A Whole New Woooooorld!

*GASP*… I CAN SEE!!!

Kininarimasu!

Fun fact- I wrote a story in which two of the main characters sing this song. It is actually hard to incorporate music in stories unless you’re just describing the music in abstract ways…

Fun fact 2- This post has nothing to do with the Disney song… or Chitanda…

Today someone called me while I was in college. It was Specsavers. It turned out my fresh new shiny glasses were ready. So after school I called them and this lady picked up. I gave her my name and date of birth… and then gave it about five more times. I have to say, I felt uncomfortable announcing my personal details on the bus. After I had to call out each number slowly, one after another, she finally told me that, yes, my glasses were ready. I asked if I could come now and what time they closed. She said 6. As I was midway through the word thank you, she hung up. This was not the first she’s done that. Oh well. The man that gave me the glasses in the opticians was polite enough.

When I first but on the glasses, I didn’t really notice a difference because I wasn’t paying attention, but after he told me to look around, I felt like I had entered a whole new world. Everything was clear and sharp and bright and beautiful! When I was walking home through this quiet area, listing to my playlist that happened to be playing ‘Dream a Little Dream of Me’. I felt as if I was walking through a fairy tale, and I looked everywhere and at everything with awe and wonder and I wondered how I was living life before. I know they’re just glasses. But to me they’re like magic glasses and they’ll continue to be until my eyes get worse again.

Man, I never realised how blind I was…

(Pssst! Hyouka fans, click here for 10 min KININARIMASU challenge! Can you handle the entity that is Chitanda?)

~EpicCupcake signing out.

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My Rants: What Did I Do Wrong?

Don’t expect me to answer this question as I am unaware myself…

This past week, my relationship with my mum was on the verge of shattering… I think.

Since I have been at home revising constantly, I haven’t had time to do stuff around the house. I mean, I did clean the house last Saturday so I could spend my half term revising, but for some reason that was not enough for my mum. One day I hadn’t washed the plates that day. My mum came home and went into full on rant mode and we got into a argument and shouted at each other.

The next day I made sure to wash all the dirty dishes my parents dumped in there that morning, as well as my plates, as well as the dining table and the kitchen and mum came home and went into full on rant mode AGAIN for not clearing up my brother’s toys. When I went to clear them up, I thought to myself ‘What toys?’ Because there were only a few of these alphabet pieces on the floor and that was it.

Another day I aimed to do intense revision because I thought I hadn’t done that much so I had a bagel in the morning and starved myself for the rest of the day. I was going to clear up the mess I made in the morning when I had my next scheduled break but my mum came home and she went BERSERK.

My mum would just start spouting all this rubbish about how I never do anything and how I’m so lazy and how I wasn’t revising- that I was just watching anime all day and I was so hurt and angry because she KNEW that wasn’t true. She would always say such hurtful things and make me cry and when I did cry she would just give me this horrible look and tell me to grow up, that I’m not really upset when she knows I’m sensitive. I’m on the verge of crying just thinking about it.

Now today I managed to avoid annoying her until my dad told me to wash the plates. I said I’d do it in a while. Oh how I wished I had just done it…

I came into the kitchen and saw more plates and I was like, half jokingly ‘There’s more plates?’. I was, and still am, not feeling very well so I asked if I could just wash my plates and go. My mum wouldn’t have it so I washed the plates anyway. I was only trying my luck after all. Then I when my mum was having a go at me while I was obediently washing the plates, I opened my mouth (Oh, why did I open my mouth???) and told her that she was really strict with me but so lenient with my sister. I said that not because I thought it was unfair she was washing the plates, but because I wanted to show her that it’s because she wasn’t tough, like she is with me, that she turned out the way she did. My mum just started shouting and stormed off. I could’ve tried to explain it to her but seriously, I know better now. My mum is deluded. There’s no point trying to explain anything to this so-called Disciple of Jesus.

I went upstairs and could here my mum complaining and moaning to my dad, twisting my words and saying things that never once came out of my mouth. She complained about how she bought me donuts yesterday and how I said they were disgusting and refused to eat them, when in actually fact I ate one before my dinner but didn’t eat again because I was full and by the time I came home today, they were finished and I did say they tasted weird, but nice even though they were the worst donuts I had ever eaten in my life and the manufacturer should have been sued. She told my dad how I refused to eat the dinner she made because I said it was disgusting. I actually said it was nice, but had too much oil. And when I say too much oil, I MEAN too much oil. It was practically just oil and I felt so sick afterwards yet I forced myself to finish it to not hurt her feelings. I felt so sick obviously more disgusting donuts were not an option for me. My dad called me down and had a go at me as well, but in my dad’s defense, my mum tell him a lot of bullshit depicting me as a heartless demon. My dad only wants me to be a good and respectable child. My mum’s just got problems.

I don’t want to blame myself, because I believe I have done nothing wrong. My mum treats me like shit sometimes and doesn’t appreciate how much I’ve helped her over the years and how much I’m willing to do. Not for money or to be allowed to go out. For love. Because I do care. But I can’t help but have this feeling of deja-vu and now I know why. This is exactly how Grace was acting because she ignored me for good. Always fed up with me, even though I was actually in a relatively good mood most of the time at that time. The only time I was sad was when she was really hurting my feelings. It’s making me wonder if it is all my fault. If I turn people like this. If I’m just this terrible person who makes life difficult for everyone. I thought maybe it’s cause of my eczema complications that’s causing her stress and the only way to release it is to yell at me and get dad to tell me off. If that’s the case, I get that it’s stressful, that’s not excuse. You should never take your anger out on other people. I know I’ve done this and I’m not proud of it, but it’s still wrong none the less and it’s really getting me down.

It’s really pushing me to the edge and I’m worried I’ll say something I’ll live to regret. All out of spite to hurt her. And I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to hurt people.

Honestly, what did I do wrong?

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Because I’m Stupid 2

Sir, yes, Sir!

EpicCupake reporting for duty!

Wow! Another post today? Go me!

So I’m finally back from my first volunteering experience in a shop. I was at the tip ALL DAY and let me tell you it is hard work. I mean, sometimes I’m just sitting there and there are no customers or just a few ‘window shopping’, but then other times there will be customer after customer and I was at the till by myself and I had absolutely no idea how to use it. The girl before me showed me the ropes, but it was all very confusing. There were a million and one buttons, so many codes to enter… The wasn’t bar codes or anything on donated goods so most of it I had to select what it was and write the price. Which was actually quite difficult because I didn’t know what anything was. I couldn’t tell if some clothes where men’s or women’s or children’s, I couldn’t tell what to putt hoodies and cardigans under. At some point I just selected random stuff and it didn’t really matter because most people didn’t care for receipts.

There was this one lady who I felt sorry for. She was only buying something one pound and I pressed the wrong thing on the till and there’s no return button and I was panicking and the lady just eventually gave me the pound and said it was okay, that she didn’t need a receipt. I was relieved… until I realised I had to sort out this son of a till for the next customer. Hahhhhhhhhhhhhhh… It was tiring…

There was this other lady who kept making me call the manager and I felt so bad because the bell was so loud and annoying and (because of this customer) constant. I also failed yet again when this lady asked if she could wrap up the plate and I started panicking because I had no idea what to use. So I called the manager yet again and she said to use the newspaper under the till. I smiled awkwardly and told her I wasn’t really sure how to wrap it. I don’t think she got what I was hinting at (as well as blatantly saying) so in the end the woman had to wrap it herself. At least she was nice about it.

I remember at one point the manager came to ask me a favour. I thought she wanted me to help with the stock in the back or something, but then I saw her writing something on a piece of paper:

Chicken nuggets

Salad

…She was writing her lunch order. I had to go to the fish and chip shop and buy her lunch… I hope she didn’t my bewildered expression. She probably did. I just couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t angry, just really surprised. And while I was in that chip shop smelling the golden brown chips as they cooked, I felt like punching myself. I hadn’t brought any lunch. I hadn’t brought any money. The last time I had eaten was about nine. I WAS STARVING. I didn’t leave till sometime past five and it was cold and raining and the bus times were deceiving me and I was just so hungry!

I can be so stupid sometimes.

But there were donuts and dinner waiting for me at home 🙂

That’s enough for today.

I’m exhausted.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Happy Memory

Although it’s been a while since I thought about Grace, but recently I just remembered a nice memory.

It was sports day and as were watching the young athletes of our school beat the crap out of the not so athletic people in our school (like me) I decided to show her a story I was working on. She liked reading my stories so she agreed to it. So she read the first few paragraphs and then she stopped at some point and made this kind of face:

GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

…It was my first slash (yaoi-boyxboy) short story series.

Teehee!

Teehee!

It was a good memory 😛

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Finally Giving In / The Dreaded E-word / Three Evil Exes

That’s it. I’ve had enough.

This is HALF TERM. Why am I spending it doing revision 24/7? It’s Saturday and in a few hours from now, I’m going to head down to my current volunteering placement thingy in Cancer Research UK. I was really nervous when I was heading over there, but the manager seemed (surprisingly) young and had this huge aura of niceness so I feel a little calmer now. I think I’m just gonna slack of this morning. Revision is seriously getting to me…

You know it’s really hard to balance your school work with all this extracurricular stuff, volunteering and placements. I went to the HealthCare club in my college where they had a talk about Personal Statements and more and now I’m just lost because one thing that kept coming up was ‘extracurricular activities’ and I was just thinking to myself:

‘I do… nothing…’

So now I’m sort of like freaking out and trying to look for stuff I can join and do and stuff, but it’s hard because I’m socially awkward. I know I’ve said over and over that it’s all about exposure to this kind of stuff but quite frankly the whole idea still scares me. And why wouldn’t it? Still I’m gonna try, I’m gonna scare myself into not being scared… if that makes sense.

I considered doing sports. Tori and I have been to the sports hall and played a bit of table tennis and badminton, but I’m not sure I want to do that. Just because I showed her my wrath in table tennis, she will never let that I lost to her in badminton go. I mean, when she talks about how hard maths is, she says:

‘I fail in maths like you fail in badminton.’ And then she laughs. Yes, thanks for that Tori. For highlighting my inability to play badminton. Actually, I think I’m quite good for someone who sucks at sport.

So sports is out of the question. (To be honest, it’s always been out of the question) but seriously, I don’t know what’s left. I used to play the piano, but stopped at grade 2 without doing the exam. I guess I could always say ‘I play the piano from time to time.’ but for some reason I can imagine them whipping out a piano from thin air and demanding me to play it.

But seriously, what else is there? I’m trying to join as many clubs as I can- like debate club for example. I know that sort of puts me in an awkward position- me standing up and screaming out my beliefs- but it seems kind fun and there are some occasions where my social anxiety fails to show up. Like when I did Annie back in primary school. I was Miss Hannigan and excuse my unmodest-ness  but I killed it. At that point I even considered acting as a career, as well as dancing, but I thought ‘no, I belong to science’.

I remember when I was righting the first draft of my CV and I was trying to think of what to write under hobbies. My real hobbies (other than blogging once a millennium) include reading manga and doujin, watching anime, j-dramas, k-dramas, t-dramas and countless E4 shows and there is absolutely no way I can write that without seeming like a TV addict and a Sofa Bear.

I saw this example CV they showed us in college and the person had written that they like the relax with a nice book and go on walks or something. Basic stuff like that. Not like ‘I’m an Olympic Archer and am part of a netball team, I help out in my local youth club and organise evens and perfect perfect perfect’.

I still have yet to touch my CV. I don’t really want to see it for a while…

But forget about all that jazz. Today I want to focus on how many different endings I can get on sim date games by Pacthesis. I think my favourite has to be this one– you should play it; it’s very goooood XD If case you don’t know, a sim date or dating sim is a game where you have to get you relationship points up with a guy (or a girl, depending) so until you reach dating status and to win you have to win someones heart and stuff. Some can be so long and it’s so rewarding when you win. I once played this one called pico sim date. IT WAS THE WORST. SERIOUSLY THERE IS NO WAY TO WIN. YOU CAN ONLY GO AFTER ONE GIRL (because the main character likes her) AND IF YOU TALK TO HER SOME EMO NINJAS COME AND ATTACK YOU AND IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU WORK OUT IN THE GYM, YOU CANT WIN. Moving on.

After hours of revision, I lost it one day I played the memory days sim date like a million times trying to get this ending and finally- I DID IT!

Three Evil Exes

To get this ending, you have to date all three boys and then break up with them, without becoming friends again and now that I think about it, I can’t believe how hard it was to get there. Once I was close but became friends withthe last guy after saying ‘I just want to be friends’. I thought that would make him hate me for sure, but we became friends… Then I got this ending:

The three evil exes ending was funny though. In the end, the whenever the girl gets another boyfriend, her three evil exes drive him away. Apparently, they still really like her. Even though she broke their hearts. Like, stamped on them. It took a lot of will power to get this ending…

That’s enough for this post, before I digress again.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to do something extremely productive

Read book (yaoi)

sidebyside_11

Seme wa dare? And where are your spiky teeth, Rin? 😦

GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

IT’S TOO BRIGHT!!! MABUSHIIIIIIIIIIII!!!

…What did I just see…?

Heehee 😀

~EpicCupcake signing out.

MAN VS MACHINE!!! / Social Anxiety: Independence

More like an asthmatic girl against a double-decker bus…

One day I was on my way to college and my bus went on diversion. I didn’t think this was a big deal because I knew it was gonna end up in the same place. What I didn’t know was how long the ‘little detour’ was. And I ended up getting to my next bus stop late. I saw the bus was coming in two minutes and thought ‘I can make that!’ …I couldn’t. The bus times had failed me yet again.

It was nearing eight o’clock and I knew if I didn’t catch a bus within five minutes, there would be literally no point. Past eight o’clock the bus stop gets crowded with other colloege students pushing and shoving in a desperate attempt to make it to their 8:30 lesson (That’s right. I said 8:30). I checked the times… The bus was coming in… 12 minutes.

At that point I stomped all the way to my college muttering to myself how I should’ve gotten another bus and how I left so early on to be running to college. It occured to me that the bus might actually pass me if I walked and the thought of that made me more and more determined to get there before the bus. Something about seeing the bus I didn’t wait for, because I thought I get to college earlier if I walked, drive straight past me… No, I wouldn’t stand for that. So I picked up the pace and somehow, without running even once, I made it. I had beat the bus. And while I knew I wouldn’t get an applause or flowers or a trophy, I still felt like I’d achieved the impossible. I felt like a gold medalist.

And it somehow got me through the day without punching a wall or something.

So, how’s it been lost travelers of the internet? I have been absent from WordPress and I’ve explained many times how I wouldn’t be able to post as frequently because of the whole business of sorting out my future career. You know.. A levels, volunteering, work experience… I even started my CV!

But as much as I want to do Pharmacy in uni (that’s what I’m sticking with now. Not Medicine.) this preparation is really depressing me. Seriously, I woke up today I felt like I couldn’t be bothered to do life. I just wanted to sleep all day and forget that I’m getting closer and closer to adulthood everyday. Urgh. I wish I was still a kid and could spend my half term playing Poptropica all day…

I’m getting more and more independant everyday and getting more and more responsibilities, and while I feel proud of myself from migrating away from my old little shy dependant self, I can’t help but miss the days when I depended more on adults. I mean I have five appointments next week. All of which I must take myself to. Then I must also go about looking for a volunteering oppurtunity, by myself, and even talk during my old school’s curriculum evening. I’d have to talk to perhaps up to 150 parents of year 9 students about GCSEs and the thought of that scares the life out of me. It would be okay if I was talking to the students. My social anxiety has died down a little to let me do something like that only feeling a little nervous, but talking to parents?! Just thinking about it makes me almost wet myself. But hey, I’ve promised myself to put myself out there, because I know that exposing myself to uncomfortable social situations is the only way I’ll grow and eventually rid myself of this persistent thing I like to call social awkwardness.

When looking for volunteering opportunities, I first looked for ones that weren’t too scary. Nothing where I’d be placed in an awkward social situation. But now I’ve realised it’s pointless. If you really want to rid social anxiety or shyness, you have to face your fear head on. That’s what I’ve learnt and doing that really helps. I mean, I was able to book an optician’s appointment without saying the word ‘um’ even once! I was even the one who called them. I willingly called them, whereas in the past I’d only call after my mum shouts “Just pick up the phone! They’re not gonna kill you for goodness sake!” And even when I called them, I wasn’t nervous and it wasn’t actually that scary. I don’t care what anyone says, that was a great improvement.

I’ll say this again and again until my exams are over- I won’t be able to post as frequently. If I haven’t posted for a month- don’t worry I’m probably not dead. My exams are in may so after Easter I won’t be posting anything. Unless something really interesting happens and I have a little time to post.

Till next time!

~EpicCupcake signing out.