Our First Conversation in a Year

Our first conversation in a year

It was more of a grunt than a scream.

By the way, this pic refers to an earlier post –> click me :3

Partners in Crime Reunite?

Two posts in a day! WHOOP! This was actually meant to go with my last post but I don’t like it when my posts exceed a certain limit. Nice and short is how I like my posts- niiiice and shooooooorrrtt.

Over study leave and during exams, I got to hang out with Phoenix a lot. And Phoenix is awesome so naturally I was sad when college resumed and we had to go our separate ways (you know what I mean). She’s always in the art department and I’m always… not. So on Monday I decided to gather enough courage to ask to hang out with her. She, being the awesome friend she said we should totally hang out but if it was okay to meet her in one of the art rooms cause she had some coursework to do. So while she worked, I was content in just watching her and doing random crap on one of the computers. At one point we went hang with the some other people who do art or the like. It was a little awkward because apart from two of them (and Phoenix, of course), I had never talked to them much or ever before. Even so they were nice and one of the girls shared her party rings with me so yeah, it’s hard not to enjoy yourself when you get free food and watch funny and disturbing horror film trailers.

Anyway, whilst I was there, Grace walked in a couple of times. I never said a word to her. In fact, at one point, I was in that art computer room by myself and she was the only one in the room and that still never urged me to talk to her. She didn’t say anything to me in particular. At least nothing I remember.

Since that Monday I got sort of accustomed to that room. I mean I can chill in there and do whatever and no one asks questions or tells me to get lost so I just go there sometimes. Hence why I was there when I made my Left-handed Girl post. Actually I think that was on Monday…

So, one day, Tori and I were chilling in the art computer room and we literally just sat there and played games. I was playing Pepper Panic on Royal Games so I hardly paid attention to anyone- even when Tori was talking to me (I know, I’m so rude…) When I was in the middle of a game I thought would go well, Grace came from out of nowhere and asked me how I was. I said fine and nothing else. I didn’t ask her how she was because I reckoned she didn’t really mean it in that much of a friendly way. I mean, she’s said hi to me before when we were in close proximity for some reason so I didn’t take much notice of it. Also… I was playing Pepper Panic! (Sue me!)

When she continued talking, I realised that this wasn’t one of those random ‘how do you do’s. She started speaking to me normally as we did in high school. She was talking to me about her predicted grades and how she doesn’t know how she did better in drama than art and stuff like that. I was listening but I must’ve looked so rude because I looked totally disinterested when really I was just too focused on winning lots of jewels that day. When I WASN’T playing though, I realised that I was talking almost like normal only that my voice was a little flat because this is a girl I haven’t talked to for over a year acting like we’re amigas.

But you know, even though I had a face that said “Hmm, so it took you a year to finally come and properly talk to me, huh?”, I was secretly happy inside. A little big-headed, but mostly glad that we were talking. Because in truth I really missed her. I missed hanging out with her and laughing we her and having stupid pointless debates. I mean I gotten over that chapter of my life and I won’t die if we don’t become partners in crime once again, but it would be nice if we did, you know. I won’t wish for it, but if it’s meant to happy, I want it to happen. If she genuinely wanted to be friends again, for us to be that comedy duo again (Her being the funny (wo)man and me being the (not so) straight (cis-)man), then yeah! Let it be! At least this time, if Grace goes away again, I won’t be so weak about it. But, if it does happen, it probably means that Grace realises just how special our relationship was.

But this is all hypothetical. I’m quite content playing Pepper Panic for the time being. :3


(A more accurate representation of the difference in our height)

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Apparently the Man in Asda was Right

Pfft, y-yeah r-r-right! He wishes! *rolls eyes and sashays away all over the top and totally unconvincing*

So I’ve been reading a lot of comics lately, which all just so happen to be lgbt related, and I sometimes come across gender queer characters so naturally it got me thinking, ‘What’s my gender?’. Of course I’ve doubted my gender before as I did with my sexuality wondering if I’m really male inside or female or whatever. So i’ve done a couple of gender tests (because I just love online tests- ever tried a psychopath test?) my favourite being the BBC brain sex test. I’ve done it two or three times now  and on a scale of, let’s say, -50 (female) and +50 (male), I got about -20  to -10. Now I know one test or even a bunch of online tests can’t really tell you what your gender is, but it’s not always too far away.

When I was younger I used to try my best to be more girly. Like other girls I’d experiment with my hair and with makeup (even though I was lazy back then). I love skirts and dresses and prayed to God every night that my boobs would grow to at least a D (my prayers weren’t answered :/ ) I distinctly remember one day being mistaken for a boy. I wore this massive coat at the time with my hood right up and I was shopping in Asda with my mum. She dropped her keys or something and I went to pick it up. This old guy turned to me and said I was  a good boy, helping my mum like that. I wanted to strangle him just stood there like an idiot while my mum laughed her head off and explained to him politely that I did not have an appendage between my legs.

Even though I sure as hell didn’t want to be a boy, I always thought it would be cool to have a dick. I pretty sure I went into detail about this in a previous post so I’m not going to elaborate (I know you’re just gonna type ‘dicks’ in the search bar anyway…) and while I liked to do my barbie dolls hair, I also like playing with boys toys and was relieved that my parents got me a cool blue and yellow bike instead of the pink one my sister had (Though she had these nice streamer like ribbon thingies spewing out of her handle bars and I was pretty jealous of that.)

As  I grew older I lost the will to be girly and gave up with the whole makeup thing, like I’ve probably mentioned before. And it’s not only that I gave up but I know since I started college, I have wanted to dress more masculine and I would wear baggy hoodies so my boobs wouldn’t stand out. I’d wall like a guy and sit like a guy and I liked the thought of someone mistaking me as a guy. Heck ,I’ve even accepted my man voice and have honed in on my skills and now I sing Japanese songs (and this one Indonesian song) like a guy and I actually like the way I sound. I’m even doing exercise everyday so I can get a six-pack even though I claimed to have hated these on guys.

But this doesn’t mean I’ve stopped acting like a ‘girl’, mind you. I sometimes feel the urge to wear pretty short skirts and colourful tops and look cute and stuff. I still don’t wear makeup, and don’t plan to either, but I’ve definitely been taking more care of my hair rather than walking out of my house looking like I’d just crawled out of a dustbin. Oh, and I also painted my nails… twice… and before then I hadn’t touched my nails in years (I’d file them but that’s cause they feel nice and smooth afterwards)

So as you can see I sometimes feel I have issues with gender identity, but if I had to go with one gender, I’d definitely choose female because, to be honest, despite everything that’s how I truly feel. Maybe that’s just based with the fact that to me, certain behavours don’t belong exclusively to one gender. Or, it could always be based on the fact that I sure as hell do not want to be called ‘sir’ or ‘Mr Butterson’ or anything like that.

So yeah, cis-female. That might change in the future because usually when I say I’m not something, I end up being just that. Irony. Stupid irony.

You know, my sexuality has always been a little old which is why it took me essentially 4-5 years to figure it out. Even know it’s still a little weird to me. Sometimes I show little to no interest in girls and then suddenly I’m like ‘Wow, girls are wonderful! Why do guys exist again?’. And when it comes to guys I’m only attracted to a select few, thinks some of the others are alright and then I’m scared of the rest. Not that there’s anything wrong with guys, just that I can’t handle a swarm of them (luckily I hardly have to worry about that *cries*). Deciding on bi, or pan if you want to be accurate, works for me because I know I’m somewhere in that middle zone of sexuality. When it comes to gender I’m not picky not because I’m open to stuff, but because I honestly can’t see why you wouldn’t date someone based on gender or sex alone. Well, that’s just the opinion of this piece of cookware.

But back to gender…

I did this genderqueer test today, expecting to get either cis-female or maybe slightly genderqueer, but no…

I got cis-male…



(Yes, I have a windows phone)

I’m STILL laughing. Apparently the man in Asda was right. I’VE BEEN DECEIVED!

And I don’t like chick flicks either :/

Yeah, so, lesson of the day- your gender is what you say it is! Despite how you act or whatever. Don’t always trust these online tests, especially those which tell you that your biological sex is not what you thought it was. Lesson well learnt… Still gonna keep doing these tests though 😉

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Left-handed girl in a Right-handed world

Hello people of the internet. You have once again stumbled onto my little blog of epicness for some reason. No, don’t go, I’ll be lonely! 😦

Aaaaanyway, finally my exams are finished and I can finally chill and get on with my life, right?

WRONG. Now stupid exams are out of the way I now have to write that damned personal statement, go to uni open days to unis a million miles away, look for some sort of work experience and whatever stuff I still haven’t worked out yet. Yeah… life is sooo chilled.

But right now, I  guess, I am chilled because I am sitting in on of my college’s art rooms looking at the blog a group that make one of my favourite comics – That’s Mahou Shounen Fight by Scuttlebutt Ink. And (if you’re familiar with anime, manga and the like) no, this is not manga. It is an OEL comic. I might write a post about them on my other blog at some point.

But I digress (as usual)

What I’m basically trying to say (or write rather) is that I have literally nothing to do. No lessons for another couple of hours, no homework or coursework because I don’t do coursework-y subjects. (Heck, I don’t even do art and yet here I am… No one’s told me to leave yet though so until then I’m just gonna chill.) So I thought I should write a post for all the lovely people who actually take time out of their lives to read what I have to say. As a little thank you. And also so I don’t waste your time.

Now exams are over, I’ll be posting more regularly so expect the front page to be loaded with all sorts of nonsense that comes into my brain.

And here’s some more nonsense!

Recently, over these past few days, or maybe even weeks, I’ve been thinking about discrimination. A type of distrimination that nobody ever thinks about and people laugh at me when I express my deep annoyance. Now I’m not sure if it has a name or anything so I’m just going to name it – ‘Handednessism or Handism maybe? (I’m not really that good at naming things…)

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I find it annoying that almost everything in this country is only designed for righthanded people and not left handed people. I mean sure they’ve made left handed scissors (which actually doesn’t benefit me because oddly enough I cut with my right hand) and left handed pens but what about left handed rulers?

Yes I know it sounds stupid, but let me tell you this: One day I was doing a past paper and I had to use a ruler to draw a line and I had to draw it a certain length. However in order to measure the line as I drew it, I had to either:

  1. Measure backwards
  2. Draw the line to the right using my left hand (which is super hard and probably impossible for me to do neatly) or…
  3. Start using my right hand (not gonna happen).

In the end I chose option one which is quite hard for me for some reason. Maybe I just can’t subtract well. I normally just count the centimeters.

Another thing, which isn’t really a rant because I know it can’t be helped but I wanted to mention – It is actually hard to write from left to right. I don’t know if other left-handers can relate but it’s actually really unnatural. Right-handers have it easy; they just pull their hand as they go, dragging their hand across the page. Left-handers on the other hand (haha) have to sort of push their hand as they go and angle their hand in a way so they don’t drag their hands over the page and smudge their work – hence why I never use those inky pens (After using those my hands are almost completely blue). Also I find it hard to write on whiteboards too. Totally sucks. I actually write a lot better with my right hand on whiteboards and it’s really neat for some reason.

Oh and did you know that in a lot of languages the word right means correct and the word left means wrong? It shows that people loooove left-handers. So much so that in the past they tried to force lefties to write with their right hands when they were young and when they grew up they couldn’t write well with either. Very nice and totally completely positively fair.

I’m gonna stop here cause I’m probably going to log off soon but expect more from me soon.

Unless I just cannot physically get up and type due to my sheer laziness.

~EpicCupcake signing out.