Windows Phoners

Okay, first? No free WordPress app for Windows Phones? Not fair. I like free apps that function properly. Actually it’s not just WordPress- it’s everything. For most app adverts I see the signs for android and apple or whatever and I notice Windows app store (or whatever it’s called) is always missing. Come on, developers! We Windows Phoners use apps too! Dont leave it to those fakers to con us into downloading pieces of excrement!

Ugh… You know what? My next phone’s gonna be a Samsung I can’t take this anymore. It’s taken me half an hour to write 13 sentences after continuously poking my phone to get it to write in the right place…

…I’ve had a lot of doughnuts…

EpicCipc…
EpocCu…
EpicCipcak-
AAAAAAARRGGGGH!
EpicCupcake signing out. (Nailed it 😉 )

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My Rants: What Did I Do Wrong?

Don’t expect me to answer this question as I am unaware myself…

This past week, my relationship with my mum was on the verge of shattering… I think.

Since I have been at home revising constantly, I haven’t had time to do stuff around the house. I mean, I did clean the house last Saturday so I could spend my half term revising, but for some reason that was not enough for my mum. One day I hadn’t washed the plates that day. My mum came home and went into full on rant mode and we got into a argument and shouted at each other.

The next day I made sure to wash all the dirty dishes my parents dumped in there that morning, as well as my plates, as well as the dining table and the kitchen and mum came home and went into full on rant mode AGAIN for not clearing up my brother’s toys. When I went to clear them up, I thought to myself ‘What toys?’ Because there were only a few of these alphabet pieces on the floor and that was it.

Another day I aimed to do intense revision because I thought I hadn’t done that much so I had a bagel in the morning and starved myself for the rest of the day. I was going to clear up the mess I made in the morning when I had my next scheduled break but my mum came home and she went BERSERK.

My mum would just start spouting all this rubbish about how I never do anything and how I’m so lazy and how I wasn’t revising- that I was just watching anime all day and I was so hurt and angry because she KNEW that wasn’t true. She would always say such hurtful things and make me cry and when I did cry she would just give me this horrible look and tell me to grow up, that I’m not really upset when she knows I’m sensitive. I’m on the verge of crying just thinking about it.

Now today I managed to avoid annoying her until my dad told me to wash the plates. I said I’d do it in a while. Oh how I wished I had just done it…

I came into the kitchen and saw more plates and I was like, half jokingly ‘There’s more plates?’. I was, and still am, not feeling very well so I asked if I could just wash my plates and go. My mum wouldn’t have it so I washed the plates anyway. I was only trying my luck after all. Then I when my mum was having a go at me while I was obediently washing the plates, I opened my mouth (Oh, why did I open my mouth???) and told her that she was really strict with me but so lenient with my sister. I said that not because I thought it was unfair she was washing the plates, but because I wanted to show her that it’s because she wasn’t tough, like she is with me, that she turned out the way she did. My mum just started shouting and stormed off. I could’ve tried to explain it to her but seriously, I know better now. My mum is deluded. There’s no point trying to explain anything to this so-called Disciple of Jesus.

I went upstairs and could here my mum complaining and moaning to my dad, twisting my words and saying things that never once came out of my mouth. She complained about how she bought me donuts yesterday and how I said they were disgusting and refused to eat them, when in actually fact I ate one before my dinner but didn’t eat again because I was full and by the time I came home today, they were finished and I did say they tasted weird, but nice even though they were the worst donuts I had ever eaten in my life and the manufacturer should have been sued. She told my dad how I refused to eat the dinner she made because I said it was disgusting. I actually said it was nice, but had too much oil. And when I say too much oil, I MEAN too much oil. It was practically just oil and I felt so sick afterwards yet I forced myself to finish it to not hurt her feelings. I felt so sick obviously more disgusting donuts were not an option for me. My dad called me down and had a go at me as well, but in my dad’s defense, my mum tell him a lot of bullshit depicting me as a heartless demon. My dad only wants me to be a good and respectable child. My mum’s just got problems.

I don’t want to blame myself, because I believe I have done nothing wrong. My mum treats me like shit sometimes and doesn’t appreciate how much I’ve helped her over the years and how much I’m willing to do. Not for money or to be allowed to go out. For love. Because I do care. But I can’t help but have this feeling of deja-vu and now I know why. This is exactly how Grace was acting because she ignored me for good. Always fed up with me, even though I was actually in a relatively good mood most of the time at that time. The only time I was sad was when she was really hurting my feelings. It’s making me wonder if it is all my fault. If I turn people like this. If I’m just this terrible person who makes life difficult for everyone. I thought maybe it’s cause of my eczema complications that’s causing her stress and the only way to release it is to yell at me and get dad to tell me off. If that’s the case, I get that it’s stressful, that’s not excuse. You should never take your anger out on other people. I know I’ve done this and I’m not proud of it, but it’s still wrong none the less and it’s really getting me down.

It’s really pushing me to the edge and I’m worried I’ll say something I’ll live to regret. All out of spite to hurt her. And I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to hurt people.

Honestly, what did I do wrong?

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Coming Out.

There’s something I need to tell you… I’M NOT A SQUIRREL, I’M A CHIPMUNK!!!

JK JK I kid you. I’m 100% a nut loving creature… historically of course… Hahahaha! Honestly… Where do I  come up with these jokes???

Almost like I drew this, right?

Yes. Coming out. As in proclaiming your gayness. Out loud. For the whole world to know. Gayness. Not fruitiness.

Normally when I’m retelling something or talking about myself, I put the post in the category ‘Dear Diary’ or at least I try to. Now… Notice how this isn’t in ‘Dear Diary’. Now slowly realise that no, this is not about my coming out story because I have not come out and nor do I plan to anytime soon.

But just think about it… The concept of coming out. Whenever someone comes out I always feel this profound admiration to be able to say it loud and proud. In actual fact I only happen to have on non-straight friend who actually happened to be my crush, Phoenix. Her coming out to me was quite a shock to me, even though I kind of knew she was bi. Or at least not straight. Well actually she’s pan but I don’t want to go into all the technicalities and whatnot soooo… One day, during exams, we were talking at lunch and I guess we somehow got into the context of sexuality and brainwashing children to be straight, I don’t know… Something about sexuality and as she was stating her view, she said mid-sentence ‘Well I’m bi so,’ and she just continued talking. When she told me I just nodded while simultaneously thinking,

 

‘YEEEEEESSSSS! I STAND A CHANCE!!! CELEBRATE GOOD TIME COME ON DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO. CELE…’

and

‘The way she just outright said it… She must be some amazing new creature that can bluntly be so open… Wow…’

 

Then afterwards, she asked me if I was okay with it. This time I was simultaneously thinking,

‘That’s more like it… No one can be that outright, especially when I know she’s a little secretive.’

and

‘No. Of course I’m not okay with it because bi is obviously another word for murderer…’ I felt like saying that second one because Phoenix is one of the few people that enjoy my sense of humour. But instead of that I said. ‘Of course!’ And sounded like the typical straight girl- ‘It’s okay that you’re semi-gay but now it’s a little awkward to be around you…’

I don’t know why you have to be seen differently because now you’re openly gay instead of closeted gay. I mean, if you think about it, that person has always been gay but you just didn’t know it. It’s not like they suddenly ‘turned’. Unless they did… Weird…

Now, back to my main point…

What exactly is my main point…?

Is there really a point in coming out at all? I’ve watched a few gay movies, most of which (I’m sorry to say) I didn’t like cause they were… just not there. Just… not all that great… But like I watched G.B.F which I thought was hilarious and I remember (what’s his name…?) the main character’s flamboyant best friend who wanted this grand dramatic coming out and whenever I hear stories about coming, I just think that nobody else really needs to know other than friends and family… Maybe not even them! I think coming out is a great way to let other gay/semi-gay people know you are available but I don’t have another good reason.

I don’t think I could ever come out cause it’s just so awkward and one of the worst reactions (other than bullying, abuse and people avoiding me etc.) is people being like ‘Okaaay?? Why are you telling me this???’ And then I’d be like, ‘I honestly don’t know…’

 

Even though I don’t see the point in coming out, I still did to a couple of my friends. Though I wasn’t like random of anything like…

Cinnamon: So hey, did you see ‘Brooklyn Nine Nine’ last night?’

Me: I LIKE GIRLS!

Cinnamon: Okaaay??? That’s nice, I guess…

 

It was more like:

Me: Hey, you know I kinda have a crush on Phoenix.

Cinnamon: Oh okay.

 

That was how I told them. So I’ve never actually ever used the word ‘I like girls.’ or ‘I’m bi.’ or anything like that.

I was gonna write about my coming out to two of my other friends but I pressed something and I lost everything I wrote.

 

Cue sad music.

 

Man, I hate that!

Maybe another time. At least that means technically I do not need to put this in dear diary.

 

This was sort of a random post but recently I’ve been addicted to Kingsley and Tyler Oakley and I’ve been watching a lot of gay YouTubers for one reason or another…

I want to be as flawless as Kingsley but I will never achieve such pure flawlessness. Cue sad music.

 

I’ll end here cause I’m still pretty pissed about typing a whole essay and just having it deleted just like that.

 

Cue Linkin Park

 

I’m hungry.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Alternate Reality

I’ve been trying to focus on my revision recently and I said I wouldn’t really be posting, but I just found out something that sort of pissed me off so I have to write about it before I write a threatening email or chew my arm off or something (Okay, I know I wouldn’t write a threatening email…)

So I was watching the Big Bang Theory and when I was checking the episode list in Wikipedia, I realised that they’re planning to make a new season. I was ecstatic. Seriously. Then I though, I wonder what other E4 shows are getting another season. I wasn’t entirely sure the Mindy Project was being continued but I was in luck. Then I checked out the New Normal, praying there would be good news.

I was already excited when I type in ‘the new normal’ and ‘the New Normal season 2’ came up straight away. With haste and an ever growing impatience, I clicked the first link to find that it had been CANCELED and I was just devastated. Why did they cancel? Because it’s not appropriate. Why is it not appropriate? Because it features gay men. So what? So everything. I know I shouldn’t really be this angry because if I really cared that much about the show, I would have already known, but I assumed it was a one-time thing. It’s just the fact that now I know there could’ve been a second season but there isn’t. It’s like when I found out they were going to make a fourth season for Kyou Kara Maoh but they didn’t because people found the third season boring.

WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE! HAVE YOU NO EYES?!

Yeah, then I found this was probably due to this organisation called One Million Moms or 1MM for short. I’ve just been trolling around their website, in search for an email address to tell them how much I loved the New Normal, only to find out that they are targeting…

wait for it…

Good Luck Charlie.

I don’t even… *sigh*

This is all due to the fact that Charlie befriends a girl who happens to have two mothers. So what? 1MM is targeting an innocent Disney show. And for what? Telling the truth to children. Yes children, there are some people in the world who are attracted to members of their own sex and fall in love and get married and have children. What’s wrong with airing that?

Children don’t need lies. Children don’t need fantasy. Children don’t need this ‘perfect’ alternate reality.

Seriously, you have to read what it said.

One Million Moms launched an email campaign in 2013 that urged Disney officials to abandon their plans to corrupt the children’s network with LGBT content.

‘Corrupt’? Really?

Conservative families need to urge Disney to avoid controversial topics that children are far too young to comprehend.

Which basically means they can watch it once they’ve been brainwashed into becoming fully-fledged homophobes.

Maybe I’m overreacting. I don’t particularly like Good Luck Charlie anyway, or a lot of Disney Channel for that matter (after all the good shows stopped showing… 😦 ), but I still think it’s unfair. This sort of brainwashing leads to alienation. I would know; I’ve always felt a bit alienated because I know I’m different in some way, I’m just not sure what it is, exactly… If anything, Disney Channel and other people should educate children on LGBT etc. at least the stuff that matters. There’s nothing worse than feeling you’re below everyone for being different.

What’s up with 1MM anyway. Are they saying that it’s unacceptable to get married and raise a family if you’re homosexual? Rubbish. Absolute rubbish.

Dammit! I miss the New Normal. Excuse me, but I have to cry now.

~EpicCupcake *sniff* signing out.

Social Anxiety: How to be normal

I’m finally free!!!!

My mock exams are over and now I can procrastinate full-time!! Until after Christmas when I have to continue revising and doing stuff for the science department. But let’s wait till then to talk about that. Now onto my main point.

Last night I had a conversation with my mum after watching ‘Miranda’ which is officially one of my favourite shows. I said to her that ‘I don’t get people.’ She then gave me an odd look and then asked me if it was about Grace. Then I tried my best to explain what I meant.

And what I meant was exactly that. I don’t get people… at all… I mean, firstly, eye contact. What the heck is that? What are the so-called ‘rules’? When you enter a room, where do you look? When you talk to someone, where do you look? If you pass a stranger on the street, where do you look? When your seating opposite someone on the bus, where do you look?

The Science Behind Being NORMAL

I’m pretty sure that I’ve looked up on Google at some point in my life ‘How to be normal’, because I recall reading something about the rules of eye contact. It said: don’t avoid all eye contact.

‘Fair enough.’

Then it said, don’t make direct eye contact.

‘Fai- Wait… Hold on a minute…’

Lastly, it said something about making  2/3 eye contact and I thought:

‘How does that even work???’

I concluded that it must mean that if you’re talking to someone for 3 minutes, you mus make eye contact for 2 minutes and avoid it for 1 minute. I told my mum about it and she agreed, though I think she just did it to get me to shut up. She was pretty tired and kept dosing off until I nudged her in the side. I didn’t really believe in the whole 2/3 thing, but it made a bit of sense if you break the 2 miniutes and 1 minute up like they say you can do for exercise so I could make eye contact for 2 seconds, then avoid it for 1 and then complete the cycle. Trouble is, that’ll take quite a bit of concentration and I already find it a little difficult to concentrate on what people say without getting lost in my thoughts.

Really, what I do is look at someone’s eyes for a few seconds and then look at their nose or something. That doesn’t work well if they’ve got something in their nose. It just makes me want to laugh. And after bursting out with laughter at the french assistant yesterday, I don’t feel like laughing at anyone. That’s a funny story, I might tell it another time if I’m bored.

And then there’s walking into rooms, one of the things that scare me the most. Whenever I enter my form room in the morning, I always look at the clock which probably makes it look like I can’t stand to look at anyone else’s faces. I probably have this facial expression that makes me look stuck up. I know some people used to think I was like that and I used to have no idea why. My default face probably did that. And my reluctance to speak.

But seriously, where do you look? At someone’s face? At the floor? I can’t look at the floor and making eye contact with someone who doesn’t seem to be smiling or saying ‘hi’ makes me nervous and I kind of fidget and I automatically look away.

Sometimes I think it’s because I think to much. But if I don’t over think, then I’m not Peanut. I’m able to sense danger because I over think. I’m able to apply my scientific knowledge because I over think. I’m able generate awesome story ideas because I over think! I always over think. I even over think about over thinking! Isn’t that what I’m doing now?

Okay. Solution. Don’t over think only when it comes to people I know. Well, easier said then done, but I’ll look into social protocols and tips and stuff and see if I can actually get at least 50 points on my challenge. I’m on 14 points at the moment. Sucks to be me.

But really, if I look at this post’s title ‘how to be normal’, I don’t really want to be normal. Not completely normal at least. Just a little bit more so I can communicate with other human beings. Once I achieve that, who cares about normal?! Weird is wonderful and exciting and I have no intention of surrendering to General Normal. (Hey, see what I did there? I said general and normal… Well at least I found it funny…)

I’ll try my best!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Apparently, best friends are replaceable

Another sad thing to write about! Yaaaaaaay!

Honestly, when I think back to when I was all in a depressed mode, I don’t know how on earth I could’ve been in a worse situation than I am now.

Before I  start the whole story/account/nightmare, let me just fill you in on something Grace said to me earlier. She was randomly telling me about how she has high standards when it comes to boys. The first boy she ever kissed was… kind of on the short side, he was kind of… well, Grace told me she heard that he was a ‘slag’ (she used  that words exactly) and I don’t think he was very good looking either but she still exaggerated about how how fit he was and how her first kiss was so romantic… She later revealed that she regretted wasting her first kiss and was so upset. She went out with two other guys after that exaggerating about how good-looking and fit they were and like a good friend- a good best friend- I agreed with her. They were okay people, not ugly though not as dashing as she described. They were decent people. Of course when she broke up with them, she always said that they weren’t good-looking and that she deserved better. Of course after her last boyfriend, she began getting noticed by other guys and she kept boasting about how she kissed a 24 year old (gross) and that was when she boasted about being able to get any boy she wants. She even refuses to go out with this nice guy who she likes just because he’s shorter than her (and not even by a lot because he’s a still a lot taller than me). And now with this cleared up, I can continue.

Recently I’ve noticed that Grace has been in a bad mood. She’s been having weird mood swings. For example, I ask her for a favour and no matter how small it may be, she always refuses. Whenever I tell her that she never does anything for me, she yells at me and calls me spoilt and then ignores me. Later, she acts like it never happens and when she sees me upset she yells at me asking why I’m so moody all the time. I tell her that she doesn’t do anything for me and that she always has a go at me and then she’s angry, she ignores me and we’re back to square one and I didn’t want this to go on so I’d just slap a smile onto my face and pretend everything’s rainbows and peaches. But then…

Yesterday, I there was nothing in the house for lunch. I usually buy my lunch at school but that day I had P.E. in the nearby leisure center before lunch and we were allowed to eat out. Since Grace and I are in the same P.E. class, I asked her if we could stop by McDonald’s (I’ve always wanted to try the 99p burger) but of course she said no because she wanted to go home to pick up her P.E. kit. Firstly, she should keep her kit at school like everyone else and secondly, she would’ve gotten her P.E. kit before P.E. not after (???). Still she said no.

I got angry at this point and told her that she was being selfish. Then she started her ‘your-spoilt,-it’s-not-all-about-you’ thing again and the I countered ‘it’s not all about you either’ and then she said that it was all about her. Every second she was just making me angrier and angrier. We ended up arguing as we left our that lesson to go to the leisure center and in the middle of it, she stopped talking to me and starting talking to other girls lying to them about what happened and making a joke out of me. I just got furious and left. i ended up walking by myself to P.E., crying (and Grace knew this and kept on laughing with whoever she was talking to as if I didn’t exist), until I bumped into my friend, let’s call her Ann, and she asks me what’s wrong so I tell her everything. She, being the nice lovely person she is, understands my feelings and gives me a lot of great advice; she tells me to take my friendship with Grace with a ‘pinch of salt’, as she says, and remember what kind of person she is. She also tells me that I should try hanging out with other people and that I’m welcome to hang out with her. I thanked her for the advice and seriously thought over what she said.

Then, in P.E. I saw Grace. Shen didn’t apologise. She didn’t say that we should forget about what happened. She just picked suddenly decided that I was her partner (because  she didn’t have anyone else who would be her partner) for badminton and we started playing. She started to talk about how she had gotten in trouble when the teacher caught her in her P.E. kit when she entered the leisure center (It turned out that we weren’t allowed to change at home of anywhere and got straight to the center). Obviously I was still upset, though I wasn’t crying anymore. She left after P.E. without a word so I went back on my own to change. Ann and two other girls from my form let me walk back with them and even after insisting that I’d be okay with no lunch and refusing Ann’s offer of part of her own lunch, they stopped by a shop so I could by a sandwich and apple juice which, i had to admit, was better than the cheese toasty I made for my lunch on Thursdays because Grace refuses to go back to school so I can eat even though she promised (yes, she’s a promise breaker). At registration I told her about the nice things Ann did for me and she told me that it said that it didn’t kill me to hang out with someone else. It was then that I realised that something was off.

Of course, we got into another argument. She was my best friend so I argued that of all people, she should be there for me but apparently, her house means more to her than me. You know, I’m always there for her. A few days ago, I went to my french teacher for him to check my french, but then she totally butted in and made things about her again so instead I was wasting my time after school for Grace to get her french re-checked when mine hadn’t even been checked in the first place and then she started up some hour long conversation about random rubbish and I ended up leaving school late. After promising to walk me to this other bus stop because she made me late, she decided to choose laziness over me and told me that she wouldn’t and of course, she got what she wanted.

Back to the story. We went to our next lesson arguing, then she left without me again. Didn’t speak a word to me. After school we somehow end up arguing again. This other girl in my form asks Grace what I’m going on about (of course) and Grace makes up lies again. I explain the truth. The girl says that we’re always arguing then I, being the stupid clingy dependent person I am, apologise and tell her to forget that this ever happened. Grace ignores me saying that she’d end the fight tomorrow. I keep asking her and asking her but she always has to have it her way and leaves with the satisfaction that she never gave in leaving me extremely upset even though I tried not to show it so that Grace wouldn’t have anything to moan about.

The next day, today, I decide that it’s okay to be with different people so I just tried to be with Grace whenever I could catch her because she seemed to be ignoring my existence unless I make an effort to run after her before she can leave me behind. Unluckily, but perhaps luckily, for me, I completely bombed my GCSE ensemble piece all 5 times that I recorded it and came out crying. I decided to wait for Grace who took ages to get out of her class and we walked to lunch. I explained to her how I messed up my music and I couldn’t help but shed some more tears. My whole body was shaking after I’d left the music room and I was scared that the piece would bring my grade down at least a whole grade and music is already hard enough.

Of course, Grace didn’t bother to comfort me. No, she did quite the opposite: she walked ahead of me, looking annoyed as usual and told me that it’s not the end of the world, that I was overreacting and other stuff in an attempt to make me feel guilty for crying over an exam I might’ve failed and she went to get a seat in the year 11 canteen like she normally did ever since she became too lazy to wait for me in the main canteen as I got my lunch. Fair enough, I thought. But when I’d gotten my lunch, I realised that she sat somewhere else with other people that she hardly talks to, eating her lunch. She didn’t even save a space for me and she didn’t say a word as I passed by trying to find somewhere to sit. Eventually I found a seat beside Ann, another of my friends and some girls from my form. Ann was happy to let me sit beside her. She listened to me as I explained what had happened and my other friend gave me a hug. Then they even waited for me to finish my lunch (I didn’t finish it- it was far too much) even though Ann was late for choir. I joined her too (I originally went to choir but Grace always convinces me not to go which is funny because all of a sudden I have to listen to her but she won’t listen to me… hmm…) I didn’ sit with Grace in registration and she left without even looking at me.

I went to the next lesson, Grace ignored me. I tried speaking to her once. I tried walking with her the next lesson. She sat with Mandy, the girl who hates me and told Grace not to be my friend, instead and it seemed like she had been hanging out with her for the whole day. When I saw them together, and thought about it, I realised that I had been so easily replaced by Mandy, the girl who’s rude about everyone. Grace was fed up with being my best friend. She thought I wasn’t worthy  of her or her friendship and so she cut it off like that. She believed that she deserved better, which Mandy probably hinted to her. So now I’ve been ‘dumped’ by my so-called ‘best friend’ for a new one that fits her needs. She’s tired of me, just like a child gets tired of an old toy. The only difference is that I’m human but it’s not like that makes a difference for Grace.

You know what the worst part is? During these last few days, I’ve been feeling bad for being moody or whatever when the last two weeks apart from the thing with my parents and when Grace was mean to me, so I don’t really know why she got angry in the first place?

I hate that I still want to be her friend even though she’s horrible and treats me like a child, shoving me off and telling me to go with someone else because she doesn’t feel like taking care of me. I can’t believe I even apologised a number of times when the last time she ever apologised to me was at the end of year 9 when she laughed (or more like smirked) when these girls sprayed half a bottle of deodorant as a ‘joke’ probably to see if I’d have an asthma attack (I’m asthmatic), said horrible things behind my back to my friends the same day to try and turn them against me and generally make me upset that horrible camping trip. I had to apologise first before she even thought about saying sorry. After that, anytime I get upset because of something she does, she ignores me, hangs out with other people laughing as much as she can to make me feel bad and come running back to her because I she knows that I have difficulty talking to other people and she enjoys watching me suffer and eventually run back to her practically begging for forgiveness.

I find it hard to believe that even after what I’ve been through having her as my only close friend in that school, I still feel guilty and I apologise to her anytime I show any sign of sadness. Shouldn’t I be free to express my emotions without the fear that I’ll be walking the school alone while my so-called best friend doesn’t give a care in the world about me. It feels like I’m trapped in this so-called friendship. Like it’s either I listen to her, don’t say a word, don’t have any voice or opinion and run after her all the time.

I’m sorry, I’ve seriously rambled.

I’m just not sure what to do now. I talked to my mum and she told me not to let her push me around like that and I think that she’s right. A lot of times a voice in my head has told me not to trust Grace and that I shouldn’t be here friend. Thinking that always made me feel guilty but now I’m wondering if it’s true. For now, I’ll do the same. I won’t wait for her. I won’t go out of my way to talk to her. I’ll wait to see if she’ll make an effort to even look at me and then I’ll know whether she’s a real friend.

But I can assure you that that will never happen.

Sorry for taking your valuable time by making you read this post, but since you did, I guess I feel a bit better. I’ll try and be less depressed next time.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

My Rants: I’ve had enough of them.

This is a rare post. Today I’m going to talk about my so-called family. What joy.

After leaving school late because Grace decided to have a hour long chat with my french teach (don’t even ask) I got a call from my dad to meet him and my sister at this pizza hut near my house. I was happy- I was getting pizza and sure I enjoyed that pizza- but things soon turned around when I found out that the wifi had been connective. It wasn’t a big shock; I already knew my dad was changing it or whatever. He put the password etc and it was set up. Then I asked him if he’d set it on my phone and, with a straight face, he simply said,

‘no’

and then I asked him why and he said that my sister uses the internet on her phone when her laptop goes off (he set this stupid family safety parent control thing so it logs off at 10) so he won’t put wifi on either on our phones.

Now I was furious. had to suffer for something my sister did and this wasn’t the first time. Two good instances were:

  1. On my 13th or 14th birthday, my sister made a stupid promise that she’d take me out to wherever after she came back from her friends house. My mum had even bought a cake that we were going to cut as soon as she got home. So there I was, waiting… waiting… Soon it was 6 o’clock, then 7 o’clock. 8, 9, 10, 11… Eventually she arrive near midnight so it was obvious that I wasn’t going anywhere. There was a big argument between her and my parents. They kept interrogating her- asking her where she really went. She kept insisting that she went to her friend’s house. Then, after the argument, my mum was snooping around in her bag and found a ticket to this really far place and a packet of cigarettes and from that moment on, my birthday was completely ruined and even my dad had a go at me the next day. My sister has never apologised for ruining my birthday and I know she never will- not even on my death bed.
  2. She got into a argument with my dad not that long ago because my dad asked her to tidy her room and she said she had no time and then she started watching stuff on the internet. I’m not really sure what else happened, since I had already left for school, but apparently she was rude, said horrible stuff to my mum saying that she wasn’t her mum and the usual stuff blah blah blah and then I came home to find that my computer time (by this point my dad had already shortened my computer time to go on at 9am and off at 10pm) had been shorten even further so that now it goes on at 1pm and off at 9pm and when I told my dad that it wasn’t fair that I need the time, he told me that if I spoke again, he’d shorten it even more. And this happened all because of my sister.

Why my dad punishes me when my sister does something wrong, I don’t know. As far as I’m concerned, I’m a good girl and I follow their ridiculous rule and the rest. Why must I suffer? What have I done wrong?

Nothing! That’s what!

Now that I’m only allowed 8 hours (actually 4 because it takes me a while to get back from school) and I have no wifi on my phone, I am seriously pissed off. Every single time, my parents are bloody restricting me! I’m not allowed to do this, I’m not allowed to do that. I have to sleep by this time. I have to whatever. They aren’t doing what’s best for me! They just want to punish me, like everyone else does! Even my sister who causes all of this, just told me a few minutes ago ‘I’ll break your charger.’ It’s my charger, she doesn’t have to use it. She doesn’t even have the right to. She was the one who wanted to swap chargers in the first place and then she broke my original charger and now she wants to take mine. She the most horrible human being I have ever met- even worse than that girl who swore at me for picking up someone’s pen! Sometimes I just wish she’d leave the house. I’m seriously counting down the days till she leaves for Uni, if she makes it that far, that is, because she doesn’t take her education seriously at all. No, she’d rather drink and smoke with some random strangers she probably met off the internet. Honestly, I’m better of without her.

And don’t even get me started on my parents. They are just so old-fashioned and believe that children don’t have a choice. Even though I’m in my finally in high school, I can’t even do the things that year sevens do. You know- go to other people’s houses, after school or whenever, weekends I’m not allowed to step out of the house unless I want to accompany them while they’re shopping and apparently, holidays are meant to be spent indoor. One thing I don’t get is that my so-called sister goes out every weekend. I swear, it’s favouritism. Maybe I should start behaving badly then and maybe I might get the slightest bit of attention.

Oh, here’s another fun story. One time, when I was in primary school and my sister was in high school, we all went out roller skating (well, at least, I did. My parents didn’t have skates and my sister… no comment) and at one point I found myself going down a hill and I couldn’t stop otherwise I’d fly forward and break my nose. I yelled for help but when I looked back, I saw my sister suddenly fall after standing still in one place and my parents where bending over to help her and whatever . It was clear that I wasn’t going to get any help so I just kept going downhill till I saw stone floor below. I panicked, wondering how to survive this. In the end, I skated towards the side where there was a tiny patch of grass and fell onto my stomach without taking to much damage. As I trudged back up, no one even said a word or even wondered where I’d went.

Even though I’m a good girl and I don’t cause problems for them, they always find a way to restrict me. For one thing, I hardly make plans to go out anyway so I mostly spend a lot of time indoor, on my computer, but for some reason, they don’t want me on the computer, they want me to talk to human beings when they stop me from going out in the first place. Thanks to them, I can’t have a life outside my house and I can’t have a life inside my house. Where else am I supposed to have a life? No, no, for them it’s study, study study, even from primary school when nothing really mattered.

I just can’t stand them or my sister or anyone else and they’re all driving me crazy and I feel like I’m going to fall into that depressive state again. I was already like that this morning an right now I’ve got a pretty bad headache. Usually, in order to manage that ‘state’, I read manga or watch anime in the night to get my mind of things. Of course, that’ll never happen now and I’m definitely going to go over all this and some other painful stuff that I’m not in the mood to share tonight and I’m going to stay up late anyway. It doesn’t make a bloody difference.

I’ve vented for too long so I’m going to end the post now before I right something I’ll regret later.

~EpicCupcake signing out.