Not Gonna Lie, It’s Hard Work

Wasssuuuup?

Just kidding.

Hey there, it’s been a while. I’ve been kind of avoiding writing a post for a while now. So much so that I failed to write anything for the whole of October. This is me just letting you know I’m still alive and kicking. Well that and other stuff, which I will be moving on to now,

Moving swiftly on.

So if you want to know what I’ve been up to, I’ve just been spending the last month fretting over my UCAS and, more importantly, my personal statement. My college deadly was two days ago so that will probably tell you that I’ve already shipped it off (well to my form tutor first to attach my reference and then to UCAS and then to universities!

I am suuuuper nervous and my brain keeps telling me that my personal statement isn’t good enough. I’m really really really hoping for an unconditional offer. I’m hoping my predicted grades and my AS grades will persuade them. Fingers crossed!

But that’s all I’m saying about academic stuff. I can’t keep talking about it. I don’t like college that much.

No, I want to talk about (write, er… type, rather) friendship and a certain person I happen to be friends with.

I always used to wonder why it is that I can count the number of friends I have on my fingers, or why I’ve never gone to parties and such- like house parties. It’s probably due to the fact that I’m not that invested in people. I just don’t care that much about people so I never really make an effort. This is really clear to me now. I can see it in my day to day interactions. I love being by myself. Doing activities alone rather than in pairs and not just because I’m scared I won’t have anyone to work with. I don’t care about others to the extent that I don’t even know half of the people in my class and 3/4 of people’s names. In fact, I probably know the names of about 5 people in my maths class and these people are people I’ve had classes with as well as the guy who sits next to me. It’s so bad that for the first month back I had to double check my timetable to make sure I was entering the same class each time. I did that last year too. Now I just look for certain people.

So yeah, I don’t care about people. Not that if someone was hurt or something I wouldn’t care. It’s more like, I don’t care about socialising with people. So this made me a little confused when I came to be friends with… let’s call him Mochi.

So Mochi and I work in the same charity shop- that’s how we met. He’s actually the dude I mentioned in my last post. I only realised I wrote about him before about halfway into this post so forgive me if I repeat myself. So back to the story. We’d somehow only met each other months after both him and I started working there. We both work Saturdays and I start when he finishes (I basically take over the till from him) so that’s probably why, though nowadays I always meet him before he leaves so that’s weird.

Anyway, when I met Mochi, I instantly liked him. He’s just got this nice refreshing vibe that most people don’t have. I’m not entirely sure what it was in particular that gave me that impression. Despite this, I didn’t go ahead and jump in and try to be his friend. I’m a bit reserved and I don’t really know what the protocol is for ‘jumping in and trying to be someone’s friend’ so I stuck to exchanging greetings. It was only when he started talking to me about college and we found out we were going (or about to go as this was before the school year started) to the same college. He was going to be my first kouhai of some sort but you know, I kind of wanted it to be more than that.

So I tried a little harder than I would for most people. After I was sure I wasn’t mistaking him for someone else, I began talking to him whenever I saw him. This was quite hard for me because I’m used to pretending I didn’t see someone to avoid them for reasons probably linked to my poor social skills. I still have those moments when I avoid him. I think I did it yesterday actually… Still, I’m trying harder than I normally do so it’s a start at least.

When we used to bump into each other we’d start by saying hi and then I’d sort of panic because I wouldn’t know what to say next and I wouldn’t know whether to keep walking or stop and talk which led to awkward moments of silence where I stare at him and smile awkwardly waiting to see what he’d do next. It would be suuuper awkward and I’d spend the whole day thinking about it and feeling stupid as I normally do when I make interpersonal fails.

But one day I caught him in the library and mustered up the courage to sit next to him and talk/read. This was especially hard for me because I quite frankly I don’t know what level of intimacy needs to be achieved before you can invite yourself to hang out with someone. I took a chance anyway and when I did, all I was thinking suddenly felt stupid. I mean, we’re talking about sitting next to someone and talking. We’ve talked standing up many times and once sitting down ages ago. Sorry, I feel like I have to apologise for the way I’m viewing everything. You’ve probably never met another human who thinks like this.

Even though I called Mochi my friend in the last post, I wasn’t entirely sure if we had reached the status of ‘friends’ and I didn’t want to ask him because I felt that had needy and desperate connotations- both extremely unattractive vibes. I felt like he was my, as Cloud would say, fracquaintance. And while that was all nice and good, I wasn’t really interested in gaining another fracquaintance. I wanted a friend. So I decided to get to know him a little better.

Yesterday, I caught him walking out of college with a friend and I was going to pretend I hadn’t seen him because I was feeling awkward but after a while I ended up right behind him and I had already avoided him once that day, like I said earlier, so I went and said hi. We spoke briefly but he was already talking to his friend before I can so I figured it was only polite to let them talk. I pretended to check stuff on my phone while I walked beside him. When we parted ways with his friend, I had intended to walk but Mochi was going to take the bus. Normally, I’d pick going my way alone but I decided that I’d follow Mochi since we took the same bus. He brought up a random topic which we talked about until the bus came (well, that and UCAS because that’s kind of my life now) and I sort of felt closer to him because he shared stuff about himself. It was the kind of conversation I’d have with my own friends- my closest friends- before we all became boring on account of UCAS and A levels taking over our lives.

On the bus I attempted to steer the conversation away from UCAS and more towards ourselves. I learnt a bit about him. I already knew he was an avid reader and writes like me, but I didn’t know he was working on a novel in lieu of revising for NaNoWriMo which he has promised to let me read and I will hold that against him until he lets me read it. I didn’t know he was planning on studying History in uni (but that’s sort of to do with UCAS so…) I also learnt his last name and stupidly didn’t think to tell him my own. Oddly enough, our surnames only differ by two letters. (Two extra letters on my part most probably) We talked mostly about reading and writing but I think they’re a big part of his life and I’m glad because they’re a big part of my life too. Finally, a fellow writer! If only he watched anime…

After that little bonding moment on the bus, I did generally feel closer to him and perhaps he felt the same way because I saw him this morning and he so kindly walked me to my bio lesson shielding me from the unforgiving British rain with his life saving umbrella (okay, going into story writing mode…) I think that was a particularly intimate thing- not necessarily in a romantic sense but in a friendship sort of… sense. Sorry, I didn’t know how to word that.

This whole friendship making biz is hard work for someone like me, not gonna lie. My avoidant personality makes life kinda hard but I guess if you really want it, you’ll work for it and when you get it, it really pays off. I think I can safely say Mochi and I are friends. How close we are is another story and that will take more analysis because unfortunately I’m not good at sensing those kind of things. I’ve gotten things wrong before- thinking I’m closer to someone when in truth we’re not that close so it’s like a detective game of some sort. You have to look for the clues. Let’s hope I’ll find them!

This post is all over the place. I never really started with any sort of structure in mind so I apologise for that as well. I just had to write so I wrote (typed). Unfortunately I must finish here because it’s too late to talk about ‘that other thing’ that I was going to mention. It’s pretty important in my whole ‘story’ so I will definitely mention it at some point, BUT for now, I must end here.

Er… almost forgot how to end this.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Wrong Body, Right Mind

Okay, I don’t know if it’s just my laptop but WordPress refuses to use the background and headers I uploaded on BOTH of my blogs and now I’m getting pissed…

I miss my little cupcakes 😥

Enough with my own problems; I’m here to talk (type) about something more important than malfunctioning websites (or hackers… *Narrows eyes*)

So I wonder if you can actually get the topic of this post just by the title. I’ll give you 5 seconds…

five…

four…

threetwoone

So today’s topic is about transgenderism (I don’t know why the red squiggly line is appearing- I’m pretty sure it’s a word) and transsexuality. (Seriously what’s with the squiggly lines? It actually came up for the word ‘blogs’ as well…)

Recently I started reading a comic I was stalling for a long time. I guess the long text and the lack of yaoi/slash was getting to me. But now I’ve picked it up again and I am OBSESSED. I HAVE BEEN READING IT NONSTOP but I stopped at chapter 20 because I was getting close to the latest page and that would mean days of waiting in agony. Just the thought of knowing I have a few chapters left makes me feel relieved even if I’m still waiting in agony. Funny, huh? But I digress. Anyway, let me tell you a bit about this comic.

Rain is a a webcomic drawn by Jocelyn Samara about a trans girl called Rain (That’s her in the middle with one eye) She moves to a new town with her Aunt Fara (the one on the far left with the red hair and huge smile) so she can start afresh, living life as the girl she was always meant to be. As you probably would have guessed, she makes quite a bit of friends along the way, a lot of which belong to the LGBTQ+, who learn of her secret but accept her anyway and support her. It’s about the good times, the bad times, the funny time, the sad times- everything you’d expect in a story about an average teenage girl… in a boy’s body.

You should go ahead and read it if you like LGBTQ+ stuff or if you want to learn more about it or to just enjoy a good story. Well it’s not like I’m trying to sell it or anything and it’s not a review or anything.

By the way, did you notice what Jocelyn did with the umbrellas? I think it’s pretty neat. If you didn’t- click here and you will. I guarantee.

Anyway, after reading the comic I think I began to understand transsexuality and stuff a lot better. Even me who is pretty much obsessed with lgbt, realised I was a lot more ignorant than I thought. I never really understood how much pain and hurt people go through- being in the wrong body. Having a body that doesn’t agree with your gender- the very sex of your brain. Yes, brains have sex. (I actually saw this line on a website and actually burst out laughing. Seriously, what is wrong with me?) Trans people try so hard to pass and it really is tough.

People, myself included (at least before), may think that you can just get a sex change and everything will be hunky-dory but I’ve realised it’s not that simple. I mean you have to find a therapist, be on hormones which you have to take for quite a long time before you see drastic changes, while you in the meanwhile have to make sure you keep as healthy as possible and I mean healthy so your body doesn’t freak with the sudden influx of hormones that are battling against the ones you are making and then, of course the surgery, And there are a lot of health risks; even cancer, heart attacks and er… death- and those are associated with the hormones, or so I’ve read. I’m not an expert in this, just so you know. I’m only just learning.

And you know, even during transition, you still have to live your life as usual. Which would be hunky-dory if it weren’t for the fact that people are a-holes. I was shocked to learn that people actually KILL people for trying to be true to themselves and to other people. I don’t know about you but I can’t really understand that. Then again, I never really understood discrimination… It just really saddens me and I wonder how scared I would be if I were ever in that situation.

If someone had a girlfriend/boyfriend who actually came out as trans, they would most probably be upset they didn’t tell them, if not already disgusted by the fact that they actually dated a ‘dude’/’girl’. I guess I’d understand why someone would be upset; they’d probably feel betrayed being lied to, or maybe just upset they didn’t trust them enough to tell them. But the fact of the matter is that if they are trying to live as they truly are, why should they go around tell people that their body is different? Why would they. Being that way makes people so upset that some even commit suicide, so it makes sense that they’d want to forget about it and move on with their lives. I surely don’t want to tell people that I was used to be rude bitch with anger-management problems. I’ve moved on with my life and I hate it when people bring it up. In fact I felt a little pain typing that sentence.

The only time I think it’s appropriate to inform your partner is when you are engaged. Maybe a bit before then even, but you know marriage is along the way. My main reason for that is sex and having children. I feel if you can’t have children due to complications, you ought to let your partner know beforehand. A plus side, I believe, is if you tell them and they still love you as much as before, then that proves they’re most probably the one.

There’s also something else I learnt yesterday that sort of cured me of my ignorance, the one that both surprised me and didn’t. I read somewhere that due to the level of certain hormones, or an imbalance of hormone (I failed to remember this part, sorry…) during an important part of the development of a baby’s brain, certain parts are changed. If the sex of the baby is a boy, it’s possible that the hormones can actually change the sex of the brain! Other parts of the body would most probably be unaffected as they aren’t as sensitive as the brain. It actually turns out a boy brain and a girl brain are actually wired differently- if I read correctly. It could me more accurate diagnoses and perhaps a ‘cure’ for the disorder, although I doubt anyone would want a cure like that because despite all the pain and suffering of living with the wrong body and the time and effort you put into transitioning- it’s worth it in the end, I think. Worth more than deleting who you are- your very essence, just so you can be what society calls normal. Rather, you could probably think of transitioning as a cure in itself. It means you stop being this weird girl trapped in a boy/ boy trapped in a girl and start being the girl/boy you are- both inside and out. Which is awesome.

The author/artist of Rain is trans too and she posts updates about her transition too. In her before picture- before transitioning- she doesn’t look too happy, looking like a man and all, but in the after picture, and pictures after that, she’s all smiley and happy (and really pretty if I do say so myself :3 ). If that’s not a cure then I don’t know what is. Here’s a pic of her actually.

She reminds me of my maths teacher… Maybe it’s the glasses. Or maybe it’s the smile.

Sorry this is a long post and it’s suddenly out of the blue and all over the place, but I felt I had to. I’m not that convinced many people know much about transsexuality and unless you’re trans yourself, you’ll never fully understand what it’s like. I just hoped I helped improve your understanding. If I’ve gotten anything wrong on here, it’s either because I got one hour’s sleep last night and am not that awake, or because I’ve misunderstood anything. If you notice a mistake, please please please tell me as soon as you can. Otherwise, please share this to whoever you can and improve people’s understanding so we can all live much better ignorant free lives- or at least close to that.

For more, reliable info, take a look at transsexual.org. That’s where I got most of the information from. They’ve got tooooons of info, and even goes into a lot of detail of the transition process. The rest of my current knowledge from reading comics and other stuff so please don’t judge me.

Well, that’s all for now, folks! I’m hungry… And I want my cupcakes back… Wait… did I just make a funny?

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Social Anxiety: Fed up

Forget revision- I’m sick of it…

After having a good cry in my room, I decided that this would be the perfect time to write a post…

So…

Yeah…

This is a little awkward…

Well, basically I’m just fed up, as the title states, because of my inability to socialise. This feeling arose as I was hanging out with my long time primary school friends. (which is quite ironic in a way…) We went to this place near central London to ice skate. It was fun. I mean, sure, I fell over a number of times, but at the end, I felt like all the professional (except from the fact that they were all doing all these fancy tricks and stuff)

But really it was after the ice skating, when we sat down and relaxed in the park, when I started to feel fed up with myself. My friends started talking about parties and boys and exciting experiences they had. They talked about their other friends and their friendship groups. They starting to talk about movies, music and tv shows, and being the lame person that I am, I couldn’t contribute anything to the conversations except useless crap and in the time that I was silent, I began to think about myself and- brace yourself, this will be lame- how I don’t really fit into any friendship group, have I’ve never been to parties, how I’ve never talked to boy, how I clam up when I’m near one, how I’ve never flirted with a boy, how I don’t leave my house often, how lame I am, how non-epic my social life is, how I can’t even make eye contact, how invisible I am, how not interesting I am, and how this list can go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon…

So this is the conclusion of the thoughts:

I. AM. LAME.

There’s no doubt about it. Don’t try and tell me otherwise like my friends did. You will be wasting your time.

I want to be different, so I thought about some of the things I want to achieve:

  1. Make more friends.
  2. Try not to look scary.
  3. Befriend boys.
  4. Join a club/group and meet new people.
  5. Get a boyfriend.
  6. Try not to depend on Grace.
  7. Get out of my house more often.
  8. Stop being such an otaku.
  9. Be a person that people listen to and like to be around.

But of course there are a few problems:

  1. Make more friends.  I have a limited number of friends so it will be hard to make friends with my friends’ friends. Also, I’m shy and socially awkward and scared of meeting new people.
  2. Try not to look scary. I have a scary and pissed off default expression
  3. Befriend boys. Boys make me nervous.
  4. Join a club/group and meet new people.
  5. Get a boyfriend. Boys make me nervous. Also, I am an unpleasant person. Also, I have no guy friends.
  6. Try not to depend on Grace. She’s the only close friend I have at school.
  7. Get out of my house more often. Why? People are scary. Plus, I’m lazy. Plus, I’m an otaku so it fits my nature.
  8. Stop being such an otaku. I love manga, anime, J-Dramas, Doujinshi, Yaoi etc.
  9. Be a person that people listen to and like to be around. I’m socially awkward, I don’t talk, I’m quite unpleasant, I’m boring, some people may believe I have anger management problems, I find people scary and I’m invisible, so that might just be impossible.

See the problem(s) I have?

A lot of the time, I believe I have some form of social anxiety, though I’ve never been diagnosed with it, nor do I believe what ever this is affects my life that much. Still, I don’t believe it’s not a bit problem. My inability to socialise haunts my thoughts daily and sometimes gets me into these depressive states which I just had earlier. And, I know this may be sad, but I have looked up how to overcome social awkwardness/anxiety/phobia and this question almost always appears.

Identify the reason of your fear

And I’m llike:

There’s a reason?

You see, I’ve never thought about a reason. Some reasons are like, ‘you are scared of saying/doing something embarrassing.’ and yeah, I am afraid of that, but is that really the reason I can’t talk to new people or any people at all or even make eye contact? I don’t know. I don’t know why! Is it just like my arachnophobia? A fear with no reason. Or maybe I just fear socialising itself? But that’s not it. I can socialise with my friends.

Or maybe I’m scared about not being accepted.

Maybe I’m scared about being left alone.

Maybe I’m scared about being invisible.

Maybe it’s because I strongly believe that people don’t like me and that’s why I don’t talk to them.

Or maybe it’s because I’m scared of being noticed and then picked on. I’m scared about revealing much about myself and being who I truly want to be due to a childhood trauma.

Maybe it’s all those things…

That’s a lot of ‘maybe’s.

I don’t know what it is, but once I find out what it is, I’ll be sure to do something about it, but for now, I’ll try:

  1. To smile more.
  2. To be nicer.
  3. To do more exercise (i won’t do this)
  4. To go for walks.
  5. To go out more with my primary school friends and other friends.
  6. To not look at the ground so much.
  7. To say hi to people more.
  8. To appear friendly.

Baby steps, my friend, baby steps…

I have to end this post; my brother is trying to eat me. No joke.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Agony Cupcake: Trying to fit in

I’m just gonna blab here…

In high school, you are with the  same people for five whole bloody years (I’m talking about the England, guys) and that means you want to have a good reputation so that people like you and won’t ignore you or bully you. Naturally, most teens are tempted by the delicious satisfaction of being accepted to they go to great lengths to make this happen. This means they:

  • Try to buy hip designer clothes
  • Listen to the latest songs
  • Start b*tchin about others
  • Start smoking/taking drugs (never saw it in my school though…)
  • Other things that I can’t remember

Now I used to try to keep up with the times and become a person that everybody liked. Now, I’m not a very social person and I like to spend most of my time reading manga, but nevertheless, I was pulled in to this bizarre craze because I didn’t start high school in a good way. I began to change myself and I didn’t even realise it.

Back in primary school I was a very sensitive person (still am) and I probably angry a lot. If someone made me angry, I told them and I wasn’t afraid to express my feelings . I was pretty straight forward, though I was a little shy. Of course, this meant that not many people liked me. In high school, I did care about my classmates but not really that much, but all of a sudden, their acceptance was all I longed for- to be one of them; to fit in.

I stopped expressing my feelings so much and held them in. I tried my best to only reveal others the good side of myself and to hide my true self in the shadows cast by my false new image. People accepted me, or so I thought.

I was living a delusion. I though I was accepted, one of them, but after a few years I realised I was wrong. I have a good friend, Grace- Grace Grassland- and we’re besties. We’d spend pretty much every moment of the day together, but whenever she was absent (which was rare because she had excellent attendance), I realised that I wasn’t ‘friends’ with everybody as I thought. I became to become the quiet, shy girlonce again.

At the same time, I realised that people were ignoring me, forgetting me as if I didn’t exist. And if that wasn’t enough, I found out that people had been bitching about me behind my back and saying that I’m cold, rude and that I always look pissed off but seriously, that’s just how my face is.

Normal FaceThis is how I look all the time.

Then things went wrong. I lost it and got angry at everything and shouted at everything and cried at everything and laughed at everything and I had no idea why. I threw things across the room and started ripping paper for no reason. I started saying things like:

Nobody loves me.

I’ll always be alone.

What’s wrong with me?

I was never happy.

Who am I?

I knew I wasn’t the person who was always cheerful- who always loved being with others etc. etc. Due to my fudged-up memory, I have no idea who ‘I’ am.

Maybe I’m just looking to far into things. Maybe that’s why I’m thinking in this strange way. Maybe…

Sorry for blabbing. But seriously, take my advice- always be yourself. Don’t try to ‘fit in’. What is ‘in’ anyway. It doesn’t mean everyone likes you. It probably means people are still b*tching about you, but instead of saying to your face, they say it behind your back.

I’ve had enough of ‘fitting in’. I’ve had enough of pretending that everyone likes me. I’ve had enough of trying to make others like me. They won’t like you unless they truely want to.

I want to be myself and you should too because that’s what makes you made you. That makes you real.

I’m sorry if this post seems all over the place. I guess that’s just how I feel inside.

Enough sadness, more epicness

Read book (yaoi)Let’s read some YAOI!

~EpicCupcake signing out.