My creative juices are running dry at the moment. I hope that’ll change soon and you’ll find out why soon enough.
So this random post has been placed in the Dear Diary category- the category I use when I want to give you an update on my latest fails so that’s what this posts about.
First and foremost, I like to say how shocked I am at how well I’m getting on at college. I always thought that I’d never talk to any of my classmates outside of my lessons, but oh how that has changed! Okay, it’s not like I suddenly became a pro at socialising overnight, but I think I’m improving. Before I never really talked in lessons, but now I feel like I’m talking too much in my bio lessons and moderately in my chemistry lessons. As some weird rule, I don’t talk much in maths and haven’t since GCSE but even today I had a conversation with the guy I sit next to which didn’t feel forced or traumatising either. Even though I’m still silent in physics, there is one girl in that class that I talk to a bit so I feel like maybe that’s a sign that I’ll soon feel like I fit in. Right now in my bio class, I really do feel like I fit in and that’s a first for me. I like how I can comfortably talk to others in my class and even talk across the room which I never used to do and that’s awesome! For me, at least.
I’m not even sure how it happened, but I feel like some switch has just been flicked and my social energy saver light bulb is slowly glowing brighter and brighter. I’m beginning to wonder why I was struggling so much. Though, like I said, I’m still not there yet and I’m still shy and a little awkward but I feel like I’m opening up to people and I’m actually enjoying college a lot more than high school!
My typical week involves me hanging out a lot with Tori and we’d meet up with other friends. It would involve me going to help out in the local primary school and learning how to be less awkward around kids. It would involve me and Tori running the student-run chemistry revision sessions. It would involve me strengthening my bond with Phoenix, texting and talking whenever we can etc. Oh, and lessons, of course. I don’t feel stressed, I’m hardly ever alone and I don’t need to worry about being alone and I’m happy and I’m comfortable. The people around me are nice and friendly and it’s not that hard to talk to them. Yep… life is good… apart from mocks which are NEXT WEEK!!!
Let me tell you a bit about the chemistry revision sessions and the primary school volunteering.
The revision sessions started quite late, due to the word about it coming out late and can blame that on Tori’s chemistry teacher. When we finally had our first session, only about four people came which was both fortunate and unfortunate. Fortunate because I’m shy and don’t fair well in large crowds. Unfortunate because… well, it looked a little sad. We had prepared a powerpoint ages ago but ended up discarding it once we realised that students wanted exam practice and help with questions. So the first week was a fail. The second week however, which just so happens to be this week, we had a few more people, though still a small amount, and I had prepared high level questions to get them really thinking so that they’d ace the mocks and that actually went well! I also feel like the explaining and giving tips will help build my confidence and maybe help me learn to be more social.
Another thing that I think is helping me is the volunteering. I’m coming to really like my class and their teacher. The kids are cute, enthusiastic funny and polite and they even call me ‘miss’! Though some call me by my name which I appreciated cause I’m not used to being called miss so if they call me, I won’t even realise. One thing I want to be able to do is be more firm and tell the kids to quiet down if the teacher wants silence, or tell them to grab a book when it’s time to read. I don’t feel like doing that cause I’m not in authority, but it’ll help the teacher as well as help me to become more assertive. But I don’t wanna tell off childreeeeeeen! Teeny, tiny childreeeeeeeeen!
In other news, I’m in a really good, really weird mood. A bug called Christmas has been going round and infecting people, giving people that warm, soft, gentle, Christmasy feeling. I caught it. And now I’m demanding my mum to find the Christmas songs she and my dad used to play on the CD player. I want to be reminded of those past magical Christmas and somehow recreate at least half of it. But that’s not the point of this post. The point is that London is going to look all romantic and Chrsitmasy and Phoenix wants us to go to the city and this has sort of driven me crazy. The previous night, I was filled with such fluffy mashmallow soft feels as I daydreamed (nightdreamed? … dreamed???) about a romantic evening-looking afternoon as we gaze upon the river and the twinkling lights. I would hand Phoenix her present, which would be a story specially written for her, and chocolate, cause she practically lives on that stuff. Then I’d tell her that I like her, and tell her that I know I already told her (texted her) but this time I wanted to say it to her face. And then I’d tell her not to feel bad that she doesn’t feel the same way because I don’t care whether we date or not, just that I want to be near her, for her and as close to her as I am now, maybe even closer. Then I’d get flustered and trip on a rock.
I don’t know why I feel so loveydovey today. Maybe it’s because I’m sleep-deprived (didn’t sleep for three days straight) because in my physics lesson, I almost burst into hysterics. It was a cold day and there was some sort of warm air coming from a vent or something and one guy goes,
‘Oh, warm heat!’
And then the guy who sit’s next to me started laughing and I wondered why but then I always thought he was a bit strange… Then he says,
‘Yeah, it’s always nice when heat is warm.’
And then it came. I had to press my hand firmly over my mouth to reign back those wild giggles that were about to spill and explode everywhere.. Which made me look really weird cause I was making small noises every time a laugh threatened to escape. Even now I find it funny, though it isn’t really, but back then, oh my goodness, I found it priceless… Pure gold…
Yeah… I’m actually really tired… and hungry, so I’ll end on this note. I was gonna write about more. Hopefully I’ll be able to write about the really cute guy in my maths class and about Grace. I was gonna at that to this blog but I’m practically nodding off.
I hope you have a nice day.
~EpicCupcake signing out.