometimes stare right at a teacher (her included), and sometimes I can’t hold someone’s gaze for very long and end up looking down after 2 seconds, and how I always seem to not to be able to see people when I’m walking out of school. Maybe I’m being a little paranoid (I am) but I think recently she’s been paying more attention to me, saying hi to me when I see her in the canteen or when I’m walking out of school looking at the opposite direction to were she was walking, pretending I never saw her in the first place. I think she knows that I’m shy. No, perhaps more than shy because I know a lot of shy people who seem outgoing compared to me.

I wonder why I do that. I wonder why I can’t hold people’s gazes and look away embarrassed and then feel like punching myself for looking away so obviously. I wonder why I always see people but pretend that I never saw them in the first place. I’m very observant, you know. Well, most of the time. And why do I hold people’s gaze for so long with a straight face? I do this to my french teacher almost all the time. Why on earth do I do that?!

But I guess my shyness isn’t so bad. I’m pushing myself to talk to people who sit next to me and I think it’s working because I feel more comfortable than I did before. This doesn’t mean that I have the confidence to actually hold a conversation (or their gaze for that matter) but I’m getting there!

I’m really worried about my speaking exams though. I was lucky during my spanish one, because even though my mind went blank, I had practised it so much that it just flew out of my mouth. I got an A* for that and I’m proud of myself. During my french, on the other hand, I was extremely nervous because I had to learn it during exam week in year 10, my french teach was pissed because I missed the time I was supposed to do the speaking (I just didn’t go), and being alone with my french teacher was nerve-wrecking in itself…  I managed to speak it with as much fluency as I could muster, but I spoiled it when I shouted ‘NO!’ when I mixed up a certain word. I realised it was a stupid thing to do because the word I said fit the sentence perfectly. I got an A. I almost cried because I was expecting my grade to drop seriously with the stupid ‘NO!’.

This year I’m more worried because I felt that my other speaking were just a stroke of luck and… I’m not having any luck at all (except bad luck). But for me it’s not so much the remembering part that I need to worry about. It’s my nerves. Before my spanish last year, I spent the time most people used to practise to calm myself down and breathe. It didn’t work; my heart raced and my mind went blank as my teacher said ‘GCSE’.

Just as I was lucky with my speaking, I was lucky with my music solo. But my music ensemble went terribly and I fear that the same will happen for my speaking exams this December. I already feel overloaded with revision and my piano exam and with my science prefect board that I feel like exploding. That might be why my mood has been acting up. One day I’m fine, the next day I’m fed up and then I’m just upset and then I’m happy. I’m not enjoying being a teenager.

The science prefect board, by the way, is a board for the science prefects to write about any subject in science or stick up posters and whatnot. The science teachers have told us to write stuff about the environment and I was not happy about that. I wanted to go into quantum physics! I wanted to do this cool poster called ‘How to Make an Atom!’ and write it like a recipe. Okay, it was a lot cooler in my head.

We decided to divide the board into chemistry, biology and physics and I was put in charge of chem. I wanted to do physics and write about radiation and go into detail and explain alpha, beta and gamma radiation and talk about the bosons that actually caused this but no… I was stuck with chemistry. But I like chemistry, I really do, but all I could think of that was about the environment was greenhouse gases and acid rain, and I really didn’t want to write about them.

But then I was struck with an idea. I could go into significant detail about global warming and explain how the structure of greenhouse gases caused the greenhouse effect. Bad idea… I found out that it was a bit complicated and I had to read a few other sources to gather the basic understandings. And then I thought, if it took me a while to understand it, how would a ks3 student or even a ks4 student or even the triple science class understand it? I already had the basic understandings of things like electronegativity and chemical polarity and I still don’t understand some of it!

But them I thought, some people don’t question things like I do, so if I explained it as simply as I could whilst still going into detail, no one would really care.

Who even looks at that board anyway? (Actually, it might be a lot of people because there like four clases that wait in the corridor with that board)

Honestly, it would’ve been easier if I did the atom thing. It’s easy to explain and easier to understand.

Enough about science though.

I started reading this book called ‘Hush Hush’ and it’s actually really good. I thought it wouldn’t be, because my sister has read it. I never trust anything my sister reads because I feel that our interests are different. To my surprise, they’re quite similar. I wasn’t quite sure that I’d like it, but I was desperate to read something because I had just finished ‘Slither’s Tale’ and I wondered how long it would be till I read the next book ‘Alice’. I can’t wait! But I was foolish to start a book series. I was planning to read something as I reserved and waited for the book ‘The Fault in Our Stars’. Which Cinnamon recommended. She also said that Hush Hush was really good so now I have faith in the book. I totally trust Cinn’s choice. She’s actually reading Les Misérables at the moment which like 1200 pages long (it’s massive) and she let me read a small passage that talked about consciousness and it was just so poetic and I loved it. I wanted to read the book, but it’s way too long. I don”t think I could carry that around with me. But today I watched the movie, which was actually a musical. It was a great story and I loved it despite the fact that my sister was talking and complaining all through it. I hate watching things with her…

I haven’t read a lot of it, so despite what any says, my favourite part of Hush Hush has to be the beginning, when Chauncey was like ‘I AM THE DUC DU LANGEAIS!!! But I do like the part with Patch and Nora.

Speaking about stories, I recently started this challenge called NANOWRIMO which I think stands for ‘National Novel Writing Month’. I was lucky to catch it earlier  on this month because you had to write a novel (50,000 words) in 30 days and submit it at least one minute before the 1st of December. I started it but never finished; I have my GSCE exams in December and I can’t afford to write. It hurts though, I love writing stories and I was determined to write this novel, but I don’t have the time so I’m going to have to leave it. Maybe next time. Hopefully they’ll be something that’s happening this summer. I’ll be starting afresh in August next year so I don’t have to worry about studying or revising. I can just focus on reading, writing, making songs, watching/reading anime/manga, sleeping, watching movies and possibly learning Japanese. I only know the basics and I really want to learn how to speak it at least, but I need to continue learning my verbs.

This post is really long so I’ll stop here. I also need to revise again because I didn’t do any yesterday because I was occupied with my ideas for the chem section. I’m soooooo tired. I could fall asleep right now…

Oh, one last thing! Cloud’s birthday is coming up and I don’t know what to get her! I considered asking her but I didn’t for two reasons:

  1. I think gifts should be more of a surprise
  2. She’d tell me ‘Anything is fine!’

So if you know what I could give to a sixteen year old girl, PLEASE tell me. I know it’s weird, but I don’t know what most girls like. I just want notebooks… seriously (I got three last Christmas 🙂 )

But, wow, Cloud is going to be 16. I swear in America you can drive at sixteen. I can’t imagine Cloud driving; that’d be too weird…

Okay, now I’m done.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Open Day!

Today I went to a college open day, the one linked to my school, and looked around. I was feeling a little nervous at first because I was originally planning to go with Backstabber (yes, I’m still calling her that) but then she… kind of… abandoned me…

So I was thinking of going with one of my other friends. I was reluctant to ask, I’m shy like that, so I opened with:

‘Are you going to the [insert college name here] college open day?’

She told me that she was and I lied and said that I wasn’t sure if my mum could take me (she indeed could) and then she told me that she was going with her parents. So then I thought,

‘Why do I feel I have to go with a friend? Why do I have to be so dependent? It was my dependence that made Backstabber’s backstabbing sting so much after all so why can’t I go on my own? (with my of course)’

So I did. And I came really late because… well that’s just how my family are…

It just so happened that my mum’s friend was going to the open day too. She has a daughter- let’s call her Sandy. Sandy’s my age and it was her who wanted to visit the college so we were all going to meet up. Normally I’d dread something like that. I’d met Sandy before but I never really spoke to her- I was too shy to utter a word. But since my friendship ended with Backstabber, I feel like I’ve been forced into coming out of my shell (whoa, deja vu…) so I’ve been quite daring though I’m sure most normal people would disagree.

When we met Sandy and her mum. I said hi like normal, attempting to make eye contact (and failing) but then I did something I would’ve never expected to ever do-

I started a conversation.

And just like that we were talking, about college, possible subjects and whatnot. I didn’t feel shy at all nor scared and I really enjoyed myself! Normally I’d just avoid talking to others because I had Backstabber, but now I felt oddly confident.

I was still shy around the second years who were stationed at the different departments (though it wasn’t just second years; I recognised some recent ex-students from my school) but I managed to talk and try and maintain eye contact.

I was even lucky to see some of my friends from school (It wasn’t really luck, I knew most students from my school were coming) and I said hi and even talked to Ann for a bit in the canteen and met her parents though I already knew her mum (she’s a teacher).

It was really funny seeing everyone’s face when I told them I was taking all sciences and maths. Their jaws literally dropped. Perhaps there’s a lot more in store for me in college than I thought… Oh well, it’s not going to change my mind. Maybe…

I even saw Backstabber today- you know, the Backstabber who seems to have a million friends and sits on a lunch table that’s fit to burst and, as well as that, she has two close friends who have replaced me. That Backstabber happened to be alone, not even with her mum or dad, and this I found strange. I expected her to be at least be with Mandy if not surrounded by her many friends. Not even a boy was accompanying her. Nope, she was by herself.

I kind of smiled when I saw her, not because I enjoyed seeing her by herself and understanding a little bit about being alone especially in a place that’s unfamiliar. In fact, that thought never came across my mind (*evil grin*) no, seriously. I smiled because at that point, it was clear. Without me, she was practically alone. I don’t really know if she can call anyone her ‘friend’. Perhaps Mandy and her other close friend, but then again she hasn’t known Mandy for a long time- not as long as she’s known me at least. She seemed kind of lost. She looks like that in school sometimes, when Mandy isn’t with her.

She always tried her best around others, I noticed. Doing crazy things to get attention and then telling people all these things and denying it later. She created this bad image of herself to get attention and it worked, but people aren’t always as they seem. They may be treating you like a goddess because you’ve kissed an adult or lost your virginity, but behind your back they call you a slut.

She knew that with me, she could be herself. I’m not sure if it was because she trusted me or because she knew how dependent and weak I am. You know, one thing people always called us was the ‘old married couple’ though not because we were so close, because we argued about pointless things (and later laughed at them) and just as I depended on her, she depended on me. But, now that I think about it, we were kind of, dare I say it, ‘lost’ when we weren’t together. We could never be ourselves. (Geez Louise, this sounds like some kind of romantic comedy…)

Now that we’re not friends anymore, she seems even more lost. This may just be because of my odd perspective, but now she seems different. Fake. Faker than she’s ever been and maybe I’m not the only one to notice. I, on the other hand, am not throwing myself at people. I’m holding back and, at the same time, trying my hardest, but not for acceptance, for true friends, rather.

Sure it means that sometimes I have to slap on a smile even if I don’t feel like it, but I’m trying to be as natural as I can. I won’t throw myself, but I won’t withdraw either. I’ll just… walk.

I’m talking (writing) weird again. Sorry if none of this made sense. It doesn’t make sense to me as I writing this, but it makes sense in my head.

This post was supposed to be about college for goodness sake!

Can you believe that Backstabber started telling my sister crap about why she stopped being my friend? Crap like ‘I’m tired of listening about atoms’. Well, Backstabber, why don’t you listen for once, so that you don’t get an E when she’s in bloody triple science?! She’s so bloody selfish, rude and arrogant and not to mention a liar, I swear. I guess everyone is a little fake, but she’s something else. I wonder where that’ll get her.

~EpicCupcake signing out.