Pfft, y-yeah r-r-right! He wishes! *rolls eyes and sashays away all over the top and totally unconvincing*
So I’ve been reading a lot of comics lately, which all just so happen to be lgbt related, and I sometimes come across gender queer characters so naturally it got me thinking, ‘What’s my gender?’. Of course I’ve doubted my gender before as I did with my sexuality wondering if I’m really male inside or female or whatever. So i’ve done a couple of gender tests (because I just love online tests- ever tried a psychopath test?) my favourite being the BBC brain sex test. I’ve done it two or three times now and on a scale of, let’s say, -50 (female) and +50 (male), I got about -20 to -10. Now I know one test or even a bunch of online tests can’t really tell you what your gender is, but it’s not always too far away.
When I was younger I used to try my best to be more girly. Like other girls I’d experiment with my hair and with makeup (even though I was lazy back then). I love skirts and dresses and prayed to God every night that my boobs would grow to at least a D (my prayers weren’t answered ) I distinctly remember one day being mistaken for a boy. I wore this massive coat at the time with my hood right up and I was shopping in Asda with my mum. She dropped her keys or something and I went to pick it up. This old guy turned to me and said I was a good boy, helping my mum like that. I
wanted to strangle him just stood there like an idiot while my mum laughed her head off and explained to him politely that I did not have an appendage between my legs.
Even though I sure as hell didn’t want to be a boy, I always thought it would be cool to have a dick. I pretty sure I went into detail about this in a previous post so I’m not going to elaborate (I know you’re just gonna type ‘dicks’ in the search bar anyway…) and while I liked to do my barbie dolls hair, I also like playing with boys toys and was relieved that my parents got me a cool blue and yellow bike instead of the pink one my sister had (Though she had these nice streamer like ribbon thingies spewing out of her handle bars and I was pretty jealous of that.)
As I grew older I lost the will to be girly and gave up with the whole makeup thing, like I’ve probably mentioned before. And it’s not only that I gave up but I know since I started college, I have wanted to dress more masculine and I would wear baggy hoodies so my boobs wouldn’t stand out. I’d wall like a guy and sit like a guy and I liked the thought of someone mistaking me as a guy. Heck ,I’ve even accepted my man voice and have honed in on my skills and now I sing Japanese songs (and this one Indonesian song) like a guy and I actually like the way I sound. I’m even doing exercise everyday so I can get a six-pack even though I claimed to have hated these on guys.
But this doesn’t mean I’ve stopped acting like a ‘girl’, mind you. I sometimes feel the urge to wear pretty short skirts and colourful tops and look cute and stuff. I still don’t wear makeup, and don’t plan to either, but I’ve definitely been taking more care of my hair rather than walking out of my house looking like I’d just crawled out of a dustbin. Oh, and I also painted my nails… twice… and before then I hadn’t touched my nails in years (I’d file them but that’s cause they feel nice and smooth afterwards)
So as you can see I sometimes feel I have issues with gender identity, but if I had to go with one gender, I’d definitely choose female because, to be honest, despite everything that’s how I truly feel. Maybe that’s just based with the fact that to me, certain behavours don’t belong exclusively to one gender. Or, it could always be based on the fact that I sure as hell do not want to be called ‘sir’ or ‘Mr Butterson’ or anything like that.
So yeah, cis-female. That might change in the future because usually when I say I’m not something, I end up being just that. Irony. Stupid irony.
You know, my sexuality has always been a little old which is why it took me essentially 4-5 years to figure it out. Even know it’s still a little weird to me. Sometimes I show little to no interest in girls and then suddenly I’m like ‘Wow, girls are wonderful! Why do guys exist again?’. And when it comes to guys I’m only attracted to a select few, thinks some of the others are alright and then I’m scared of the rest. Not that there’s anything wrong with guys, just that I can’t handle a swarm of them (luckily I hardly have to worry about that *cries*). Deciding on bi, or pan if you want to be accurate, works for me because I know I’m somewhere in that middle zone of sexuality. When it comes to gender I’m not picky not because I’m open to stuff, but because I honestly can’t see why you wouldn’t date someone based on gender or sex alone. Well, that’s just the opinion of this piece of cookware.
But back to gender…
I did this genderqueer test today, expecting to get either cis-female or maybe slightly genderqueer, but no…
I got cis-male…
(Yes, I have a windows phone)
I’m STILL laughing. Apparently the man in Asda was right. I’VE BEEN DECEIVED!
And I don’t like chick flicks either
Yeah, so, lesson of the day- your gender is what you say it is! Despite how you act or whatever. Don’t always trust these online tests, especially those which tell you that your biological sex is not what you thought it was. Lesson well learnt… Still gonna keep doing these tests though 😉
~EpicCupcake signing out.