Imaginary Schrödinger’s Person

Let me tell you what I’ve done today…

I woke up… at 12

I read a book… like 5 pages

I played games… on my phone

I watched 1.5 movies… yeah…

And it’s almost eight now and I don’t believe I’ve done anything meaningful today.

You know, I can fool myself that I’m content with spending everyday on my computer and sort of reading books and definitely reading comics for quite a while, but I can’t fool myself forever.

I’m bored.

I need to do something.

Something meaningful.

Unfortunately I have neither the energy nor social skills to do anything. I am actually quite a boring person.

I don’t know why I have this crazy idea in my head that if I had a boyfriend or a girlfriend that my life will suddenly have meaning. That I have to have someone to complete me. That life will start only then and I should just wait and be bored before then.

Some time ago, about when I started this blog or at least a year from then, I used to have these thoughts all the time and it seriously bugged me. Perhaps that was what made me so glum. Now-a-days I just fly by in life, not thinking about those things and to be honest, I’ve been happy since I started college- since I stopped thinking about those kinds of things.

Of course that was when I was still head over heels (or hills or whatever the expression is ‘m too lazy to google right now, sorry) for Phoenix so I only concentrated on one person and not the whole bunch of people who couldn’t care less about me. But now I’m really done with that. I’m ready to close that chapter of my life but it’s hard, you know? I can’t help that whenever we talk on WhatsApp, I get really happy and excited and my heart just warms up. I can’t help that there’s always that feeling deep inside- that relentless feeling- that still has feelings for her. And boy is it annoying! On results’ day I met her by chance and as usual, I stuck to her like glue and went back to the hall so she could collect her results instead of leaving with my own and meeting my cousin as planned. I then met my other friends and I wanted to talk to them but Phoenix had to go because her girlfriend was waiting outside. I felt a pang of something but I said bye and let her go without me. There was no way I was gonna hang around with her girlfriend. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but her girlfriend went to our high school. We had English together. So did Phoenix. I never really liked her that much because I thought she looked down on me. What made that day worse is that I bumped into Phoenix when I was leaving the college and she was with her and some others. Thank goodness her girlfriend had her back to me, It would hurt to look at her face. Her hair was really nice though. Really really nice. As if my hair, I mean day, wasn’t bad enough.

So now, even though I am getting over it, I still want to be in a relationship. To get my mind off everything and just chill. To be able to be happy for my friend.

But you know, there has to be more to life. I don’t want to put my faith in dating to make life more exciting. True, it would make life more exciting, but I don’t think it’s the kind of excitement I’m looking for. I just want to make the most of every day and live life to the full. Try new things. Go to new places. Learn more about myself and the world. Get closer with my friends (in an extrememly platonic way- I don’t want this emotions rollercoaster I experienced thanks to my undying- and I MEAN UNDYING– love for Phoenix) and actually hang out with them! Instead of being a loner at home all the time because it’s easier that way.

But you know, I’m only 17 and I’ve got extremely strict parents. What can I actually do? My parents want me to be at home 24/7 and even if they don’t I have nowhere to go. Even though I’ve sort of gotten over my fear of opening my mouth and letting words come out instead of silence, I’m no social butterfly and my friends are very limited. And going places costs money! I’ve spent over £50 this holiday and I’m still recovering from my last bank statement.

But I guess there’s no harm in trying to get out of the house. I could force my friends to introduce me new people and I could wave my results in front of my parents face if I get invited to a party or something. I don’t know. I shouldn’t think about all the stuff I’m not doing and want to be doing. I should just focus on making myself happy and living each day to the full (and not sleeping in till the afternoon)

So the question: ‘Is the more to life?’

Answer? : ‘Most definitely.’

Of course, I knew that.

The real question is: ‘Is there more to my life?’

And the answer? : ‘There will be, if I make the effort.’

I can definitely live my life to the full without a boyfriend/girlfriend and it’s time I start believing in myself and not this imaginary Schrödinger’s person.

I’ve realised all I need is a little bit of confidence.

A little bit of confidence can go a long way.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

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