Sitting on the Sidelines

Sometimes (maybe a lot of the time) I feel lonely. No matter who I’m with or what I do, sometimes it just hits me. I’ve been wondering and thinking and wondering and thinking why I feel this why, and recently I can up with (I want to say theory but the correct word is) hypothesis.

Maybe I feel lonely and left out because I’m pushing people away from me, deliberately, yet subtly, distancing myself from people, sitting on the sidelines and never getting involved… anything for that matter! I did a post on Borderline Personality Disorder earlier and one of the symptoms I mentioned was an unstable self image that generally comes about from adapting one’s personality to match whoever they’re talking to. I always feel that I do that and it discourages me from getting close to people so they don’t know what I’m really like.

I don’t know. I just have some crazy idea in my head that I’m a bad person and I’ve got a bad personality and if I show people what I’m like, they’ll start to hate me (like Grace) so I’m just trying to be what people want me to be but I can’t even do that right either.

I guess my shyness also plays a large role. I’m pretty much terrified of people (though it’s not like I scream whenever I go outside, haha…). Normally when I’m shy or too terrified to speak I just glue my lips shut and try not to make eye contact. This also means that when I sit at my table in my form room in the morning, I can’t even talk to my friends because their friends from other forms are there and really it’s only three of them that come in the morning but I still can’t open my mouth. I don’t know what to say. I never know what to say.

And there’s problem number 3- I don’t know how to talk. Before you say anything, yes I can indeed talk and I speak English quite well with the correct grammar etc. blah blah. But when I mean I can talk, I mean I can’t form a conversation. Firstly, what do you say first? Do you go up to someone and start randomly blabbing on about something? My likes and other people’s likes are very different. Others prefer to go out on a weekend. I can’t be bother to get off my backside. People are into movies and go to the cinema often, I don’t care that much about movies as long as anime and E4 exist. I don’t read the same book as others and I’m just so out of tune and I’ve probably said this (maybe not up to) a million times but I only say it a lot because it’s true! It’s so true and it gets on my nerves. And it’s not like I have time to research what people like and make lifts and diagrams and whatnot because I’ve got exams! Plus that’s a pretty weird thing to do, but probably effective…

I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. I just felt like moaning. I used to hate that word- ‘moan’. That’s what people used to say to me in primary school if I got annoyed or upset or started crying. Kids sure are cruel… That’s probably why I refrain from saying how I really feel or being who I really am. No, that’s exactly why. Why would anyone be themselves if people were just going to hate them in the end? That’s what I was thinking. But I’m sick of not being me. I’m just desperately searching for the person who’ll accept me for who I am and not get annoyed with my behaviour and fluctuating mood and my clingy-ness and whatever crap I like to pull on people.

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Now She’s Just Somebody That I Used To Know

For goodness sake, would you PLEASE stop staring at me!

Something weird is going on. You remember Grace, right? The ex-best friend that I used to call Backstabber? The one who announced that she didn’t want to be friends with me?

Yes, that Grace.

After ignoring me for so long, I gave up trying to be at least her acquaintance if not her friend. Now-a-days I don’t really want anything to do with her. I’ve been doing well. There’s no longer that lingering sorrow that follows me around, reminding me that we weren’t friends. I pretty much ignore her now. I’m not saying that if she tried to talk to me I’d pretend she didn’t exist, or run away from her. I’m just saying that I’m keeping my distance. I don’t talk to her that much. I treat her like I’d treat any other person I didn’t know that well, because, at the moment, I don’t know her very well. I don’t know her at all.

I thought she would love that, me ignoring her and not talking to her, after all, she did the same to me for a couple of months now. She’s got her perfect friends that all talk about boys and look up to her with shimmering eyes- or at least that’s what she thinks they do..

But I can’t help but notice the times when she’s on her own. It’s not like I constantly think, ‘Oh my gosh, she’s alone. She’s probably sad. I should go and help her.’ I’m keeping my distance, like she wanted. But still! I feel I hang out more with Mandy than she does. All the time I see her on her own except for one or two lessons. She always tries to but into conversations so that she doesn’t look like that but I think it’s obvious and I’m beginning to think others do to. They don’t mention it to her, though.

So yes, back to the weird thing (or rather, things), one lunchtime I was by myself. I wanted to get on with some revision (you know, with all the fear of exams and stuff) and when I came to my form room, she was sitting in the seat opposite mine. You may think, ‘well, she can sit anywhere, right?’, but the thing is that she used to sit on that table, but when she started avoiding me, she sat right on the other side of the room. Why would she suddenly decide to sit there, after she left the seat empty for months.

You can imagine how I felt when I reached my seat. One thought crossed my mind:

‘Should I go to the library or…’ In the end I sat in my seat. I wouldn’t move just because Grace sat there. It was my table, it is my table, so I had the right to sit there. As I expected, she didn’t talk to me, but when others came to sit at the table, she kept doing that annoying thing where she’d butt into their conversations little by little. We both happened to be revising R.E. and when my friend was asking me about my revision techniques, it was only natural that Grace butt in boasting about how she just looks at her book and remembers it and about how she didn’t revise for her mocks and got an A* in R.E. I’d like to see her do the same for the real ones and see what she’d get. Seriously. Not even out of hatred.

Grace continued joining in with their conversation until she finally took control of it. Then she offered us all a stereotypical speech about ‘black’ and ‘white’ behaviour and about some black girls acting ‘white’ and some white girls acting ‘black’. Even when people told her that it was stereotypical and even a bit racist, she still went on. I ignored her and her. I’ve had to deal with her stupid speeches in the past and no matter how many times I’ve told her that they were stereotypical, racist or hypocritical or just plain stupid, she didn’t change. I’m pretty much immune to her speeches, but not immune to her voice and I always find her annoying voice hard to block out and with her and the rest of the table speaking and the fact that she used the word racial instead of racist and that just… Yes, I know, what a weird thing to fixate about. As I was sitting there thinking to myself: ‘I missed the days when I could just sit here in peace.’ I did an R.E. test that afternoon. I wonder how well I did. Or badly.

After that, I became conscious of Grace’s actions. If I came by the lockers and she was there, I’d feel her eyes burning into my side. I can see her through the corner of my eyes, though I don’t let her know that. It’s really creepy and I don’t really know what to do in those situations. I sometimes get the urge to laugh or something so I usually get on with whatever in my locker and just go back to my seat. At least, she hasn’t sat in front of me since then. Maybe I’m being paranoid, but I’m think there’s something going on. One English lesson, she asked me a question. I shook my head, my way of saying no without using up my energy. But then she kept pestering me and pestering me asking my why I wasn’t talking to her. I got annoyed and shouted no and that I had no idea. But then. awkwardly enough, I found out the answer two seconds later. 

Am I being paranoid? I feel like I’m being paranoid, but the staring is kind of creepy. Go back a couple of months and she wouldn’t have even sad on the same table as me. Or say a word to me. Or look at me. At all. In my opinion, there are four possibilities as to why Grace is acting like this:

  1. She still wants to be friends with me, but she’s too proud to admit it so she’s trying to send me indirect messages.
  2. She doesn’t like being alone and not having someone at her heels (Not that I was at her heels in the first place) but she’s too proud to admit it.
  3. She’s angry that I’m not bothering about her and that I’m happy not being her friend, but she wants to feel special (…?)
  4. She’s crazy

As much as I’d like to think up different reasons and write some bizarre story based on this, I can’t be bothered.

Yeah… Sorry Grace, but no…

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Borderline Personality Disorder

So, yeah, for some reason I just keep getting sick. I stayed home from school today and I’ve been doing absolutely nothing. I’m SUPER hungry for some odd reason and I feel guilty because even though I was supposed to be sick, I was chasing my brother around the house and playing some kind of odd football game. I now have a headache. And I’m still hungry. I literally just ate not long ago.

But enough about what I’ve been getting up to today. Over the last few days I’ve been doing some heavy thinking. (heavy?) Worrying about my health with my asthma getting worse and my eczema going crazy and feeling hungry all the time and stuff. And then about my emotions and stuff and it makes me feel so confused.

Since ages ages ago, I’ve been doing research on every mental or personality disorder there is, trying to find out what exactly is wrong with me. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it, but I’ve been focusing a lot on Borderline Personality Disorder, which I like to refer to as BPD. And it feels kind of weird searching for my problem and then not doing anything with my answers or asking for help, but I know my parents (especially my mum) would either say that I need to pray or say that I spend to much time on the internet researching nonsense. I don’t think my parents truly believe that stuff like BPD and other disorders actually exist. They probably think it’s just something people made up to get attention or whatever. That’s one reason I can’t talk to my parents.

So, about BPD, I’ve done a lot of online personality disorder tests, and I’ve gone on lots of websites and I’ve seen loads of documentaries and my understanding of the disorder (gosh, I’m so hungry) lead me to believe that I might actually have the disorder. When I came across it for the first time, I didn’t really see what they described in myself, but over time as I kept coming back to it, I realised a lot of it applied to me. One thing I particularly trust is the DSM IV. Here is the diagnostic criteria:

  1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
  2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called “splitting.”
  3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
  4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
  5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
  6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
  7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
  8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
  9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

One thing about me that makes me doubt that I have BPD is that the fact that I feel that I do have some control even though I feel totally out of control. I’ve never really thought about cutting myself or planning suicide though I know I may have said inappropriate things about that. Also, although I feel like I’m impulsive, I feel like I hardly give into it. Of all the things listed in number 4, I can safely say that that’s not the case for me. I’m always careful with money hardly spending it on myself because I worry for the future. Plus, I’d feel guilty. As for binge eating, I eat a lot but I don’t binge. I’m just greedy. And… always hungry… The rest on that list don’t apply to me.

Another thing that made me doubtful was number 1. It’s true that I don’t want to be abandoned. It’s true that when Grace just decided she was going to ignore for the rest of my life and act as if I’m dead, I was… there isn’t really a word to describe it. I felt broken inside. Distressed. I felt like everything was falling apart and that it was the end of the world. I cried a lot. For one person who didn’t really care about anyone. I know I went to I wouldn’t say ‘great’, but great efforts to get us back together. One included embarrassing myself in front of everyone as I chased after her one day after school when I had a club to go to practically begging for her forgiveness and to forget everything and to just started again. She didn’t listen (of course) and just walked away. I don’t want to go into full Grace rant, but I’d just like to say that it wasn’t me who insisted to be friends with her. She just decided it one day and I went along with it, learning to love her and her little (and annoying) quirks.

Even though I did that embarrassing thing and even tried (I’m not proud of this) to guilt her and others into not abandoning me or paying me a little more attention, I wouldn’t say that I go to frantic efforts to avoid being alone. If I did, I’d still be hanging around Grace while she ignored me and enjoyed having someone fuss over her. She’s big headed like that… I do, in fact, like spending time alone. I like being secluded in my room. I really do. Of course, I wouldn’t want to stay here all the time, but it’s the best place to be. My room is my natural habitat. It’s mine and I can be who I am… And who am I exactly…?

I’ve been asking that questions for years but I’ve never really gotten a straight answer. One thing I’ve learnt about BPD is that people with it adapt themselves and adopt the mannerisms of the people that surround them, so, in the end, they have loads of different personalities towards different people and when different people are in the same place with you, it’s hard to figure out who to be. And with all this adapting, you find it hard to recognise which one of these personalities is actually you. I have this hypothesis that if you want to know a little bit what a person is like, watch them by themselves. I tend to watch people as they walk. I make note of the way they walk, their expressions and how they change when they’re with a friend or someone they know. But, back on topic, I’ve noticed that I act differently around different people and I mentioned this is another post. To some people I am polite and shy, to others I’m hyper and annoying, to others I’m sarcastic or cold, to others I’m mature and reserved and to my family, I’m just this mess of emotions and confusion. Like some kind of toddler.

Once I was in a situation when I was with Grace and my primary school buddies at the same time. I found it a little difficult to adapt. I didn’t know how to act because there were people from my past who I weren’t close to so I had to act… like a normal teenager and act mature and reserved but also nice and friendly. Then there were my primary school buddies and I had to act hyper around them. And then there was Grace and normally I was sarcastic around her though not cold. Just sarcastic. The funny thing is that she’s not sarcastic. So there I was, this slightly confused mature yet childish and hyper yet still sarcastic… thing. I don’t even know what to call myself. Another time I was with people who were much older than me and with my friend Tori and she found it weird when I was acting all quiet and shy with a higher pitched voice than she was used to hearing me use.

I’m going to go ahead with number 2 (I should really do this in order) and say that I didn’t really get that one. I don’t think I’ve had any ‘intense’ or ‘unstable’ interpersonal relationships. I’m assuming that they are talking about romantic relationships and I’ve never had a boyfriend so… But I guess this could apply to friends as well. I’m not sure. As I said, I don’t really understand this one. However, I do think I understand the concept of splitting. There are times where someone does something and I immediately think ‘Oh, I really hate this person!’, or ‘I really like this person!’. There’s no in between. It’s either like or hate and I get like this for stupid reasons. I’ve got two examples:

  1. Devaluation: My dad and I are sitting at the dining table using our laptops. I go somewhere and come back to find that my laptop is off because my dad accidentally unplugged it thinking it was his. I got soooooo mad about that. That’s one thing I ABSOLUTELY HATE. If you really want to make me mad, don’t punch me, just unplug my laptop. My battery has malfunctioned so I don’t use it anymore. The only source of my laptop’s power is the mains. Seriously, unplug my laptop and I will hate you for a good hour or so. I’d cry, I’d yell, I’d mutter to myself and if I’m just particularly irritated, I’d even throw things across  my room or start ripping up paper and marvel the beautiful artwork I’ve made on the floor. Yeah… I’m crazy.
  2. Idealisation: I’ll give a general example. I meet a stranger on the bus or wherever and witness them doing something nice for someone and it can be the littlest thing and BAM! I’m instantly in love with them. And when I say ‘in love’ I don’t mean it like that but… you know… I’d admire them. I’d want to be friends with that person and start to imagine it. Sometimes if people pay me particular attention when they don’t normally, I suddenly feel like I’m connected to that person. I also admire them so much and put them on a pedestal. Then if they ignore me (basically, not treat me like a close friend) that pedestal would just crumble and they are insignificant again.

I won’t bother explaining 6, 7 or 8 because I think it’s obvious that all those apply to me. I get irritable, anxious, I sometimes feel just empty and distant from everyone and I pretty much feel angry every day. My mum telling me that the bin still hasn’t been taken out on a Monday morning makes me so mad and I don’t even know how to explain it. I feel before I think. I feel angry, I try to explain it but I can’t seem to find the words or I do find the words, but they sound so stupid that I feel angry about getting angry in the first place. Now-a-days I don’t bother explaining and just say ‘I don’t know why I’m angry.’ or ‘You wouldn’t understand.’ It really confuses my mum. Also, around the time before Grace stopped talking to me, I would sometimes go to school in the morning and just still with my head down on my desk and start crying. I wouldn’t know why. I’d just start crying. Then I’d feel guilty for crying when there’s nothing wrong and I’d get upset about that. The guilt I feel sometimes really crushes my spirit. I always feel so guilty and for what reason?

As for number 9, I never truly got that one so I’ll leave it out.

So far, BPD is the best match to what I feel so I’m going to continue looking into it. But even so, it won’t make a difference whether I find out of not. I mean, yes I’ll feel relieved that I’m not just a bad person and that there’s actually something wrong with me, but I can’t really get better, assuming I have BPD, if I don’t tell anyone or get diagnosed and get treatment. Still, I think I’d feel a little better if I had someone I could talk to about this on a daily or even weekly basis. I used to talk to Grace about it but then look where it led me. I’ve talked about it with my friend Phoenix because she has some problems of her own, but I don’t really feel that close to her. I don’t feel that close to anyone. So for the meantime, I’m going to continue writing in notebooks, expressing my feeling through writing and working on this blog. I don’t really find much time to do any of those things, you know between homework, revision and being ill. But I’ll try my best.

I’ll make a new goal: I’m going to try and summon the courage to find someone to talk about this stuff to. Someone I can trust. Someone who will understand. Someone who gets me, or at least tries to. 😉 I feel like I’m getting closer to my friends though. Recently I’ve been revealing the world of yaoi and anime to my friend Ann. Not necessarily because I want her to like yaoi. Just because I like to creep people out and tell them loads of Japanese terms they’ll never learn,

Thanks for reading this whole chunk of writing. It means a lot. 🙂

~EpicCupcake signing out.