My Rants: It sucks…

Today I’m feeling down… again. It’s been a while since I’ve posted so I’ll fill you in. Lately these last few day, I’ve been feeling… okay, like a normal self, y’know- not crazy. But today there was an open evening at my school. I absolutely loved the one we had last week because I was representing the science department and since there was only three of us prefects (plus our pregnant teacher) We did a lot of work showing the displays and telling people about our school. Great. Loved it.

Today however, I wasn’t in the science department because as a music student, I had to represent music as well and boy was it depressing. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the music was good, excellent even (apart from the year 10 group- sorry year 10s…) , but I was only doing african drumming so I didn’t get to participate for the majority of the time. Boring, but fair enough.

But in my music class, I have no one to talk to. Sure, there are a few that I strike up conversation with once in a while, but most of those people had to help out with other things. Most of the seats around me (we sat in a circle) were empty.

As I sat there in silence, not able to even read because I had to leave my bag elsewhere, and watched everyone having fun, chatting, laughing etc. and it made me realise how lost I really am without Grace. Grace is my only true friend in my school. I’m pretty sure everyone else has gossiped and said horrible things about me. I would know because I’ve been told. The other day someone told me ‘fuck you’ (for picking up a pen for someone when it was on the floor and she didn’t want me to pick it up?????). That same rude girl who tried to steal my seat just as I was about to sit down and when I told her that I was going to sit there, she told me:

‘You’ll go to hell for that’

Why are people so judgmental? Why can’t they just shut up if they can’t say anything nice about anybody? ‘Shut up you horrible people and stop judging others!’ I’d just love to be able to say (shout) that in their face, but of course, I can’t even make words come out of my mouth, let alone those words. I hate that because I’m quiet, people think that I’m a snob and that I’m rude.

What even made it worse today was that no one really bothered to notice me let alone talk to me. Sure, I should’ve made the first move if I wanted a conversation, but I can’t do that because I can’t open my mouth! I’m too scared to talk. Why? Who knows? I surely don’t. I ask myself this question almost every day!

When walking home after wards, I pretty sure these year 10 girls were laughing at me when I got out a book to read on the bus. I don’t really know what was their problem but they sure had some nerve. That just did it for me. By the time I was waiting for a bus that I had just missed as I arrived at the stop (figures) and probably being laughed at my these guys walking past me (one of them looked at me as they were talking) I just started crying. It was just so embarrassing. I had to hide my face and keep wiping my eyes discreetly.

That point onwards, I was filling my head with all sorts of thoughts. Mainly that I was useless in open evening and that it would’ve mattered if I was there or not. That I couldn’t sing as well as the soloists or play as well as the others. That I hardly have anyone I can call a friend apart from Grace. That I was practically a loner. That girls hate me. That boys make fun of me (I was once publicly humiliated on the bus by these boys who were probably 2 years younger than me and I felt like I wanted to die.). That I’ll never go to prom, make friends in college, have a boyfriend or get married. That I’ll stay the sad lonely person I am for the rest of my life…

That I hate myself.

That it’s everyone’s fault.

That there is a great power out there or organisation that is planning my every downfall so that it will eventually lead to suicide.

That eventually I’ll lose it and give in to the mysterious great power or organisation and commit the act,

I’m actually scared that this (whatever this is) will just make me lose sense of everything and I’ll just take my life. It doesn’t sound like it’ll happen soon, or ever will happen, but these thoughts are just driving me crazy. I’m beginning to want to skip school and just lock myself in my room day and night, but I know that’s no way to live and in the future, things would just get more difficult. I’m trying my best to fight the sadness, to fight the strange school fever that always haunts me and to fight shyness, social anxiety or whatever this is that I’m facing. I’m really thinking of seeing a doctor but whenever I think about it, I just think that whatever I’m feeling isn’t major or anything and that I’m just being a brat. Plus, I’m absolutely terrified of the thought to see a psychiatrist. For now I guess, I’ll just focus on my studies and find ways to distract myself from whatever pain I’m feeling.

I’m sorry you had to read all this depressing stuff. I don’t like it when people see this side of me, but I just had to write (or type rather).

Here’s something funny to lighten the mood:

And something that’s just plain stupid:

Italian memory

Yep, I feel much better.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

 

Akachan ningen

I always find myself singing along to this song. The video actually makes me LOL and the song is catchy. Seriously. But also I can kind of relate to it… partially. Watch it. Seriously.

From: Welcome to NHK

My Rants: Perfectly Natural

I’m gonna start this post with a (fictional) story that is a little (little?) strange probably won’t make much sense at all, but trust me; I have a point.

As we gazed into each others eyes, the whistling wind began to die down, the leaves paused their dance and the birds made no sound. Nature itself seemed to hush for us as if creating a spotlight for us. If nature could accept us, why couldn’t others?
Darren stretched his arm up and cupped my cheek with his palm.
“Lilia…” He whispered, his silky voice echos in my mind. I loved it when he called my name.
“Darren…”
Suddenly, he leaned forward and, as if there was an invisible cord named desire between us, tugging at our lips, I closed my eyes and leaned forward also until our lips lightly brushed.
When my eyes fluttered open, I caught sight of two women in the park, shooting us disapproving glares. I gently pushed Darren away.
“What’s wrong?” He asked.
“We can’t kiss…” I said softly, my gaze fell back down to my shoes. ” Not here… Not in public…”
Darren, noticing my sudden discomfort, looked around and spotted the two ladies. He let out a big sigh. “I don’t understand.” He said quietly, calmly, yet his eyes portrayed anger and annoyance. “I don’t understand what’s so wrong about a guy and a girl being together…”
“It’s not normal…” I answered him without looking up. “It’s weird, disgusting and unnatural.” I was surprised at the bitterness on my tongue as I spat those words out.
“It is really?” He challenged. “Is it really so weird? Is it really so disgusting and unnatural? We’re humans and we love each other. What’s wrong with that? How does that make us different, Lilia?”

And I’ll stop there. Did you enjoy the story? You probably didn’t ’cause it made no sense, but do you see my point?
I bet if I showed this story to someone, they’d probably be like “Aww… That’s so not fair!” But if I changed Lilia into… let’s say… Luke, suddenly people think, well it is kinda weird and it is kinda unnatural and maybe a bit disgusting.

Apart from the fact they have a different preference, how are homosexuals any different from heterosexuals? Why do people get bullied or disowned just for following their heart? A girl in one of my classes wrote a speech, podcast article thing about this topic and it mentioned that in the past, homosexuality was a crime and people got arrested or something (my stupid fudged-up memory won’t let me remember…). I personally thought it was stupid, not just because loving someone shouldn’t be a crime, but also because the police should use their time to chase down murders and thieves rather that people who haven’t committed any real crimes.

I remember a conversation I had with Grace and this other girl and somehow the topic switched to gay people. The girl told me how she didn’t like homosexuality because it’s ‘weird’, ‘not normal’ and ‘not natural’.

Weird? Like Darren said- two humans in love. Not weird.
Not normal? What is ‘normal’ anyway. Who decides what’s ‘normal’ anyway? The meaning of normal is whatever the society decides is normal.
Here’s a lame example:
In England it’s normal to spell colour with a ‘u’ whereas in America, it’s normal to spell it without one. So which one is not normal?
To be quite honest, no one is the same so that means being different is normal. See the point I’m making?
Not natural? Don’t get me started. I’m pretty sure there are more than a couple of homosexuals in the world and it’s not exactly a new thing, is it? It is a part of nature so doesn’t that make it natural? Fun fact: did you know that there is some homosexual activity within some animal species? I’m not lying; it’s true.

It just pains me that people discriminate against people not only because of their age, race, gender, sexual orientation etc. but I don’t blame people because it’s not easy for human to accept things that go against what they’re used to and it is very hard to change the strong believes that are so deeply rooted in our minds.

Still, we shouldn’t use this as an excuse. We should look beyond labels such as gay or lesbian because the labels don’t define people– personalities do.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

My Rants: Deadly Cream

Deadly Cream

As I’m sure you probably don’t know, I have a not so rare skin condition called eczema and so I have special creams to treat it and prescribed moisturisers to use (I only use prescribed creams because I have ultra sensitive skin)

I don’t think many people know that much about eczema or the creams prescribed for it so I not surprised that I get this all the time:

 

**A-san: Hey does anyone have cream I can use?

Me: I have cream.

A-san: Okay thank- *hesitates* Wait…

Me: What?

A-san: Is it okay if I use it?

Me: …What do you mean?

A-san: Will it… do anything to me? Since I don’t have eczema…

Me: …No…

A-san: Actually, It’s okay; I’ll ask someone else! But thanks anyway! *Walk away*

Me: …

 

I’m sorry, but if my cream was dangerous, why would it be prescribed for someone with sensitive skin? (Another time this situation happened the **Ano hito-san told me “I have sensitive skin so I probably shouldn’t use it…” …?) I understand there are some creams that aren’t suitable for… er …non-eczema sufferers, but having this disorder for my whole life, how would I not know which creams are suitable and which are not??? Come on people, I’m not stupid! It’s just a simple moisturiser, not some kind of deadly, killer cream…

…Why am I ranting about cream?

I’ll finish this post on this final note. Most people that have had diagnosed disorders for most of their lives would know a lot about them. More than you’d think.

My fellow eczema sufferers, can you relate?

**A-san → Ano hito → あの人 → That person (Japanese)

 

~EpicCupcake signing out.