Sayonara, the me of 2013. Make way for 2014!

What will you change?

What will you change?

I’m kind of excited for the new year… but that excitement will end when I get back to school. Ugh… Sorry, I just keep complaining.

But really, I want to make things right. for years I’ve been the same inflexible, annoying, aloof, contradictory person and I really, seriously, want to change. I’ve been having this little battle with myself. One side wants to open the door to new things and the other wants to keep it shut. But I know I can’t stay the way I am so I’m determined to do it.

One thing I want to eliminate is my fear of socialising. I think it’s a little out of hand that now phones are my worst enemy. This will probably be the hardest, but I’ve got to try because college is coming by sooner than I expected. I mean, I allow my eyes to wonder of the clock for a moment in year 5 five and then suddenly BOOM! I’m in high school. I’ve probably wrote this a million times before, but I cannot for my life talk or be around boys. If it’s only one or two and they seem friendly, I’m a little shy but I’ll talk. Shove me in a large group, collection, gathering, sea of boys and then we have a problem.

I’ve been doing more research lately and I’ve got some idea of stuff I have to change. My body language is one thing. I have to smile more (though, believe it or not, some say that I smile too much…) and I have to be less stiff. I did some indian dancing for my school’s international evening in year 8 and I reckon that my movements were smooth and fluid, I think. A month or so ago, I went to my neighbour’s baby shower and every came to the middle and did this dance and I was stiffer than a robot. It was sooooo embarrassing. I feel like crying thinking about it… :/

I also have to learn to be able to start and sustain conversation. I’m probably the world’s worst conversationalist and when people talk to me, all the get from it is awkward silence. Exactly the reason I don’t getting the bus with people I’m not familiar with. I only have random crap to talk about and science and anime/manga. In that way, you could say that I’m not that interesting – at least when it comes to movies, tv shows, music, relationships and… just about everything else… I’m going to try to speak to those I sit next to more. I’ve got to have conversations outside of my head rather than inside my head. I’ve got to open my mouth even if it kills me! Actually, it would be pointless if it killed me…

Then comes the easier stuff. I’m aiming to become healthier. I know I said this earlier and I’ve actually stopped being healthy since a few weeks ago… But it’s good that I kept it up that long so I think it can’t get any worse, it’ll probably get better! In 2014 I want to grow out my hair, have nice skin and probably lose a few pounds around my thighs so I can wear my favourite jeans again! I’ll probably do none of those things but, to start with, I’ll start to go on random walks on saturdays. Normally I’d just stay in and read manga but this holiday, I’ve read everything readable and now I’m dead bored.

In January, I’m going to get the results of my mocks in this scary big envelope and I’m kind of worried. That’s why, in 2014, I’m going to take my revision more seriously and invent cool new ways to revise so it doesn’t bore me to death. My exams are in 6 months and believe me, that time will come quicker than you expect.

And in addition to the ‘new’ me, if it ever shows up… (or exists), I will let go the things that hold me back. Regrets, Sorrow and all that fudge, I’ll tie it to a firework and watch them explode into a million pieces. Now, I have a lot of regrets. That gigantic water balloon I planned to throw on my sister that I drop on the floor by the computer and ended up soaking not only the study but also myself. The lame way I acted when I was auditioning for ‘Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old’ because I was shy. Shouting ‘I’M HUNGRY’ and continuously complaining once on holiday and being filmed (my family all laugh at me when they watch it, but I was young at foolish). Drinking sprite after eating spicy rice a number of times. I’ve done a lot of foolish things, though from the top of my head, I can think of two regrets that have troubled me alot. One of them troubled me over a couple of years, the other… well you know the whole Grace situation though, it’s a little complicated than that. But I’ll end the year with them and start the new year without them. They’ll stay in the past because that’s where they belong. And I won’t look back.

So! A summary?

  1. Overcome social phobia and be more like a teenager! Maybe make new friends? Learn the ways of the sociable. I’ll aim for 100 points on the challenge (16 so far)
  2. Improve my health and wear my jeans again
  3. Study well and in an odd and creative way. A board game? I like games so…
  4. Let go of my regrets. Explode them and throw the remains up and watch them flutter down like confetti doing a little victory dance! Yes!

And a penalty if I don’t do any of these.

  1. A whole week without manga/anime (I’ve done it once… it’s was absolutely, positively horrible…)
  2. 50 push up for everything I don’t do
  3. 5 slaps for ever push up I don’t do

That’s what I’ll do this time next year if I fail to keep this promise. (I’ll start 2015 with bloody cheeks…)

And you too! Any new year resolutions? Set a brutal punishment for yourself next new years like… no internet for a month. Actually, no, that could kill someone… I’d rather do the push ups. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re probably not as lazy and inflexible as me…

Happy New Year for when midnight strikes! Odds are that I’ll be counting down along with you and playing animal crossings. Or screaming as my brother pulls my hair or attempts to eat my forehead… That made me laugh… Okay! Enough for this post! I don’t need to take anymore of your time. Thanks for reading!

~EpicCupcake signing out. (for the last time the year!)

Merry Christmas!

Image

Okay, it’s only Christmas Eve, but I’ve been itching to make a post since I haven’t made one in, like, a decade.

This holiday has been hardly a holiday. I’ve been either stuck at home babysitting my brother or dragged outside into the cold to do Christmas shopping in the rain. To think that Christmas is only in a couple of hours and I haven’t really had any time to myself. The only time I’ve had to myself was when I was sleeping. Seriously. I’ve been waking up as late as possible everyday until my back starts to ache and stomach starts grumbling. But I don’t even feel hungry during the holidays. Today I had hot chocolate and mini yumyums for breakfast and McDonalds for dinner. No lunch. I didn’t even feel hungry, but I wanted to eat anyway to get my mind off shopping.

Gosh, I hate shopping.

And now that I’ve started ranting, I’d like to add this: Whenever holidays approach, I become ill. Almost 100% of the time. It’s not even funny. Something always happens. On the last day of school this term, I caught a cold when my school’s concert choir had to sing in front of ks4. I was right at the front with snot dripping from my nose like drops of water from a tap. I didn’t have any tissue. Best day to forget my tissue… Luckily, I was on the bus with Phoenix that day and she gave me a tissue. How kind. I mean it. I’m not being sarcastic or anything. I honestly felt like crying. But I didn’t. Funny how we were on the bus together on the last day of a term on the upper deck. Just like the last day of school last school year. I don’t know if that’s funny or scary.

My cold or whatever seemed to get better until I went out again with my mum and sister to buy chocolates for friends and family.My eyes were itchy, my nose was running (but at least I came prepared!!) and I just happened to run into someone in my school. I didn’t even recognise her at first and I’m not sure if it was due to my poor eyesight, her strange new cool hairstyle that she didn’t have that morning or my disorientation. Well, whatever it was, I was still embarrassed when I stared right at her, wondering if it was her, deciding it wasn’t and then finding her saying hi to me the next minute. So embarrassing. Plus, I was walking around aimlessly with a pack of doughnuts in my hand. It made me feel so fat, but I couldn’t leave them behind. I love doughnuts. If I ever become fat, it will be Asda’s fault.

Also, this holiday, I have already been injured twice (or thrice, I’m not counting): when my little brother took a spoon and tried to ‘feed’ me and ended up jabbing me in the gum. I was bleeding. The other time was when I was running upstairs. I skipped two stairs and banged my toe. My nail ripped and I was rolling around on the floor, squealing in pain.

But what has any of this got to do with Christmas? I really should just stop ranting about my not-very-christmas-y holiday and start making it better and baking cupcakes. That’ll make me feel better.

But wrapping up coal, addressing it to my dad, dropping it under the tree and watching his expression as he opened it would definitely cheer me up. Too bad I already got him a present… Oh well, there’s next year! 😛

Merry Christmas! Hope you have a wonderful day full of eating, opening presents and procrastinating!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Social Anxiety: How to be normal

I’m finally free!!!!

My mock exams are over and now I can procrastinate full-time!! Until after Christmas when I have to continue revising and doing stuff for the science department. But let’s wait till then to talk about that. Now onto my main point.

Last night I had a conversation with my mum after watching ‘Miranda’ which is officially one of my favourite shows. I said to her that ‘I don’t get people.’ She then gave me an odd look and then asked me if it was about Grace. Then I tried my best to explain what I meant.

And what I meant was exactly that. I don’t get people… at all… I mean, firstly, eye contact. What the heck is that? What are the so-called ‘rules’? When you enter a room, where do you look? When you talk to someone, where do you look? If you pass a stranger on the street, where do you look? When your seating opposite someone on the bus, where do you look?

The Science Behind Being NORMAL

I’m pretty sure that I’ve looked up on Google at some point in my life ‘How to be normal’, because I recall reading something about the rules of eye contact. It said: don’t avoid all eye contact.

‘Fair enough.’

Then it said, don’t make direct eye contact.

‘Fai- Wait… Hold on a minute…’

Lastly, it said something about making  2/3 eye contact and I thought:

‘How does that even work???’

I concluded that it must mean that if you’re talking to someone for 3 minutes, you mus make eye contact for 2 minutes and avoid it for 1 minute. I told my mum about it and she agreed, though I think she just did it to get me to shut up. She was pretty tired and kept dosing off until I nudged her in the side. I didn’t really believe in the whole 2/3 thing, but it made a bit of sense if you break the 2 miniutes and 1 minute up like they say you can do for exercise so I could make eye contact for 2 seconds, then avoid it for 1 and then complete the cycle. Trouble is, that’ll take quite a bit of concentration and I already find it a little difficult to concentrate on what people say without getting lost in my thoughts.

Really, what I do is look at someone’s eyes for a few seconds and then look at their nose or something. That doesn’t work well if they’ve got something in their nose. It just makes me want to laugh. And after bursting out with laughter at the french assistant yesterday, I don’t feel like laughing at anyone. That’s a funny story, I might tell it another time if I’m bored.

And then there’s walking into rooms, one of the things that scare me the most. Whenever I enter my form room in the morning, I always look at the clock which probably makes it look like I can’t stand to look at anyone else’s faces. I probably have this facial expression that makes me look stuck up. I know some people used to think I was like that and I used to have no idea why. My default face probably did that. And my reluctance to speak.

But seriously, where do you look? At someone’s face? At the floor? I can’t look at the floor and making eye contact with someone who doesn’t seem to be smiling or saying ‘hi’ makes me nervous and I kind of fidget and I automatically look away.

Sometimes I think it’s because I think to much. But if I don’t over think, then I’m not Peanut. I’m able to sense danger because I over think. I’m able to apply my scientific knowledge because I over think. I’m able generate awesome story ideas because I over think! I always over think. I even over think about over thinking! Isn’t that what I’m doing now?

Okay. Solution. Don’t over think only when it comes to people I know. Well, easier said then done, but I’ll look into social protocols and tips and stuff and see if I can actually get at least 50 points on my challenge. I’m on 14 points at the moment. Sucks to be me.

But really, if I look at this post’s title ‘how to be normal’, I don’t really want to be normal. Not completely normal at least. Just a little bit more so I can communicate with other human beings. Once I achieve that, who cares about normal?! Weird is wonderful and exciting and I have no intention of surrendering to General Normal. (Hey, see what I did there? I said general and normal… Well at least I found it funny…)

I’ll try my best!

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Halfway there!

Hello there! It’s been years (a few days) since I’ve posted anything. Sorry for suddenly going into hiding.

Today marks the end of the first week of my exam not-so-much-week-but-fortnight and I’m already scared. Why? I’ll tell you why.

So after my spanish orals and my tuesday off, my mock exams started on wednesday. I probably mentioned earlier that I started with english lit. It was the most hideous paper ever. Our english lit poetry exam is based around the theme of relationships. How then can you possibly ‘explore the thoughts and feelings of the poet’ when the poem is about a cat! Yes, you could argue that people love their cats but seriously, I had no idea whatsoever what this poet felt about her cat. It was just a description on how the cat ate. Seriously. That was it. I hate exams.

My next paper was R.E. It went okay. The super hard questions I expected didn’t come up and although I right at snail’s pace, I was able to finish on time. Trouble was, when I was checking over it, I saw the worst grammar error ever. It was so bad I couldn’t understand the sentence. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating… A little

I had french directly afterwards and I had little time to revise before they shifted us the hall. The listening, my apologies to all French people, sounded like gibberish flowing through one ear and out the other. Normally, I’d be able to catch the gist of things, but for some reason, when you’re pack in a hall with a person’s voice resonating across the room and, other than that, complete silence, you tend to freak out a little.

Reading papers are normally my thing. I was casually flicking through the pages, answer the questions and keep my eye on the sound when suddenly…

…the alarm bell went off. Yes, in the middle of the exam, the fire bell just randomly went off. Every head went up and looked towards the invigilators for some sort of order. They were stunned. They had no idea what was going on. Everyone stayed silent until I heard Grace laugh. “Are you serious? Are you actually serious?” After observing all this I simply dropped my head and continued with my exam. ‘Whatever.’ I thought.

Of course, the invigilators then evacuated us into the playground and I was getting seriously annoyed. Who on Earth would be clumsy enough to schedule a fire drill during the year 11 mock exams??? And on Thursday of all days when it was icy cold. I was shivering and dancing about like a crazy person. My teeth chattered non-stop. A fire drill?! But when I thought about it, that would be probably unlikely. Then I wondered if there was a real fire and I felt less annoyed. Then I found out that the alarm was pulled by mistake. And to the guilty party I say thanks, for ruining my day and having me wait in the cold in absolute silent with the constant threat that my paper would be canceled hurled at me every few seconds.

When the alarm finally when off, we went back in the hall and it turned out no one was paying attention to how much time was wasted and so there was this big debate (or, rather, argument) between the students and the invigilators over how much time we were going to ‘need’. After some heated conversation , 40 minutes were decided.

When I finished the test, with plenty, and I mean plenty of time remaining, I realised that it was still registration. The invigilators were letting people leave early so I quickly left to run to my form room. Why? Let me explain.

Earlier that day, I wanted to leave my coat in my locker so that people would trample on it when were were getting out bags and stuff out of this large cupboard we were forced to leave our stuff in. I thought this was a great idea. I wondered why I hadn’t thought of it earlier. My form tutor, however, told me that the room would be in use for the whole day for the year 10 business day (you will not believe the number of year 10 students who waltz into school with high heels and blazers. Well… at least they had fun.) and that I wouldn’t even be allowed to enter at break. Only lunch. ‘Lunch, eh?‘ I thought to myself. I was planning to buy something from the canteen at lunch since I didn’t bring any food with me. I’d eat my lunch, get my coat and then make  my way to the hall for french. A seemingly flawless plan.

One problem, though. My french exam started at 12. Lunch was at 12.45. There would be no way I could eat lunch or, most importantly, get my coat. I was seriously worried. I knew that I’d never be allowed to step into the building my form room was in, let alone my form room. That’s why, when I saw that I had about three minutes before form time ended, my heart was filled with hope. I sprinted out of my french exam to my form room. Snatched my coat and scarf and slyly slipped out before anyone noticed me. Not that I needed to, I wasn’t stealing anything, but it seemed the appropriate action at the time. 😉

And that was Thursday.

Today was almost a bad.

After leaving my coat in the large cupboard thingy, I had my maths exam in the morning which was okay, I guess. Didn’t strike me as too hard.

But the science. THE SCIENCE!!! Whoever wrote the paper hated me, hated all of us. It was the most evil paper I had ever. It was like a bloody geopraphy paper with advantages and disadvantages and ethical issues and the lot. Gosh, I was so mad. I was depending greatly on my science result. If I opened that doomed envelop and found it littered with Bs Cs and Ds, at least my A* from science would shine as well as my A from maths. I’m not even worried about getting an A* in science now. I’m more worried about not getting that A! My parents are really strict and they only expect the best. I’m doomed…

Now all that’s left it the english language, the rest of the maths, R.E, science plus my spashish, music and french oral which I know none of and I just can’t forget my spanish one.

Vivo en una ciudad de talla media

Wish me luck for week two of my exams! Especially for those on Friday… It’s the 13th. *gasp*

~EpicCupcake signing out.

Me and My Family

Question: If you could describe me in one word, what would it be?

Mum: “Um… pest.”

She later changed this to hardworking when I ‘voluntarily’ helped her with a task. How thoughtful…

My sister: “Annoying.” That was all she simply said.

Dad: “Clever.” How kind, the only member of my family that said something nice.

Well, I know they all mean well. They’re just teasing.

I don’t know why I did this little observation. I think I’ve had too much free time on my hands today…

Tomorrow is exam number 2! I’m totally not looking forward to it! 😀

~EpicCupcake signing out.