Not Gonna Lie, It’s Hard Work

Wasssuuuup?

Just kidding.

Hey there, it’s been a while. I’ve been kind of avoiding writing a post for a while now. So much so that I failed to write anything for the whole of October. This is me just letting you know I’m still alive and kicking. Well that and other stuff, which I will be moving on to now,

Moving swiftly on.

So if you want to know what I’ve been up to, I’ve just been spending the last month fretting over my UCAS and, more importantly, my personal statement. My college deadly was two days ago so that will probably tell you that I’ve already shipped it off (well to my form tutor first to attach my reference and then to UCAS and then to universities!

I am suuuuper nervous and my brain keeps telling me that my personal statement isn’t good enough. I’m really really really hoping for an unconditional offer. I’m hoping my predicted grades and my AS grades will persuade them. Fingers crossed!

But that’s all I’m saying about academic stuff. I can’t keep talking about it. I don’t like college that much.

No, I want to talk about (write, er… type, rather) friendship and a certain person I happen to be friends with.

I always used to wonder why it is that I can count the number of friends I have on my fingers, or why I’ve never gone to parties and such- like house parties. It’s probably due to the fact that I’m not that invested in people. I just don’t care that much about people so I never really make an effort. This is really clear to me now. I can see it in my day to day interactions. I love being by myself. Doing activities alone rather than in pairs and not just because I’m scared I won’t have anyone to work with. I don’t care about others to the extent that I don’t even know half of the people in my class and 3/4 of people’s names. In fact, I probably know the names of about 5 people in my maths class and these people are people I’ve had classes with as well as the guy who sits next to me. It’s so bad that for the first month back I had to double check my timetable to make sure I was entering the same class each time. I did that last year too. Now I just look for certain people.

So yeah, I don’t care about people. Not that if someone was hurt or something I wouldn’t care. It’s more like, I don’t care about socialising with people. So this made me a little confused when I came to be friends with… let’s call him Mochi.

So Mochi and I work in the same charity shop- that’s how we met. He’s actually the dude I mentioned in my last post. I only realised I wrote about him before about halfway into this post so forgive me if I repeat myself. So back to the story. We’d somehow only met each other months after both him and I started working there. We both work Saturdays and I start when he finishes (I basically take over the till from him) so that’s probably why, though nowadays I always meet him before he leaves so that’s weird.

Anyway, when I met Mochi, I instantly liked him. He’s just got this nice refreshing vibe that most people don’t have. I’m not entirely sure what it was in particular that gave me that impression. Despite this, I didn’t go ahead and jump in and try to be his friend. I’m a bit reserved and I don’t really know what the protocol is for ‘jumping in and trying to be someone’s friend’ so I stuck to exchanging greetings. It was only when he started talking to me about college and we found out we were going (or about to go as this was before the school year started) to the same college. He was going to be my first kouhai of some sort but you know, I kind of wanted it to be more than that.

So I tried a little harder than I would for most people. After I was sure I wasn’t mistaking him for someone else, I began talking to him whenever I saw him. This was quite hard for me because I’m used to pretending I didn’t see someone to avoid them for reasons probably linked to my poor social skills. I still have those moments when I avoid him. I think I did it yesterday actually… Still, I’m trying harder than I normally do so it’s a start at least.

When we used to bump into each other we’d start by saying hi and then I’d sort of panic because I wouldn’t know what to say next and I wouldn’t know whether to keep walking or stop and talk which led to awkward moments of silence where I stare at him and smile awkwardly waiting to see what he’d do next. It would be suuuper awkward and I’d spend the whole day thinking about it and feeling stupid as I normally do when I make interpersonal fails.

But one day I caught him in the library and mustered up the courage to sit next to him and talk/read. This was especially hard for me because I quite frankly I don’t know what level of intimacy needs to be achieved before you can invite yourself to hang out with someone. I took a chance anyway and when I did, all I was thinking suddenly felt stupid. I mean, we’re talking about sitting next to someone and talking. We’ve talked standing up many times and once sitting down ages ago. Sorry, I feel like I have to apologise for the way I’m viewing everything. You’ve probably never met another human who thinks like this.

Even though I called Mochi my friend in the last post, I wasn’t entirely sure if we had reached the status of ‘friends’ and I didn’t want to ask him because I felt that had needy and desperate connotations- both extremely unattractive vibes. I felt like he was my, as Cloud would say, fracquaintance. And while that was all nice and good, I wasn’t really interested in gaining another fracquaintance. I wanted a friend. So I decided to get to know him a little better.

Yesterday, I caught him walking out of college with a friend and I was going to pretend I hadn’t seen him because I was feeling awkward but after a while I ended up right behind him and I had already avoided him once that day, like I said earlier, so I went and said hi. We spoke briefly but he was already talking to his friend before I can so I figured it was only polite to let them talk. I pretended to check stuff on my phone while I walked beside him. When we parted ways with his friend, I had intended to walk but Mochi was going to take the bus. Normally, I’d pick going my way alone but I decided that I’d follow Mochi since we took the same bus. He brought up a random topic which we talked about until the bus came (well, that and UCAS because that’s kind of my life now) and I sort of felt closer to him because he shared stuff about himself. It was the kind of conversation I’d have with my own friends- my closest friends- before we all became boring on account of UCAS and A levels taking over our lives.

On the bus I attempted to steer the conversation away from UCAS and more towards ourselves. I learnt a bit about him. I already knew he was an avid reader and writes like me, but I didn’t know he was working on a novel in lieu of revising for NaNoWriMo which he has promised to let me read and I will hold that against him until he lets me read it. I didn’t know he was planning on studying History in uni (but that’s sort of to do with UCAS so…) I also learnt his last name and stupidly didn’t think to tell him my own. Oddly enough, our surnames only differ by two letters. (Two extra letters on my part most probably) We talked mostly about reading and writing but I think they’re a big part of his life and I’m glad because they’re a big part of my life too. Finally, a fellow writer! If only he watched anime…

After that little bonding moment on the bus, I did generally feel closer to him and perhaps he felt the same way because I saw him this morning and he so kindly walked me to my bio lesson shielding me from the unforgiving British rain with his life saving umbrella (okay, going into story writing mode…) I think that was a particularly intimate thing- not necessarily in a romantic sense but in a friendship sort of… sense. Sorry, I didn’t know how to word that.

This whole friendship making biz is hard work for someone like me, not gonna lie. My avoidant personality makes life kinda hard but I guess if you really want it, you’ll work for it and when you get it, it really pays off. I think I can safely say Mochi and I are friends. How close we are is another story and that will take more analysis because unfortunately I’m not good at sensing those kind of things. I’ve gotten things wrong before- thinking I’m closer to someone when in truth we’re not that close so it’s like a detective game of some sort. You have to look for the clues. Let’s hope I’ll find them!

This post is all over the place. I never really started with any sort of structure in mind so I apologise for that as well. I just had to write so I wrote (typed). Unfortunately I must finish here because it’s too late to talk about ‘that other thing’ that I was going to mention. It’s pretty important in my whole ‘story’ so I will definitely mention it at some point, BUT for now, I must end here.

Er… almost forgot how to end this.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Advertisements

Miss Senpai is a Busy Busy Bee who is facing DOOM at the DENTIST’S CHAIR

This is pretty much teach cleaning.

An accurate depiction of teeth cleaning, guys.

‘Busy busy bee.’

I almost never use this phrase so that’s how you know I’m busy.

Quest-ce que ‘sup? (Big Bang Theory forever, dudes ❤ )

I’ve finally gotten out of that slump of whatever you call being bored out of your mind but I guess that’s because I’ve started college again. I meant to write a post about my first day but didn’t and now it’s probably too late but I might as well go ahead with it.

So the first years (the year 12) have finally made their appearance (like two weeks ago) some of whom I know because the majority of them went to my high school. I was surprised to see a friend of mine who volunteers in the charity shop I also volunteer in. We see each other occasionally- actually scratch that- we see each other all the time. Or rather I see him all the time. I don’t know if this happens to other people but I can remember what people look like, but at soon as I see them in a different setting I just can’t recognise them. This has led to really awkward moments. I think it must’ve looked like I ignored him at first but we did talk once in the morning and he didn’t seem pissed or fed up at me. Well it’s not like we’re that close. Well, whatever he thinks, I did warn him that I’m super awkward… to which he says he doesn’t see it. I thought he was just being polite but he insisted. I told him thanks for believing in me.

Actually I saw him on Tuesday when I was waiting in line at lunch. I was RIGHT BEHIND him and I had one of those ‘is this him…?’ moments. I left the queue eventually for a reason I can’t be bother to explain (something about how the queue works and hot food and cold food) but when I saw him again I decided it’s time to end this nonsense and say hi…

And I did…

And it was him! WOO! Point Peanut!

And then we had another awkward short conversion. But who cares! I took a risk and I didn’t horribly embarrass myself! That’s more than enough, thank you.

For now anyway.

It’s weird having a first year as a friend. When I was in primary school, I did make friends with kids younger than me, but I never did that in high school. It was great to have someone to pass your wise knowledge and teaching or whatever. My very own kouhai :3. Talking to him about college really makes me feel older and mature. Like a 17 year old rather than a 10 year old.

I can’t even believe I’m 17 already. And that next year I’ll be in uni. Weeeeeiiiiirrrrd. The other day I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned (which is a lot more horrifying than it sounds with a lot more blood than you’d expect especially if you haven’t been to the dentist in 4 years and never floss) and when he asked for my age I almost said 15. Not even 16. Fifteen. Guess who’s stuck in the past?

Now that I think about it I’ve played this dentist game a lot in the past (like 1-2 years ago). With all the anaesthetics and laughing gas I’ve had to use, I don’t know why I didn’t expect it to hurt as much as it did.

And you know what hurts more than teeth cleaning?

Writing personal statements. I am practically slaving away writing the crappiest 4000 characters WITH SPACES of my life. I will say no more about this. OTHER THAN MY DEADLINE IS THE 2ND OF NOVEMBER!!!!

Put that date in your planners guys.

That day… is DOOMSDAY.

So yeah, positive thoughts! 😀

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Partners in Crime Reunite?

Two posts in a day! WHOOP! This was actually meant to go with my last post but I don’t like it when my posts exceed a certain limit. Nice and short is how I like my posts- niiiice and shooooooorrrtt.

Over study leave and during exams, I got to hang out with Phoenix a lot. And Phoenix is awesome so naturally I was sad when college resumed and we had to go our separate ways (you know what I mean). She’s always in the art department and I’m always… not. So on Monday I decided to gather enough courage to ask to hang out with her. She, being the awesome friend she said we should totally hang out but if it was okay to meet her in one of the art rooms cause she had some coursework to do. So while she worked, I was content in just watching her and doing random crap on one of the computers. At one point we went hang with the some other people who do art or the like. It was a little awkward because apart from two of them (and Phoenix, of course), I had never talked to them much or ever before. Even so they were nice and one of the girls shared her party rings with me so yeah, it’s hard not to enjoy yourself when you get free food and watch funny and disturbing horror film trailers.

Anyway, whilst I was there, Grace walked in a couple of times. I never said a word to her. In fact, at one point, I was in that art computer room by myself and she was the only one in the room and that still never urged me to talk to her. She didn’t say anything to me in particular. At least nothing I remember.

Since that Monday I got sort of accustomed to that room. I mean I can chill in there and do whatever and no one asks questions or tells me to get lost so I just go there sometimes. Hence why I was there when I made my Left-handed Girl post. Actually I think that was on Monday…

So, one day, Tori and I were chilling in the art computer room and we literally just sat there and played games. I was playing Pepper Panic on Royal Games so I hardly paid attention to anyone- even when Tori was talking to me (I know, I’m so rude…) When I was in the middle of a game I thought would go well, Grace came from out of nowhere and asked me how I was. I said fine and nothing else. I didn’t ask her how she was because I reckoned she didn’t really mean it in that much of a friendly way. I mean, she’s said hi to me before when we were in close proximity for some reason so I didn’t take much notice of it. Also… I was playing Pepper Panic! (Sue me!)

When she continued talking, I realised that this wasn’t one of those random ‘how do you do’s. She started speaking to me normally as we did in high school. She was talking to me about her predicted grades and how she doesn’t know how she did better in drama than art and stuff like that. I was listening but I must’ve looked so rude because I looked totally disinterested when really I was just too focused on winning lots of jewels that day. When I WASN’T playing though, I realised that I was talking almost like normal only that my voice was a little flat because this is a girl I haven’t talked to for over a year acting like we’re amigas.

But you know, even though I had a face that said “Hmm, so it took you a year to finally come and properly talk to me, huh?”, I was secretly happy inside. A little big-headed, but mostly glad that we were talking. Because in truth I really missed her. I missed hanging out with her and laughing we her and having stupid pointless debates. I mean I gotten over that chapter of my life and I won’t die if we don’t become partners in crime once again, but it would be nice if we did, you know. I won’t wish for it, but if it’s meant to happy, I want it to happen. If she genuinely wanted to be friends again, for us to be that comedy duo again (Her being the funny (wo)man and me being the (not so) straight (cis-)man), then yeah! Let it be! At least this time, if Grace goes away again, I won’t be so weak about it. But, if it does happen, it probably means that Grace realises just how special our relationship was.

But this is all hypothetical. I’m quite content playing Pepper Panic for the time being. :3

BADASS

(A more accurate representation of the difference in our height)

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Agony Cupcake: Trying to fit in

I’m just gonna blab here…

In high school, you are with the  same people for five whole bloody years (I’m talking about the England, guys) and that means you want to have a good reputation so that people like you and won’t ignore you or bully you. Naturally, most teens are tempted by the delicious satisfaction of being accepted to they go to great lengths to make this happen. This means they:

  • Try to buy hip designer clothes
  • Listen to the latest songs
  • Start b*tchin about others
  • Start smoking/taking drugs (never saw it in my school though…)
  • Other things that I can’t remember

Now I used to try to keep up with the times and become a person that everybody liked. Now, I’m not a very social person and I like to spend most of my time reading manga, but nevertheless, I was pulled in to this bizarre craze because I didn’t start high school in a good way. I began to change myself and I didn’t even realise it.

Back in primary school I was a very sensitive person (still am) and I probably angry a lot. If someone made me angry, I told them and I wasn’t afraid to express my feelings . I was pretty straight forward, though I was a little shy. Of course, this meant that not many people liked me. In high school, I did care about my classmates but not really that much, but all of a sudden, their acceptance was all I longed for- to be one of them; to fit in.

I stopped expressing my feelings so much and held them in. I tried my best to only reveal others the good side of myself and to hide my true self in the shadows cast by my false new image. People accepted me, or so I thought.

I was living a delusion. I though I was accepted, one of them, but after a few years I realised I was wrong. I have a good friend, Grace- Grace Grassland- and we’re besties. We’d spend pretty much every moment of the day together, but whenever she was absent (which was rare because she had excellent attendance), I realised that I wasn’t ‘friends’ with everybody as I thought. I became to become the quiet, shy girlonce again.

At the same time, I realised that people were ignoring me, forgetting me as if I didn’t exist. And if that wasn’t enough, I found out that people had been bitching about me behind my back and saying that I’m cold, rude and that I always look pissed off but seriously, that’s just how my face is.

Normal FaceThis is how I look all the time.

Then things went wrong. I lost it and got angry at everything and shouted at everything and cried at everything and laughed at everything and I had no idea why. I threw things across the room and started ripping paper for no reason. I started saying things like:

Nobody loves me.

I’ll always be alone.

What’s wrong with me?

I was never happy.

Who am I?

I knew I wasn’t the person who was always cheerful- who always loved being with others etc. etc. Due to my fudged-up memory, I have no idea who ‘I’ am.

Maybe I’m just looking to far into things. Maybe that’s why I’m thinking in this strange way. Maybe…

Sorry for blabbing. But seriously, take my advice- always be yourself. Don’t try to ‘fit in’. What is ‘in’ anyway. It doesn’t mean everyone likes you. It probably means people are still b*tching about you, but instead of saying to your face, they say it behind your back.

I’ve had enough of ‘fitting in’. I’ve had enough of pretending that everyone likes me. I’ve had enough of trying to make others like me. They won’t like you unless they truely want to.

I want to be myself and you should too because that’s what makes you made you. That makes you real.

I’m sorry if this post seems all over the place. I guess that’s just how I feel inside.

Enough sadness, more epicness

Read book (yaoi)Let’s read some YAOI!

~EpicCupcake signing out.