Mysterys

Very poetic 🙂

DailyDays

Hi!

Have you ever wondered what your mind looks like? A glowing rainbow of thoughts, or an advanced calculator (never thought I’d use that in a sentence). Have you got more logic or creativity? The dreams and visions forming on shelves and memories to the million. How I wonder how all that fits in my head. I wonder do people forget things because their head is to full? Maybe you can’t concentrate on the present because you have too many thoughts about the future. If you need to let them go or not, if you really need them in life. It’s great to have ambitions, but you can’t get too hung up on what you might do. Patterns that thrive on colours. Dreams woven from the things you have seen, things you have heard, smelt, tasted. All put together and then forgotten, in a puff of smoke as you wake…

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Only ‘8 Weeks Till Doom’ and even though ‘Boys Don’t Knit’ I’m becoming a ‘Baseball Freak’?

I haven’t posted in a while… But really nowadays I don’t have much to say. Everything is just ‘you have to revise!’ and honestly it’s stressing me out. I wonder if I’ll be among those who panic the day before realising that, in fact, they didn’t do much revision. I keep putting everything off. I skipped my music resit and my teacher actually came to my maths lesson asking me why, I’m avoiding anything to do with English and may be developing a phobia of essays and I haven’t done any real revision for 3 weeks. (or maybe 2). I keep feeling like giving up. I’m not cut out for medicine anyway. As well as having the knowledge, you have to be a people’s person… which I am not and will never be. Plus I’m be up against millions of charismatic geniuses and quite frankly, I don’t think I stand a chance. I’m actually rethinking about this- my future career. It’ll still be science related- I hope. I can’t really do anything else. But I don’t think I could go into medicine. My worst science is biology and I prefer physics anyway. And my teachers say ‘do something you enjoy’ and my parents say ‘do something that will actually put bread on the table’

And right now I’m confused and tired and I’ve got this perpetual headache and fatigue and all of that.

Though, on a positive note, I have started reading more and am getting through books quite quickly. Since mid-february, I’ve read Will Grayson, Will Grayson, The fault in our stars (which really is as good as everyone has told me and I’m looking forward to the movie!), Why We Took The Car (also known as Tschick and was also originally in German) and Boys Don’t Knit (which I’m currently reading)

Boys Don’t Knit actually got me thinking about something that may sound a little weird.

Is it weird for a boy to knit? Yes. Why? Because they just don’t.

That’s not much of an explanation. So why is it so weird? Why is knitting strictly for girls? I wonder. In fact knitting, according to Boys Don’t Knit, was originally only for men. Isn’t it weird how it’s kind of turned around?

But it’s not fair that poor Ben and probably other secret male knitters (is that the right word?) can’t ‘come out of the knitting closet’. To be honest, a boy knitting is about as weird as a girl wearing trousers or playing football.

But imagine if it was all backwards. That would be really funny. Well, not really.

Good Lord! She’s wearing trousers! …Is she a lesbian or something?

But seriously, wearing trousers and playing sport or cutting your hair super short does not make you a lesbian. And knitting, or fashion or spas or beauty products or even wearing a skirt does not make you gay. Maybe metrosexual. Or a cross dresser.

And talking about sport, I’ve been constantly denying that I like sport but recently I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that not only do I like to play sports, I like to WATCH sports. For some reason, a couple of weeks (maybe a few months) ago, I bookmarked this anime called Big Windup and (surprise surprise) it was all about baseball. Completely. Normally I can’t stand having sport as a sub-genre of an anime but this was the main genre, other than comedy. No romance or action or adventure- just baseball. So one day I decided to watch the first episode. Luckily, it was all on YouTube. I loved the opening song so I decided to keep watch to see what happened. I had no idea what it was all about because I hadn’t looked at the plot beforehand like I normally do.

And then I felt something. Something I’d never felt before. And before I knew it I was googling how different pitches, how to hold them and how they travel. In fact, yesterday I watched a real game and I didn’t get distracted at all so that’s a good sign. I plan to learn everything about baseball, including the physics behind the game. Exciting!

And even more shocking- GASP!- I’ve finally accepted the fact that I do, indeed, like maths. I’ll never be the same again.

This is great. I’ve managed to actually write something out of nothing. And here I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to write anything. Yes, I know I am a genius. (I wish!)

I probably won’t write for a while because of exams (but I could surprise myself) so try and bear without hearing (reading) my wonderful words of wisdom. But on Friday 13th of June, I’m a free girl! (you know, after my maths exam, that is…)

I will try and post before that time but don’t expect anything in April. That’s when it gets serious.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Definitions

I’m seriously a bad blogger. I say I want to blog more and I have the time to do it most of the time but then I just… I just get cold feet and I search desperately for what else to do. I don’t even deserve to have subscribers to be honest. To be actually honest.

But I’m grateful… to my subscribers… to actually subscribe to a messed up, contradictory, lazy person who is English but cannot sepak English to save her life and would rather spend her time singing (screaming) in Japanese and having no consideration for my neighbours… yeah.

This morning I woke up and I did normal Saturday things like eat breakfast, read a book, watch TV and do my chores- all the things I normally do till 1 o’clock when my computer comes on (damn parent control). But when I turned on my computer, I didn’t feel like doing revision, or doing my homework which is just half an exam question. I didn’t even feel like watching anime or reading manga (I know, it’s like I’m a different person!) Instead I thought about myself. I’m not vein. Or at least I don’t think I’m vein. I was just thinking about myself, everything that’s wrong with me and why I can’t make sense of any of it. If I could describe myself in one word, it would be:

‘confused’

I’m generally confused about everything. One thing about me is that recently I’ve been failing in subjects that I need to read the deeper meaning in. So, basically English. Everyone else sees something in that line of the poem or in the way George defends Lennie. I just don’t see it. Subjects like science and maths, I’m good at those because, to me, they’re straightforward. But don’t get me wrong, they are difficult subjects and quite complex, but, for the things I’m studying at the moment, the answer is always there. You can find the answer using logic. You can go back to the fundamental ideas and work your way up and then you’re like “Oh, I get it! No wonder!” I wish solving the problem of myself could be as easy.

I’ve mentioned before that BPD was, in my opinion, the closest thing to whatever the heck I think is wrong with me, but there are more than a couple flaws in my thinking.

For example, intense interpersonal relationships. I can describe any of my relationships as being intense. I’m not entirely sure what that means. And then fear of abandonment. Sure I don’t want to be alone, but I’ve never told anyone ‘don’t leave me’ and when they do leave I hardly make any effort to bring them back. I just go off on my own and feel bad about it. Or I just go off and not think about it at all. I don’t really think I’m close to anyone. I want to be and I am preoccupied thinking of plots to strengthen my relationships or let people know more about me, but in the end I don’t put them in action, or I do and they learn something and I regret it EVERY SINGLE TIME.

In fact, I’m not even sure if I care about people. I just think I’m selfish. I think that I use people to feel better about myself or give me confidence to do something I’m scared to do alone, or keep me busy or from feeling embarrassed. Perhaps I cared about Grace. No, I did care about Grace, but I don’t care about her now.

I desperately want someone to care about. I desperately want to fall in love and have a mutual relationship, but that would never work not ony because I’m too shy to even speak to a guy, but also because I can’t fall in love, because it’s not the other person I’ll love but I’ll love love only and they’ll get hurt because I won’t love them. I’ll love the idea. I’ll love the attention. I’ll love the support. I’ll love not having to be alone ,but I won’t love them and that’s selfish and horrible and also very sad. Very sad indeed. It upsets me to think about it. I don’t even want to post this because I don’t want you or whoever else is reading this to know what I’m really like.

I feel like such a bad person.

Thinking this made me research another personality- Schizoid. I thought it sort of matched me before but I dismissed it thinking that I didn’t really match the symptoms. But still, I am an introvert, I don’t care so much for the people around me but rather items I own which is such a sad and horrible thing, and I have bad, if not no, social skills. I did a test and I don’t know what it was out of but I got something like 29 points and it said that it was likely I had it, but I didn’t believe it because I’ve gotten higher scores in BPD tests and I even got a high score for OCPD which I am certain I don’t have.

So I’m back to square one. I have no idea what word describes my problems other than ‘contradictory’. I watched a 20 minute video on BPD and watched a video about a youtuber talking about being diagnosed with it and going through the symptoms and how they did and (surprisingly) didn’t apply to him. He didn’t have some of the most obvious symptoms (or so he observed), but one symptom he did have made me think, with some level of certainty, that he did indeed have borderline. Intense relationships. He showed some signs of fear of abandonment, being clingy and kind of obsessive. I don’t know much about the disorder despite the fact I’ve been obsessing over it for quite a while now (over a year, maybe?) but that kind of gave me that borderline feel.

So I’m still stuck looking for the definition of me and a word to nicely describes me without being too vague. You may be thinking why I’m so hung up finding what’s wrong with me. The truth is that I honestly don’t know. I don’t. But I know that I don’t have a choice and I have to keep searching or I’ll never move on. I’ll never sort this out. I know I should just get on with my life and stop thinking about that. I’ve tried. And I’ve failed.

Yep, this scientist won’t give up until she finds out the fundamental ideas and solves this complex and irritating problem.

~EpicCupcake signing out.