Not Gonna Lie, It’s Hard Work

Wasssuuuup?

Just kidding.

Hey there, it’s been a while. I’ve been kind of avoiding writing a post for a while now. So much so that I failed to write anything for the whole of October. This is me just letting you know I’m still alive and kicking. Well that and other stuff, which I will be moving on to now,

Moving swiftly on.

So if you want to know what I’ve been up to, I’ve just been spending the last month fretting over my UCAS and, more importantly, my personal statement. My college deadly was two days ago so that will probably tell you that I’ve already shipped it off (well to my form tutor first to attach my reference and then to UCAS and then to universities!

I am suuuuper nervous and my brain keeps telling me that my personal statement isn’t good enough. I’m really really really hoping for an unconditional offer. I’m hoping my predicted grades and my AS grades will persuade them. Fingers crossed!

But that’s all I’m saying about academic stuff. I can’t keep talking about it. I don’t like college that much.

No, I want to talk about (write, er… type, rather) friendship and a certain person I happen to be friends with.

I always used to wonder why it is that I can count the number of friends I have on my fingers, or why I’ve never gone to parties and such- like house parties. It’s probably due to the fact that I’m not that invested in people. I just don’t care that much about people so I never really make an effort. This is really clear to me now. I can see it in my day to day interactions. I love being by myself. Doing activities alone rather than in pairs and not just because I’m scared I won’t have anyone to work with. I don’t care about others to the extent that I don’t even know half of the people in my class and 3/4 of people’s names. In fact, I probably know the names of about 5 people in my maths class and these people are people I’ve had classes with as well as the guy who sits next to me. It’s so bad that for the first month back I had to double check my timetable to make sure I was entering the same class each time. I did that last year too. Now I just look for certain people.

So yeah, I don’t care about people. Not that if someone was hurt or something I wouldn’t care. It’s more like, I don’t care about socialising with people. So this made me a little confused when I came to be friends with… let’s call him Mochi.

So Mochi and I work in the same charity shop- that’s how we met. He’s actually the dude I mentioned in my last post. I only realised I wrote about him before about halfway into this post so forgive me if I repeat myself. So back to the story. We’d somehow only met each other months after both him and I started working there. We both work Saturdays and I start when he finishes (I basically take over the till from him) so that’s probably why, though nowadays I always meet him before he leaves so that’s weird.

Anyway, when I met Mochi, I instantly liked him. He’s just got this nice refreshing vibe that most people don’t have. I’m not entirely sure what it was in particular that gave me that impression. Despite this, I didn’t go ahead and jump in and try to be his friend. I’m a bit reserved and I don’t really know what the protocol is for ‘jumping in and trying to be someone’s friend’ so I stuck to exchanging greetings. It was only when he started talking to me about college and we found out we were going (or about to go as this was before the school year started) to the same college. He was going to be my first kouhai of some sort but you know, I kind of wanted it to be more than that.

So I tried a little harder than I would for most people. After I was sure I wasn’t mistaking him for someone else, I began talking to him whenever I saw him. This was quite hard for me because I’m used to pretending I didn’t see someone to avoid them for reasons probably linked to my poor social skills. I still have those moments when I avoid him. I think I did it yesterday actually… Still, I’m trying harder than I normally do so it’s a start at least.

When we used to bump into each other we’d start by saying hi and then I’d sort of panic because I wouldn’t know what to say next and I wouldn’t know whether to keep walking or stop and talk which led to awkward moments of silence where I stare at him and smile awkwardly waiting to see what he’d do next. It would be suuuper awkward and I’d spend the whole day thinking about it and feeling stupid as I normally do when I make interpersonal fails.

But one day I caught him in the library and mustered up the courage to sit next to him and talk/read. This was especially hard for me because I quite frankly I don’t know what level of intimacy needs to be achieved before you can invite yourself to hang out with someone. I took a chance anyway and when I did, all I was thinking suddenly felt stupid. I mean, we’re talking about sitting next to someone and talking. We’ve talked standing up many times and once sitting down ages ago. Sorry, I feel like I have to apologise for the way I’m viewing everything. You’ve probably never met another human who thinks like this.

Even though I called Mochi my friend in the last post, I wasn’t entirely sure if we had reached the status of ‘friends’ and I didn’t want to ask him because I felt that had needy and desperate connotations- both extremely unattractive vibes. I felt like he was my, as Cloud would say, fracquaintance. And while that was all nice and good, I wasn’t really interested in gaining another fracquaintance. I wanted a friend. So I decided to get to know him a little better.

Yesterday, I caught him walking out of college with a friend and I was going to pretend I hadn’t seen him because I was feeling awkward but after a while I ended up right behind him and I had already avoided him once that day, like I said earlier, so I went and said hi. We spoke briefly but he was already talking to his friend before I can so I figured it was only polite to let them talk. I pretended to check stuff on my phone while I walked beside him. When we parted ways with his friend, I had intended to walk but Mochi was going to take the bus. Normally, I’d pick going my way alone but I decided that I’d follow Mochi since we took the same bus. He brought up a random topic which we talked about until the bus came (well, that and UCAS because that’s kind of my life now) and I sort of felt closer to him because he shared stuff about himself. It was the kind of conversation I’d have with my own friends- my closest friends- before we all became boring on account of UCAS and A levels taking over our lives.

On the bus I attempted to steer the conversation away from UCAS and more towards ourselves. I learnt a bit about him. I already knew he was an avid reader and writes like me, but I didn’t know he was working on a novel in lieu of revising for NaNoWriMo which he has promised to let me read and I will hold that against him until he lets me read it. I didn’t know he was planning on studying History in uni (but that’s sort of to do with UCAS so…) I also learnt his last name and stupidly didn’t think to tell him my own. Oddly enough, our surnames only differ by two letters. (Two extra letters on my part most probably) We talked mostly about reading and writing but I think they’re a big part of his life and I’m glad because they’re a big part of my life too. Finally, a fellow writer! If only he watched anime…

After that little bonding moment on the bus, I did generally feel closer to him and perhaps he felt the same way because I saw him this morning and he so kindly walked me to my bio lesson shielding me from the unforgiving British rain with his life saving umbrella (okay, going into story writing mode…) I think that was a particularly intimate thing- not necessarily in a romantic sense but in a friendship sort of… sense. Sorry, I didn’t know how to word that.

This whole friendship making biz is hard work for someone like me, not gonna lie. My avoidant personality makes life kinda hard but I guess if you really want it, you’ll work for it and when you get it, it really pays off. I think I can safely say Mochi and I are friends. How close we are is another story and that will take more analysis because unfortunately I’m not good at sensing those kind of things. I’ve gotten things wrong before- thinking I’m closer to someone when in truth we’re not that close so it’s like a detective game of some sort. You have to look for the clues. Let’s hope I’ll find them!

This post is all over the place. I never really started with any sort of structure in mind so I apologise for that as well. I just had to write so I wrote (typed). Unfortunately I must finish here because it’s too late to talk about ‘that other thing’ that I was going to mention. It’s pretty important in my whole ‘story’ so I will definitely mention it at some point, BUT for now, I must end here.

Er… almost forgot how to end this.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Imaginary Schrödinger’s Person

Let me tell you what I’ve done today…

I woke up… at 12

I read a book… like 5 pages

I played games… on my phone

I watched 1.5 movies… yeah…

And it’s almost eight now and I don’t believe I’ve done anything meaningful today.

You know, I can fool myself that I’m content with spending everyday on my computer and sort of reading books and definitely reading comics for quite a while, but I can’t fool myself forever.

I’m bored.

I need to do something.

Something meaningful.

Unfortunately I have neither the energy nor social skills to do anything. I am actually quite a boring person.

I don’t know why I have this crazy idea in my head that if I had a boyfriend or a girlfriend that my life will suddenly have meaning. That I have to have someone to complete me. That life will start only then and I should just wait and be bored before then.

Some time ago, about when I started this blog or at least a year from then, I used to have these thoughts all the time and it seriously bugged me. Perhaps that was what made me so glum. Now-a-days I just fly by in life, not thinking about those things and to be honest, I’ve been happy since I started college- since I stopped thinking about those kinds of things.

Of course that was when I was still head over heels (or hills or whatever the expression is ‘m too lazy to google right now, sorry) for Phoenix so I only concentrated on one person and not the whole bunch of people who couldn’t care less about me. But now I’m really done with that. I’m ready to close that chapter of my life but it’s hard, you know? I can’t help that whenever we talk on WhatsApp, I get really happy and excited and my heart just warms up. I can’t help that there’s always that feeling deep inside- that relentless feeling- that still has feelings for her. And boy is it annoying! On results’ day I met her by chance and as usual, I stuck to her like glue and went back to the hall so she could collect her results instead of leaving with my own and meeting my cousin as planned. I then met my other friends and I wanted to talk to them but Phoenix had to go because her girlfriend was waiting outside. I felt a pang of something but I said bye and let her go without me. There was no way I was gonna hang around with her girlfriend. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but her girlfriend went to our high school. We had English together. So did Phoenix. I never really liked her that much because I thought she looked down on me. What made that day worse is that I bumped into Phoenix when I was leaving the college and she was with her and some others. Thank goodness her girlfriend had her back to me, It would hurt to look at her face. Her hair was really nice though. Really really nice. As if my hair, I mean day, wasn’t bad enough.

So now, even though I am getting over it, I still want to be in a relationship. To get my mind off everything and just chill. To be able to be happy for my friend.

But you know, there has to be more to life. I don’t want to put my faith in dating to make life more exciting. True, it would make life more exciting, but I don’t think it’s the kind of excitement I’m looking for. I just want to make the most of every day and live life to the full. Try new things. Go to new places. Learn more about myself and the world. Get closer with my friends (in an extrememly platonic way- I don’t want this emotions rollercoaster I experienced thanks to my undying- and I MEAN UNDYING– love for Phoenix) and actually hang out with them! Instead of being a loner at home all the time because it’s easier that way.

But you know, I’m only 17 and I’ve got extremely strict parents. What can I actually do? My parents want me to be at home 24/7 and even if they don’t I have nowhere to go. Even though I’ve sort of gotten over my fear of opening my mouth and letting words come out instead of silence, I’m no social butterfly and my friends are very limited. And going places costs money! I’ve spent over £50 this holiday and I’m still recovering from my last bank statement.

But I guess there’s no harm in trying to get out of the house. I could force my friends to introduce me new people and I could wave my results in front of my parents face if I get invited to a party or something. I don’t know. I shouldn’t think about all the stuff I’m not doing and want to be doing. I should just focus on making myself happy and living each day to the full (and not sleeping in till the afternoon)

So the question: ‘Is the more to life?’

Answer? : ‘Most definitely.’

Of course, I knew that.

The real question is: ‘Is there more to my life?’

And the answer? : ‘There will be, if I make the effort.’

I can definitely live my life to the full without a boyfriend/girlfriend and it’s time I start believing in myself and not this imaginary Schrödinger’s person.

I’ve realised all I need is a little bit of confidence.

A little bit of confidence can go a long way.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Wrong Body, Right Mind

Okay, I don’t know if it’s just my laptop but WordPress refuses to use the background and headers I uploaded on BOTH of my blogs and now I’m getting pissed…

I miss my little cupcakes 😥

Enough with my own problems; I’m here to talk (type) about something more important than malfunctioning websites (or hackers… *Narrows eyes*)

So I wonder if you can actually get the topic of this post just by the title. I’ll give you 5 seconds…

five…

four…

threetwoone

So today’s topic is about transgenderism (I don’t know why the red squiggly line is appearing- I’m pretty sure it’s a word) and transsexuality. (Seriously what’s with the squiggly lines? It actually came up for the word ‘blogs’ as well…)

Recently I started reading a comic I was stalling for a long time. I guess the long text and the lack of yaoi/slash was getting to me. But now I’ve picked it up again and I am OBSESSED. I HAVE BEEN READING IT NONSTOP but I stopped at chapter 20 because I was getting close to the latest page and that would mean days of waiting in agony. Just the thought of knowing I have a few chapters left makes me feel relieved even if I’m still waiting in agony. Funny, huh? But I digress. Anyway, let me tell you a bit about this comic.

Rain is a a webcomic drawn by Jocelyn Samara about a trans girl called Rain (That’s her in the middle with one eye) She moves to a new town with her Aunt Fara (the one on the far left with the red hair and huge smile) so she can start afresh, living life as the girl she was always meant to be. As you probably would have guessed, she makes quite a bit of friends along the way, a lot of which belong to the LGBTQ+, who learn of her secret but accept her anyway and support her. It’s about the good times, the bad times, the funny time, the sad times- everything you’d expect in a story about an average teenage girl… in a boy’s body.

You should go ahead and read it if you like LGBTQ+ stuff or if you want to learn more about it or to just enjoy a good story. Well it’s not like I’m trying to sell it or anything and it’s not a review or anything.

By the way, did you notice what Jocelyn did with the umbrellas? I think it’s pretty neat. If you didn’t- click here and you will. I guarantee.

Anyway, after reading the comic I think I began to understand transsexuality and stuff a lot better. Even me who is pretty much obsessed with lgbt, realised I was a lot more ignorant than I thought. I never really understood how much pain and hurt people go through- being in the wrong body. Having a body that doesn’t agree with your gender- the very sex of your brain. Yes, brains have sex. (I actually saw this line on a website and actually burst out laughing. Seriously, what is wrong with me?) Trans people try so hard to pass and it really is tough.

People, myself included (at least before), may think that you can just get a sex change and everything will be hunky-dory but I’ve realised it’s not that simple. I mean you have to find a therapist, be on hormones which you have to take for quite a long time before you see drastic changes, while you in the meanwhile have to make sure you keep as healthy as possible and I mean healthy so your body doesn’t freak with the sudden influx of hormones that are battling against the ones you are making and then, of course the surgery, And there are a lot of health risks; even cancer, heart attacks and er… death- and those are associated with the hormones, or so I’ve read. I’m not an expert in this, just so you know. I’m only just learning.

And you know, even during transition, you still have to live your life as usual. Which would be hunky-dory if it weren’t for the fact that people are a-holes. I was shocked to learn that people actually KILL people for trying to be true to themselves and to other people. I don’t know about you but I can’t really understand that. Then again, I never really understood discrimination… It just really saddens me and I wonder how scared I would be if I were ever in that situation.

If someone had a girlfriend/boyfriend who actually came out as trans, they would most probably be upset they didn’t tell them, if not already disgusted by the fact that they actually dated a ‘dude’/’girl’. I guess I’d understand why someone would be upset; they’d probably feel betrayed being lied to, or maybe just upset they didn’t trust them enough to tell them. But the fact of the matter is that if they are trying to live as they truly are, why should they go around tell people that their body is different? Why would they. Being that way makes people so upset that some even commit suicide, so it makes sense that they’d want to forget about it and move on with their lives. I surely don’t want to tell people that I was used to be rude bitch with anger-management problems. I’ve moved on with my life and I hate it when people bring it up. In fact I felt a little pain typing that sentence.

The only time I think it’s appropriate to inform your partner is when you are engaged. Maybe a bit before then even, but you know marriage is along the way. My main reason for that is sex and having children. I feel if you can’t have children due to complications, you ought to let your partner know beforehand. A plus side, I believe, is if you tell them and they still love you as much as before, then that proves they’re most probably the one.

There’s also something else I learnt yesterday that sort of cured me of my ignorance, the one that both surprised me and didn’t. I read somewhere that due to the level of certain hormones, or an imbalance of hormone (I failed to remember this part, sorry…) during an important part of the development of a baby’s brain, certain parts are changed. If the sex of the baby is a boy, it’s possible that the hormones can actually change the sex of the brain! Other parts of the body would most probably be unaffected as they aren’t as sensitive as the brain. It actually turns out a boy brain and a girl brain are actually wired differently- if I read correctly. It could me more accurate diagnoses and perhaps a ‘cure’ for the disorder, although I doubt anyone would want a cure like that because despite all the pain and suffering of living with the wrong body and the time and effort you put into transitioning- it’s worth it in the end, I think. Worth more than deleting who you are- your very essence, just so you can be what society calls normal. Rather, you could probably think of transitioning as a cure in itself. It means you stop being this weird girl trapped in a boy/ boy trapped in a girl and start being the girl/boy you are- both inside and out. Which is awesome.

The author/artist of Rain is trans too and she posts updates about her transition too. In her before picture- before transitioning- she doesn’t look too happy, looking like a man and all, but in the after picture, and pictures after that, she’s all smiley and happy (and really pretty if I do say so myself :3 ). If that’s not a cure then I don’t know what is. Here’s a pic of her actually.

She reminds me of my maths teacher… Maybe it’s the glasses. Or maybe it’s the smile.

Sorry this is a long post and it’s suddenly out of the blue and all over the place, but I felt I had to. I’m not that convinced many people know much about transsexuality and unless you’re trans yourself, you’ll never fully understand what it’s like. I just hoped I helped improve your understanding. If I’ve gotten anything wrong on here, it’s either because I got one hour’s sleep last night and am not that awake, or because I’ve misunderstood anything. If you notice a mistake, please please please tell me as soon as you can. Otherwise, please share this to whoever you can and improve people’s understanding so we can all live much better ignorant free lives- or at least close to that.

For more, reliable info, take a look at transsexual.org. That’s where I got most of the information from. They’ve got tooooons of info, and even goes into a lot of detail of the transition process. The rest of my current knowledge from reading comics and other stuff so please don’t judge me.

Well, that’s all for now, folks! I’m hungry… And I want my cupcakes back… Wait… did I just make a funny?

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Partners in Crime Reunite?

Two posts in a day! WHOOP! This was actually meant to go with my last post but I don’t like it when my posts exceed a certain limit. Nice and short is how I like my posts- niiiice and shooooooorrrtt.

Over study leave and during exams, I got to hang out with Phoenix a lot. And Phoenix is awesome so naturally I was sad when college resumed and we had to go our separate ways (you know what I mean). She’s always in the art department and I’m always… not. So on Monday I decided to gather enough courage to ask to hang out with her. She, being the awesome friend she said we should totally hang out but if it was okay to meet her in one of the art rooms cause she had some coursework to do. So while she worked, I was content in just watching her and doing random crap on one of the computers. At one point we went hang with the some other people who do art or the like. It was a little awkward because apart from two of them (and Phoenix, of course), I had never talked to them much or ever before. Even so they were nice and one of the girls shared her party rings with me so yeah, it’s hard not to enjoy yourself when you get free food and watch funny and disturbing horror film trailers.

Anyway, whilst I was there, Grace walked in a couple of times. I never said a word to her. In fact, at one point, I was in that art computer room by myself and she was the only one in the room and that still never urged me to talk to her. She didn’t say anything to me in particular. At least nothing I remember.

Since that Monday I got sort of accustomed to that room. I mean I can chill in there and do whatever and no one asks questions or tells me to get lost so I just go there sometimes. Hence why I was there when I made my Left-handed Girl post. Actually I think that was on Monday…

So, one day, Tori and I were chilling in the art computer room and we literally just sat there and played games. I was playing Pepper Panic on Royal Games so I hardly paid attention to anyone- even when Tori was talking to me (I know, I’m so rude…) When I was in the middle of a game I thought would go well, Grace came from out of nowhere and asked me how I was. I said fine and nothing else. I didn’t ask her how she was because I reckoned she didn’t really mean it in that much of a friendly way. I mean, she’s said hi to me before when we were in close proximity for some reason so I didn’t take much notice of it. Also… I was playing Pepper Panic! (Sue me!)

When she continued talking, I realised that this wasn’t one of those random ‘how do you do’s. She started speaking to me normally as we did in high school. She was talking to me about her predicted grades and how she doesn’t know how she did better in drama than art and stuff like that. I was listening but I must’ve looked so rude because I looked totally disinterested when really I was just too focused on winning lots of jewels that day. When I WASN’T playing though, I realised that I was talking almost like normal only that my voice was a little flat because this is a girl I haven’t talked to for over a year acting like we’re amigas.

But you know, even though I had a face that said “Hmm, so it took you a year to finally come and properly talk to me, huh?”, I was secretly happy inside. A little big-headed, but mostly glad that we were talking. Because in truth I really missed her. I missed hanging out with her and laughing we her and having stupid pointless debates. I mean I gotten over that chapter of my life and I won’t die if we don’t become partners in crime once again, but it would be nice if we did, you know. I won’t wish for it, but if it’s meant to happy, I want it to happen. If she genuinely wanted to be friends again, for us to be that comedy duo again (Her being the funny (wo)man and me being the (not so) straight (cis-)man), then yeah! Let it be! At least this time, if Grace goes away again, I won’t be so weak about it. But, if it does happen, it probably means that Grace realises just how special our relationship was.

But this is all hypothetical. I’m quite content playing Pepper Panic for the time being. :3

BADASS

(A more accurate representation of the difference in our height)

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Back From The Dead

Okay, so three days after I made the last post, I was on my computer, still a little morose, when all of a sudden it started shutting down. It didn’t mean anything to me because that sort of thing happens sometimes. Especially if I haven’t shutdown in a long time. After it finished installing the updates and shutting down, I turned it on but instead of loading windows, all I got was this:

When my laptop died

That’s right, I got the

BLACK SCREEN OF DEEEEEAAAATTTHHHSDFVDCVDV!!!

And at that point, my heart went from being broken to being shattered.

But now it’s back from the dead again after getting it wiped clean of the virus that took over. I still had some of my stuff but some programs were deleted and my settings depersonalised so I spend some time setting the background to anime pictures, my screen saver to anime pictures, installing Office, installing antivirus etc.. At around six my computer wanted to install some updates. I was a little scared but figured it was going to do it at some point so I went ahead and shut it down.

And guess what it said

Installing 1 of 196 updates.

I had to leave it overnight but I stupidly closed my laptop so when I went to bed so it made no progress…

But at least it was working and I got some programs back 🙂 And no more malfunctioning!! 😀

I’ve been pretty busy since then since my exams are just around the corner but now I’m taking a two hour break so I am able to make a post.

 

Anyway, not much has happened since the last post except for one big thing.

It was a spur of the moment thing and pretty painful but I did it nonetheless.

When my mum came home, she heard me talking to my friend Cloud. I was telling Cloud what happened cause I knew I had to talk to someone about it before I continued my half-sobbing-half-singing. When I came down to greet my mum (cause my parents hate it when you don’t) she saw my face and demanded to know what happened. So I told her that the person I liked had a girlfriend and she went on to say how I shouldn’t get involved with boys, how they only want one thing yada yada yada. You know- the usual. I tried telling her it was different but she said all boys were like that. She asked if I was going out with ‘him’ and I said no and she was like, ‘Then why are you crying? It’s not like he broke up with you.’

As the conversation dragged out, I felt that I should just tell her the truth. I can’t remember my reason for doing so, but I hate keeping secrets so I told her that the person I liked went to my high school to indicate that it was, indeed, a girl (Went to an all girl’s high school). My mum then thought that I meant that a friend from my high school introduced me to the guy I liked. I kept giving her more clues, making it more obvious each time but my mum either just didn’t understand or wouldn’t believe what she was hearing. Then I tried a different approach.

I told her that my friend Phoenix got a girl friend. Her exact words were: “That’s terrible!” Exact words… That made it even harder to get the next words out. While she was thinking I was upset that Phoenix was bi, I finally told her that I liked Phoenix and the shock on my mum’s face made me want to run away. And I did run away upstairs and after a while I came back and we continued our conversation.

My mum said the things I expected her to:

 

“So you’re a lesbian.”

“Do you think that’s what God wants?”

“So you’re sexually attracted to women?”

“Do you know how women have sex?”

“Does that mean when you’re married to a man, you will be dating a woman at the same time?” (She asked that when I said I was bi (???))

“I just can’t believe it…”

 

I was standing some distance away from her, my face burning the way it was about a year when I told Ann. I did laugh at some point when she said stupid stereotypes and when she talked about sex I was like: “Whoa, please don’t go into that subject, mum…”

But the weird thing was that after we finished the conversation, feeling a little embarrassed and vulnerable, I brought up another subject, something I had to ask her (I won’t go through the details) and we started talking about that and we were talking like normal. Even after that day, we were talking like normal- her complaining at me and me trying not to lose my temper, or us talking and laughing and making jokes. I did ask her, that same day, if she hates me because I’m bi. She said that it was my decision and she can’t hate me because of it. One time when I was telling her about a friend at college, and how we went to the same high school but we’re becoming closer now, she joked and said, “So now you’ve moved on from Phoenix and have a new lover?” Actually I’m not sure if she was joking because she said “You never know when it comes to you, Peanut.”, but she I knew she was purposely making fun of me as per usual so I guess everything’s good. Also she hasn’t told anyone which I appreciate because normally she opens her mouth at the first opportunity she gets.

Yep… that’s my mum for you.

 

I don’t know if I’ll ever tell my dad, because my dad is the understanding one (most of the time, anyway) and if he gets angry or disappointed, I wouldn’t know what to do. I’d probably regret it. As for my sister… that would be super awkward.

Oh well, I think about it later. For now, it’s time to watch anime. (I know what you’re thinking, but I am NOT obsessed with anime.)

Maybe my next post will feature Phoenix. Maybe not. Oh! And it my feature my new hobby- programming!

 

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Just My Luck…

Hello.

Sorry, I’m not in a good mood so this post is gonna be a little morose.

So now I know what heartbreak feels like.

It’s not nice.

It’s horrible.

God, it’s making me feel so empty and hollow.

Today I just found out that Phoenix is actually going out with someone. For four months now.

When I initially heard, I was with my friends cause one of my friends was telling me, because she had forgotten that I had a crush on her.

I kept my cool. I didn’t burst into tears. My friends were all like ‘Are you alright?’ and I was like ‘Oh well, I knew she didn’t like me in the first place so there’s no need to be miserable about it.’. And that really surprised me because soon after, I walked off to my maths lesson and kept my head on the table the whole time while I cried silently.

This went on for the rest of the day. Me being miserable. In my bio lesson I tried to cheer up a bit, and I did, but literally after that I really couldn’t hold it in for much longer.

I pasted Phoneix on the way out of college. She said hi. I had to say hi back despite the fact I dashed out of my lesson to avoid seeing her (you know, so I wouldn’t burst into tears right there on the spot). It was even worse when I played my music like I normally do to and from college and it started playing ‘Happy Together’. A song that would remind me of her. That really didn’t help things.

I managed to hold most of it in till I got home and it literally just all burst out and I was crying and crying and my music was playing and then I was crying and singing and wailing and feeling bad for the neighbours and… gosh…

I guess it’s my fault for falling so deeply for her. I was practically in love with her. I really was. And even though I’m trying to resolve to move on, I know part of me wont let me. No, not part of me- all of me. I know it’s unhealthy to have these lingering feelings but I just can’t help it! It’s her fault for being so perfect and awesome and beautiful. :/

Aaaaaaaaahhhh moooouuuuu… I don’t feel like crying anymore. I have to watch some anime or something…

Happy Friday the 13, everyone… This is just my luck.

~EpicCupcake, signing out.