You may not recognise me because I have abandoned WordPress for God knows how long. Anyway, I’ve decided to be faithful again so I promise you’ll be getting more posts out of me.
I believe this is the second year I’m using WordPress now. I think. I joined the summer before year 11 and now I’m in College. Which is very much swell. Very much. Indeed.
Anyway, as an apology, I would like to fill you in on what I’ve been getting up to.
Hitotsu! GCSEs. I hated them but oh how I long for them! College started out as a breeze to be honest. I ended up taking all the sciences and maths and they went well cause they’re my strong points. But now… I’m regretting physics. Physics is killing me. I feel like shooting everyone in my class. Teacher included. The guy who sits next to me is kinda cute and he seems to be the only one who really likes physics, but he doesn’t pay that much attention to me. None of them do. My chemistry class is a lot nicer and I like the people I sit next with. But I digress. I believe I was talking about GCSEs.
Unfortunately, my eczema really took a turn for the worst and I had to go to hospital at one point. I’m not sure if I mentioned that before… Anyway, I’ll get to my hospital trip stories (yes, plural) later. Now, finishing my GCSEs was hell, because of my eczema, because of the lack of sleep, because of the fear that I won’t get to hang around with my crush anymore. I was really dreading results day. I told my mum to promise that whatever I got she’d still love me. She said she understood.
I was shaking as I made my way to the school. We were kept outside for so long before the finally opened the gates of hell…
Or maybe the gates of heaven, cause not one person was crying out of disappointment, which I was glad to see. Because my surname is in the A,B,C ect range, I was one of the first to get my results. I was shaking. Seriously shaking. People were telling me that it was stupid to worry cause I’m a genius and I’m gonna get all A*s. That made me feel even worse. Expectations are like a huge weight on your shoulder…
So… I opened the envelope… Slowly… Slowly… Then I got impatient and ripped it. I slowly pulled out the piece of paper. My first reaction was confusion. There was a huge list of grades and UMS points and it was so confusing. Eventually I realised the few rows were my actually grades. I couldn’t believe it… I was gonna cry… I didn’t, but I couldn’t really speak properly because I was all filled with emotion. 8A*s and 2As. IT’S A MIRACLE!!! Jesus, I was so scared of results day. I almost didn’t go. I was almost sure it was a fluke or something. Especially music. I got an A but I was expecting a B at the most. Well, I don’t care. They’re over! Finally!
Now, what’s next… ah yes, my eczema. Finally, after waiting months and months and months, I have finally started phototherapy. I was really happy but nervous at the same time. I didn’t like the idea of having ultraviolet waves shot at me constantly in some hot claustrophobic machine. Still. As long as I get better… I’ve had this phototherapy before and as far as I’m concerned, it didn’t really bother me that much. This time round, I’ve only been to one session and oh my goodness how my skin flared up. I’m not constantly dry, itchy and in pain but I’m counting on it going away soon. But my next session is on Tuesday…
My eczema’s gotten so bad this time round, ever since June. During my exams, they wanted to admit me into hospital but I was like hell no, I’m not missing my English exam (Got an A*, thank goodness I went…). Three months later, the same thing happens and this time I’m admitted and I don’t want to tell you the hell I witnessed in there. I’ve always wanted to see what it was like to be admitted. I now take that back.
I mean, I was stuck in A&E the first day because they couldn’t find me a ward. There I stayed for hours on end, bored out of my mind and not being able to do anything cause moving my hand somehow affected the drip I was attached to. God, THE DRIP. SO ANNOYING. It was basically a bag full of salt water cause they said I looked severely dehydrated. Because I had water constantly being pumped into my arm, I needed to go to the toilet every few minutes. My mum had to help me every time cause I didn’t have a drip stand. At one point of the night, when my mum went home, I was absolutely bursting to go. I couldn’t hold the drip by myself so I pressed this button that calls the nurse. How I waited and waited and waited. Every second that went by, I was getting more and more worried I was gonna disgrace myself. I called my mum. She said to press the button. I told her I did. My mum asked if I wanted her to come. I told her no. In the end, I got up and called out to a nurse as she walked by. She gave me a stand. Thank the lord.
That first night seemed to go on forever, what with the random cries and screams I was hearing and the horrid sound coming from the woman beside me. Thank goodness for the curtain. I didn’t want to see whatever she was spewing up.
The next few days, when I was moved to the ward, I didn’t need the drip, but they were still giving me antibiotics through my arm so they kept the cannula on. I was uncomfortable and after a while it began to hurt too. I’m not really sure what I did for those four days, but for some reason I was never bored. My friends kept texting me, including my crush, but I’ll get to that, and I was grateful for that. During those four days I believe I used up over 2 or 3 thousand of my texts. Maybe 4000. I have no idea how that happened. Must’ve been when I was texting my crush. We text a lot now. Oh that’s right! No more credit now, just contract, baby! It was a present, along with my new phone, for my 16th, but again, I digress. Well I don’t have much more to say about the hospital, or rather, I don’t want to talk about the shower incident and the fright we all got when the woman opposite me took a turn for the worst. Moving on.
My crush. I didn’t mention this, but my crush is actually my friend Phoenix. I’m sure I’ve mentioned her before (yes, her, let’s be honest about my sexual preference which, by the way, has nothing to do with my obsession for gay men and the LGBT genre ) . Phoenix and I had been in the same form since the start of high school but we never really started talking until year ten and we really became friends in year 11. Now, even though we hardly see each other, our friendship continues to grow stronger and I hope it’ll be the same for Cinnamon and me. Phoenix and I really started talking when we started to discuss stuff like personality and mental disorders and soon we realised we had a lot in common. I’m not entirely sure when I started liking her. It just happened really and I’m not surprised, she’s an awesome person and even if I was straight, I’d still be into her. I guess it was cause of my crush on her that I wanted to get closer to her. I tried to hang out with her as much as I could without somehow invading her personal space and being annoying (I’m very conscious of that). After that time I texted her (I believe I wrote about that in my previous text) I gradually gained the courage to text her more. We didn’t text that often. We weren’t that close back then and I was too nervous to text her a lot. I felt like I needed an excuse.
Then, one day, when I got my new phone, I wanted to give her my new number but if a funny way so I texted her:
‘I’ve hidden the body. The rest is up to you.’
This was something I heard someone say in a prank call and I always thought it was hilarious. Obviously, I didn’t get a message back. She must’ve thought I was some weirdo creep. So I texted her that it was actually me and she replied saying that she was worried cause you never know. That was when I understood why no one else had replied to my texts so I quickly sent everyone else a text saying it was me before they block my number or something. Phoenix and I texted a lot that day.
But moving on to the bit I really wanted to mention. I confessed to Phoenix. Yes I was all like ‘But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and you, Phoenix are the sun! I love you! My love for you burns brighter than the sun itself. Brighter than any star!
Nah, just kidding. But I did confess. Honest. But it was more like an awkward ‘I like you and I’ve liked you for a year now… and I didn’t know what else to say so I just sent that. YES- BY TEXT. Till this day Phoenix calls me brave and respects me because of it but still, I wish I could’ve said it in person. And I will. One day. Maybe. She said it was cool and asked me if I was gay, to which I answered, ‘bi, mabye…’. There have been loads of times where I regretted telling her that, but really it was at that moment when things got better. After building up the courage to actually confess my feelings (Though it was Ann who really motivated me to do it- she was the first person I told), I found it a lot easier to talk to Phoenix and nowadays we text each other way too much, but I don’t mind cause she’s a great person to talk to and I believe she feels the same way. It also gave me courage to tell some of my friends about my sexuality and perhaps gave me the courage to mention it here. I believe it gave me courage I needed to start college. I was constantly meeting new people and I knew the old me would probably shrivel up and crawl under a rock. The new me was pushing myself to talk to people, to strike up and maintain conversations. I’m still crap at conversing, but I’m getting there. I’ve already made one new friend in college which is a big achievement for me. I’m also quite friendly with the guy who sits next to me in chemistry who’s all into anime too. What’re the odds of sitting next to someone like that? I guess I was just lucky. Really, me and Phoenix, we’re closer than ever. We’ve told each other things that we haven’t told other people and sometimes I wonder if indeed we are soulmates, having so much in common and having similar minds and thought processes. I’ve talked about this mysteriously loneliness I used to feel. That has long since disappeared and I believe its thanks to not only Phoenix, but all my friends. All my friends that I have gotten even closer with since the start of college. In fact we’re meeting for a little halloween get together and sleepover too so I can’t wait for that! 🙂
I think I’ll stop here for now. I’ve written waaaay too much but I guess I just had a lot more to say than I imagined I would.
Long story short- things are finally going my way (though it doesn’t seem that way with the eczema flare up but at the moment I really don’t care)
I promise I’ll be posting! Promise! :3
~EpicCupcake signing out.