I’m seriously a bad blogger. I say I want to blog more and I have the time to do it most of the time but then I just… I just get cold feet and I search desperately for what else to do. I don’t even deserve to have subscribers to be honest. To be actually honest.
But I’m grateful… to my subscribers… to actually subscribe to a messed up, contradictory, lazy person who is English but cannot sepak English to save her life and would rather spend her time singing (screaming) in Japanese and having no consideration for my neighbours… yeah.
This morning I woke up and I did normal Saturday things like eat breakfast, read a book, watch TV and do my chores- all the things I normally do till 1 o’clock when my computer comes on (damn parent control). But when I turned on my computer, I didn’t feel like doing revision, or doing my homework which is just half an exam question. I didn’t even feel like watching anime or reading manga (I know, it’s like I’m a different person!) Instead I thought about myself. I’m not vein. Or at least I don’t think I’m vein. I was just thinking about myself, everything that’s wrong with me and why I can’t make sense of any of it. If I could describe myself in one word, it would be:
I’m generally confused about everything. One thing about me is that recently I’ve been failing in subjects that I need to read the deeper meaning in. So, basically English. Everyone else sees something in that line of the poem or in the way George defends Lennie. I just don’t see it. Subjects like science and maths, I’m good at those because, to me, they’re straightforward. But don’t get me wrong, they are difficult subjects and quite complex, but, for the things I’m studying at the moment, the answer is always there. You can find the answer using logic. You can go back to the fundamental ideas and work your way up and then you’re like “Oh, I get it! No wonder!” I wish solving the problem of myself could be as easy.
I’ve mentioned before that BPD was, in my opinion, the closest thing to whatever the heck I think is wrong with me, but there are more than a couple flaws in my thinking.
For example, intense interpersonal relationships. I can describe any of my relationships as being intense. I’m not entirely sure what that means. And then fear of abandonment. Sure I don’t want to be alone, but I’ve never told anyone ‘don’t leave me’ and when they do leave I hardly make any effort to bring them back. I just go off on my own and feel bad about it. Or I just go off and not think about it at all. I don’t really think I’m close to anyone. I want to be and I am preoccupied thinking of plots to strengthen my relationships or let people know more about me, but in the end I don’t put them in action, or I do and they learn something and I regret it EVERY SINGLE TIME.
In fact, I’m not even sure if I care about people. I just think I’m selfish. I think that I use people to feel better about myself or give me confidence to do something I’m scared to do alone, or keep me busy or from feeling embarrassed. Perhaps I cared about Grace. No, I did care about Grace, but I don’t care about her now.
I desperately want someone to care about. I desperately want to fall in love and have a mutual relationship, but that would never work not ony because I’m too shy to even speak to a guy, but also because I can’t fall in love, because it’s not the other person I’ll love but I’ll love love only and they’ll get hurt because I won’t love them. I’ll love the idea. I’ll love the attention. I’ll love the support. I’ll love not having to be alone ,but I won’t love them and that’s selfish and horrible and also very sad. Very sad indeed. It upsets me to think about it. I don’t even want to post this because I don’t want you or whoever else is reading this to know what I’m really like.
I feel like such a bad person.
Thinking this made me research another personality- Schizoid. I thought it sort of matched me before but I dismissed it thinking that I didn’t really match the symptoms. But still, I am an introvert, I don’t care so much for the people around me but rather items I own which is such a sad and horrible thing, and I have bad, if not no, social skills. I did a test and I don’t know what it was out of but I got something like 29 points and it said that it was likely I had it, but I didn’t believe it because I’ve gotten higher scores in BPD tests and I even got a high score for OCPD which I am certain I don’t have.
So I’m back to square one. I have no idea what word describes my problems other than ‘contradictory’. I watched a 20 minute video on BPD and watched a video about a youtuber talking about being diagnosed with it and going through the symptoms and how they did and (surprisingly) didn’t apply to him. He didn’t have some of the most obvious symptoms (or so he observed), but one symptom he did have made me think, with some level of certainty, that he did indeed have borderline. Intense relationships. He showed some signs of fear of abandonment, being clingy and kind of obsessive. I don’t know much about the disorder despite the fact I’ve been obsessing over it for quite a while now (over a year, maybe?) but that kind of gave me that borderline feel.
So I’m still stuck looking for the definition of me and a word to nicely describes me without being too vague. You may be thinking why I’m so hung up finding what’s wrong with me. The truth is that I honestly don’t know. I don’t. But I know that I don’t have a choice and I have to keep searching or I’ll never move on. I’ll never sort this out. I know I should just get on with my life and stop thinking about that. I’ve tried. And I’ve failed.
Yep, this scientist won’t give up until she finds out the fundamental ideas and solves this complex and irritating problem.
~EpicCupcake signing out.