I Don’t Want To Grow Up!

Hello!

I am so sorry that I haven’t actually made a written post like this in a while. It’s the same excuse- homework, revision, procrastination… But to be honest, I sort of lost it yesterday.

Finally part of the full stress of GCSE has hit me and my mock exams are in two weeks, starting with my spanish orals. How lucky am I? Yesterday I blew off work completely, after my calculator starting acting up, and went all out relaxing… until reality came rushing back after my shockwave flash crashed 2nd time in a row while I was playing poptropica. And before you say anything, I am not too old to play poptropica! Just as I’m not too old to watch Spongebob Squarepants (though I haven’t watched it these last few months…). And besides, poptropica has these new sound effects and a new island called Virus Hunter or something so I was basically revising biology.

I was worried when it crashed for the second because I was pretty annoyed, and I knew how pissed off I could get if I lose repeatedly in poptropica, so I decided to close it down, get some books and start my revision again. But, of course, I distracted myself with something I like to call ‘manga surfing’ which doesn’t involve using a manga as a surf board (I just kidding you; you knew that already 😉 ), but actually involves looking up manga and I found this one about cooking and-

Let’s stay on the topic.

So anyways, I was manga surfing and watching TV so it took me even longer to work than it normally does and I was hardly paying attention to my work and just felt like slacking off again.

But then the TV spoke to me.

I was watching Popgirl because there was nothing good on and ‘Life With Derek’ came on. In the episode it looked like some super important exam was coming up and Casey (or however you spell her name) was doing full on non-stop revision and Derek was procrastinating. (Sounds familiar…) Then Derek had a vision or a premonition of what his life would be like if he did badly on the exams.I didn’t actually get it, but I could tell it was bad.

So then I panicked a little and when I panic, I procrastinate and I continued to read manga whilst pretending to do a maths paper.

That night, I stayed up till about 1 or 2 am reading ‘Crescendo’, the second book of ‘Hush Hush’ to avoid sleeping, waking up and going to school, and when I finally put the book, I started obsessing over a question in the maths paper. It was probably easy and I already put an answer, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. This morning I woke up (late) and not long after 20 minutes or so, I burst into tears. Thinking of exams, revision, homework and time  management- it was all too much!

My mum heard me crying and talked to me and she helped me make some changes to manage my time better and keep focused on my work. One of those changes was to go to the library after school which I didn’t do because I hadn’t told anyone and I didn’t bring my normal revision stuff. My dad made my mood worse though, and when he heard about what I was crying about, he blamed it all on me saying that I have time for manga “and other rubbish” but not for my studies and I went to school feeling as I normally did on Monday mornings- angry… pathetic…

But then after crying a bit more and getting advice from people at school, I ended up coming home with a half grin on my face (not full. I’d never grin in public on my own) whilst thinking about my brother and his kicking. He opens door now, by the way, so I have to be always on guard. But, long story short, I cool with my dad now, I’ve de-cluttered my room and, in the process, part of my brain so I think I’m ready to start serious revision! But maybe I’ll also clean my locker- that’s a whole other story…

*Sigh…* Sometimes I wish I’ll stay a kid forever or at least be whisked away to some fictional land, where they don’t have GCSEs, on a magical adventure filled with hard-core action with swords and everything and a beautiful romance with a happily ever after.

I need to get my head out of the clouds.

As for my challenge, I think I’ve earned a good 7 points already. 5 for getting off my lazy bottom to buy a present for Cloud’s birthday (In case you’re wondering, I got her a necklace). It was the first time I’d ever gone out to a shopping center by myself on weekday and boy was it nerve-wrecking! I splashed on some subtle make to camouflage myself- I had to ‘blend in’, and quickly went around the shops in search of a gift. Let me tell you, going shopping on your own isn’t fun, especially when you get cornered by random people from Green Peace or guys trying to sell their album and make their name in the world. I was forced to talk to that guy for a good few minutes before I could escape.

The other two points were for greeting people in my church choir (which I recently joined) even though I felt like punching myself instead. They’re nice people who don’t laugh at me when I drop all my little sheet on the floor every week, but it’s just hard not to be nervous, especially when you’re me…

That’s going to be my main challenge of the week- greeting people. I’ll make a little counter thingy to take note of my points. That’s 7 so far! Not much, but a good start!

I’ll finish this post here, but maybe next time I’ll talk about my friend Phoenix because I find her really interesting. Or maybe I talk about something completely different. Well, you’ll just have to find out next time.

Again, sorry for the late post. Don’t be surprised if I don’t write a post again till the weekend, but I’ll try to post something before then. If I don’t… then I’ll give you a muffin. Is chocolate okay? 😉 Till next time.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Social Anxiety: Challenge Accepted!

Social Anxiety?

Short post! (Hopefully!)

Sorry, I’m feeling a little hyper right now.

Today I was going about with my day as normal when something struck me.

They say that the best way to confront a fear is to face it. I’m not about to fill a bucket of spiders and throw my hand inside. No, I’m going to challenge social anxiety. Now, that I’m writing (typing) this, I feel like I’m going a little crazy, but I thought about it and figured that if I expose myself to ‘social’, I’ll reduce the ‘anxiety’.

So I’ve decided to do one thing every week that I would normally never do because I’m too scared to do it. Small things though. Perhaps say something to someone I wouldn’t normally open my mouth around. And to make sure I don’t get bored of it, I’ll give it a points system, like the CBT depression app thingy has. I don’t know what it is that makes points so appealing… The more daring, the more points- that’s how it’ll work.

And I guess it doesn’t have to be exclusively limited to talking to people. I could give myself a point for doing something in public I wouldn’t do or not having a panic attack if I see a spider. The other day I even dared to take a picture of the sky. Yeah, I know it’s not much of an accomplishment, but it’s something I’m scared of doing. Lame, I know.

It feels a little far-fetched though. I don’t believe that this little experiment/challenge will cure me. It probably won’t, but I think it’ll make a good start.

I’ll think of something to do tomorrow. I really hope this works because my social anxiety, or whatever this is, really bugs me and stops me from being… well, me!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

It feels like forever since…

…I last made a post.

…I was Grace’s friend.

…I could actually open my mouth and talk when I felt like talking.

Thoughts

I’m sorry that I haven’t actually posted anything, or even been on WordPress at all, since some days ago. Maybe you might not realise it, but I do and I feel a bit guilty since I said that I’d post regularly… But I swear, this time I wasn’t procrastinating! I was actually doing homework, revising and being plagued by problems constantly.

It feels like my bad luck is striking me again. That day I made that post (‘A Thought:…’ Was it?) I was experiencing my bad luck’s evil works. The darn buses were failing me. When I was coming out of school that day, I just missed this bus and when I checked the bus times, it said the next one was in 10 or 20 minutes and there was no way on earth I was waiting that long in the cold. So I waited for another bus at another bus stop that was coming fairly soon… but it was full and the bus driver closed the door on this old lady when she was trying to go in. How sad… Buses are just cruel.

In addition to that, I’ve lost a number of things:

  • Four pens
  • One pen lid
  • My 30cm ruler that folds in half (I loved that ruler)
  • My oyster card (Just when I about to get on the bus)
  • My prefect badge (Spent a whole lunch time looking for it on the street and was almost late back to school)
  • My P.E. kit and other stuff.

Now, I found most of these things though they caused me trouble to find. My prefect badge was the worst because I realised it was missing after I had my P.E. lesson at the leisure center so I panicked. It could’ve been anywhere! My friend Cinnamon helped me look for it though which was nice of her (Grace wouldn’t have done that for me *puffs out cheeks*) What made it worse was that as we were walking back, we realised we were walking a different way from before so the badge could’ve been on the other side of the road but we could cross to check because we only had 5 minutes to get back to school and at that point we already needed 10! We got back on time, though (a cover teacher took the register)

I found it in the end… in my SCHOOL BAG.

But enough about losing things. I’m more worried about other things. Like friends for example. I know that I should be 100000000 times grateful for my friends, but I can’t help but feel lonely, like I don’t fit in. I want to become part of their ‘official’ friendship group, but I don’t know them that well, and they don’t know me. It’ll be kind of hard. I sometimes feel jealous of Grace, how she has that perfect friendship group that I used to have… with her and my friend who refuses to step into school at all. I’m a lone wolf now and although I don’t like it, I’ll have to live with it. I’ve got my life so I have to live it and leave pain behind because it’ll only hinder me…

…that’s why I spoke to Grace for the first time in a month on Thursday. I just said hi with this goofy smile on my face and she responded with that same goofy smile, as if nothing had happened, as if we were still friends. Of course it got awkward when we had nothing to speak about, so I said ‘see ya in English!’ and went to buy some juice for the lunch that I didn’t eat because I was looking for that bloody badge.

That moment kind of gave me hope. Hope that one day, we’d become friends again- best friends- and that our friendship would always last. But I read too much fiction. This is reality, and it’s a lot harder to predict what will happen in the future based on one moment. I knew that Grace had moved on, and I have too. We can’t get stuck in the past because I know how it’ll end up (and this actually contradicts what I said earlier but I know that nothing good can come out of that).

I decided that I didn’t want to be Grace’s best friend, but that I’d settle for just a friend or acquaintance because it’s better that way. I don’t want us to be enemies anymore. I don’t want it to be awkward between us anymore and I know that to move on, we can’t avoid each other so we have to get along in a way that doesn’t hold us back.

At first I was a little skeptical that my little plan/idea would work, because she never really came out and talked to me after that (I only talked to her once after that), but (and I know this sounds stupid) yesterday she asked me for my rubber casually. She actually turned around and addressed me and I was glad that finally the air has become less suffocating around us. Maybe we’ll start talking again. Maybe we won’t. But at least we’re slowly moving on.

One funny thing I just realised was that was how our friendship started in the first place. Not that she asked me for a rubber, rather I asked her for some scissors… and kept asking over and over because I was too lazy to buy my own. Funny way to start a friendship.

Apart from my problems with bad luck, feeling lonely and Grace (I miss calling her Backstabber, the name kind of grew on me. But I promised I’d stop after a month so…), I’m still dealing with my unstable emotions and my social anxiety.

I think my music teacher is starting to notice my strange behaviour: how I sometimes stare right at a teacher (her included), and sometimes I can’t hold someone’s gaze for very long and end up looking down after 2 seconds, and how I always seem to not to be able to see people when I’m walking out of school. Maybe I’m being a little paranoid (I am) but I think recently she’s been paying more attention to me, saying hi to me when I see her in the canteen or when I’m walking out of school looking at the opposite direction to were she was walking, pretending I never saw her in the first place. I think she knows that I’m shy. No, perhaps more than shy because I know a lot of shy people who seem outgoing compared to me.

I wonder why I do that. I wonder why I can’t hold people’s gazes and look away embarrassed and then feel like punching myself for looking away so obviously. I wonder why I always see people but pretend that I never saw them in the first place. I’m very observant, you know. Well, most of the time. And why do I hold people’s gaze for so long with a straight face? I do this to my french teacher almost all the time. Why on earth do I do that?!

But I guess my shyness isn’t so bad. I’m pushing myself to talk to people who sit next to me and I think it’s working because I feel more comfortable than I did before. This doesn’t mean that I have the confidence to actually hold a conversation (or their gaze for that matter) but I’m getting there!

I’m really worried about my speaking exams though. I was lucky during my spanish one, because even though my mind went blank, I had practised it so much that it just flew out of my mouth. I got an A* for that and I’m proud of myself. During my french, on the other hand, I was extremely nervous because I had to learn it during exam week in year 10, my french teach was pissed because I missed the time I was supposed to do the speaking (I just didn’t go), and being alone with my french teacher was nerve-wrecking in itself…  I managed to speak it with as much fluency as I could muster, but I spoiled it when I shouted ‘NO!’ when I mixed up a certain word. I realised it was a stupid thing to do because the word I said fit the sentence perfectly. I got an A. I almost cried because I was expecting my grade to drop seriously with the stupid ‘NO!’.

This year I’m more worried because I felt that my other speaking were just a stroke of luck and… I’m not having any luck at all (except bad luck). But for me it’s not so much the remembering part that I need to worry about. It’s my nerves. Before my spanish last year, I spent the time most people used to practise to calm myself down and breathe. It didn’t work; my heart raced and my mind went blank as my teacher said ‘GCSE’.

Just as I was lucky with my speaking, I was lucky with my music solo. But my music ensemble went terribly and I fear that the same will happen for my speaking exams this December. I already feel overloaded with revision and my piano exam and with my science prefect board that I feel like exploding. That might be why my mood has been acting up. One day I’m fine, the next day I’m fed up and then I’m just upset and then I’m happy. I’m not enjoying being a teenager.

The science prefect board, by the way, is a board for the science prefects to write about any subject in science or stick up posters and whatnot. The science teachers have told us to write stuff about the environment and I was not happy about that. I wanted to go into quantum physics! I wanted to do this cool poster called ‘How to Make an Atom!’ and write it like a recipe. Okay, it was a lot cooler in my head.

We decided to divide the board into chemistry, biology and physics and I was put in charge of chem. I wanted to do physics and write about radiation and go into detail and explain alpha, beta and gamma radiation and talk about the bosons that actually caused this but no… I was stuck with chemistry. But I like chemistry, I really do, but all I could think of that was about the environment was greenhouse gases and acid rain, and I really didn’t want to write about them.

But then I was struck with an idea. I could go into significant detail about global warming and explain how the structure of greenhouse gases caused the greenhouse effect. Bad idea… I found out that it was a bit complicated and I had to read a few other sources to gather the basic understandings. And then I thought, if it took me a while to understand it, how would a ks3 student or even a ks4 student or even the triple science class understand it? I already had the basic understandings of things like electronegativity and chemical polarity and I still don’t understand some of it!

But them I thought, some people don’t question things like I do, so if I explained it as simply as I could whilst still going into detail, no one would really care.

Who even looks at that board anyway? (Actually, it might be a lot of people because there like four clases that wait in the corridor with that board)

Honestly, it would’ve been easier if I did the atom thing. It’s easy to explain and easier to understand.

Enough about science though.

I started reading this book called ‘Hush Hush’ and it’s actually really good. I thought it wouldn’t be, because my sister has read it. I never trust anything my sister reads because I feel that our interests are different. To my surprise, they’re quite similar. I wasn’t quite sure that I’d like it, but I was desperate to read something because I had just finished ‘Slither’s Tale’ and I wondered how long it would be till I read the next book ‘Alice’. I can’t wait! But I was foolish to start a book series. I was planning to read something as I reserved and waited for the book ‘The Fault in Our Stars’. Which Cinnamon recommended. She also said that Hush Hush was really good so now I have faith in the book. I totally trust Cinn’s choice. She’s actually reading Les Misérables at the moment which like 1200 pages long (it’s massive) and she let me read a small passage that talked about consciousness and it was just so poetic and I loved it. I wanted to read the book, but it’s way too long. I don”t think I could carry that around with me. But today I watched the movie, which was actually a musical. It was a great story and I loved it despite the fact that my sister was talking and complaining all through it. I hate watching things with her…

I haven’t read a lot of it, so despite what any says, my favourite part of Hush Hush has to be the beginning, when Chauncey was like ‘I AM THE DUC DU LANGEAIS!!! But I do like the part with Patch and Nora.

Speaking about stories, I recently started this challenge called NANOWRIMO which I think stands for ‘National Novel Writing Month’. I was lucky to catch it earlier  on this month because you had to write a novel (50,000 words) in 30 days and submit it at least one minute before the 1st of December. I started it but never finished; I have my GSCE exams in December and I can’t afford to write. It hurts though, I love writing stories and I was determined to write this novel, but I don’t have the time so I’m going to have to leave it. Maybe next time. Hopefully they’ll be something that’s happening this summer. I’ll be starting afresh in August next year so I don’t have to worry about studying or revising. I can just focus on reading, writing, making songs, watching/reading anime/manga, sleeping, watching movies and possibly learning Japanese. I only know the basics and I really want to learn how to speak it at least, but I need to continue learning my verbs.

This post is really long so I’ll stop here. I also need to revise again because I didn’t do any yesterday because I was occupied with my ideas for the chem section. I’m soooooo tired. I could fall asleep right now…

Oh, one last thing! Cloud’s birthday is coming up and I don’t know what to get her! I considered asking her but I didn’t for two reasons:

  1. I think gifts should be more of a surprise
  2. She’d tell me ‘Anything is fine!’

So if you know what I could give to a sixteen year old girl, PLEASE tell me. I know it’s weird, but I don’t know what most girls like. I just want notebooks… seriously (I got three last Christmas 🙂 )

But, wow, Cloud is going to be 16. I swear in America you can drive at sixteen. I can’t imagine Cloud driving; that’d be too weird…

Okay, now I’m done.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Open Day!

Today I went to a college open day, the one linked to my school, and looked around. I was feeling a little nervous at first because I was originally planning to go with Backstabber (yes, I’m still calling her that) but then she… kind of… abandoned me…

So I was thinking of going with one of my other friends. I was reluctant to ask, I’m shy like that, so I opened with:

‘Are you going to the [insert college name here] college open day?’

She told me that she was and I lied and said that I wasn’t sure if my mum could take me (she indeed could) and then she told me that she was going with her parents. So then I thought,

‘Why do I feel I have to go with a friend? Why do I have to be so dependent? It was my dependence that made Backstabber’s backstabbing sting so much after all so why can’t I go on my own? (with my of course)’

So I did. And I came really late because… well that’s just how my family are…

It just so happened that my mum’s friend was going to the open day too. She has a daughter- let’s call her Sandy. Sandy’s my age and it was her who wanted to visit the college so we were all going to meet up. Normally I’d dread something like that. I’d met Sandy before but I never really spoke to her- I was too shy to utter a word. But since my friendship ended with Backstabber, I feel like I’ve been forced into coming out of my shell (whoa, deja vu…) so I’ve been quite daring though I’m sure most normal people would disagree.

When we met Sandy and her mum. I said hi like normal, attempting to make eye contact (and failing) but then I did something I would’ve never expected to ever do-

I started a conversation.

And just like that we were talking, about college, possible subjects and whatnot. I didn’t feel shy at all nor scared and I really enjoyed myself! Normally I’d just avoid talking to others because I had Backstabber, but now I felt oddly confident.

I was still shy around the second years who were stationed at the different departments (though it wasn’t just second years; I recognised some recent ex-students from my school) but I managed to talk and try and maintain eye contact.

I was even lucky to see some of my friends from school (It wasn’t really luck, I knew most students from my school were coming) and I said hi and even talked to Ann for a bit in the canteen and met her parents though I already knew her mum (she’s a teacher).

It was really funny seeing everyone’s face when I told them I was taking all sciences and maths. Their jaws literally dropped. Perhaps there’s a lot more in store for me in college than I thought… Oh well, it’s not going to change my mind. Maybe…

I even saw Backstabber today- you know, the Backstabber who seems to have a million friends and sits on a lunch table that’s fit to burst and, as well as that, she has two close friends who have replaced me. That Backstabber happened to be alone, not even with her mum or dad, and this I found strange. I expected her to be at least be with Mandy if not surrounded by her many friends. Not even a boy was accompanying her. Nope, she was by herself.

I kind of smiled when I saw her, not because I enjoyed seeing her by herself and understanding a little bit about being alone especially in a place that’s unfamiliar. In fact, that thought never came across my mind (*evil grin*) no, seriously. I smiled because at that point, it was clear. Without me, she was practically alone. I don’t really know if she can call anyone her ‘friend’. Perhaps Mandy and her other close friend, but then again she hasn’t known Mandy for a long time- not as long as she’s known me at least. She seemed kind of lost. She looks like that in school sometimes, when Mandy isn’t with her.

She always tried her best around others, I noticed. Doing crazy things to get attention and then telling people all these things and denying it later. She created this bad image of herself to get attention and it worked, but people aren’t always as they seem. They may be treating you like a goddess because you’ve kissed an adult or lost your virginity, but behind your back they call you a slut.

She knew that with me, she could be herself. I’m not sure if it was because she trusted me or because she knew how dependent and weak I am. You know, one thing people always called us was the ‘old married couple’ though not because we were so close, because we argued about pointless things (and later laughed at them) and just as I depended on her, she depended on me. But, now that I think about it, we were kind of, dare I say it, ‘lost’ when we weren’t together. We could never be ourselves. (Geez Louise, this sounds like some kind of romantic comedy…)

Now that we’re not friends anymore, she seems even more lost. This may just be because of my odd perspective, but now she seems different. Fake. Faker than she’s ever been and maybe I’m not the only one to notice. I, on the other hand, am not throwing myself at people. I’m holding back and, at the same time, trying my hardest, but not for acceptance, for true friends, rather.

Sure it means that sometimes I have to slap on a smile even if I don’t feel like it, but I’m trying to be as natural as I can. I won’t throw myself, but I won’t withdraw either. I’ll just… walk.

I’m talking (writing) weird again. Sorry if none of this made sense. It doesn’t make sense to me as I writing this, but it makes sense in my head.

This post was supposed to be about college for goodness sake!

Can you believe that Backstabber started telling my sister crap about why she stopped being my friend? Crap like ‘I’m tired of listening about atoms’. Well, Backstabber, why don’t you listen for once, so that you don’t get an E when she’s in bloody triple science?! She’s so bloody selfish, rude and arrogant and not to mention a liar, I swear. I guess everyone is a little fake, but she’s something else. I wonder where that’ll get her.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

My Rants: It sucks…

Today I’m feeling down… again. It’s been a while since I’ve posted so I’ll fill you in. Lately these last few day, I’ve been feeling… okay, like a normal self, y’know- not crazy. But today there was an open evening at my school. I absolutely loved the one we had last week because I was representing the science department and since there was only three of us prefects (plus our pregnant teacher) We did a lot of work showing the displays and telling people about our school. Great. Loved it.

Today however, I wasn’t in the science department because as a music student, I had to represent music as well and boy was it depressing. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the music was good, excellent even (apart from the year 10 group- sorry year 10s…) , but I was only doing african drumming so I didn’t get to participate for the majority of the time. Boring, but fair enough.

But in my music class, I have no one to talk to. Sure, there are a few that I strike up conversation with once in a while, but most of those people had to help out with other things. Most of the seats around me (we sat in a circle) were empty.

As I sat there in silence, not able to even read because I had to leave my bag elsewhere, and watched everyone having fun, chatting, laughing etc. and it made me realise how lost I really am without Grace. Grace is my only true friend in my school. I’m pretty sure everyone else has gossiped and said horrible things about me. I would know because I’ve been told. The other day someone told me ‘fuck you’ (for picking up a pen for someone when it was on the floor and she didn’t want me to pick it up?????). That same rude girl who tried to steal my seat just as I was about to sit down and when I told her that I was going to sit there, she told me:

‘You’ll go to hell for that’

Why are people so judgmental? Why can’t they just shut up if they can’t say anything nice about anybody? ‘Shut up you horrible people and stop judging others!’ I’d just love to be able to say (shout) that in their face, but of course, I can’t even make words come out of my mouth, let alone those words. I hate that because I’m quiet, people think that I’m a snob and that I’m rude.

What even made it worse today was that no one really bothered to notice me let alone talk to me. Sure, I should’ve made the first move if I wanted a conversation, but I can’t do that because I can’t open my mouth! I’m too scared to talk. Why? Who knows? I surely don’t. I ask myself this question almost every day!

When walking home after wards, I pretty sure these year 10 girls were laughing at me when I got out a book to read on the bus. I don’t really know what was their problem but they sure had some nerve. That just did it for me. By the time I was waiting for a bus that I had just missed as I arrived at the stop (figures) and probably being laughed at my these guys walking past me (one of them looked at me as they were talking) I just started crying. It was just so embarrassing. I had to hide my face and keep wiping my eyes discreetly.

That point onwards, I was filling my head with all sorts of thoughts. Mainly that I was useless in open evening and that it would’ve mattered if I was there or not. That I couldn’t sing as well as the soloists or play as well as the others. That I hardly have anyone I can call a friend apart from Grace. That I was practically a loner. That girls hate me. That boys make fun of me (I was once publicly humiliated on the bus by these boys who were probably 2 years younger than me and I felt like I wanted to die.). That I’ll never go to prom, make friends in college, have a boyfriend or get married. That I’ll stay the sad lonely person I am for the rest of my life…

That I hate myself.

That it’s everyone’s fault.

That there is a great power out there or organisation that is planning my every downfall so that it will eventually lead to suicide.

That eventually I’ll lose it and give in to the mysterious great power or organisation and commit the act,

I’m actually scared that this (whatever this is) will just make me lose sense of everything and I’ll just take my life. It doesn’t sound like it’ll happen soon, or ever will happen, but these thoughts are just driving me crazy. I’m beginning to want to skip school and just lock myself in my room day and night, but I know that’s no way to live and in the future, things would just get more difficult. I’m trying my best to fight the sadness, to fight the strange school fever that always haunts me and to fight shyness, social anxiety or whatever this is that I’m facing. I’m really thinking of seeing a doctor but whenever I think about it, I just think that whatever I’m feeling isn’t major or anything and that I’m just being a brat. Plus, I’m absolutely terrified of the thought to see a psychiatrist. For now I guess, I’ll just focus on my studies and find ways to distract myself from whatever pain I’m feeling.

I’m sorry you had to read all this depressing stuff. I don’t like it when people see this side of me, but I just had to write (or type rather).

Here’s something funny to lighten the mood:

And something that’s just plain stupid:

Italian memory

Yep, I feel much better.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

 

Akachan ningen

I always find myself singing along to this song. The video actually makes me LOL and the song is catchy. Seriously. But also I can kind of relate to it… partially. Watch it. Seriously.

From: Welcome to NHK

Social Anxiety: It’s coming… IT’S COMING!!!

It’s coming everyone. Yes, that dreaded 4th of September (though it may be different for others…) And what is happening that day you ask? I’ll tell you what’s happening- I’m going back to learning prison *ahem* I mean SCHOOL!!!

It’s really strange though. During my last days of summer holiday, I always feel bored and am always itching to get back to school to see my friends, but now it’s different.

Fine, yes, it’s partly to do with my unwillingness to wake up early and put on my uniform and walk to the bus stop and… get the bus and… learn, but recently I just remembered something that the many days of relaxing in isolation has made me forget- there are people in school.

Okay… that sounded weird. What I mean is, people are scary. How can I stand stepping out into the blinding morning sunlight and pretending to walk confidently past strangers and sit on the bus while stressing. How will I be able to walk into my form room. Heck, I can’t do that anyway; I have to avert my eyes as I step in and silently sink into my seat so that nobody will notice. And then for the rest of the year, I’ll be trying to hide my existence and then wonder why I’m so invisible and then try to stand out and then get scared and then… and then…

I don’t even know what I’m staying now…

The thing is, I’m scared. I’m scared of being… alone… For starters, I don’t even like stepping out of my house… alone… I don’t like entering my form room alone. I don’t know what I’ll do in my lessons when I’m not with Grace. (Thankfully, she’s in most of my classes) What if I have to work in groups? GROUPS?! I hate that word. When the teacher says it, everyone gathers with their friends and who do I go with? NO ONE. Until I’m forced to join a group who don’t even acknowledge me…

And what about break and lunch? I’m too shy to go up to anyone to talk to them. If Grace isn’t with me for lunch, how the heck am I supposed to find anyone to eat lunch with.

oh wait. I just remembered.

The year 11s in my school have their own separate canteen. It’s much smaller so maybe if I’m lucky I can just fit into the corner and hide or something…

And there I go again, trying to hide my existence.

*sigh*

Sorry… This post seems a little muddled, but I’m really anxious now, my fingers are trembling slightly and I’m just typing whatever comes to my mind at the moment…

But seriously, if I’m scared now, what about when school starts? How will I cope? During the last few months of school, I had something which I call ‘School Fever’ (Wasn’t really a fever but… you know… yeah). Some of the symptoms were headaches every hour of everyday, random stomach aches, the strange temptation of wanting to run away or get run over by a car (believe it or not) and fantasising about what it must be like to stay in hospital after the accident (I actually really thought about this and… well… I was a little reckless when crossing roads though I’ve still got a strong sense of safety so I don’t think it would’ve happened.) Also, I had negative thoughts a lot, especially in the morning, and that’s what would lead to the temptation of running away or going to hospital. Sometimes I would come into school and would refuse to talk… or more like I couldn’t talk. I’d just make gestures or say a few words but if anyone wanted a longer answer from me, I’d just stare… I got frustrated about not being able to tell anyone, but eventually I opened up to Grace and she seemed a bit worried. We laughed about it, of course, that’s what we do, though it was a kind of awkward laugh.

Of course that phase is over, it ended a week or two before the holidays started (the headache continued to the end of the term). It still hasn’t returned even though school is about to start (the headache) so I’m not feeling that worried, but nevertheless, I’m still panicking. I even cried about it yesterday (or was it the day before?) and talked to my sister about it… She wasn’t much help.

Still. I’m DETERMINED to be different. I WILL be able to keep my eyes of the ground when I walk and I WILL be able to talk more to people, and I WILL not make my default pissed of face, and I WILL read some yaoi manga, and I WILL work in groups happily and make an effort and interact with the people in my group, and I WILL make my A* targets!!

I WILL SHOW EVERYONE WHAT A COOL AND FUN PERSON I AM!!

Cool and fun? That’s not modest at all…

Well… all that’s left is to wait till school starts…

I actually can’t wait…

Hey! Fun fact: I was making my default pissed off face during the whole of this post! 😀

Yeah…

Time to watch anime.

NHK NI YOUKOSO!

OSU!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Social Anxiety: ‘It’s not my fault that I’m not popular!’

私がモテないのはどう考えてもお前らが悪い!

Watashi ga motenai no wa dou kangaetemo omaera ga warui!

That’s the Japanese (kana+romaji) version of the title of this post. Yes, this post is going to be about a manga/anime. But before you close the webpage thinking you were going to read something deep and meaningful, don’t… because I have a point for writing this.

The main character in WataMote is fifteen year old Tomoko who has just started high school believing she will make her ‘high school debut’ and become popular as soon as she enters. But of course, Tomoko is a shy, awkward unsociable loner so this doesn’t happen… The story is about her (failed) attempts to improve her status and finally achieve popularity.

While watching this anime/reading the manga (I’m doing it at the same time because I couldn’t wait till I finished the manga :3 ) I found myself thinking things like ‘Come on, Tomoko! Just tell the lady what you want to order!’, or ‘Just say something natural. Don’t work so hard to think of a (bad) pun to tell those boys!’ and I realised I was thinking about the stuff that people normally tell me, for example ‘Just talk!’.

Tomoko’s kind of in the same situation as me- she’s shy, has a limited number of friends (okay, she only has one), she doesn’t know how to start or keep a conversation going, she has strange thoughts (not going to expand on this), may be deranged and the most obvious one- she’s an otaku (though she’s not that into BL)

Although I watch/read WataMote mostly for the laughs, I also analyse Tomoko’s behaviour and think about my own life. Sometimes, seeing your life from the sidelines helps you to realise your problems, understand what they’re caused by and possibly come up with solutions.

Even if you’re not into anime/manga and even if you are not at all like Tomoko, I still recommend it. Trust me, it’s hilarious- more hilarious than my electrons joke *grin*. And if you are into anime/manga then that’s great.

ImageSupport Tomoko, watch WataMote.

~EpicCupcake signing out.