Not Gonna Lie, It’s Hard Work


Just kidding.

Hey there, it’s been a while. I’ve been kind of avoiding writing a post for a while now. So much so that I failed to write anything for the whole of October. This is me just letting you know I’m still alive and kicking. Well that and other stuff, which I will be moving on to now,

Moving swiftly on.

So if you want to know what I’ve been up to, I’ve just been spending the last month fretting over my UCAS and, more importantly, my personal statement. My college deadly was two days ago so that will probably tell you that I’ve already shipped it off (well to my form tutor first to attach my reference and then to UCAS and then to universities!

I am suuuuper nervous and my brain keeps telling me that my personal statement isn’t good enough. I’m really really really hoping for an unconditional offer. I’m hoping my predicted grades and my AS grades will persuade them. Fingers crossed!

But that’s all I’m saying about academic stuff. I can’t keep talking about it. I don’t like college that much.

No, I want to talk about (write, er… type, rather) friendship and a certain person I happen to be friends with.

I always used to wonder why it is that I can count the number of friends I have on my fingers, or why I’ve never gone to parties and such- like house parties. It’s probably due to the fact that I’m not that invested in people. I just don’t care that much about people so I never really make an effort. This is really clear to me now. I can see it in my day to day interactions. I love being by myself. Doing activities alone rather than in pairs and not just because I’m scared I won’t have anyone to work with. I don’t care about others to the extent that I don’t even know half of the people in my class and 3/4 of people’s names. In fact, I probably know the names of about 5 people in my maths class and these people are people I’ve had classes with as well as the guy who sits next to me. It’s so bad that for the first month back I had to double check my timetable to make sure I was entering the same class each time. I did that last year too. Now I just look for certain people.

So yeah, I don’t care about people. Not that if someone was hurt or something I wouldn’t care. It’s more like, I don’t care about socialising with people. So this made me a little confused when I came to be friends with… let’s call him Mochi.

So Mochi and I work in the same charity shop- that’s how we met. He’s actually the dude I mentioned in my last post. I only realised I wrote about him before about halfway into this post so forgive me if I repeat myself. So back to the story. We’d somehow only met each other months after both him and I started working there. We both work Saturdays and I start when he finishes (I basically take over the till from him) so that’s probably why, though nowadays I always meet him before he leaves so that’s weird.

Anyway, when I met Mochi, I instantly liked him. He’s just got this nice refreshing vibe that most people don’t have. I’m not entirely sure what it was in particular that gave me that impression. Despite this, I didn’t go ahead and jump in and try to be his friend. I’m a bit reserved and I don’t really know what the protocol is for ‘jumping in and trying to be someone’s friend’ so I stuck to exchanging greetings. It was only when he started talking to me about college and we found out we were going (or about to go as this was before the school year started) to the same college. He was going to be my first kouhai of some sort but you know, I kind of wanted it to be more than that.

So I tried a little harder than I would for most people. After I was sure I wasn’t mistaking him for someone else, I began talking to him whenever I saw him. This was quite hard for me because I’m used to pretending I didn’t see someone to avoid them for reasons probably linked to my poor social skills. I still have those moments when I avoid him. I think I did it yesterday actually… Still, I’m trying harder than I normally do so it’s a start at least.

When we used to bump into each other we’d start by saying hi and then I’d sort of panic because I wouldn’t know what to say next and I wouldn’t know whether to keep walking or stop and talk which led to awkward moments of silence where I stare at him and smile awkwardly waiting to see what he’d do next. It would be suuuper awkward and I’d spend the whole day thinking about it and feeling stupid as I normally do when I make interpersonal fails.

But one day I caught him in the library and mustered up the courage to sit next to him and talk/read. This was especially hard for me because I quite frankly I don’t know what level of intimacy needs to be achieved before you can invite yourself to hang out with someone. I took a chance anyway and when I did, all I was thinking suddenly felt stupid. I mean, we’re talking about sitting next to someone and talking. We’ve talked standing up many times and once sitting down ages ago. Sorry, I feel like I have to apologise for the way I’m viewing everything. You’ve probably never met another human who thinks like this.

Even though I called Mochi my friend in the last post, I wasn’t entirely sure if we had reached the status of ‘friends’ and I didn’t want to ask him because I felt that had needy and desperate connotations- both extremely unattractive vibes. I felt like he was my, as Cloud would say, fracquaintance. And while that was all nice and good, I wasn’t really interested in gaining another fracquaintance. I wanted a friend. So I decided to get to know him a little better.

Yesterday, I caught him walking out of college with a friend and I was going to pretend I hadn’t seen him because I was feeling awkward but after a while I ended up right behind him and I had already avoided him once that day, like I said earlier, so I went and said hi. We spoke briefly but he was already talking to his friend before I can so I figured it was only polite to let them talk. I pretended to check stuff on my phone while I walked beside him. When we parted ways with his friend, I had intended to walk but Mochi was going to take the bus. Normally, I’d pick going my way alone but I decided that I’d follow Mochi since we took the same bus. He brought up a random topic which we talked about until the bus came (well, that and UCAS because that’s kind of my life now) and I sort of felt closer to him because he shared stuff about himself. It was the kind of conversation I’d have with my own friends- my closest friends- before we all became boring on account of UCAS and A levels taking over our lives.

On the bus I attempted to steer the conversation away from UCAS and more towards ourselves. I learnt a bit about him. I already knew he was an avid reader and writes like me, but I didn’t know he was working on a novel in lieu of revising for NaNoWriMo which he has promised to let me read and I will hold that against him until he lets me read it. I didn’t know he was planning on studying History in uni (but that’s sort of to do with UCAS so…) I also learnt his last name and stupidly didn’t think to tell him my own. Oddly enough, our surnames only differ by two letters. (Two extra letters on my part most probably) We talked mostly about reading and writing but I think they’re a big part of his life and I’m glad because they’re a big part of my life too. Finally, a fellow writer! If only he watched anime…

After that little bonding moment on the bus, I did generally feel closer to him and perhaps he felt the same way because I saw him this morning and he so kindly walked me to my bio lesson shielding me from the unforgiving British rain with his life saving umbrella (okay, going into story writing mode…) I think that was a particularly intimate thing- not necessarily in a romantic sense but in a friendship sort of… sense. Sorry, I didn’t know how to word that.

This whole friendship making biz is hard work for someone like me, not gonna lie. My avoidant personality makes life kinda hard but I guess if you really want it, you’ll work for it and when you get it, it really pays off. I think I can safely say Mochi and I are friends. How close we are is another story and that will take more analysis because unfortunately I’m not good at sensing those kind of things. I’ve gotten things wrong before- thinking I’m closer to someone when in truth we’re not that close so it’s like a detective game of some sort. You have to look for the clues. Let’s hope I’ll find them!

This post is all over the place. I never really started with any sort of structure in mind so I apologise for that as well. I just had to write so I wrote (typed). Unfortunately I must finish here because it’s too late to talk about ‘that other thing’ that I was going to mention. It’s pretty important in my whole ‘story’ so I will definitely mention it at some point, BUT for now, I must end here.

Er… almost forgot how to end this.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Miss Senpai is a Busy Busy Bee who is facing DOOM at the DENTIST’S CHAIR

This is pretty much teach cleaning.

An accurate depiction of teeth cleaning, guys.

‘Busy busy bee.’

I almost never use this phrase so that’s how you know I’m busy.

Quest-ce que ‘sup? (Big Bang Theory forever, dudes ❤ )

I’ve finally gotten out of that slump of whatever you call being bored out of your mind but I guess that’s because I’ve started college again. I meant to write a post about my first day but didn’t and now it’s probably too late but I might as well go ahead with it.

So the first years (the year 12) have finally made their appearance (like two weeks ago) some of whom I know because the majority of them went to my high school. I was surprised to see a friend of mine who volunteers in the charity shop I also volunteer in. We see each other occasionally- actually scratch that- we see each other all the time. Or rather I see him all the time. I don’t know if this happens to other people but I can remember what people look like, but at soon as I see them in a different setting I just can’t recognise them. This has led to really awkward moments. I think it must’ve looked like I ignored him at first but we did talk once in the morning and he didn’t seem pissed or fed up at me. Well it’s not like we’re that close. Well, whatever he thinks, I did warn him that I’m super awkward… to which he says he doesn’t see it. I thought he was just being polite but he insisted. I told him thanks for believing in me.

Actually I saw him on Tuesday when I was waiting in line at lunch. I was RIGHT BEHIND him and I had one of those ‘is this him…?’ moments. I left the queue eventually for a reason I can’t be bother to explain (something about how the queue works and hot food and cold food) but when I saw him again I decided it’s time to end this nonsense and say hi…

And I did…

And it was him! WOO! Point Peanut!

And then we had another awkward short conversion. But who cares! I took a risk and I didn’t horribly embarrass myself! That’s more than enough, thank you.

For now anyway.

It’s weird having a first year as a friend. When I was in primary school, I did make friends with kids younger than me, but I never did that in high school. It was great to have someone to pass your wise knowledge and teaching or whatever. My very own kouhai :3. Talking to him about college really makes me feel older and mature. Like a 17 year old rather than a 10 year old.

I can’t even believe I’m 17 already. And that next year I’ll be in uni. Weeeeeiiiiirrrrd. The other day I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned (which is a lot more horrifying than it sounds with a lot more blood than you’d expect especially if you haven’t been to the dentist in 4 years and never floss) and when he asked for my age I almost said 15. Not even 16. Fifteen. Guess who’s stuck in the past?

Now that I think about it I’ve played this dentist game a lot in the past (like 1-2 years ago). With all the anaesthetics and laughing gas I’ve had to use, I don’t know why I didn’t expect it to hurt as much as it did.

And you know what hurts more than teeth cleaning?

Writing personal statements. I am practically slaving away writing the crappiest 4000 characters WITH SPACES of my life. I will say no more about this. OTHER THAN MY DEADLINE IS THE 2ND OF NOVEMBER!!!!

Put that date in your planners guys.

That day… is DOOMSDAY.

So yeah, positive thoughts! 😀

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Imaginary Schrödinger’s Person

Let me tell you what I’ve done today…

I woke up… at 12

I read a book… like 5 pages

I played games… on my phone

I watched 1.5 movies… yeah…

And it’s almost eight now and I don’t believe I’ve done anything meaningful today.

You know, I can fool myself that I’m content with spending everyday on my computer and sort of reading books and definitely reading comics for quite a while, but I can’t fool myself forever.

I’m bored.

I need to do something.

Something meaningful.

Unfortunately I have neither the energy nor social skills to do anything. I am actually quite a boring person.

I don’t know why I have this crazy idea in my head that if I had a boyfriend or a girlfriend that my life will suddenly have meaning. That I have to have someone to complete me. That life will start only then and I should just wait and be bored before then.

Some time ago, about when I started this blog or at least a year from then, I used to have these thoughts all the time and it seriously bugged me. Perhaps that was what made me so glum. Now-a-days I just fly by in life, not thinking about those things and to be honest, I’ve been happy since I started college- since I stopped thinking about those kinds of things.

Of course that was when I was still head over heels (or hills or whatever the expression is ‘m too lazy to google right now, sorry) for Phoenix so I only concentrated on one person and not the whole bunch of people who couldn’t care less about me. But now I’m really done with that. I’m ready to close that chapter of my life but it’s hard, you know? I can’t help that whenever we talk on WhatsApp, I get really happy and excited and my heart just warms up. I can’t help that there’s always that feeling deep inside- that relentless feeling- that still has feelings for her. And boy is it annoying! On results’ day I met her by chance and as usual, I stuck to her like glue and went back to the hall so she could collect her results instead of leaving with my own and meeting my cousin as planned. I then met my other friends and I wanted to talk to them but Phoenix had to go because her girlfriend was waiting outside. I felt a pang of something but I said bye and let her go without me. There was no way I was gonna hang around with her girlfriend. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but her girlfriend went to our high school. We had English together. So did Phoenix. I never really liked her that much because I thought she looked down on me. What made that day worse is that I bumped into Phoenix when I was leaving the college and she was with her and some others. Thank goodness her girlfriend had her back to me, It would hurt to look at her face. Her hair was really nice though. Really really nice. As if my hair, I mean day, wasn’t bad enough.

So now, even though I am getting over it, I still want to be in a relationship. To get my mind off everything and just chill. To be able to be happy for my friend.

But you know, there has to be more to life. I don’t want to put my faith in dating to make life more exciting. True, it would make life more exciting, but I don’t think it’s the kind of excitement I’m looking for. I just want to make the most of every day and live life to the full. Try new things. Go to new places. Learn more about myself and the world. Get closer with my friends (in an extrememly platonic way- I don’t want this emotions rollercoaster I experienced thanks to my undying- and I MEAN UNDYING– love for Phoenix) and actually hang out with them! Instead of being a loner at home all the time because it’s easier that way.

But you know, I’m only 17 and I’ve got extremely strict parents. What can I actually do? My parents want me to be at home 24/7 and even if they don’t I have nowhere to go. Even though I’ve sort of gotten over my fear of opening my mouth and letting words come out instead of silence, I’m no social butterfly and my friends are very limited. And going places costs money! I’ve spent over £50 this holiday and I’m still recovering from my last bank statement.

But I guess there’s no harm in trying to get out of the house. I could force my friends to introduce me new people and I could wave my results in front of my parents face if I get invited to a party or something. I don’t know. I shouldn’t think about all the stuff I’m not doing and want to be doing. I should just focus on making myself happy and living each day to the full (and not sleeping in till the afternoon)

So the question: ‘Is the more to life?’

Answer? : ‘Most definitely.’

Of course, I knew that.

The real question is: ‘Is there more to my life?’

And the answer? : ‘There will be, if I make the effort.’

I can definitely live my life to the full without a boyfriend/girlfriend and it’s time I start believing in myself and not this imaginary Schrödinger’s person.

I’ve realised all I need is a little bit of confidence.

A little bit of confidence can go a long way.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Partners in Crime Reunite?

Two posts in a day! WHOOP! This was actually meant to go with my last post but I don’t like it when my posts exceed a certain limit. Nice and short is how I like my posts- niiiice and shooooooorrrtt.

Over study leave and during exams, I got to hang out with Phoenix a lot. And Phoenix is awesome so naturally I was sad when college resumed and we had to go our separate ways (you know what I mean). She’s always in the art department and I’m always… not. So on Monday I decided to gather enough courage to ask to hang out with her. She, being the awesome friend she said we should totally hang out but if it was okay to meet her in one of the art rooms cause she had some coursework to do. So while she worked, I was content in just watching her and doing random crap on one of the computers. At one point we went hang with the some other people who do art or the like. It was a little awkward because apart from two of them (and Phoenix, of course), I had never talked to them much or ever before. Even so they were nice and one of the girls shared her party rings with me so yeah, it’s hard not to enjoy yourself when you get free food and watch funny and disturbing horror film trailers.

Anyway, whilst I was there, Grace walked in a couple of times. I never said a word to her. In fact, at one point, I was in that art computer room by myself and she was the only one in the room and that still never urged me to talk to her. She didn’t say anything to me in particular. At least nothing I remember.

Since that Monday I got sort of accustomed to that room. I mean I can chill in there and do whatever and no one asks questions or tells me to get lost so I just go there sometimes. Hence why I was there when I made my Left-handed Girl post. Actually I think that was on Monday…

So, one day, Tori and I were chilling in the art computer room and we literally just sat there and played games. I was playing Pepper Panic on Royal Games so I hardly paid attention to anyone- even when Tori was talking to me (I know, I’m so rude…) When I was in the middle of a game I thought would go well, Grace came from out of nowhere and asked me how I was. I said fine and nothing else. I didn’t ask her how she was because I reckoned she didn’t really mean it in that much of a friendly way. I mean, she’s said hi to me before when we were in close proximity for some reason so I didn’t take much notice of it. Also… I was playing Pepper Panic! (Sue me!)

When she continued talking, I realised that this wasn’t one of those random ‘how do you do’s. She started speaking to me normally as we did in high school. She was talking to me about her predicted grades and how she doesn’t know how she did better in drama than art and stuff like that. I was listening but I must’ve looked so rude because I looked totally disinterested when really I was just too focused on winning lots of jewels that day. When I WASN’T playing though, I realised that I was talking almost like normal only that my voice was a little flat because this is a girl I haven’t talked to for over a year acting like we’re amigas.

But you know, even though I had a face that said “Hmm, so it took you a year to finally come and properly talk to me, huh?”, I was secretly happy inside. A little big-headed, but mostly glad that we were talking. Because in truth I really missed her. I missed hanging out with her and laughing we her and having stupid pointless debates. I mean I gotten over that chapter of my life and I won’t die if we don’t become partners in crime once again, but it would be nice if we did, you know. I won’t wish for it, but if it’s meant to happy, I want it to happen. If she genuinely wanted to be friends again, for us to be that comedy duo again (Her being the funny (wo)man and me being the (not so) straight (cis-)man), then yeah! Let it be! At least this time, if Grace goes away again, I won’t be so weak about it. But, if it does happen, it probably means that Grace realises just how special our relationship was.

But this is all hypothetical. I’m quite content playing Pepper Panic for the time being. :3


(A more accurate representation of the difference in our height)

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Back From The Dead

Okay, so three days after I made the last post, I was on my computer, still a little morose, when all of a sudden it started shutting down. It didn’t mean anything to me because that sort of thing happens sometimes. Especially if I haven’t shutdown in a long time. After it finished installing the updates and shutting down, I turned it on but instead of loading windows, all I got was this:

When my laptop died

That’s right, I got the


And at that point, my heart went from being broken to being shattered.

But now it’s back from the dead again after getting it wiped clean of the virus that took over. I still had some of my stuff but some programs were deleted and my settings depersonalised so I spend some time setting the background to anime pictures, my screen saver to anime pictures, installing Office, installing antivirus etc.. At around six my computer wanted to install some updates. I was a little scared but figured it was going to do it at some point so I went ahead and shut it down.

And guess what it said

Installing 1 of 196 updates.

I had to leave it overnight but I stupidly closed my laptop so when I went to bed so it made no progress…

But at least it was working and I got some programs back 🙂 And no more malfunctioning!! 😀

I’ve been pretty busy since then since my exams are just around the corner but now I’m taking a two hour break so I am able to make a post.


Anyway, not much has happened since the last post except for one big thing.

It was a spur of the moment thing and pretty painful but I did it nonetheless.

When my mum came home, she heard me talking to my friend Cloud. I was telling Cloud what happened cause I knew I had to talk to someone about it before I continued my half-sobbing-half-singing. When I came down to greet my mum (cause my parents hate it when you don’t) she saw my face and demanded to know what happened. So I told her that the person I liked had a girlfriend and she went on to say how I shouldn’t get involved with boys, how they only want one thing yada yada yada. You know- the usual. I tried telling her it was different but she said all boys were like that. She asked if I was going out with ‘him’ and I said no and she was like, ‘Then why are you crying? It’s not like he broke up with you.’

As the conversation dragged out, I felt that I should just tell her the truth. I can’t remember my reason for doing so, but I hate keeping secrets so I told her that the person I liked went to my high school to indicate that it was, indeed, a girl (Went to an all girl’s high school). My mum then thought that I meant that a friend from my high school introduced me to the guy I liked. I kept giving her more clues, making it more obvious each time but my mum either just didn’t understand or wouldn’t believe what she was hearing. Then I tried a different approach.

I told her that my friend Phoenix got a girl friend. Her exact words were: “That’s terrible!” Exact words… That made it even harder to get the next words out. While she was thinking I was upset that Phoenix was bi, I finally told her that I liked Phoenix and the shock on my mum’s face made me want to run away. And I did run away upstairs and after a while I came back and we continued our conversation.

My mum said the things I expected her to:


“So you’re a lesbian.”

“Do you think that’s what God wants?”

“So you’re sexually attracted to women?”

“Do you know how women have sex?”

“Does that mean when you’re married to a man, you will be dating a woman at the same time?” (She asked that when I said I was bi (???))

“I just can’t believe it…”


I was standing some distance away from her, my face burning the way it was about a year when I told Ann. I did laugh at some point when she said stupid stereotypes and when she talked about sex I was like: “Whoa, please don’t go into that subject, mum…”

But the weird thing was that after we finished the conversation, feeling a little embarrassed and vulnerable, I brought up another subject, something I had to ask her (I won’t go through the details) and we started talking about that and we were talking like normal. Even after that day, we were talking like normal- her complaining at me and me trying not to lose my temper, or us talking and laughing and making jokes. I did ask her, that same day, if she hates me because I’m bi. She said that it was my decision and she can’t hate me because of it. One time when I was telling her about a friend at college, and how we went to the same high school but we’re becoming closer now, she joked and said, “So now you’ve moved on from Phoenix and have a new lover?” Actually I’m not sure if she was joking because she said “You never know when it comes to you, Peanut.”, but she I knew she was purposely making fun of me as per usual so I guess everything’s good. Also she hasn’t told anyone which I appreciate because normally she opens her mouth at the first opportunity she gets.

Yep… that’s my mum for you.


I don’t know if I’ll ever tell my dad, because my dad is the understanding one (most of the time, anyway) and if he gets angry or disappointed, I wouldn’t know what to do. I’d probably regret it. As for my sister… that would be super awkward.

Oh well, I think about it later. For now, it’s time to watch anime. (I know what you’re thinking, but I am NOT obsessed with anime.)

Maybe my next post will feature Phoenix. Maybe not. Oh! And it my feature my new hobby- programming!


~EpicCupcake signing out.

Just My Luck…


Sorry, I’m not in a good mood so this post is gonna be a little morose.

So now I know what heartbreak feels like.

It’s not nice.

It’s horrible.

God, it’s making me feel so empty and hollow.

Today I just found out that Phoenix is actually going out with someone. For four months now.

When I initially heard, I was with my friends cause one of my friends was telling me, because she had forgotten that I had a crush on her.

I kept my cool. I didn’t burst into tears. My friends were all like ‘Are you alright?’ and I was like ‘Oh well, I knew she didn’t like me in the first place so there’s no need to be miserable about it.’. And that really surprised me because soon after, I walked off to my maths lesson and kept my head on the table the whole time while I cried silently.

This went on for the rest of the day. Me being miserable. In my bio lesson I tried to cheer up a bit, and I did, but literally after that I really couldn’t hold it in for much longer.

I pasted Phoneix on the way out of college. She said hi. I had to say hi back despite the fact I dashed out of my lesson to avoid seeing her (you know, so I wouldn’t burst into tears right there on the spot). It was even worse when I played my music like I normally do to and from college and it started playing ‘Happy Together’. A song that would remind me of her. That really didn’t help things.

I managed to hold most of it in till I got home and it literally just all burst out and I was crying and crying and my music was playing and then I was crying and singing and wailing and feeling bad for the neighbours and… gosh…

I guess it’s my fault for falling so deeply for her. I was practically in love with her. I really was. And even though I’m trying to resolve to move on, I know part of me wont let me. No, not part of me- all of me. I know it’s unhealthy to have these lingering feelings but I just can’t help it! It’s her fault for being so perfect and awesome and beautiful. :/

Aaaaaaaaahhhh moooouuuuu… I don’t feel like crying anymore. I have to watch some anime or something…

Happy Friday the 13, everyone… This is just my luck.

~EpicCupcake, signing out.

A Whole New Woooooorld!



Fun fact- I wrote a story in which two of the main characters sing this song. It is actually hard to incorporate music in stories unless you’re just describing the music in abstract ways…

Fun fact 2- This post has nothing to do with the Disney song… or Chitanda…

Today someone called me while I was in college. It was Specsavers. It turned out my fresh new shiny glasses were ready. So after school I called them and this lady picked up. I gave her my name and date of birth… and then gave it about five more times. I have to say, I felt uncomfortable announcing my personal details on the bus. After I had to call out each number slowly, one after another, she finally told me that, yes, my glasses were ready. I asked if I could come now and what time they closed. She said 6. As I was midway through the word thank you, she hung up. This was not the first she’s done that. Oh well. The man that gave me the glasses in the opticians was polite enough.

When I first but on the glasses, I didn’t really notice a difference because I wasn’t paying attention, but after he told me to look around, I felt like I had entered a whole new world. Everything was clear and sharp and bright and beautiful! When I was walking home through this quiet area, listing to my playlist that happened to be playing ‘Dream a Little Dream of Me’. I felt as if I was walking through a fairy tale, and I looked everywhere and at everything with awe and wonder and I wondered how I was living life before. I know they’re just glasses. But to me they’re like magic glasses and they’ll continue to be until my eyes get worse again.

Man, I never realised how blind I was…

(Pssst! Hyouka fans, click here for 10 min KININARIMASU challenge! Can you handle the entity that is Chitanda?)

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Because I’m Stupid 2

Sir, yes, Sir!

EpicCupake reporting for duty!

Wow! Another post today? Go me!

So I’m finally back from my first volunteering experience in a shop. I was at the tip ALL DAY and let me tell you it is hard work. I mean, sometimes I’m just sitting there and there are no customers or just a few ‘window shopping’, but then other times there will be customer after customer and I was at the till by myself and I had absolutely no idea how to use it. The girl before me showed me the ropes, but it was all very confusing. There were a million and one buttons, so many codes to enter… The wasn’t bar codes or anything on donated goods so most of it I had to select what it was and write the price. Which was actually quite difficult because I didn’t know what anything was. I couldn’t tell if some clothes where men’s or women’s or children’s, I couldn’t tell what to putt hoodies and cardigans under. At some point I just selected random stuff and it didn’t really matter because most people didn’t care for receipts.

There was this one lady who I felt sorry for. She was only buying something one pound and I pressed the wrong thing on the till and there’s no return button and I was panicking and the lady just eventually gave me the pound and said it was okay, that she didn’t need a receipt. I was relieved… until I realised I had to sort out this son of a till for the next customer. Hahhhhhhhhhhhhhh… It was tiring…

There was this other lady who kept making me call the manager and I felt so bad because the bell was so loud and annoying and (because of this customer) constant. I also failed yet again when this lady asked if she could wrap up the plate and I started panicking because I had no idea what to use. So I called the manager yet again and she said to use the newspaper under the till. I smiled awkwardly and told her I wasn’t really sure how to wrap it. I don’t think she got what I was hinting at (as well as blatantly saying) so in the end the woman had to wrap it herself. At least she was nice about it.

I remember at one point the manager came to ask me a favour. I thought she wanted me to help with the stock in the back or something, but then I saw her writing something on a piece of paper:

Chicken nuggets


…She was writing her lunch order. I had to go to the fish and chip shop and buy her lunch… I hope she didn’t my bewildered expression. She probably did. I just couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t angry, just really surprised. And while I was in that chip shop smelling the golden brown chips as they cooked, I felt like punching myself. I hadn’t brought any lunch. I hadn’t brought any money. The last time I had eaten was about nine. I WAS STARVING. I didn’t leave till sometime past five and it was cold and raining and the bus times were deceiving me and I was just so hungry!

I can be so stupid sometimes.

But there were donuts and dinner waiting for me at home 🙂

That’s enough for today.

I’m exhausted.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Finally Giving In / The Dreaded E-word / Three Evil Exes

That’s it. I’ve had enough.

This is HALF TERM. Why am I spending it doing revision 24/7? It’s Saturday and in a few hours from now, I’m going to head down to my current volunteering placement thingy in Cancer Research UK. I was really nervous when I was heading over there, but the manager seemed (surprisingly) young and had this huge aura of niceness so I feel a little calmer now. I think I’m just gonna slack of this morning. Revision is seriously getting to me…

You know it’s really hard to balance your school work with all this extracurricular stuff, volunteering and placements. I went to the HealthCare club in my college where they had a talk about Personal Statements and more and now I’m just lost because one thing that kept coming up was ‘extracurricular activities’ and I was just thinking to myself:

‘I do… nothing…’

So now I’m sort of like freaking out and trying to look for stuff I can join and do and stuff, but it’s hard because I’m socially awkward. I know I’ve said over and over that it’s all about exposure to this kind of stuff but quite frankly the whole idea still scares me. And why wouldn’t it? Still I’m gonna try, I’m gonna scare myself into not being scared… if that makes sense.

I considered doing sports. Tori and I have been to the sports hall and played a bit of table tennis and badminton, but I’m not sure I want to do that. Just because I showed her my wrath in table tennis, she will never let that I lost to her in badminton go. I mean, when she talks about how hard maths is, she says:

‘I fail in maths like you fail in badminton.’ And then she laughs. Yes, thanks for that Tori. For highlighting my inability to play badminton. Actually, I think I’m quite good for someone who sucks at sport.

So sports is out of the question. (To be honest, it’s always been out of the question) but seriously, I don’t know what’s left. I used to play the piano, but stopped at grade 2 without doing the exam. I guess I could always say ‘I play the piano from time to time.’ but for some reason I can imagine them whipping out a piano from thin air and demanding me to play it.

But seriously, what else is there? I’m trying to join as many clubs as I can- like debate club for example. I know that sort of puts me in an awkward position- me standing up and screaming out my beliefs- but it seems kind fun and there are some occasions where my social anxiety fails to show up. Like when I did Annie back in primary school. I was Miss Hannigan and excuse my unmodest-ness  but I killed it. At that point I even considered acting as a career, as well as dancing, but I thought ‘no, I belong to science’.

I remember when I was righting the first draft of my CV and I was trying to think of what to write under hobbies. My real hobbies (other than blogging once a millennium) include reading manga and doujin, watching anime, j-dramas, k-dramas, t-dramas and countless E4 shows and there is absolutely no way I can write that without seeming like a TV addict and a Sofa Bear.

I saw this example CV they showed us in college and the person had written that they like the relax with a nice book and go on walks or something. Basic stuff like that. Not like ‘I’m an Olympic Archer and am part of a netball team, I help out in my local youth club and organise evens and perfect perfect perfect’.

I still have yet to touch my CV. I don’t really want to see it for a while…

But forget about all that jazz. Today I want to focus on how many different endings I can get on sim date games by Pacthesis. I think my favourite has to be this one– you should play it; it’s very goooood XD If case you don’t know, a sim date or dating sim is a game where you have to get you relationship points up with a guy (or a girl, depending) so until you reach dating status and to win you have to win someones heart and stuff. Some can be so long and it’s so rewarding when you win. I once played this one called pico sim date. IT WAS THE WORST. SERIOUSLY THERE IS NO WAY TO WIN. YOU CAN ONLY GO AFTER ONE GIRL (because the main character likes her) AND IF YOU TALK TO HER SOME EMO NINJAS COME AND ATTACK YOU AND IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU WORK OUT IN THE GYM, YOU CANT WIN. Moving on.

After hours of revision, I lost it one day I played the memory days sim date like a million times trying to get this ending and finally- I DID IT!

Three Evil Exes

To get this ending, you have to date all three boys and then break up with them, without becoming friends again and now that I think about it, I can’t believe how hard it was to get there. Once I was close but became friends withthe last guy after saying ‘I just want to be friends’. I thought that would make him hate me for sure, but we became friends… Then I got this ending:

The three evil exes ending was funny though. In the end, the whenever the girl gets another boyfriend, her three evil exes drive him away. Apparently, they still really like her. Even though she broke their hearts. Like, stamped on them. It took a lot of will power to get this ending…

That’s enough for this post, before I digress again.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to do something extremely productive

Read book (yaoi)


Seme wa dare? And where are your spiky teeth, Rin? 😦



…What did I just see…?

Heehee 😀

~EpicCupcake signing out.

MAN VS MACHINE!!! / Social Anxiety: Independence

More like an asthmatic girl against a double-decker bus…

One day I was on my way to college and my bus went on diversion. I didn’t think this was a big deal because I knew it was gonna end up in the same place. What I didn’t know was how long the ‘little detour’ was. And I ended up getting to my next bus stop late. I saw the bus was coming in two minutes and thought ‘I can make that!’ …I couldn’t. The bus times had failed me yet again.

It was nearing eight o’clock and I knew if I didn’t catch a bus within five minutes, there would be literally no point. Past eight o’clock the bus stop gets crowded with other colloege students pushing and shoving in a desperate attempt to make it to their 8:30 lesson (That’s right. I said 8:30). I checked the times… The bus was coming in… 12 minutes.

At that point I stomped all the way to my college muttering to myself how I should’ve gotten another bus and how I left so early on to be running to college. It occured to me that the bus might actually pass me if I walked and the thought of that made me more and more determined to get there before the bus. Something about seeing the bus I didn’t wait for, because I thought I get to college earlier if I walked, drive straight past me… No, I wouldn’t stand for that. So I picked up the pace and somehow, without running even once, I made it. I had beat the bus. And while I knew I wouldn’t get an applause or flowers or a trophy, I still felt like I’d achieved the impossible. I felt like a gold medalist.

And it somehow got me through the day without punching a wall or something.

So, how’s it been lost travelers of the internet? I have been absent from WordPress and I’ve explained many times how I wouldn’t be able to post as frequently because of the whole business of sorting out my future career. You know.. A levels, volunteering, work experience… I even started my CV!

But as much as I want to do Pharmacy in uni (that’s what I’m sticking with now. Not Medicine.) this preparation is really depressing me. Seriously, I woke up today I felt like I couldn’t be bothered to do life. I just wanted to sleep all day and forget that I’m getting closer and closer to adulthood everyday. Urgh. I wish I was still a kid and could spend my half term playing Poptropica all day…

I’m getting more and more independant everyday and getting more and more responsibilities, and while I feel proud of myself from migrating away from my old little shy dependant self, I can’t help but miss the days when I depended more on adults. I mean I have five appointments next week. All of which I must take myself to. Then I must also go about looking for a volunteering oppurtunity, by myself, and even talk during my old school’s curriculum evening. I’d have to talk to perhaps up to 150 parents of year 9 students about GCSEs and the thought of that scares the life out of me. It would be okay if I was talking to the students. My social anxiety has died down a little to let me do something like that only feeling a little nervous, but talking to parents?! Just thinking about it makes me almost wet myself. But hey, I’ve promised myself to put myself out there, because I know that exposing myself to uncomfortable social situations is the only way I’ll grow and eventually rid myself of this persistent thing I like to call social awkwardness.

When looking for volunteering opportunities, I first looked for ones that weren’t too scary. Nothing where I’d be placed in an awkward social situation. But now I’ve realised it’s pointless. If you really want to rid social anxiety or shyness, you have to face your fear head on. That’s what I’ve learnt and doing that really helps. I mean, I was able to book an optician’s appointment without saying the word ‘um’ even once! I was even the one who called them. I willingly called them, whereas in the past I’d only call after my mum shouts “Just pick up the phone! They’re not gonna kill you for goodness sake!” And even when I called them, I wasn’t nervous and it wasn’t actually that scary. I don’t care what anyone says, that was a great improvement.

I’ll say this again and again until my exams are over- I won’t be able to post as frequently. If I haven’t posted for a month- don’t worry I’m probably not dead. My exams are in may so after Easter I won’t be posting anything. Unless something really interesting happens and I have a little time to post.

Till next time!

~EpicCupcake signing out.