Being Atopic- I’m Highly Sensitive

Not that kind of sensitive…

A kind of serious topic today. Not serious serious but not jokey either.

Today, for once, I looked up something other than personality disorders on health websites.Today I looked up atopic eczema and asthma. Quite some time ago, I had to do this first aid course in school during my P.E. lessons, since being in year 10 (or 11- can’t remember) and not being a P.E. GCSE student, there wasn’t much to do during that time. I felt kind of ashamed that, being the only one in that lesson with asthma, I hardly knew much about it. Same with eczema, though it’s more severe than my asthma so naturally I know more about it.

So, after doing two pieces of homework (yawn) I opened Google and started doing some research. A word I can across often was the word ‘atopic’. I knew what it meant but I didn’t have a solid definition. I found out it meant sensitive to allergens and indeed sensitive I was… and am… currently… I find it ironic that I’m both physically sensitive and emotionally sensitive…

Reading through the page on eczema (and by ‘reading through’ I mean watching a video and quickly skim reading) I didn’t learn much. Most of the stuff I had read or heard before. Still, I learnt a bit about how corticosteroids work and why they can increase blood pressure.

With asthma, I found out that the airway walls swell up due to some trigger which, surprisingly, can be stress or anxiety as well as allergens like dust. When I was learning about renal failure, transplants and dialysis in biology, I had some difficulty breathing which could have actually been caused by the fact that renal failure terrifies me. Not to mention I’m only a couple of months away from my final exams and have a whole truckload of knowledge that I must cram into my head before that time. Yikes…

But going back to eczema, I read about a list of complications that arise with people who are atopic- mainly behavioural problems. The first thing talked about was bullying and I can’t imagine someone bullying someone because they have eczema. Personally, I had never been bullied for that reason. Probably because my eczema affected discrete areas like the back of my knees or the inside of my elbow which were covered by my tights and jump etc. Though, in primary school, sometimes random children asked why I scratched so much and that did annoy me.

Though I kind of agree that eczema can affect you psychologically. Having severe eczema means you can’t do certain things that others can. I couldn’t swim in the ocean because my skin would start to burn, I couldn’t use any cream that isn’t prescribed, there are a lot of make up I can’t wear, I can’t have pets (I had rabbits and a hamster though. But, with my allergies, it was hard and I had to take extreme measures or else. I currently have no pets.), I can’t use bath soap or those cute little bath bombs or gels or whatever (I can’t even use Simple Soap!), I can’t eat certain foods and I can develop allergies randomly to things I’ve never been allergic to. Fish have always been against me. When I was younger, there were a couple of fish I couldn’t eat, but I could still eat stuff like sardines and tuna which I love, but I as I found fish that I didn’t react to, days later I would react to them and it’s horrible. Now I avoid all fish. Just being around cooked fish triggers my eczema. I will never be able to eat sushi with actual fish. It saddens me so… *sob*

The website also said something about sleep disturbance. I can certainly vouch for that. Earlier on this week, I had one of those nights where I think endlessly about something and whether I’m awake or asleep I’m not entirely sure. And then when I ‘wake up’ at about 3am in the morning, I realise I’m covered in rashes and that I had been scratching the entire night. It’s horrible really. That night I was thinking about Peripetie and how Schoenberg removed clarinets from the piece because they somehow caused controversy. That’s not true, of course, but for some reason that was all I could think about. Then for about half an hour or even up to an hour, I had to sit upright because it actually hurt to lie down. Eventually I gave into the pain and fell asleep, but I was grumpy in the morning. Like, really grumpy.

The next morning, I decide to take a slightly stronger antihistamine called chlorophenamine which I had taken regularly once and made me even more irritable than usual. I was already irritable after not getting any sleep that day and the medicine only made it worse.

Self-confidence was the last thing the website talked about and even though generally I have little confidence, if any at all, I’m not entirely sure how that could be cause by having eczema. Still, being atopic means that I’ve had to depend on my parents a lot and I am a very dependent person, though I don’t like to admit it. I can’t even imagine going to uni. I don’t want to go to a uni too far from London- too far from my parents. Even having eczema for 15 years, I’m not confident enough to manage it on my own. And it’s not like I can just have a lie-in every time I have a bad flare up. Eczema complicates my life, though not so much. I can’t even image how many new complications will arise by the time I’m living away from home. I don’t even want to think about it.

Well, I’ve kind of rambled here, but I wanted to talked about eczema and asthma and being atopic and stuff. It’s not something I talk about with other people. I’ve always thought it would just bother those who aren’t suffering from the same thing, or something just as serious.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

A Thought: Failure

My New Year Resolutions are proving to be tough, though the year only just started. As I though, I’ve already started to try and eat more vegetables and stuff and I did star jumps and sit ups yesterday, but I’m not really making progress on my social anxiety (if it is social anxiety, whatever this is…). I went out today to visit a family friend and for the whole time I was there, I didn’t speak to anyone except to say if I could have juice and what are my plans for the future etc. I pretty much just sat there.

I know it’s only the second of January and I shouldn’t really be worrying about this now, but not long ago my mum forced me to vacuum the house and as soon as I touched the vacuum cleaner, it broke. Just like that. I fixed it with some tape and it was fine to use but I got really mad, nonetheless and as I vacuumed, I rammed it into the wall repeatedly. I was angry because I break everything I touch. Of all the phones I’ve had, I’ve either smashed them or they’ve gone missing, all within a year of having them. I’ve never had a phone for more than a year. And they break in the most ridiculous ways. When I started high school, my dad got me my first phone. I smashed it with the car door when it accidentally fell out of my bag as I shut the door. My mum gave me her old phone to use. I lost it.The next phone my dad bought, I dropped it in a park in Italy. It had a crack in the screen and I was seriously confused. A crack from falling in a park. Well… okay, the park had, like, stones so that might be why… I think then I got my mum’s old blackberry. I stepped on it with my boots. I never normally wear anything with heals, but than day I happened to be wearing them… Just my luck… I got my sister’s old blackberry afterwards, and although to this day I haven’t broken it, my sister did. That’s my horrible history with phones. And it’s not just phones. I break everything…

So after vowing that I’d change myself this year, I did something that my old self would have always done. Suddenly, I thought, ‘This is a sign. My year’s going to be horrible.’ And I even convinced myself that I wouldn’t be able to talk and I would never make friends etc. etc. I just imagined myself in college, all by myself, feeling miserable everyday.

And while I was thinking of all this, there was a voice inside of my head that was like, ‘Hey! Slow down, a sec!’ I didn’t want to listen and kept wallowing in my self-pity and conjuring up all these scenarios. My dad came home after I finished vacuuming and he asked me what was wrong. I told him about the vacuum cleaner. Afterwards he asked me, ‘So, did the vacuum cleaner hurt you?’. My dad’s sense of humour is truly something else, but he made a good point and after I came back up, I took a moment to calm down and think logically, like a true scientist. The voice took over and showed me how irrational I was being. I broke one tiny piece of plastic and all of a sudden the earth below me will open up and I’ll be dragged to the furthest corner of hell to whinge and moan for all eternity. Stupid, right?

Breaking things isn’t good, but at least it showed me that I am starting to get better to the point where I can recognise my irrational thinking. As far as I’m concerned, that’s an accomplishment, not a failure.

And even so, we can’t be perfectionists. We can’t expect everything to go 100% well just because you are determined and then crash and burn when it’s only 99% or less. As they say, ‘Practice makes perfect.’ so practice means there’s got to be some obstacle along the way that’s guaranteed to make you fail at least once or twice.

So a new challenge: I’m going to try to stay positive. Staying positive keeps your passion burning. It makes you determined to achieve your goal. But first thing’s first, I’ve got to accept failure as a part of success. There will be times when I won’t talk, or when I’ll skip a meal or too or even overeat. There will be times when I’ll remember things from the past that belong in the past. As long as I stay positive and stay clear of irrational thinking, I’ll be okay. 🙂

~EpicCupcake signing out.

The Other Side of Me

Who is this

I’ve been thinking about something lately, and it just popped into my head a few moments ago when I was sending a story off to Cinnamon (via email) for her to read (but mostly check). Back in primary school, expressing my emotions was never a problem for me. If you made me mad, you’d know it straight away. Back then, emails were pretty popular in my school and we’d spend ages online chatting to friends by email (who knows why we never used MSN or something. Thinking back, it kind of seems stupid…) Of course, now with BBM, What’s App etc. emails are almost a thing of the past. I’m pretty sure the people in my year only use their emails for facebook and sending files. If that’s not the case, well then… I guess it’s just me.

I’ve been writing since I was in primary school, but it only became serious when I started high school. I began to realise that I was able to express myself well in my writing, so I wrote a lot since I wasn’t able to express myself in school. Writing always reveals this other side of me. It reveals this girl who seems to have a lot to say. A girl who loves to amuse her readers by casually slipping puns her and there. A girl with a lot of ideas who radiates them confidently.

A girl who seems foreign to me.

I’m sure if I showed someone my writing, someone who doesn’t know me that well (that would be almost all most of the people in my year) they’d be pretty surprised with what they found. That’s why, when I was writing a quick message in that email, I wasn’t sure how to word it.

I quite private, you know. I try and show certain people certain personalities. Right now I’m showing you my ‘default’ personality. My ‘normal’ personality, if that makes sense. I’m being pretty open. But showing different personalities to different people, doesn’t it seem kind of fake? I’d love to have one personality that I’d be free to share with everybody, even if it made people hate me. I just want to be myself. But are those personalities me?

Let me run through some of my ‘alter egos’

First off, there’s default. Default is my most comfortable personality. I write using default so that’s probably why I don’t like other’s reading my work. Default isn’t very girly, she’s very analytical and loves jokes. She’s the personality I express on my blog. She likes to use big complex words to make her sound smart.

Then there’s ‘sarcastic’. She’s very sarcastic, a teeny bit sadistic and gets annoyed easily. I only seemed to show her around Grace when we were friends. I sometimes show her to other people like my sister and family friends that have annoyed me in the past… And a certain person who I will hopefully never mention here. (Don’t even ask because I won’t answer). She has a relatively low pitched voice. Her character makes me laugh.

Next it’s ‘hyper’. Hyper loves to annoy people, talk about anime etc and smile! She’s like Marmite- you either love her or hate her. Her voice has a higher pitch that default.

Then there’s ‘innocent’. She’s quiet and helpful and acts oblivious to some things. She’s shy and respectful and thinks she’s cute. And she tries to act cute… I don’t like her that much.

‘Normal’ is different to default. She’s what most people would expect in a normal human being. I won’t say much about her.

Finally there’s ‘aloof’. She prefers to stay silent and observes her surrounding. I like her because she seems kind of cool… in a way… She has a way of staring at a person so that her eyes penetrate deep into their soul, unlocking hidden secrets-!

Just being a little too poetic here!

I feel like I’ve revealed too much. Gosh, I feel kind of naked! But there it is. That’s how I feel. I used at least all of these personalities in school with the exception of default and now sarcastic. I’m not so close to Grace now so sarcastic doesn’t want to come out. Hahaha! I sound so weird! Why am I even typing ‘Hahaha!’ when I’m not even laughing?! I’m smiling now, but before I had a straight face.

Oh, gosh, I’m so messed up!

~EpicCupcake signingng

~EpicCuc

(Let’s try this again)

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Social Anxiety: Challenge Accepted!

Social Anxiety?

Short post! (Hopefully!)

Sorry, I’m feeling a little hyper right now.

Today I was going about with my day as normal when something struck me.

They say that the best way to confront a fear is to face it. I’m not about to fill a bucket of spiders and throw my hand inside. No, I’m going to challenge social anxiety. Now, that I’m writing (typing) this, I feel like I’m going a little crazy, but I thought about it and figured that if I expose myself to ‘social’, I’ll reduce the ‘anxiety’.

So I’ve decided to do one thing every week that I would normally never do because I’m too scared to do it. Small things though. Perhaps say something to someone I wouldn’t normally open my mouth around. And to make sure I don’t get bored of it, I’ll give it a points system, like the CBT depression app thingy has. I don’t know what it is that makes points so appealing… The more daring, the more points- that’s how it’ll work.

And I guess it doesn’t have to be exclusively limited to talking to people. I could give myself a point for doing something in public I wouldn’t do or not having a panic attack if I see a spider. The other day I even dared to take a picture of the sky. Yeah, I know it’s not much of an accomplishment, but it’s something I’m scared of doing. Lame, I know.

It feels a little far-fetched though. I don’t believe that this little experiment/challenge will cure me. It probably won’t, but I think it’ll make a good start.

I’ll think of something to do tomorrow. I really hope this works because my social anxiety, or whatever this is, really bugs me and stops me from being… well, me!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

I was waiting for the bus when a thought just popped into my head.

When thinking about the relationship between voltage, current and resistance one day, I realised that although resistance reduces current, current can’t flow without resistance, due to the equation.

So then I thought, isn’t happiness and sadness the same? And what about good and evil? Good things and bad things?

So I guess experiencing the bad is worth it if I get to experience the good.

I’ll try to remember that in bad situations.

~EpicCupcake
signing out.

A Thought: Current VS Resistance