MAN VS MACHINE!!! / Social Anxiety: Independence

More like an asthmatic girl against a double-decker bus…

One day I was on my way to college and my bus went on diversion. I didn’t think this was a big deal because I knew it was gonna end up in the same place. What I didn’t know was how long the ‘little detour’ was. And I ended up getting to my next bus stop late. I saw the bus was coming in two minutes and thought ‘I can make that!’ …I couldn’t. The bus times had failed me yet again.

It was nearing eight o’clock and I knew if I didn’t catch a bus within five minutes, there would be literally no point. Past eight o’clock the bus stop gets crowded with other colloege students pushing and shoving in a desperate attempt to make it to their 8:30 lesson (That’s right. I said 8:30). I checked the times… The bus was coming in… 12 minutes.

At that point I stomped all the way to my college muttering to myself how I should’ve gotten another bus and how I left so early on to be running to college. It occured to me that the bus might actually pass me if I walked and the thought of that made me more and more determined to get there before the bus. Something about seeing the bus I didn’t wait for, because I thought I get to college earlier if I walked, drive straight past me… No, I wouldn’t stand for that. So I picked up the pace and somehow, without running even once, I made it. I had beat the bus. And while I knew I wouldn’t get an applause or flowers or a trophy, I still felt like I’d achieved the impossible. I felt like a gold medalist.

And it somehow got me through the day without punching a wall or something.

So, how’s it been lost travelers of the internet? I have been absent from WordPress and I’ve explained many times how I wouldn’t be able to post as frequently because of the whole business of sorting out my future career. You know.. A levels, volunteering, work experience… I even started my CV!

But as much as I want to do Pharmacy in uni (that’s what I’m sticking with now. Not Medicine.) this preparation is really depressing me. Seriously, I woke up today I felt like I couldn’t be bothered to do life. I just wanted to sleep all day and forget that I’m getting closer and closer to adulthood everyday. Urgh. I wish I was still a kid and could spend my half term playing Poptropica all day…

I’m getting more and more independant everyday and getting more and more responsibilities, and while I feel proud of myself from migrating away from my old little shy dependant self, I can’t help but miss the days when I depended more on adults. I mean I have five appointments next week. All of which I must take myself to. Then I must also go about looking for a volunteering oppurtunity, by myself, and even talk during my old school’s curriculum evening. I’d have to talk to perhaps up to 150 parents of year 9 students about GCSEs and the thought of that scares the life out of me. It would be okay if I was talking to the students. My social anxiety has died down a little to let me do something like that only feeling a little nervous, but talking to parents?! Just thinking about it makes me almost wet myself. But hey, I’ve promised myself to put myself out there, because I know that exposing myself to uncomfortable social situations is the only way I’ll grow and eventually rid myself of this persistent thing I like to call social awkwardness.

When looking for volunteering opportunities, I first looked for ones that weren’t too scary. Nothing where I’d be placed in an awkward social situation. But now I’ve realised it’s pointless. If you really want to rid social anxiety or shyness, you have to face your fear head on. That’s what I’ve learnt and doing that really helps. I mean, I was able to book an optician’s appointment without saying the word ‘um’ even once! I was even the one who called them. I willingly called them, whereas in the past I’d only call after my mum shouts “Just pick up the phone! They’re not gonna kill you for goodness sake!” And even when I called them, I wasn’t nervous and it wasn’t actually that scary. I don’t care what anyone says, that was a great improvement.

I’ll say this again and again until my exams are over- I won’t be able to post as frequently. If I haven’t posted for a month- don’t worry I’m probably not dead. My exams are in may so after Easter I won’t be posting anything. Unless something really interesting happens and I have a little time to post.

Till next time!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

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